Ask Juliette: The Writing Life, K-Cup Hack, Vampires, Parenting, & More Vampires


Ask Juliette (Ask a Vampire – Advice for anyone) is a semi regular Thursday feature at Vampire Maman. Here you’ll find answers about relationships, parenting, Vampires, and all kinds of lifestyle hacks. Ask me a question and I’ll answer it.


If Vampires live forever why isn’t the world over run with them?

Vampires don’t necessarily live forever. Nobody knows how long we live. Sometimes it seems like forever when it runs into hundreds or thousands of years. Sometimes a Vampire takes a nap and ends up as a pile of dust for no reason. Of course most are killed by Vampire hunters, Van Helsing wannabes, other Vampires, and people who just don’t understand them (nobody expected the Spanish Inquisition).

As for taking over the world…well there just aren’t that many of us. If you get bitten by a Vampire you don’t automatically turn into one. Believe me, if it was that easy none of us would bite anyone. Most of us, at least I’d like to think, don’t take the process of turning someone into one of us lightly. I’m one of the best, rarely killing anyone, but I rarely rarely rarely change anyone over.

2016-04-06 17.26.48

How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

I’m not answering this again. The third time is not a charm, or permission for small burrowing animals to behave badly.



My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year. He believes that if he sleeps with an old girlfriend on a business trip it isn’t cheating. His reasoning is that it is only cheating if he sleeps with someone new. What do you think?

You know what I’m going to tell you, but I guess you just needed someone to say it out loud to you. Dump him.


Why do people say condescending things to writers, or people who are breaking into writing?

Hell, I don’t know. Why do people like to cut other people down? Is it to make themselves feel better because they are superior? Is it because they are worried a loved one will end up homeless and on the street? Are they afraid of broken dreams claiming the soul of their friend? Or are they just an asshole?

Anyone who has been involved in writing, art, dance, music, acting, or anything “creative” knows the sting of rude comments by well-meaning friends, relatives, and strangers. The perception is that you will never get paid, or paid much for what you do, so therefore it has no value. Van Gough, and Freda Kahlo were rarely or never paid for their work. Value is a subjective thing. The hack of an artist Thomas Kincaid made millions off of his formula art, but that doesn’t mean it was good.

Don’t let the assholes get to you. Your work is your work. It is part of you. Nobody can take that away from you. A lot of people make their living from writing and art. Anyone who says otherwise is full of crap.

No matter what you want to do, be it writing, dog training, singing, scientific research, or opening a surf board shop, it is for you to do. There will always be someone who wants to squash your spirit. Don’t listen to them.



What is your favorite K Cup Hack?

Good question. At my house we like to use our own coffee and tea blends, but also like the convince of one of those machines that uses K Cups. A reusable cup just makes sense for both economy, ease of use, and for the environment, but those pesky machine often don’t recognize reusable cups.

My kids were full of woe, but not for long.

So this is my hack. I take a disposable cup (one I’ve already used) and carefully cut the top off of it. I put the disposable top on the top of the reusable cup. And presto, I have coffee. Woo Hoo.

If the disposable top won’t stay in place just put a little bit of peanut butter, cream cheese, or other non toxic substance on it to make it stick. Hey, it works.


Most people think Vampires are scary. As a Vampire what scares you the most?

My children becoming adults. I don’t show it, but it scares the moonlight out of me on so many levels.


The Part Parents Never Hear About! Holy crap. Do parents want to hear about THAT? Fuck.

Why do you use so much bad language?

I don’t know. I can’t help it. I’m a mom. Look at the fucking squirrel.



Why are Vampire guys so hot?

Because when they’re with you they give you their full attention.


lovers kiss

Ask Juliette (Ask a Vampire – Advice for Everyone) is a sort of regular Thursday feature on

If you have a question for next week there are TWO ways of asking.

  1. Post a question in the comments section HERE.
  2. Email me privately at juliettevampiremom @ gmail .com (and remove the extra spaces)

Have fun, be smart, and don’t do anything stupid.

And most of all, talk with your kids, listen to them, and engage them, but without the bad language.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman




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