Dear Juliette (Ask A Vampire): Advice for Everyone

Advice for Everyone

Dear Juliette (Ask A Vampire) is a regular Thursday feature on

These are real questions from real readers. If you need advice or just have an interesting question send it to:


Dear Juliette,

My mother in law is constantly pushing her parenting opinions on me and basically telling me how to raise my children. And while I know she has good intentions, it is becoming overwhelming and putting a strain on my family. Juliette, how would you handle a situation like this?

~ Frustrated Mom


Dear Frustrated Mom,

Nothing is worse than a meddling Mother-in-law and power plays that exist with in-laws.

Let her know that you believe that every family is different with their own flow. You are raising your kids how they need to be raised. Just short of telling Granny to take a chill pill, let her know that a Grandma’s role is to have fun with their grandkids. Your job is to raise those kids. Tell her that you’re doing a great job and your kids are happy. Period.

#1 You need your husband to back you up. He needs to tell his mom that you’re doing great and that your kids are doing great. She needs to hear it from him. She needs to hear it often until she stops giving unwanted advice. You’re his wife and the mother of his children. That means that YOU and your kids are his first priority and you are where his loyalty should be.

And your kids are doing great. Tell her how much they like school, how much they like their friends, how cute they are, and about all of the positive things they do. Don’t give her any negative bits to latch onto.

If it gets to be too much then see less of her. On a personal note: When my kids were small a relative or two tried to give unwanted critical advice. My husband threatened to cut them off completely. It worked. 

If your MIL is saying things to your kids, then your husband needs to tell her to stop NOW. Also have a conservation with your children about any relatives who try to interfere with your family. Let your kids know that every family is different and you do things your own way. Talk to them about how some people can’t help but compare families – and how that doesn’t make sense.

Or do what I’d do and just tell them that Grandma is nuts!

Wishing you the best. Your kids smart and cute and well-adjusted. MIL should be proud of you.

~ Juliette




Dear Juliette,

Do vampires need vaccines, or do they get immunity from their food?

~ Feeling Sharp


Dear Feeling Sharp,

Vampires DO NOT need vaccines. That said, all regular not undead and living humans DO need vaccines. That goes for Werewolves too (and they need their rabies shots and heart worm medications.)

~ Juliette




Dear Juliette,

Is it ok to bite your ex?

~ Hungry


Dear Hungry,

Go for it.

~ Juliette



Dear Juliette,

What is the best way to hide a body?

~ Wondering


Dear Wondering,

Cook it up and feed it to the coyotes. Crush any left over bones. Drive out into the desert in the middle of the night and throw the teeth onto the highway.

~ Juliette




Dear Juliette,

I am a Vampire and the man I love is a Vampire Hunter. Though I know he no longer wishes to kill me and is growing feelings for me, how can we have a normal relationship, when we’re so different? And what’s more, how can we be together when the bonding of humans and Unfortunate Souls is punishable by death? I’m starting to think things will never work out…

~ Unfortunate in Love


Dear Unfortunate in Love,

When dating someone from another culture things can get tricky. Sometimes things that seem charming and different at first end up being annoying. Sometimes the culture clashes can have unwanted and tragic consequences. It is never easy.

Dating a Vampire Hunter is well, to be honest with you, never a good idea. Even living with a normal warm blooded person is problematic.

In my circle/culture it isn’t so cut and dry. We tend to try to stay out of the bedrooms of others. There are Vampire Hunters who are total assholes who can’t see the difference between Vampire groups. You obviously don’t want to get involved with one of them. Then there are the Vampire Hunters who we work with – they do our dirty work for us. They can be nice guys but I’m not sold on trusting any of them. Anyway, either way, oh man, it is a bad idea.

It seems you come from a place where things are a little bit stricter. Death for sleeping with a Vampire Hunter – that is harsh, but I understand why the rule is there.

So where does that leave you? Look at the consequences and what could happen. If you still feel this guy is worth it have an honest conversation with him. Discuss the consequences. Is it worth it? Do you have enough in common, and enough shared dreams to build a future together?

Also discuss if moving is an option for him? Can the two of you go to, say Iceland, or Sacramento, or someplace where it is ok to find love and more diversity. Have you discussed an occupation change with your Vampire Hunter? Maybe he can hunt someone else, or get his MBA and work for a big tech company.

And don’t forget that real human men grow old. His life span is going to be a lot shorter than yours. And as he grows old he will change – and you will not. Can you deal with that?

No matter what choice you make, please be careful. Follow your heart, but don’t go into it blindly.

~ Juliette



Dear Juliette,

I once felt a hand on my shoulder in a house where there was suicide (though there is significant evidence to support a murder). When I turned, there was no one there. I later learned that the place where I was standing was the victim’s favorite place in the house because you could smell the Bougainvillea and honeysuckle through the kitchen window.
Many years later, I was on a Ouija board and was asking about the event. When I asked the spirit to identify itself, it repeatedly gave me the “R….R….R.” The victim’s name was Reid Richard Russell. How can I be sure that the spirit was actually Mr. Russell himself?

~ Mr. N


Dear Mr. N,

That is some pretty creepy stuff.

I went to the source on this one and asked a real ghost about your question. The following is his response.

“It could have been him but it could have been someone else just screwing with you from the other side. Either way it was murder.”

~ Juliette




Dear Juliette,

Do you miss the beach?

~ Sandy


Dear Sandy,

I’m going to assume you mean the ocean beach, specifically in my case the Pacific Ocean, and not a lake or river beach.

Yes. I do miss the beach a great deal. I haven’t been there for almost a year. What the Hell is wrong with me?

The photos below are of my last beach visit at Point Reyes National Seashore. The photos were taken near the lighthouse. I miss the beach. Let’s go.

~ Juliette




Ask A Vampire

Ask A Vampire

Dear Juliette,

I want to become a Vampire in the worst way. How do I make it happen?

~ Still Warm


Dear Still Warm,

I can only compare your request to the plethora of candidates running for president. They have wild hopes and fantasies but few, if any, are truly qualified for the job.

I receive a lot of emails from people wanting to become Vampires. Really. I kid you not.

First of all most Vampires don’t go into this lightly, and a good portion don’t go in willingly.

Think of what you’d give up. Warmth. Sweet Rolls. Possibly your soul.

Reality isn’t what happens in the movies and most books. All Vampire guys aren’t the sexy beasts you see on book covers. Vampire women aren’t all vixens. Think of the fantasy versus reality.

If you think you’re different now imagine being different for centuries. I mean really different. Don’t forget too, that unless you want to be a nasty crypt dwelling Shadow Creeper, you still have to pay taxes, register your car, pay your bills, bring your dog to the vet for yearly shots, and do all of those tasks that are part of modern life. Unless you have unlimited resources there are no castles or dark lavish Queen Ann style Victorian houses for you. Plus the upkeep on those places is never ending.

Most new Vampires have no idea how gross humans really are. Summer is the worst. Just imagine biting into a hot sweaty salty neck. I don’t want to imagine it. Until you get a few trusted regulars in air conditioned surroundings… well, good luck on finding fine dining experiences.

The actual process of changing isn’t that easy either. It is horrible. Sure the pay offs can be great. Ask most of my friends about it. But it is an experience that will haunt your for years, maybe even centuries.

Do you know any Vampires? Have you hung out with them at any length of time? If you don’t already hang with Vampires you might want to seek some out and see if you even like them.

Think of what really attracts you to the idea of changing your biology and becoming an entirely different kind of mutated creature.

Just as an end note, not to kill your dreams and all but, only about ten percent of those who attempt to become Vampires actually make it. Most die. Of those who make it about half lose their souls. Is the risk of becoming an undead soulless creature something you’ve thought about? If you ask the wrong Vampire to change you without checking out your blood type, your physical and mental states, and many other factors you could be majorly screwed. Simple as that. Once you change you can’t go back. Once you’ve lost your soul… well, let’s just say it isn’t good.

~ Juliette


Dear Juliette,

My friend is fifty years old, beautiful, happy, successful, talented and delightful to be around.  I just don’t understand why she has never been married. She has had several long term relationships. Should I suggest a match maker?

~ Best Friend


Dear Best Friend,

I suggest you mind your own business and be happy for your friend. She obviously has make her own choices and like you said, is successful. Be her friend, not her nag.

~ Juliette


If you have a burning question for Juliette send it to juliettevampiremom@gmail dot com, with the words ASK A VAMPIRE in the subject line.


~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman



Things you need to do with your teen

Things you need to do with your teen.

You know right off the bat I’m going to talk about talking with your teen. TALK WITH YOUR TEEN. DO IT. NOW.


fruit bat cutie

Right off the bat…


Movies you need to see with your teen:

Lost Boys

Click on the movie titles above for information about the movie (and so you’ll see the right movie)


Must do things  to do with your teen:

  • Take your teen to a concert. Not something YOU want to see. Not something you THINK will be culturally enriching. Take them to see a band THEY listen to. Go to a smaller venue. Listen to the music before you go. You might like it. You might like it a lot. Click HERE for guidelines. Click HERE too and HERE.

Night Riots at 2015 Warped Tour - Mountain View, CA. Yes, I was there. It was awesome. I am the coolest mom ever.

Night Riots at 2015 Warped Tour – Mountain View, CA. Yes, I was there. It was awesome. I am the coolest mom ever.

  • Take your teen to Van’s Warped Tour. If you’re the parent who buys the ticket you get in free. What a deal. I saw seven bands that I liked. There were dozens more.
Never Shout Never Posters. Go Chris Drew.

Never Shout Never Posters. Go Chris Drew.

  • Take you teen to the an orchestra concert. Even if you don’t have a major Symphony or Philharmonic orchestra in your area, most communities have excellent community groups. Many high schools and colleges have orchestras. Take advantage of this wonderful opportunity and GO. Yes, this is the cultural education. You’ll have fun.
  • Go to the zoo. Zoos aren’t just for little kids.
  • Take your teen to a vintage clothing store and try stuff on – both of you. Boys and girls. Rock the vintage stuff.
  • Tell your teenager a bad joke every single day. Laugh out loud. Pretty soon they’ll be laughing along with you.
  • By the time our children get to high school and college the family pets are ancient senior citizens. Keep the love going but make sure you are there for your kids when the four-legged members of your family move on. It sucks but it seems like most teens live with ancient pets – well-loved ancient pets.
  • Cook with your teen, even if you’re a Vampire. When they get into college their roommates will love them if they can cook. Everyone loves a good cook.
  • Go for walks at least twice a week. It gives you a chance to talk and spend some quiet time together. No phones.
  • Go to a baseball game. Any team will do – professional, high school, college, T-ball. It is all fun.
  • Go roller skating.


Talk to your teen about:

  • Sex (if you aren’t responsible enough to use protection you are not responsible enough to have sex. Sex is normal but just because you are physically able to do it you might not be emotionally ready. High School is a fun time – don’t complicate it with sex. Yes, the conversation is easy. Don’t lecture, just discuss and let them know they can come to you and trust you for good fact based answers)
  • Birth Control (Don’t be silly, cover your Willy. AND ALWAYS use birth control. Even if your kid is not sexually active have this conversation because when they go off to college they WILL become sexually active and they need to know how to be smart about it.)
  • Diet: Eat right. Don’t pack on the pounds with the Starbucks Ultra Thick Carmel Chocolate Mocha Bomb every single day.
  • History: You don’t know where you are going until you know where you’ve been. Talk about your history, your Uncle Duff’s history, George Washington, or anything that has happened before the year your child was born. Tell them about the old days before personal computers and copiers and cable TV. Tell them about MTV when they actually played music. Tell them about seeing The Rolling Stones in concert when Keith Richards was hot (they won’t believe you so you’ll have to show them photos.)

Yes, this is Keith before he died and came back as himself.


Watch silly YouTube videos with your teenager.

I suggest:

  • SMOSH Teleporting Fat Guy
  • Anything with cute animals
  • Famous Rap Battles of History
  • Short horror films
  • Make-up tutorials
  • More cute animals
  • Music your teen likes
  • Music you like


Alright, that should have filled up your brain and your time. I’ll have more later.

What would you add to the list? What do you and the teens in your life do together? Let us know.

Have fun

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman