Vlad’s Vampire Diary: You Can’t Go Home Again

Dear Diary,

Going home is no longer an option.

This morning I went to Google Maps. There are cameras in space, up in the sky, in the heavens taking photographs of the Earth. Everything can be seen. I dare say unseen is what I wish today.

This thing called technology, baffles me. It amazes me. What amazes me the most is that all of this, which would have once been considered black magic is now not magic at all, AND it has almost all happened in the past one hundred years. It has happened in the past fifty years.

After being imprisoned in a crypt for three hundred years, I am still overwhelmed. The past four years… I can not even describe them.

This morning at dawn I stood out on my deck and looked at the sun coming up over the dark night sky. I thought about my old home where I was King of Vampires and all I could see. This morning I saw a flock of turkeys. Alas I am not even King of Turkeys now.

So inside I went to my MacBook Pro and to Google Maps and to my castle.

It was gone. My castle was not there. GONE. Not a trace. Just forest and meadows and NOTHING. All traces of my existence was gone. I looked up my name. Nothing but some Russian fool who rides horses and other animals without a shirt, and ridiculous laughable horror movies, and bad fan fiction. There is no trace or memory of me.

I picked up my phone (another unbelievable marvel of technology) and called my friend Randolpho. He said I had to look on the Dark Web to find information about real Vampires. I do not understand. I know that by web he does not mean a spider web but something of course we can not see. This new world and the language is confusing. Everything is called by a name that is indeed a tangled web of language. He said I needed a special server and spoke of other things I do not understand. Who is that special server and where do I find him? Will he serve only me or others as well? I did not risk asking Randolpho and seeing his eyes roll.

Yes, that is something people do now. They roll their eyes around in their heads as if to say, “you are ridiculous and have the mind of a child.” I have recently learned the term, “bless his heart,” means the same thing. Eye rolling. Bah.

I am forgotten. I am lost. I am new. I am frustrated.

I expressed this feeling to my love Gillian.

She said, “You’re so cute Vlad.” Then she kissed me. That is something no amount of technology can improve on.

So apparently I am cute as well. I do not understand this cute, but I will take her word for it. My advice to any male is to take a woman’s word on it, no matter what she says.

~ Vlad

 

Dear Diary,

I still mourn the loss of my former home and kingdom, but on the other hand I am glad it is gone and nobody else is living there in my place.

Tonight I walked around my new home. It is a 3,500 square foot home with what is called a good sized yard. There is plenty of room for me, the cats, Jane the coyote dog, and Gillian when she is here.

Gillian has claimed her own bathroom (there are four of them. FOUR.) With all of the tools and cosmetics at her disposal there is no need of a maid for her. When I first met her it took two hours for her to get ready in the morning. She had layers and layers of clothing. She had layers of hair. Cosmetics were complex and questionable. Now she jumps in the shower, blows her hair with hot air and lets it flow down her back, then she pulls on six items. Only six. Bra, panties, jeans, shirt, two shoes. That is all. Sometimes she wears a dress, but it is tiny and no slip, corset, underskirts, hoops, or pads are needed. It is just my beautiful Gillian’s natural shape that shows. She sometimes laughs and says it is easier to be a Vampire with fewer clothes.

Gillian also has taught me how to get blood stains out using magical chemicals and a machine that actually washes clothing. In my castle there were five women who washed my clothing, and only my clothing. There were a dozen more to do the job for the rest of the castle.

Yes, I can now wash clothing in secret, with my own private machine, without anyone knowing what I have been doing the night before. That is always a good thing.

~ Vlad

 

Dear Diary,

I was out tonight at my favorite night spot, where Vampires can sit among the crowd without anyone suspecting they are only there looking for a bit to eat in peace.

The bartender and owner, a lovely woman named Cassie, has become, shall I say, a friend.

Tonight she leaned against the bar facing me and asked me, “Where are you from Vlad? Originally? I can’t place your accent? Europe? South Africa?”

I smiled and took her hand, “Dear Cassie, where I come from no longer exists. Even if I could go home those who live there would not welcome me. I have found a home here, with those who are like me, in a new home with strangers. But strangers no more. I have you and others friends who are far better people than I knew before.”

“You can’t go home again. Sort of like the Thomas Wolfe novel. Have you read it?”

“No. Write it down. I will read it.”

“You seem sad,” she said.

“No, I am not sad. I am just feeling, what do you say, retrospective.” Then I smiled at her in a way that charms all who have warm blood in their veins. “I come from a place in Europe where the mountains are high and eagles still fly above the towering trees. I do not even know what country it is now. It does not matter. I am here in California. I will learn to ride a board on the waves. What is it called? Smurfing?”

“Surfing. It is surfing. Smurfs are small blue French people. Like annoying little dwarves and there’s only one girl.”

I had no idea what she was talking about. I just smiled and then scanned the room for someone with a nice neck and a healthy pulse.

Later with my veins full of fresh blood and my mind clear I went back to see Cassie. I gave her a kiss on her cheek and a hug. I closed my eyes feeling her heart beat.

“Thank you my dear Cassie for giving comfort to an old man.”

“Love you Vlad. HA! Old man my ass. What are you? Thirty-two, thirty-four?”

“Something like that,” I said as I kissed her cheek again. I would never tell her that I am 675 years old. I would never tell. It always confuses people, more than any technology can confuse an old Vampire like me.

As I left I could hear her tell the other bartender, “Damn, he is cute.”

I do not understand this cute. That I will never understand, but I will take it as a compliment from a friend.

~ Vlad

 

Dear Diary,

I woke in a cold sweat. I am a Vampire so I only have cold sweat. I had a nightmare about small blue Frenchmen. They smelled of garlic and blueberries. They sang songs in deep throaty voices about ripping out the heart of Vlad the Vampire King.

The door to my bedroom opened. My love Gillian came in. She was wearing an extremely small black dress. The dress fell to the floor, along with her bra and panties. That was three pieces of clothing. She had no shoes. Now she wore nothing but diamond studs in her ears.

She crawled into bed with me, putting her smooth cold arms around me. I put my arms around her and pulled her close as she skimmed her fangs across my neck, then put her lips to mine.

I closed my eyes, and saw blue men, screaming as the large waves covered them while the great white sharks ate them like teenage children eat Hot Cheetos.

Gillian took my face in her hands. “Are you ok Vlad?”

OK. That is another one of those words I do not understand. It means someone  or something is good, or not bad, or it could mean anything, or nothing.

“I am fine,” I said. “Just take my mind off of my mind. Make me forget.”

As always she did. And then some.

~ Vlad

 

Kissed by a Vampire

Kissed by a Vampire

You’ve just read the 40th entry of Vlad’s Vampire Diary. To start from the beginning, or read your favorites again click here. 

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Vampire Diary: Modern Technology

Dear Diary,

The cat came home wet and covered with mud. I am not amused.

~ Vlad

 

Dear Diary,

I find that after one has been sealed in a crypt, against his will, for three hundred years, one has time to think. I thought many things during those three centuries sealed in a crypt with a knife through my heart.

That is literally a knife, not figuratively like the rejection of a lover. I was the Vampire King the rejection of a lover was not something that was possible.

After being rescued after three hundred years in captivity I find myself in a world full of wonders and confusion. I quickly took to automobiles. I have both electric and gas powered automobiles. Yet I have found that electricity makes it both easier and more difficult for the tasks involved in being a Vampire. Light at the touch of a switch can ruin any meal.

Last night I was in a dark corner, my fangs sinking into the neck of my dinner companion when suddenly there were lights. Someone yelled, “I found a Vaporeon, oh crap, shit, sorry. I didn’t know you two…”

I looked up, blood dripping from my chin. I never drip blood. Holding up my hand I whispered for them to turn and forget what they saw. The memories were erased from their minds.

Electricity. What is the saying they say about being damned if you do our you do not? Damned if you are a Vampire caught sucking blood from the necks of unsuspecting hipsters. I like that word hipster. It makes me smile with thoughts of humor.

~ Vlad

 

 

Dear Diary,

I have gone unnoticed in history. I am a Vampire so I should not be surprised. We keep our histories to ourselves, or hide our true selves.

When I was out tonight a group of young women caught my attention. They came to me like moths to flames, or more like small children to candy. Seduction is easy when one is a Vampire.

They told me that I am cute. I still do not understand this cute. Cats are cute. Babies are cute. I am not a cat or a baby. One said I was gorgeous. That I understand. That young woman, she is called Heather, speaks the truth.

One of the women asked if I was Russian and mentioned Vladimir Putin. They said he was not so cute. Of course he is not cute. Being called Vlad does not automatically make one cute. Then they giggled (I never understood the excessive giggling of young women) and mentioned Vlad the Impaler. I am not Russian or an impaler.

Oh the bane of my modern existence is this man Vlad the Impaler whom I consider an imposter. There is NOTHING cute about Vlad III, Prince of Wallachia, otherwise sometimes said to have inspired the fictional Dracula. The man sold his soul but was no Vampire.

“That Vlad was not cute,” I said to the women. They giggled. I did, what do they say…I scored big time.

I could have told the young women about the cruelties he inflicted on women and children, but cooking them alive and forcing their families to eat them. I could have told them the things he did to the wives of the men he hated, but I did not.

I would rather seduce a population than rule them in fear. Maybe that is what they mean by cute. No, maybe not. On the other hand, that is exactly what cats do. Cats are cute. Maybe.

I remember when I first heard word of Vlad the Impaler. My Baba told me about him and said I must be careful. I told her, “Baba, I’ve been Vampire King for over two hundred years, I know what I am doing. He will not bring fear upon the hearts of my people.”

Baba said, “Grandson, you must watch, not just in the shadows, but in the light. Watch for those who are not only powerful, but watch for those who rule with fear and malice. You rule with power and the seduction of a Vampire. Those outside of your rule fear you. Never let those who live under your protection live in fear of you.”

Vlad the Impaler was killed by a rival and buried in an unmarked grave. He was no Vampire. The world has not changed in so many ways. Technology abounds yet humans still prove themselves to be stupid and cruel. Humans prove they are sheep who follow a lead, only to find themselves being eaten alive.

After I’d had my fill of blood, at the home of one of the women, I walked to my car, thinking about this strange world I woke up in.

I closed my eyes and thought of the warm skin of one of the girls on my lips, and her hot hands on my body, and I wondered if she could also be considered cute. She was beautiful, but empty in the way so many young girls are. One day she will find wisdom through experience, and that will be even a more delicious night.

~ Vlad

 

Dear Diary,

I imagine what my Baba would think of this new world I have found myself in. I remember her bringing me a cup of warm blood and singing me songs of night. Even when I was a grown man she was there with stories of great Vampire Kings of the past, and the time when she was almost a Vampire Queen. I told her that she would always be my Queen. Baba would pat me on the head and smile showing her magnificent fangs. Then she would call me good boy and tell me to drink my blood.

Tonight my lover Gillian came to my house. She is the stars in my sky. She is the key to the universe. Gillian understands technology, as I would have if I had not been locked up for so many years.

When she kissed me I could taste blood on her lips. “You have already eaten,” I said.

She smiled and kissed my neck. “Just a snack.”

I love that woman.

Driving an automobile came easy to me. That was never a problem. Gillian helped me master the television remote, all of those apple things which are not fruits, and power tools. I find power tools quite exciting, especially the chain saw and the belt sander.

I also like the blow dryer on my golden locks. I feel the power of the hot air going through my hair as if I have harnessed the great winds coming down from the sky at my beck and call. One must get thrills where he can if one is no longer King of the Vampires.

And there are closets in houses. Closets are the best thing of all.

After a night out with Gillian I found myself in her arms, not wanting her to ever leave. I find that love has changed over the centuries as well, even among Vampires.

“Move in with me,” I told her. “This house is large with a lot of closets.”

She pulled me closer. “Are closets all you have to offer?”

“I will show you what I have to offer,” I told her.

No need to write more.

~ Vlad

 

 

Kissed by a Vampire

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Friday Time Travel Edition

I was listening to Science Friday on the radio today and one of the subjects was Summer Science Fiction Reading.

And that got me thinking about science, and specifically time travel, and that involves physics, and theft. It involves figuring out stolen technology, and what happens when one becomes involved with technology one does not fully understand. Or what happens when the ego gets too involved with that technology.

Think about it.

I’ve been remiss on my blog writing lately, the reasons are not important, but this discussion on the radio (an old but wonderful technology that should NEVER go away) made me stop to explain that sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.

In today’s world so much science fiction is now science fact. Look at Star Trek and their flip phones. They didn’t have the Internet, or they might have, but nobody was laughing at Klingon memes, much less cosmic cat memes, or taco cat memes for that matter. We’ve been on the moon. People are living in space right now. I’m writing this to you on a small MacBook Pro that has more functions and power than computers that used to fill up a football stadium worth of space. I drive a car that gets satellite radio, air conditioning, and tells me when my tires are low.

Yet, we’re still not where most science fiction takes us, locked within our own quiet solar system, all alone in the back waters of the Milky Way. Seriously, what if someone came to our planet and we asked him where in the Milky Way he was from, and he laughed? He laughed a great big belly laugh. On his world they call our galaxy the Sparkling Matter Pizza. You never know. I mean you really never know who or what is out there.

An in turn, most people have no idea what is right here at home. That isn’t a good thing, or a bad thing, it is just a thing.

OK I’m wrong about that. Some of ignorance is good, and some is bad. The ignorance about science and technology is bad. The ignorance of those of us who live on the edge of the world of light and shadows (so to speak because I don’t want to use the term paranormal) is a good thing for us. By us I mean Vampires. It also means Werewolves, Ghosts, and assorted others. But back to Time Travel.

When the first Human Time Travelers from Earth started to show up the fact that most of them were real jerks didn’t go unnoticed. The technology was stolen from various sources. They had no concept of what to do with it or what they would find. They thought they knew what they would find.

What the Time Travelers did not expect to find was Vampires.

For example, you’re a Time Traveler and you have your machine set for 1645. You get there. You meet a guy. He is cute. You have an affair. He makes you feel all light headed and lovely. He says he’ll see you around. Then you go to 1864 and there he is, a Union Officer. Same guy. Wow. You feel light headed when you’re with him again. Of course you do. He has drained out half of your blood, but you don’t know that. Then you see him in 2016. By then he is annoyed with you, and nobody ever sees you again. Or he might just fuck you silly and you go forward to the year 2345 and there he is again. Then you ask him about his time machine and he rips your throat out.

Or you meet him in 2016, then you go back to 1430 and there he is and he has no idea who you are, but you know it is him. He doesn’t know you but he knows you’re a time traveler. He is not amused.

Of course he isn’t amused because he is another kind of time traveler. He is a Vampire.

Vampires don’t take to kindly to Time Travelers. They are the uninvited guest that never seem to get a clue that nobody wants them there. Everything to them is like a game. But real life and time machine cosplay aren’t the same thing.

Everybody likes the idea of time travel, but believe me nobody likes a Time Traveler.

A while back I shared a story based on the experience of a friend of mine. I’ll share it again, right now. Here you go.

The Time Travelers

Carefully opening the package, Theo discovered a formerly unknown packet of love letters between Thomas Jefferson and the wife of one of his best friends. Unknown to the modern world. Everyone back then had known, well almost everyone who knew the couple. They were just too polite to say anything.

The paper was still in good condition and the ink strong. “Very good,” he said to himself. Dealing in old documents and antiques could be tricky if you didn’t know what was real and what was not. He always knew what was real.

As he gently lifted the old letters back into the box there was a sudden flash of light and a beautiful woman in jeans and a sweater suddenly appeared before him.

“Theo? Darling, what are you doing here?” The woman seemed surprised to see him. Well damn, he was equally surprised. It was almost 3:00 a.m. and his shop was closed for the Thanksgiving holiday week.

He looked her up and down. Tall, pretty, sort of out of place. No, really out of place. “This is my place of business. Do I know you?”

“You’re… are you a time traveler too? You didn’t tell me? Did you get here on the Tardis?” She gave a little laugh like they were old buddies with an inside joke.

Theo was not amused. “What are you talking about? What is the Tardis?”

She rolled her eyes and smiled. “Dr. Who. His time machine. You know the 250th Anniversary.”

“Oh right. The 50th anniversary or something like that. I don’t watch it. Never did. You need to leave.”

She stepped towards him and smiled that dazzling smile of hers again. “How did you get here?”

Theo was not amused. “I’m sorry, I thought I made it clear that I’m no fan of Dr. Who. You need to go right now. I’ve had enough of your deranged game.”

She took another step forward. “Then how did you go from being in 2313 back to 2013? That’s three hundred years.”

“So I know you in the future?”

“We’re lovers. Don’t you remember?”

He didn’t remember. But it suddenly dawned on him where she had come from and why she was there. “I haven’t been there yet,” he quietly told her.

She wasn’t the first time traveler he’d run across in his 465 years, but this is the first time he’d encountered her.

“What is your name?” He asked her as he stepped closer.

“Laura. How could you not know?”

“This is as far as I’ve come my dear. I can’t travel to the future.”

She looked confused. “You’re in the past Theo.”

“My present. You don’t know do you? In the future we’re still hiding who we really are. Laura are we in a relationship of the heart or is it just a physical thing?”

Her eyes watered up. “Theo, don’t do this.”

“Laura, do you know what I am?”

“You’re the man I’m falling in love with.”

“I’m the man who will take what he needs and either leave you or kill you. My advice would be to change time and let me be.”

A tear rolled down her beautiful face. “No. How did you get here?”

“The question should be how did I get THERE. Laura.” He whispered her name and stepped closer. “I’m sorry it has to be this way.”

He kissed her than moved to her neck. He could taste unknown drugs of the future in her system, no doubt something to help with the effects of time travel or stress. He could read her memories of their affair. It was a strange time. Time Travelers always had memories that were confusing and somewhat ignorant. What they knew of the past was almost always based on fantasy and what they wanted it to be, not what it really had been.

Looking down on the sleeping woman, Theo thought that she must be intelligent to be part of a Time Travel program, but emotionally she was like a teenage girl all full of fluttery ideas and dreams of romance. He’d never fall in love with her. She wasn’t of his kind and she never would be.

Yawning, he looked at the clock to realize dawn was almost here. Time to sleep. “I’m the ultimate time traveler. A Vampire dear. I only go forward. Until we meet again.” Then he kissed her gently and left her alone to return to her own time and his future.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have several other posts about time travelers. My mother likes to screw with their minds in a big way. Do a search. You’ll find them.

If you don’t know what Science Friday is CLICK HERE to discover all sorts of cool things, including that summer Science Fiction reading discussion. And this week is
CEPHALOPOD WEEK 2016. How cool is that?

Oh, oh, oh… I have a joke for you. I made it up. If an octopus has eight legs what do you call a cat? A quadrapuss. HA HA HA HA HA.

I’ll see you all later,

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

Next we'll discuss the physics of Artistic Rollerskating. Talk about time travel... but that is another discussion.

Next we’ll discuss the physics of Artistic Rollerskating. Talk about time travel… but that is another discussion.

 

No Connection

This morning I dropped my computer off at the broken down computer shop. The shop is local and more or less a one guy shop. I could have gone down to the insanely busy and hip Apple Store and driven around an hour to find parking (seriously), but I decided to bring my square headed boyfriend and business partner to the nice computer guy in my neighborhood. I could have driven a few blocks more and been at the gates of Folsom Prison but anyway…

My computer isn’t charging. So for today I found someone else. The square headed boyfriend that I’m using today is cool. His name is Dell. He is dark and handsome with a really big screen.

So I wait with Dell, handsome but a little slow and unfamiliar. He is a good one, and at one time I would have been happy with Dell, but my Mac knows me. Mac and I have been through a lot. I’ve put him through a lot. I mean, there are a lot of things I wish he could do better, but I’m happy to have him.

Mac had been slowing down, not charging, and not making a good connection. This morning he wasn’t responding at all.

My phone is in my back pocked so I won’t miss the call. I hope the news is good.

I’m sorry Dell, I love you and your big 17 inch screen, but it just isn’t working. You don’t have the right software.

But as long as Mac is away… he’ll never know.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Vampire verse and musings on technology (more like, you know, weird random thoughts)

Time travel makes me dizzy.

 

In the darkness

Ancient and cool

In the heat

Of blistering summer

Waiting for night

Dreaming of winter

And in a moment

Texting

A friend

Finding out

If they’ll dance

And hunt

Then laugh

In the darkness

Of the cool

Summer night.

 

My reflection is unclear,

But you my love,

Can get my text

And I can get your neck.

 

My brother Val is never without his smart phone. I’m not either and my teens, well, they might as well be phone Zombies. We’re all on our phones. So much has been written about teens and phones. You already know all about it.

You wouldn’t think Vampires would have smart phones with texting and all the social media but we do. Sure we can send our thoughts out but why not just text and have our prey WANT to come to us. It is always nicer if they think it is their idea.

Technology keeps us (Vampires) from being dark and brooding. We love being connected, not just to warm blooded folks but to other Vampires all over the world. It is the smart choice for a society of, well for our society, let’s just leave it at that.

And speaking of technology, the teens, Val and I went to see the movie Lucy on Friday afternoon. It was over 100 outside but nice and cool in the theater. Lucy is an interesting good old fashioned technology based science fiction tale. Sometimes the story line wasn’t so smooth but it was a good ride. Fun movie if you don’t try to break it down. Yes, it is fiction, as in fantasy.  But hey, you’re reading a Vampire blog so I doubt if you’ll have any problems with Lucy. And I want my hair to be like Lucy’s hair. The black dress was really great too!

Science fiction, smart phones, technology and communication all go hand in hand… it is who we are now. So it is only natural that we (Vampires) keep up with it as well. We do keep up in ways that would frighten any warm blooded human.

After the movie Val mentioned that he’d heard someone was trying to do a reality TV show on Vampire Hunters. I think it might have been done before. There was a hair brained show about people who thought they were Vampires. They drank blood. I drink gin but that doesn’t make me an Englishman.

The person who is leading the Vampire Hunt is some yahoo who has been a pain in fangs for years. We really just laugh at him. He wouldn’t know a real Vampire if it bit his neck and spit his blood back in his face. He is mainly digging up old graves and doing the creepy Dracula thing. That said I want the opinion of Vampire Hunters I know. Yes, I do know a few. They only go after the same creepy crawlers that we go after. No, all Vampires are not equal. That isn’t me just being a snob or mean.

I expect the Vampire Hunter series will get weird and kind of red-neck. I’m wondering how long their beards will be. It would be cool if they mixed it with a cooking competition or maybe even did some dating action. The possibilities are endless.

Technology allows me to drive my car, write this blog so that people in Australia can see it, publish a book and make it available to millions of readers, keep my house cool, prevent my dog from having rabies and allows me to have a smartphone that rivals anything in any science fiction story or movie before 1999 AND technology allows me to play Wii Just Dance with my kids until I laugh myself silly. I could go on for another gazillion words.

But with all of the technology we still need that face to face, fang to neck, lip to lip connection that we all need, no matter what you are.

I’m just thinking out loud on paper, but a different kind of paper, but I still call paper. That’s ok. You can too.

By the way, I’m going to a Giant’s game in San Francisco tomorrow so Short Story Sunday will be a rerun. I’ll pick a good one.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

funny_cat_pictures_lolcats_this_cat_is_pushing-s500x485-301701

 

 

Love in the 21st Century for those born in the 19th Century

Love in the 21st Century for those born in the 19th Century (Modern Vampires)

My brothers and I are young compared to a lot of Vampires, but face it, we were born in the mid-19th century and things have changed a lot since we were teens and first started to woo, court and romance the opposite sex.

My brother Aaron and I are the parents. We’ve seen our modern children (his in their early 20’s, mine in high school) romancing or at least thinking about it, but in a different more forward way than we ever did. Of course being Vampires we were a little freer thinking than regular humans of our time but we were a lot more formal than kids are now.

But I remember dancing under the stars with my husband (sometime in the late 1880’s before he was my husband) and slipping a note into his pocket. Does anyone do that anymore or is it just texts? Then again, Teddy didn’t find the note until a year later. Actually another woman found it. She was none too pleased. And I’d wondered why I hadn’t heard from him. If I’d just texted him, used Instagram or use Snapchat to send him a string of T&A shots…but still there would have been no guarantees. And NO my kids will NOT be using Snapchat (also known as Snatchchat.)

Which brings us to my other three brothers, all single and still trying to find their way through the wilds of the female brain (so they call it) and still almost clueless when it comes to relationships.

Right now Andrew is nursing a broken heart and mending his tragic soul in Patagonia. But he is not alone as he would have been in the past. He is brooding in the windy mountains and beaches of the Tierra del Fuego but he sends me emails every single day. He even sends clips of songs he is writing. No waiting months for letters. He can cry on my shoulder all hours of the day and night.  In return I send him messages saying “DON’T CONTACT HER. SHE ISN’T WORTH IT.” And for goodness sake don’t send her any photos unless it is of the desolate landscape then you can compare it to the desolation and isolation of your heart and soul. Yes, my brothers are way too dramatic for their own good. That is one reason they’re always getting their hearts broken.

Val (short for Valentine) like his namesake actually is smart when it comes to romance in the modern world. He appreciates and admires independent women. He is an expert at all known communication technology. But he still appreciates the face-to-face experience.

“You can’t smell someone in a text.” Val enjoys the physical way too much…

And this is where you hear the sound effect of a needle sliding over the surface of a vinyl record (if you don’t know what that is look it up.)

 

“You’re at it again Juliette, queen of Vampire smut. Stop with the lame writing and put your mind to the task.”

I looked up from my keyboard to see the ghost brooding in front of me. His eyes were like black coals and his dark hair flew around his face (a cool trick considering there was no wind.)

“I don’t write smut. And it is called writer’s block.” I told him. “I don’t feel amused today at all or witty or charming. I also don’t feel like dealing with you.”

“You shouldn’t pressure yourself. If you need to write just go on Facebook and say something cute about your kids or sucking blood or whatever you Vampires say to each other.” He gave me an evil smile that was both snarky and made him look more attractive than he should have looked.

“Love,” the ghost continued, “isn’t any different today than it ever way. The tools might be different, but it all comes from the heart. It comes from common attraction and interest, but even more so it comes from the unexpected. That is why I don’t always like the idea of filling out an online survey of likes and interests only to have it spit out a clone of the opposite sex. I wouldn’t fall in love with myself if I were a girl. I want someone who isn’t me.  I mean, don’t you get bored with yourself? Oh right, you’re bored with yourself right now.”

He had a valid point, even if he is a ghost.

Anyway…that is all for today. I’m going to be away for a few days but I will be checking on my iPhone.

And if you really want romantic advice check out (click on the links below):

Uncle Val’s Advice on Women (for Vampires and Everyone Else) and

Advice on Girls from Uncle Max

and Art, Love and the Romantic Soul

and Love and the teenage soul

Search around on my blog…about half of the posts are on love and romance of some kind.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Where did they put their smart phones?

Where did they put their smart phones?

 

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/06/24/weekly-writing-challenge-love/