Questions Answered, Advice Dished Out, Just Ask Juliette


Need Advice? Click here for forty five (45) posts with answers to most of your questions about parenting, relationships, love, Vampires, life, and anything you every wondered about.

Welcome to “Ask Juliette” aka “Ask a Vampire” a not so regular semi-regular feature here at

I answer all sorts of questions about life, love, Vampires, parenting, pets, possums, paranormal, wine, cheese, art, and anything else YOU need answers for or help with.

If you have a question leave it in the comment section below or send me an email message at juliettevampiremom @

I will be starting up “Ask Juliette” again as a regular Saturday feature. So send me a question, a problem to be solved, or just something gripping, funny, or odd you want to discuss.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman


Vampire mom


Ask Juliette: The Writing Life, K-Cup Hack, Vampires, Parenting, & More Vampires


Ask Juliette (Ask a Vampire – Advice for anyone) is a semi regular Thursday feature at Vampire Maman. Here you’ll find answers about relationships, parenting, Vampires, and all kinds of lifestyle hacks. Ask me a question and I’ll answer it.


If Vampires live forever why isn’t the world over run with them?

Vampires don’t necessarily live forever. Nobody knows how long we live. Sometimes it seems like forever when it runs into hundreds or thousands of years. Sometimes a Vampire takes a nap and ends up as a pile of dust for no reason. Of course most are killed by Vampire hunters, Van Helsing wannabes, other Vampires, and people who just don’t understand them (nobody expected the Spanish Inquisition).

As for taking over the world…well there just aren’t that many of us. If you get bitten by a Vampire you don’t automatically turn into one. Believe me, if it was that easy none of us would bite anyone. Most of us, at least I’d like to think, don’t take the process of turning someone into one of us lightly. I’m one of the best, rarely killing anyone, but I rarely rarely rarely change anyone over.

2016-04-06 17.26.48

How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

I’m not answering this again. The third time is not a charm, or permission for small burrowing animals to behave badly.



My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year. He believes that if he sleeps with an old girlfriend on a business trip it isn’t cheating. His reasoning is that it is only cheating if he sleeps with someone new. What do you think?

You know what I’m going to tell you, but I guess you just needed someone to say it out loud to you. Dump him.


Why do people say condescending things to writers, or people who are breaking into writing?

Hell, I don’t know. Why do people like to cut other people down? Is it to make themselves feel better because they are superior? Is it because they are worried a loved one will end up homeless and on the street? Are they afraid of broken dreams claiming the soul of their friend? Or are they just an asshole?

Anyone who has been involved in writing, art, dance, music, acting, or anything “creative” knows the sting of rude comments by well-meaning friends, relatives, and strangers. The perception is that you will never get paid, or paid much for what you do, so therefore it has no value. Van Gough, and Freda Kahlo were rarely or never paid for their work. Value is a subjective thing. The hack of an artist Thomas Kincaid made millions off of his formula art, but that doesn’t mean it was good.

Don’t let the assholes get to you. Your work is your work. It is part of you. Nobody can take that away from you. A lot of people make their living from writing and art. Anyone who says otherwise is full of crap.

No matter what you want to do, be it writing, dog training, singing, scientific research, or opening a surf board shop, it is for you to do. There will always be someone who wants to squash your spirit. Don’t listen to them.



What is your favorite K Cup Hack?

Good question. At my house we like to use our own coffee and tea blends, but also like the convince of one of those machines that uses K Cups. A reusable cup just makes sense for both economy, ease of use, and for the environment, but those pesky machine often don’t recognize reusable cups.

My kids were full of woe, but not for long.

So this is my hack. I take a disposable cup (one I’ve already used) and carefully cut the top off of it. I put the disposable top on the top of the reusable cup. And presto, I have coffee. Woo Hoo.

If the disposable top won’t stay in place just put a little bit of peanut butter, cream cheese, or other non toxic substance on it to make it stick. Hey, it works.


Most people think Vampires are scary. As a Vampire what scares you the most?

My children becoming adults. I don’t show it, but it scares the moonlight out of me on so many levels.


The Part Parents Never Hear About! Holy crap. Do parents want to hear about THAT? Fuck.

Why do you use so much bad language?

I don’t know. I can’t help it. I’m a mom. Look at the fucking squirrel.



Why are Vampire guys so hot?

Because when they’re with you they give you their full attention.


lovers kiss

Ask Juliette (Ask a Vampire – Advice for Everyone) is a sort of regular Thursday feature on

If you have a question for next week there are TWO ways of asking.

  1. Post a question in the comments section HERE.
  2. Email me privately at juliettevampiremom @ gmail .com (and remove the extra spaces)

Have fun, be smart, and don’t do anything stupid.

And most of all, talk with your kids, listen to them, and engage them, but without the bad language.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman




Ask Juliette: Relationships, Dogs & Cats, Quantum Physics, Paranormal Activity, and Vampires

Ask Juliette

Welcome to Ask Juliette (Dear Juliette – Ask a Vampire – Advice for Everyone), a regular Thursday feature at

This week I’m trying out a new format. The questions are in BOLD type. The answers are in REGULAR type.  OK, got that? Good. Let’s get started.

Vampire Teen


What does it mean when you break up with a girl because of how she treats you…..and she offers no resistance?

It means that she didn’t take the relationship seriously. Obviously she just didn’t care enough, or she saw it coming. Maybe she was hoping you’d break it off. If she treated you bad then be happy she just left. Nobody needs a stalker or tears. If you wanted to hurt her because of the way she treated you please rethink those feelings. I know it is natural to want her to feel the kind of pain that you did, but it is better to just move on. Any negative emotional ties you keep will only hurt you – not her. I’m not saying to act like it is all good – because it isn’t. This woman obviously hurt you. What a bitch. Just be glad that you made the move, and now you can learn from the experience and move on.


My cat keeps giving me the stink eye. What should I do?

Get over it. That is what cats do.


Do Vampire have a blood pressure? If so do you do that thing…

That thing? Ahhh you’re making me laugh.

Yes, we have blood pressure. Blood doesn’t just sit coagulating in our bodies like so much sewage. And as for “that thing,” yes, male Vampires can and do get erections if they have enough blood in their bodies. Of course if some guy has been in a crypt for a year and is all dried out he isn’t going to sit up and make passionate love to his lady on the graveyard grass. He is going to hunt first THEN make passionate love to his lady. You know, that is just the way it works.



Does sex feel better for Vampires than humans?

Hell yeah.




My boyfriend loves to kiss me in public, but I’m more of a private person. I don’t want to say anything to hurt his feelings, but I’d much rather enjoy his affections behind closed doors. How do I break it to him?

I keep imagining somebody yelling “GET A ROOM.”

Nobody likes to watch somebody else making out in public. A small kiss, hand holding, and walking close is ok. Kissing on a beach while watching a sunset is ok. Kissing in public is not. Who likes to be at an event and end up sitting next to the couple who are making out? Nobody.

You need to tell him that you adore him, but you also need to tell him that kissing in public makes you uncomfortable. That goes for anything that makes you uncomfortable – you need to tell him. If you’re in this relationship for the long-term you need to keep the lines of communication open. Don’t bitch at him or yell at him. Be gentle but direct.  Then have him listen to the song Cold Cold Man by Saint Motel. It says it all.


I recently heard the term succubus. What does that mean? And is it sucky?

Yes it is sucky. A succubus is a female demon who goes to men, usually while they are asleep, and seduces them. Even though they take the form of beautiful women, they’re nasty creatures. Encounters with a succubus poison both the body and the soul. They are what some guys would call “bat shit crazy bitches.”

I’ve several posts about demons, especially concerning my brother Max who deals with nasty horrible things on a daily basis. Look up demons on the search on this blog, or CLICK Here for one example.




My cat goes crazy at night, Juliette. He hisses at the same blank spot in the corner, and I’m beginning to think we have a ghost. If so, how do I get the ghost to leave? It’s upsetting. 

Poor kitty. Yes, cats do see ghosts and sprints. The first thing you need to do is to confront the ghost directly. Tell it firmly, and without fear, to leave your house. Don’t ask it. Just tell it that it is not welcome. This works most times. Seriously, tell that ghost to get the Hell out of your house.

If the cat is alone in the dark leave on a night-light. Play the radio softly in the background. Try making a safe spot for your cat. Kitties love soft plush blankets. Create a bed that is only for your cat, and let him know that space means he is loved.




I would be interested in the anatomy of a Vampire.

Due to time restrictions (on my part) I’ve made a quick diagram from an image I swiped off of the Internet.


All jokes aside, I’m assuming you wish to learn how we suck blood, how we get that blood quickly into our own blood streams, why we are so cold, and why we live so long. Along with that you are also curious about fangs, Vampire conversion, mind control, etc. That is a lot for this column. Give me time and I’ll, maybe, come up with a detailed explanation, with drawings. In the meantime bask in the mystery of it all and use your imagination.


My dog PeeWee talks. Yes, he speaks to me. But he only does it when no one else is around or will refuse to speak on command if I ask to prove to others that I am not crazy. Although he is really cute with big brown eyes and a seemingly happy disposition around others, when we are alone he berates me for any little thing. He is bossy and manipulative too. His deep Barry White voice is mesmerizing and hearing him speak fascinates me. My dilemma is that now he has taken to humping people’s legs when I have visitors and after they leave he laughs and makes fun of people’s reactions to him humping their legs. It’s really mean. How do I make him behave around others; and how can I stop him from being so bossy and manipulative towards me?

No more pig ears or cheese for PeeWee. What a nasty little creature. I could tell you to discuss the situation with him and find out what the root cause of this is. But forget that. Don’t ask him if he is acting out due to some puppy trauma, or if he feels inadequate. The dog is an asshole. Explain to PeeWee that if he does not behave that there will be consequences. Let him know that you will leave him at home when you go out. Also tell him that he will have to go outside or stay in a crate in a back bedroom when you have guests over. Restrict his treats until he learns to show you some respect. As the dog “owner” you are the leader of the pack. Get beyond the voice. You already know what it does to you. The next step is to realize that it is just a voice coming out of a dog – a dog who is a real jerk.

I know I just said not to talk to the beast but… If it makes you feel more comfortable you could have a deep soulful conversation with the dog. Ask him why he is being such a jerk. Listen, but don’t let him try to turn things around. Dogs don’t lie as much as cats do, but they can play the poor me card. Don’t let him do that. Keep the upper hand. If all else fail find a new home for him. No dog should ever feel like a bad boyfriend.

Don’t tell anyone you can hear him talk or they’ll think you’re crazy. I know, dogs (and sometimes cats) pull this kind of crap all the time.




I have the ability bilocate and multilocate by way of quantum mechanics via quantum motion. This basically means that I can be in 2 places at the same time or even in a multiverse, etc. It’s all rather complicated but I have figured out how to do it. Anyway, should I disclose to my loved ones and my boyfriend? I’m afraid they will see me differently or may scare them away. Up until now I have not told anyone. At first they may think I am crazy but when I prove to them my capability it just may scare them. Any advice will be helpful. Thanks.

Remember the album by Firesign Theater: How can you be two places at once when you’re not anywhere at all? OK back to the question.

First a warning. Avoid time travelers because they are almost always sneaky and untrustworthy.

People tend to fear or distrust anyone who is different or out of their realm of possibilities. I’d recommend bringing up the subject first, as in just a conversation. Like, “I read something on ILFS this morning about the ability bilocate and multi locate.” You never know, someone else might also have this ability. Seriously, do you have that family member who always seems to get more done than everyone else? Think about it.

Unfortunately most people will just think you’re weird or nuts if you tell them about your ability. Just keep it to yourself unless you’re sure someone else you are close to can also be two places at once.

I’m glad to hear you didn’t say you have two husbands or something along those lines. You have an amazing gift. Use it wisely.




I’ve asked my girlfriend to marry me three times. Her answer is always “Not now.” What should I do?

She is telling you “not now”  to be nice.  Face the fact that she isn’t going to marry you. Not now, not ever. Not now means never. It is time to move on. You don’t need a reason from her. Don’t torture yourself – just move on. By the way, I think she is seeing someone else.




Does Dracula have a harem of Vampire girls?

No, the fictional character of Dracula, featured in the book Dracula by Bram Stoker (1897), does not have a harem of Vampire girls.  Three beautiful sort of scary Vampire women live with Dracula in his castle. They might be sisters. At least one might be his sister. No matter who they are, these three girls are hot and use their beauty and seductive powers to get, well, you know, blood. Dracula makes them happy by bringing them small children and babies. It is implied that Dracula turned them into Vampires, so let’s just assume that is true, as far as Stoker’s story goes.

One of the women is blonde. The other two have dark hair.

The term “bride” or “harem” is never used in the novel. I believe they’re just roomies. That said, I’m sure Dracula is a player and sleeps around, because, well, he is Dracula so he can do pretty much whatever he wants.


The only time my phone ever rings is when someone wants something from me. People want rides, favors or to offer me work I don’t want. All I want is a little time to myself. Is that too much to ask?

It isn’t too much to ask.

Let your phone go to massage mode. If is an emergency they’ll leave a message. If you’re using a smart phone set a different ringtone for important people you WANT to talk to. Just ignore everybody else. Turn the phone to vibrate.

Just about everyone else will say, “tell them to fuck off,” but unfortunately you might have to see some of these folks later.

You have to be good to yourself. You need your time. Take it.



Ask Juliette is a regular Thursday feature here at

If you have questions about relationships, parenting, Vampires, paranormal stuff, dogs and cats, parlor tricks, or anything else (and I mean anything) just ask, and I’ll do my best to give you an answer. Send all questions to: juliettevampiremom at gmail dot com

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman


Ask Juliette



Dear Juliette (Ask A Vampire): Advice for Everyone

Advice for Everyone

Dear Juliette (Ask A Vampire) is a regular Thursday feature on

These are real questions from real readers. If you need advice or just have an interesting question send it to:


Dear Juliette,

My mother in law is constantly pushing her parenting opinions on me and basically telling me how to raise my children. And while I know she has good intentions, it is becoming overwhelming and putting a strain on my family. Juliette, how would you handle a situation like this?

~ Frustrated Mom


Dear Frustrated Mom,

Nothing is worse than a meddling Mother-in-law and power plays that exist with in-laws.

Let her know that you believe that every family is different with their own flow. You are raising your kids how they need to be raised. Just short of telling Granny to take a chill pill, let her know that a Grandma’s role is to have fun with their grandkids. Your job is to raise those kids. Tell her that you’re doing a great job and your kids are happy. Period.

#1 You need your husband to back you up. He needs to tell his mom that you’re doing great and that your kids are doing great. She needs to hear it from him. She needs to hear it often until she stops giving unwanted advice. You’re his wife and the mother of his children. That means that YOU and your kids are his first priority and you are where his loyalty should be.

And your kids are doing great. Tell her how much they like school, how much they like their friends, how cute they are, and about all of the positive things they do. Don’t give her any negative bits to latch onto.

If it gets to be too much then see less of her. On a personal note: When my kids were small a relative or two tried to give unwanted critical advice. My husband threatened to cut them off completely. It worked. 

If your MIL is saying things to your kids, then your husband needs to tell her to stop NOW. Also have a conservation with your children about any relatives who try to interfere with your family. Let your kids know that every family is different and you do things your own way. Talk to them about how some people can’t help but compare families – and how that doesn’t make sense.

Or do what I’d do and just tell them that Grandma is nuts!

Wishing you the best. Your kids smart and cute and well-adjusted. MIL should be proud of you.

~ Juliette




Dear Juliette,

Do vampires need vaccines, or do they get immunity from their food?

~ Feeling Sharp


Dear Feeling Sharp,

Vampires DO NOT need vaccines. That said, all regular not undead and living humans DO need vaccines. That goes for Werewolves too (and they need their rabies shots and heart worm medications.)

~ Juliette




Dear Juliette,

Is it ok to bite your ex?

~ Hungry


Dear Hungry,

Go for it.

~ Juliette



Dear Juliette,

What is the best way to hide a body?

~ Wondering


Dear Wondering,

Cook it up and feed it to the coyotes. Crush any left over bones. Drive out into the desert in the middle of the night and throw the teeth onto the highway.

~ Juliette




Dear Juliette,

I am a Vampire and the man I love is a Vampire Hunter. Though I know he no longer wishes to kill me and is growing feelings for me, how can we have a normal relationship, when we’re so different? And what’s more, how can we be together when the bonding of humans and Unfortunate Souls is punishable by death? I’m starting to think things will never work out…

~ Unfortunate in Love


Dear Unfortunate in Love,

When dating someone from another culture things can get tricky. Sometimes things that seem charming and different at first end up being annoying. Sometimes the culture clashes can have unwanted and tragic consequences. It is never easy.

Dating a Vampire Hunter is well, to be honest with you, never a good idea. Even living with a normal warm blooded person is problematic.

In my circle/culture it isn’t so cut and dry. We tend to try to stay out of the bedrooms of others. There are Vampire Hunters who are total assholes who can’t see the difference between Vampire groups. You obviously don’t want to get involved with one of them. Then there are the Vampire Hunters who we work with – they do our dirty work for us. They can be nice guys but I’m not sold on trusting any of them. Anyway, either way, oh man, it is a bad idea.

It seems you come from a place where things are a little bit stricter. Death for sleeping with a Vampire Hunter – that is harsh, but I understand why the rule is there.

So where does that leave you? Look at the consequences and what could happen. If you still feel this guy is worth it have an honest conversation with him. Discuss the consequences. Is it worth it? Do you have enough in common, and enough shared dreams to build a future together?

Also discuss if moving is an option for him? Can the two of you go to, say Iceland, or Sacramento, or someplace where it is ok to find love and more diversity. Have you discussed an occupation change with your Vampire Hunter? Maybe he can hunt someone else, or get his MBA and work for a big tech company.

And don’t forget that real human men grow old. His life span is going to be a lot shorter than yours. And as he grows old he will change – and you will not. Can you deal with that?

No matter what choice you make, please be careful. Follow your heart, but don’t go into it blindly.

~ Juliette



Dear Juliette,

I once felt a hand on my shoulder in a house where there was suicide (though there is significant evidence to support a murder). When I turned, there was no one there. I later learned that the place where I was standing was the victim’s favorite place in the house because you could smell the Bougainvillea and honeysuckle through the kitchen window.
Many years later, I was on a Ouija board and was asking about the event. When I asked the spirit to identify itself, it repeatedly gave me the “R….R….R.” The victim’s name was Reid Richard Russell. How can I be sure that the spirit was actually Mr. Russell himself?

~ Mr. N


Dear Mr. N,

That is some pretty creepy stuff.

I went to the source on this one and asked a real ghost about your question. The following is his response.

“It could have been him but it could have been someone else just screwing with you from the other side. Either way it was murder.”

~ Juliette




Dear Juliette,

Do you miss the beach?

~ Sandy


Dear Sandy,

I’m going to assume you mean the ocean beach, specifically in my case the Pacific Ocean, and not a lake or river beach.

Yes. I do miss the beach a great deal. I haven’t been there for almost a year. What the Hell is wrong with me?

The photos below are of my last beach visit at Point Reyes National Seashore. The photos were taken near the lighthouse. I miss the beach. Let’s go.

~ Juliette




Ask A Vampire

Ask A Vampire

Dear Juliette,

I want to become a Vampire in the worst way. How do I make it happen?

~ Still Warm


Dear Still Warm,

I can only compare your request to the plethora of candidates running for president. They have wild hopes and fantasies but few, if any, are truly qualified for the job.

I receive a lot of emails from people wanting to become Vampires. Really. I kid you not.

First of all most Vampires don’t go into this lightly, and a good portion don’t go in willingly.

Think of what you’d give up. Warmth. Sweet Rolls. Possibly your soul.

Reality isn’t what happens in the movies and most books. All Vampire guys aren’t the sexy beasts you see on book covers. Vampire women aren’t all vixens. Think of the fantasy versus reality.

If you think you’re different now imagine being different for centuries. I mean really different. Don’t forget too, that unless you want to be a nasty crypt dwelling Shadow Creeper, you still have to pay taxes, register your car, pay your bills, bring your dog to the vet for yearly shots, and do all of those tasks that are part of modern life. Unless you have unlimited resources there are no castles or dark lavish Queen Ann style Victorian houses for you. Plus the upkeep on those places is never ending.

Most new Vampires have no idea how gross humans really are. Summer is the worst. Just imagine biting into a hot sweaty salty neck. I don’t want to imagine it. Until you get a few trusted regulars in air conditioned surroundings… well, good luck on finding fine dining experiences.

The actual process of changing isn’t that easy either. It is horrible. Sure the pay offs can be great. Ask most of my friends about it. But it is an experience that will haunt your for years, maybe even centuries.

Do you know any Vampires? Have you hung out with them at any length of time? If you don’t already hang with Vampires you might want to seek some out and see if you even like them.

Think of what really attracts you to the idea of changing your biology and becoming an entirely different kind of mutated creature.

Just as an end note, not to kill your dreams and all but, only about ten percent of those who attempt to become Vampires actually make it. Most die. Of those who make it about half lose their souls. Is the risk of becoming an undead soulless creature something you’ve thought about? If you ask the wrong Vampire to change you without checking out your blood type, your physical and mental states, and many other factors you could be majorly screwed. Simple as that. Once you change you can’t go back. Once you’ve lost your soul… well, let’s just say it isn’t good.

~ Juliette


Dear Juliette,

My friend is fifty years old, beautiful, happy, successful, talented and delightful to be around.  I just don’t understand why she has never been married. She has had several long term relationships. Should I suggest a match maker?

~ Best Friend


Dear Best Friend,

I suggest you mind your own business and be happy for your friend. She obviously has make her own choices and like you said, is successful. Be her friend, not her nag.

~ Juliette


If you have a burning question for Juliette send it to juliettevampiremom@gmail dot com, with the words ASK A VAMPIRE in the subject line.


~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman