You can be you

All hail

The mysterious

Vampire Lord

God almighty

I am bored.


My friend Cody is fairly new at being a Vampire. He was “converted” in 2012. Needless to say it was quite an unexpected experience for him. One minute he was driving down the coastal highway, and the next minute his crazy girlfriend was turning the wheel of the car and they were flying off of a cliff down into the Pacific Ocean.

They were rescued by Vampires and the rest is history for my former Silicone Valley friend.

Cody has adapted better than most. He has adapted extremely well.

There are times though when my young friend will do things out of habit, or comfort.

He buys fortune cookies just for the fortunes. Of course he doesn’t eat them. That will cause stomach cramps. He gets them for the fortunes. You know those little slips of paper that say things like: You will bring sunshine into someone’s life or Tomorrow your creative side will shine forth with exceptional ideas.

Cody has been coming over to watch “The Alienist” with us on Monday nights. By the way, next Monday is the last one.

If you haven’t been watching this is the story (I stole grabbed this description from another web site.)

The best-selling book by Caleb Carr is the basis for “The Alienist,” a psychological thriller set amidst the vast wealth, extreme poverty and technological innovation of 1896 New York. A never-before-seen ritualistic killer is responsible for the gruesome murders of boy prostitutes, and newly appointed police commissioner Theodore Roosevelt calls upon criminal psychologist Dr. Laszlo Kreizler, newspaper illustrator John Moore and police department secretary Sara Howard to conduct the investigation in secret. The brilliant, obsessive Kreizler is known as an alienist — one who studies mental pathologies and the deviant behaviors of those who are alienated from themselves and society. His job, along with his controversial views, makes him a social pariah in some circles. But helped by a band of outsiders, Kreizler’s tireless efforts eventually answer the question behind what makes a man into a murderer.

You need to check it out just for the costumes. No BS half assed stuff that is so historically inaccurate that it will make your fangs hurt. No over done make-up or modern hair styles on the women. It is visually wonderful. We’ve been sucked into the characters and story as well.

Anyway, Cody mentioned that one of the main actors, Luke Evans (of course he is Welsh, just like my Welsh ancestors who had the same last name)… Luke Evans also played Vlad/Dracula in the movie Dracula Untold. I’m not sure what Dracula was supposed to be told in that story, but apparently someone forgot to tell him what it was. By the way, Luke Evans is great in The Alieniest. I hope to see him in more films/TV in the future.

Then Cody asked, “How come you don’t have all of the people you’ve turned into Vampires calling you their Vampire Queen or Vampire Mother?”

“Because it doesn’t work that way,” I said.

There are bands of Vampires, just like there groups of any type of people with leaders and followers. Most of us just live our own with friends and family. Sure it might get weird to some people, but seriously, I’m living in 2018. I’m living in California in 2018. I’ve never seen a Vampire Lord, or had to deal with someone longing for the days everyone had blood dripping off of their chins and shit like that.

We wear jeans, and flannel shirts, and have access to fortune cookies.

I’m a mom, not Vampirella. I don’t want to be Vampirella. That little weird red swim suit kind of thing she always wears looks really uncomfortable. Besides that her taste in men is horrible.


Seriously, can you imagine wearing this to the hardware store, much less picking your kids up from school in this?

We’re modern Vampires. Just like any modern person, we live in this world. Save the cosplay for the weekend.

Like the song says: You can be you. I love Saint Motel.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman



Random Ramblings on Romance

middle age romanceI was in my car, driving to the post office to drop off my taxes to the real blood suckers, not really thinking about anything except the sound of the voice on the radio. I wasn’t even listening to his words. You know how it is when you’re in your own thoughts and everything else is sort of a blur. At the light right before the strip mall with the post office I saw a couple on the side of the road.

They were typical white trash. Oh don’t get offended. If you know where I live you know who I’m talking about. There are two main streets that divides the two communities. One is tree lined and lovely upscale. The other is an almost treeless jumble of strip malls, auto shops, tattoo parlors, massage parlors and bars, restaurants, and other assorted small businesses. The businesses are ok – the look of everything is awful and run down.

So I’m driving down the side without the trees and saw a couple walking along. He looked was scruffy and skinny with a gray beard and loose blue flannel shirt and pants that were sort of baggy. She had squeezed junior sized clothing onto her square shaped middle-aged body. A sleeveless black shirt was sort of twisted across her arms and showed the flash of a red bra under the sleeve. The too short and too tight of a skirt showed off pale skinny legs. She almost hobbled in low heels, running a hand to brush back her straw-like over processed hair.

They’d been to the store and maybe out to lunch. There might have been a car that wasn’t running, or had been borrowed by a friend or relative. They might have had DUIs. One thinks about that when you see people like them walking on the side of the road. They could have just had an environmentally conscious moment and decided to walk, despite the heavy winds. He looked like he was about sixty years old. She looked around fifty (a well worn fifty.) I knew they were both in their early forties. And she looked pissed at him, maybe because they were out walking rather than driving, but it could have been anything.

They’d no doubt met right after high school. Years of drinking, smoking cigarettes, pot, meth and assorted other things hadn’t helped their looks. No doubt they had kids who’d either moved out and on as quick as they could or moved back in with grandchildren of unknown parentage. But from what I could see they’d been together forever and would be together forever as each other’s old man and old lady.

Easy targets for a Vampire but I leave their kind alone. I wouldn’t fit into their world if I came lurking around. It would be hard for me to even pretend. I could, but…

My brother Max has always been so judgmental of the romantic lives of others. He is judgmental of things not romantic too. That is just Max. He is also protective of what he thinks is his, and that includes his family members. I find that extremely hypocritical considering what an asshole he is when it comes to relationships. He goes after women who mess with him and use the ones who could love him with a measure of honesty, but that is another post.

I had stopped by the home of the Elders, Tellias and Eleora, the ancient Vampires I watch over. They’re out on a farm by the river in the Queen Ann style mansion they build one hundred and thirty years ago. Sometimes other family members will come stay with the fragile old couple to make sure they’re alright. I can’t always get down there myself. After much begging I convinced others to help me out.

When I arrived I saw that Lola, was staying in the cottage she’d made into her second home (sort of.)

Cody’s Prius was parked in front of Lola’s cottage next to her Tesla. For obvious reasons Vampires love their hybrid and electric cars.

Let me step back for a second for my readers who are new here. Cody is a 30 something Vampire. Lola was born in 1342. She is also my great great great grandmama.

Lola’s parents looked sort of like this:

Lola's parents might have looked like this. I'm digging that man-dress.

Lola’s parents might have looked like this. I’m digging that man-dress.











Cody’s parents looked sort of like this around the time he was born:

All the girls wanted a guy like this - but  more a DRESS like this. I like the little flower details and the hecka big veil. Yes, these two look a lot like our young Cody's parents.

All the girls wanted a guy like this – but more a DRESS like this. I like the little flower details and the hecka big veil. Yes, these two look a lot like our young Cody’s parents.










Max thinks they shouldn’t be together. He thinks Cody is too young for Lola, even though she looks much younger than Cody. But Max, Mr. Alpha Uber Vampire, can sit in a corner and sulk for all I care. I’m just happy that Cody and Lola are happy when they spend time together.

Just as I was getting out of my car Max pulled up in his black SUV with his giant wolfhound mix dogs. He looked over at the cottage then glared back at me.

“Don’t even say it. Don’t even think it,” I hissed at him.

When we got up to the farmhouse Eleora and Tellias greeted us with hugs and kisses, then more hugs and kisses. Then as always they sang a little song to greet us.

Night time sharpens,
Heightens each sensation
Darkness stirs and wakes imagination
Silently the senses
Abandon their defenses

Slowly gently, night unfurls
Its splendour
Grasp it, sense it,
Tremulous and tender

Turn your face away
From the garish light of day,
Turn your thoughts away
From cold unfeeling light
And listen to the music of the night

It is always something random and unexpected. Phantom of the Opera today – Metallica or Gregorian Chants tomorrow. One never knows.

“Do you know Cody is at the cottage with Lola?” Max asked the elderly Vampires as if they’d actually take his side on the issue.

“Yes Cody. We adore Cody,” said Tellias.

“We adore him,” said Eleora.

“He took to Vampiring right away,” continued Tellias.

“Right away, like he was born to it,” said Eleora.

“Never spills a drop of blood,” said Eleora.

“Never,” said Tellias.

“Never,” said Eleora.

“Cody is smart,” said Tellias.

“Smart as smart can be,” said Eleora.

“Brilliant,” said Tellias.

“Absolutely,” said Eleora.

“We like Cody a lot,” said Tellias.

“Yes we do,” said Eleora.

“He makes Lola happy,” said Tellias.

“Poor dear deserves a bit of happiness,” Eleora.

“It makes her less dramatic if you know what I mean,”said Tellias.

“You’d be less dramatic Maxwell if you had love in your life,” said Eleora.

“Real love,” said Tellias.

“True love,” said Eleora. Then she took Max by the arm and kissed him on the cheek.

My brother looked slightly annoyed but defeated. He can’t win an argument with those two. They wear him out. Plus at over 2,000 years old they know what they are talking about.

With true love you need to look for someone who will go to Hell and back with you. You need someone who is willing to build something with you. For Max it is all fluff and the chase. It is about controlled passions and high expectations.

In reality love can’t always be explained. If there is love and respect and romance then let it happen. If it doesn’t work then move on. If it does then you have something wonderful.

There was no dramatic wrap up to the story. Lola walked into the kitchen to get coffee and gave me a kiss on the cheek. She gave Max a hug and then shook her head at him and whispered, “Mind your own business.”

Next Cody staggered in and filled his mug as well. Of course he is clueless of how Max feels but that is OK. Max needs another hobby.

More on school, teens and parenting stuff will be here later today. Have a good one everyone.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman









Short Story Sunday: A Lunch Date With Zombies

A little over a year ago I posted about an experience my friend Cody and I had. Since I’ve been too swamped to come up with a new short story for today…here is one of my favorite tall tales (and of course, as always, completely true)…

A Lunch Date With Zombies

Fridays are usually my lunch hunt date. I switched things up this week and took Cody, my young “Vampire in Training” out with me on Thursday.

Lunch dates are fun ways for Vampires to hunt right out in the open. They involve fun, flirting, a bit of seduction and just enough blood to get you going for the weekend ahead. And regular humans never even suspect. They just leave the situation feeling warm and fuzzy, a little tired, and they think they’ve, well, you know.

Cody and I had arranged to meet an old friend of mine at my office with an associate of his. They were Lobbyist for the farming industry (after all we’re in the State Capitol and in the largest agricultural state).  Mike and Melissa. I’m in public relations and do work for them from time to time.

Cody is shy by nature, a sweet likeable young man, but when it comes to hunting he is extremely shy. Most new Vampires can’t wait to get hunting, but with Cody it is more of a sweet romance, rather than just taking what one wants.

So to make a short story long, a guy in a suit shows up at the door. He looks like he’s been to hell and back then I recognize him as Mike. Behind him is Melissa, who is usually the perkiest blonde I’ve ever met, looking ashen and un-perkey.

I wonder if someone died, then realize, somebody has. They don’t smell right. They don’t look right. My stomach turns. Even Cody is picking up on something.

I step back.

“Juliette” says Mike “You have to help us.”

He puts his hand on my arm and I immediately feel it – ZOMBIES.

Funny, likable and extremely smart Mike, a sixth generation California farmer, graduate of UCD (THE Farm School) and successful advocate for the farmer is now…for all practical purposes DEAD.

And don’t give me any crap about being a Vampire. My flesh isn’t rotting and I’m not craving human brains for lunch. Plus I know where my soul is.

I’m confused. Both Mike and Melissa look good, all things considering.

Plus I thought all the Zombies had been confined to a compound in the Mojave Desert outside of Barstow.

“We’ve taken massive amounts of antibiotics to help prevent the rot and we’ve been drinking a lot of embalming fluid. That keeps the smell off and slows down the rot.” Mike told us.

The pair was driving across the Imperial Valley when they were stopped at a roadblock. Little did they know what seemed to be police were actually rogue Zombies.  Later that night they were picked up by the authorities and brought to the super secret Area Z, where Zombies are kept to be monitored and studied.

I thought of long afternoons with Mike and how sweet his blood tasted. I thought of the slow seductions and languid after glows. Now here he was, doing everything he could to keep his skin from falling off in sheets. Holy crap, this was bad.

“What do you need?” I asked.

Mike put a hand to his face, adjusting his left eye back into the socket. “I want you to turn us into Vampires.”

OK, this is where the sound effects do a screeching halt. The very idea of a Zombie is revolting but putting my lips on the flesh of a Zombie and sharing blood. Putrid rotting blood.

“Has this ever been done?” Asked Cody.

“No, or at least never that I’ve heard of.” I said. “So much could go wrong.”

“Nothing could be worse than it is already.” Melissa wailed and watched as her thumbnail fell to the floor along with the tip of her thumb.

I thought about it for a moment then spoke in secret to Cody. I had an idea. If it worked we’d be heroes. If it didn’t we’d have to kill the Zombies, no matter that they were our friends.

I took Cody into the small kitchen area of the office where we bit into our wrists and let our own Vampire blood drain into two coffee cups.

The Zombies drank and before our eyes their skin went from gray to the color of their former living flesh (peaches & cream and coffee & cream – Vampires always think of everyone in terms of food, we can’t help it).

“I won’t turn you, not yet, but see if this helps. Don’t tell a soul, or anyone without a soul. Don’t tell anyone or I will hunt you down and kill you myself. Do you understand?”

They said they understood. I thought my stomach was going to drop out and my head would explode as they left the building.

Cody was about to speak when I told him. “The same goes to you Cody. If you tell a soul I will kill you and it won’t be fast or painless.”

“Got it.” Said Cody. I thought of my favorite movie line and said to Cody. “This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

Cody smiled.  Then and there I knew he’d make a great Vampire.

I’ll keep you posted on Mike and Melissa – when and if I hear anything.


Zombies are always on the back of our minds. For more information about Zombies go the OFFICIAL US Government Web Site (Center for Disease Control). Really, yes, this is a REAL government site. Good stuff.

More from Short Story Sunday

Short Story Sunday is a regular feature on
Expect the unexpected … and a lot of fun! Click on the title to go to the story.

Interview with a Vampire… the truth as we choose to tell it.

I was asked to be interviewed because I’m a Vampire. For the most part nobody knows I’m a Vampire… Anyway I was asked to be interviewed for some “paranormal” publication. Yes, I was talked into this one by someone who is going to owe me big time.

So what was I going to tell them?

I could tell them I like TV.  I might watch way too much TV but when you’re up all night… Zero Below just started… it is about people who live above the Arctic Circle. It isn’t done like some fake wacked out reality show. And…well, it is a little known fact that Vampires like to watch TV. We like movies a lot too. We also of course read a lot. If you find a Vampire you’ll find a book.

Of course blood will come up. Yes, that is the one big thing that differentiates us from them. My favorite types are poet’s blood and blood from lawyers. Now if I can find a lawyer who writes poetry I’ve found a little bit of heaven. My brother Val likes Vegan blood these days, then again it might just be that hot girl and her friends he… anyway…

The subject of being “human” always comes up. I can only imagine what I’ve missed out on, but then again don’t we ALL imagine what we might have missed out on had we been born as someone else, in another time or place, to different parents or a different gender? Or maybe we don’t wonder that at all. But they always ask.

They’ll ask more questions about my “Vampire powers.” Sure, if I try I can read your mind. I can make your forget. I can seduce you without you even knowing. I can make you long for me and not know why or who or what I am. I can make you feel good or I can send you to Hell.

Don’t ask how many people I’ve turned into Vampires. That is like asking someone how many people they’ve had sex with. You just don’t ask questions like that in polite society.

They’ll ask how old I am, then they’ll stare me. They’ll stare at me anyway. They’ll peer into my face looking for something. Then they’ll ask to see my fangs. They always want to see the fangs.

And how about those souls? Ugh. No no no. I’m not telling you about my souls or what I do or don’t do with them or if I have one or not.

I am not a rouge Vampire who rips flesh and has come back to life without a soul and the personality of a rabid wolverine. I don’t have fancy parties where I kill all my guests (I don’t want that kind of mess.) I don’t walk in league with dark lords or sleep in a crypt. I don’t mess with children. I can drain your body of every drop of blood you have but I choose not to do that.

Yes, I can eat regular food, or at least some of it. Processed sugar makes me violently ill, as do most baked goods.

I use a lot of sunscreen and have prescription sunglasses.

If I choose I can tell them my story about my life in three centuries. I can tell them about how I remember when the 120 year old building I’m meeting them in was new.

Should I tell them that we’re romantics and experts at writing love letters? Should I tell them that we can turn our hearts stone cold and uncaring at will?

When they look in the mirror will they see a shadow of a Vampire who hunts them? Maybe… maybe not.

I can tell them about things that would haunt them for the rest of their lives. I can tell them things that would make them never want to sleep again. I can put the fear in them so that they will never leave their homes after dark EVER again. I can make them go insane. Or not.

They ALWAYS ask the same questions.

Half of the time (more than half) they ask “would you turn me into a Vampire?” Of course the answer is a resounding NO. Please, you don’t know anything about it. You have no idea. And that is where I roll my eyes or maybe growl.

When I arrived Cody was waiting for me at the door, my dear Cody who has been a Vampire for only 2 years now.

“So what should I tell them?” Cody asked with one of his fun boyish smiles. At 34 he is cute and smart and has taken to the Vampire life like a champ.

“Tell them you’re the bastard child of Thomas Jefferson and Martha Washington. You were then raised by an old Indian Woman and her Werewolf companion.”


“Sure. They’ll believe anything.”

“I was thinking more along the lines of bastard son of Louis the 14th. You know, the Sun King.”

“Good thinking and a much better story.”

“Depending on what genre you want to be in today.” Cody smiled and put his arm around my shoulders.

I do love Cody. We met the journalists in the back booth of a downtown bar. It was dark and fitting for such an interview. They seemed surprised when they saw us. We were a stylish young couple who looked as normal and innocent as anyone else in the place. We were the last two people you’d pick out as Vampires.

Then again what does a Vampire look like? What does anyone look like?

In the end Cody and I told them that we’d talk to them but we wouldn’t tell them anything. We’d just let them know that they’d met a couple of Vampires and lived to tell about it. In the end we showed them our fangs – something they’d never forget.

And eventually they’d forget most of the details. It would be frustrating but, oh well.

All in all it was fun. I know my attitude sucked at first but that is not unusual for me. I don’t want to do something – go in complaining and end up glad I went. Cody was delightful and the journalists were nice people. They really were. Sincere and curious. I like that in people. I might have cocktails with them again. I might even have a little more than cocktails.

We all have our stories both public and private. Different versions for different situations.

This story will come out and Cody and I will be described as mysterious, elusive and charming. Which is always the truth, or at least the only truth we want to tell.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

(Thanks again Cody)


Why Vampires Wear Yellow Flip Flops

In the wee dark hours of Saturday morning (May the 4th Be With You), my 17 year old Garrett and I stopped by to visit the Elders Tellias and Elora in their grand Victorian farmhouse by the river.

My brother Val has moved in with them for a bit to to help, while Grandmama Lola lives in the enchanted guest cottage behind the house.

Domestic Vampire bliss.

More than bliss. I recognized Cody’s car.

Cody is a new Vampire, less than a year ago his car went over a cliff and the only way for friends to save him was to turn him into a Vampire. The 32 year old, former manager of an R&D lab in the Silicon Valley, Cody had taken to being a Vampire better than most. Being exceptionally accepting and having a sense of humor helped. Also, the fact that he could keep in touch with his family and friends, as if nothing had happened, but a horrible accident that left him needing to be out of the sun a little more and a major change in diet. Anyway, I am Cody’s trainer and we’ve grown to be friends.

It looks like Grandmama Lola has become friends with Cody as well. Um, more than friends. I was worried about that. The first time he planted his eyes on her he was head over heels about her. As we say in Vampire Land, his fangs ached for her. Sigh.

“Cody is in the cottage.” Garrett rolled his eyes while saying that.

“Looks like it.” I hoped Garrett would drop it.

“He’s a little young for her.”

“I know.”

“Does he know she was born the same year as Geoffrey Chaucer?”

“I don’t know.”

“You’d kill me if I dated a Vampire that old.”

“Yes, I would,” I told my son.

In the farmhouse Tellias was making coffee while Eleora danced around in a flowered dress and her favorite old flip flops.

They turned to us and smothered us in hugs and kisses. Then they sang us a song of greeting. Today is was Moon River. Their song choices are random but their voices are so lovely that it makes up for any weirdness.

Val came in and greeted us then poured coffee for everyone.

My son Garrett finally asked the Elders why they always wear yellow flip flops (the cheap kind). The answer was “So they won’t suspect we’re Vampires.”

Yellow Flip Flops

Yellow Flip Flops

Wishing you all a wonderful weekend full of fun, fancy, friends, family and don’t forget to wear your yellow flip flops.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman