Dear Juliette (Ask A Vampire): Advice for Everyone

Advice for Everyone

Dear Juliette (Ask A Vampire) is a regular Thursday feature on

These are real questions from real readers. If you need advice or just have an interesting question send it to:


Dear Juliette,

My mother in law is constantly pushing her parenting opinions on me and basically telling me how to raise my children. And while I know she has good intentions, it is becoming overwhelming and putting a strain on my family. Juliette, how would you handle a situation like this?

~ Frustrated Mom


Dear Frustrated Mom,

Nothing is worse than a meddling Mother-in-law and power plays that exist with in-laws.

Let her know that you believe that every family is different with their own flow. You are raising your kids how they need to be raised. Just short of telling Granny to take a chill pill, let her know that a Grandma’s role is to have fun with their grandkids. Your job is to raise those kids. Tell her that you’re doing a great job and your kids are happy. Period.

#1 You need your husband to back you up. He needs to tell his mom that you’re doing great and that your kids are doing great. She needs to hear it from him. She needs to hear it often until she stops giving unwanted advice. You’re his wife and the mother of his children. That means that YOU and your kids are his first priority and you are where his loyalty should be.

And your kids are doing great. Tell her how much they like school, how much they like their friends, how cute they are, and about all of the positive things they do. Don’t give her any negative bits to latch onto.

If it gets to be too much then see less of her. On a personal note: When my kids were small a relative or two tried to give unwanted critical advice. My husband threatened to cut them off completely. It worked. 

If your MIL is saying things to your kids, then your husband needs to tell her to stop NOW. Also have a conservation with your children about any relatives who try to interfere with your family. Let your kids know that every family is different and you do things your own way. Talk to them about how some people can’t help but compare families – and how that doesn’t make sense.

Or do what I’d do and just tell them that Grandma is nuts!

Wishing you the best. Your kids smart and cute and well-adjusted. MIL should be proud of you.

~ Juliette




Dear Juliette,

Do vampires need vaccines, or do they get immunity from their food?

~ Feeling Sharp


Dear Feeling Sharp,

Vampires DO NOT need vaccines. That said, all regular not undead and living humans DO need vaccines. That goes for Werewolves too (and they need their rabies shots and heart worm medications.)

~ Juliette




Dear Juliette,

Is it ok to bite your ex?

~ Hungry


Dear Hungry,

Go for it.

~ Juliette



Dear Juliette,

What is the best way to hide a body?

~ Wondering


Dear Wondering,

Cook it up and feed it to the coyotes. Crush any left over bones. Drive out into the desert in the middle of the night and throw the teeth onto the highway.

~ Juliette




Dear Juliette,

I am a Vampire and the man I love is a Vampire Hunter. Though I know he no longer wishes to kill me and is growing feelings for me, how can we have a normal relationship, when we’re so different? And what’s more, how can we be together when the bonding of humans and Unfortunate Souls is punishable by death? I’m starting to think things will never work out…

~ Unfortunate in Love


Dear Unfortunate in Love,

When dating someone from another culture things can get tricky. Sometimes things that seem charming and different at first end up being annoying. Sometimes the culture clashes can have unwanted and tragic consequences. It is never easy.

Dating a Vampire Hunter is well, to be honest with you, never a good idea. Even living with a normal warm blooded person is problematic.

In my circle/culture it isn’t so cut and dry. We tend to try to stay out of the bedrooms of others. There are Vampire Hunters who are total assholes who can’t see the difference between Vampire groups. You obviously don’t want to get involved with one of them. Then there are the Vampire Hunters who we work with – they do our dirty work for us. They can be nice guys but I’m not sold on trusting any of them. Anyway, either way, oh man, it is a bad idea.

It seems you come from a place where things are a little bit stricter. Death for sleeping with a Vampire Hunter – that is harsh, but I understand why the rule is there.

So where does that leave you? Look at the consequences and what could happen. If you still feel this guy is worth it have an honest conversation with him. Discuss the consequences. Is it worth it? Do you have enough in common, and enough shared dreams to build a future together?

Also discuss if moving is an option for him? Can the two of you go to, say Iceland, or Sacramento, or someplace where it is ok to find love and more diversity. Have you discussed an occupation change with your Vampire Hunter? Maybe he can hunt someone else, or get his MBA and work for a big tech company.

And don’t forget that real human men grow old. His life span is going to be a lot shorter than yours. And as he grows old he will change – and you will not. Can you deal with that?

No matter what choice you make, please be careful. Follow your heart, but don’t go into it blindly.

~ Juliette



Dear Juliette,

I once felt a hand on my shoulder in a house where there was suicide (though there is significant evidence to support a murder). When I turned, there was no one there. I later learned that the place where I was standing was the victim’s favorite place in the house because you could smell the Bougainvillea and honeysuckle through the kitchen window.
Many years later, I was on a Ouija board and was asking about the event. When I asked the spirit to identify itself, it repeatedly gave me the “R….R….R.” The victim’s name was Reid Richard Russell. How can I be sure that the spirit was actually Mr. Russell himself?

~ Mr. N


Dear Mr. N,

That is some pretty creepy stuff.

I went to the source on this one and asked a real ghost about your question. The following is his response.

“It could have been him but it could have been someone else just screwing with you from the other side. Either way it was murder.”

~ Juliette




Dear Juliette,

Do you miss the beach?

~ Sandy


Dear Sandy,

I’m going to assume you mean the ocean beach, specifically in my case the Pacific Ocean, and not a lake or river beach.

Yes. I do miss the beach a great deal. I haven’t been there for almost a year. What the Hell is wrong with me?

The photos below are of my last beach visit at Point Reyes National Seashore. The photos were taken near the lighthouse. I miss the beach. Let’s go.

~ Juliette




12 thoughts on “Dear Juliette (Ask A Vampire): Advice for Everyone

    • I could tell you to find a pig farm, because everyone knows they’ll eat a body, but damned if I know where a pig farm is.

      So many bodies, so many ways to dispose of them. You could cut it up and put it in bags and dump it in various garbage cans around town. Bury it under the crawl space of the house three doors down from you (wait until they’re at work.) BBQ if the weather is nice and invite everyone over, then donate the skull to a drama department doing Hamlet. Make sure you age the skull first. Your local craft store should have some “antique” finishes that are easy to apply.

      You could bury it but make sure you bury it deep. Really deep.

      My best answer, if you don’t want to do it yourself, is to find some creepy friends and have them get rid of it. For a few dollars more they’ll clean up the blood too.

      Or just be super creepy like Juan Peron, have the body preserved, and keep it in your dining room.

  1. Aaawwww. I really enjoyed the questions and your answers. There are a few quite interesting amongst them (and creepy ones too). Even though I have to admit, I’d be careful in blogging about how to get rid of a body… it could hit back to you in a really bad way… *chuckle*

  2. Pingback: Burning Questions? SUBMIT HERE, | Vampire Maman


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