Short Story Sunday: Male Bonding

Short Story Sunday: Male Bonding (A Vampire Story)

Hot flashes. Andy’s girlfriend had been having horrible hot flashes. When you date Vampire women you don’t have to worry about that. On the other hand Vampire women were, well, a bit cold. He laughter at his own joke. Damn, there was nothing sexier than a smart middle-aged woman.

Unfortunately Shawna of the Hot Flashes wasn’t at his house this weekend. This was a weekend of male bonding. This was a weekend of cold powerful Vampire testosterone.

Coffee – check. Bacon – check. Cats fed – check. A man screaming…

Was that glass breaking? Someone yelled, “HEY. What the crap?”

Andy ran upstairs to find his nephew Garrett in the hallway. They look at each others with wide eyes and ran together into the bedroom room his other nephew Logan was in.

Wild colors spun around the bed – a crazy halo of nasty creatures with big eyes and transparent wings.

Logan lay on the bed batting his hands at the onslaught.

“Stop. NOW,” yelled Andy.

The creatures stopped mid-air and lined up on the footboard of the bed. They crossed their little legs and smoothed out their skirts. One of them giggled. Andy gave her a death look then she slapped her hand over her mouth and snorted. Then they all started to giggle.

“Damn Fairies.”

The night before they’d gone out to a rave the night before. His sister would kill him for bringing her almost nineteen year old son along but he’d take his chances. The kids needed a night of dancing, booze and blood. Logan, at the ripe old age of twenty-four was an experienced Vampire and officially an adult. Sure, his mom would be pissed off too but Andy really didn’t care. The boys needed to live and be men – Vampire men.

All females had been banned from the house that weekend. Sure it had been tempting to bring a few home last night but Andy had resisted.

Now he stood in front of a line of sixteen giggling little sickening sweet females, with glossimer wings no less.

“Ladies, you need to go,” said Andy.

“Andy, you’re so cute when you’re angry,” said one of the fairies, a lovely vision in a yellow dress.

“Sing us a song Andy,” said the one wearing pink.

“And coffee,” said the one in sparkling white.

“No coffee,” said Andy.

“Coffee,” they all screeched and then swirled around Logan again trying to bite him with their sharp little teeth. Andy and Garrett jumped in trying to knock the fairies away but they continued to bite and scratch.

Andy threw up his hands, “FINE but you have to share cups.”

The fairies stopped and flew downstairs to the kitchen.

Andy looked at his nephews, “I hate fairies.”

“They seem to like you,” said Logan who was inspecting the scratches on his arms.

“Lucky me,” said Andy.

Downstairs they found the fairies drinking coffee out of antique Dresden china cups.

“If any of those cups are broken there will be consequences. Do you understand ladies?”

The fairies scowled at him in unison. Then they demanded bacon and cookies. He didn’t have any cookies so they got apples. Damn fairies.

As the guys settled down for Sunday Football, Andy set the fairies up in his office. They all sat in front of his computer screen yelling in their high little voices, “The Notebook. Play the Notebook.”

It was always The Notebook.

Back in the den with baseball was on Logan looked up at his uncle. “So Andy, what’s the deal with the fairies?”

“I don’t know. They like me. Don’t ask me why.”

So much for being the big macho alpha Vampire male. On the other hand girls liked hanging out with him. His nephews should be so lucky…well, maybe.

Fairy

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 Thank you for visiting and reading my silly story written over a large cup of coffee on a Sunday morning.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Just talking about teens (Boys are Stupid: Part 28)

Girl Child (age 16): I’d hate myself if I was a teenage boy. I am so glad I’m a girl. If you’re a boy you’re expected to act cool, drop F bombs a hundred times a day, say the N word a hundred times a day for no reason because they think they’re cool but they’re a bunch of stupid little boys, you stink all the time, if you get near another guy and give him a bro hug you have to say “No homo.” Boys are so insecure. Then they go home and be perfect little clean mouthed little polite mommy’s boys.

Man Child (age 19): We’re not all like that and the rest grow out of it. Most of us grow out of it.

Girl Child: Sure, you and my guy friends. But the rest of the guys. They’re all a bunch of F boys. They posture like a bunch of monkeys. I feel sorry for you.

As a mom I just listen. Girls swoon over the Man-child. The Girl-child is going to break hearts. They are both going to grow up and realize that they were on the right track – more than either of their parents (or at least more than I was.)

Some of you might be horrified but all kids talk like this, at least the ones I know. They talk about life and love and what they see and hear at school.

Then I watch them both sit in the cool dining room with the shades drawn, working on school work for fall. They’ll laugh together until their sides split, then they’ll study and study and study. I’m not helicopter parent – they do this on their own.

For all parents of young children my advice would be to guide your kids. Talk to them. Encourage them to be curious. Teach them study skills. And let them know that at a certain age that it is on them to work for their future. Let them know that they should be kids, but prepare them to be adults.

Sure they’ll make mistakes. How else can one learn?

I let them speak their minds around me too. I don’t want them ever to be afraid to speak or feel they have to have secrets.

But I swear, being around teens is like a 24/7 comedy club. I have to write this stuff down as they say it, or record it.

Oh well. Just thinking out loud.

So your assignment for this week is to hug your kids, listen to them, laugh with them and love them. And tell them not to be jerks or try not to offend everyone they see. It isn’t cool. It is just stupid.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

Our Own Sweet Shirley

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Once upon a time a little girl named Rose found her idol Shirley Temple underneath the Christmas Tree. It was the 1930’s and Shirley was an expensive and unexpected surprise. They were always together until a few years ago when Rose passed away. She left Shirley to my daughter.

We will always treasure the memories of Shirley Temple and of Rose. And we will always treasure our own sweet Shirley.

~ Juliette

 

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Boy talk

It’s Friday night and the girl child said she doesn’t want to skate, as usual, tonight because “all of the drama”. Everyone including most of her best friends will be there but you know, part of growing up is beings tire enough to take a break from it all (all the drama)

The conversation ended up as a study on Middle School boys.

According to my 13 year old expert boys are clueless.

I told her to give the boys a break because they’re so confused by their feelings and the scary mysterious creatures called GIRLS that they don’t know how to react.

Yesterday they knew they liked video games and trucks and Slurpees. They knew why they liked those things. Life was easy. Then they started to like girls and they didn’t know why.

Girls were a complete mystery. Girls they’d know since kindergarten suddenly were tall with breasts and long blonde hair (the kind a guy wants to touch). Girls are smart and they travel in packs. A boy thinks “I know why I love Slurpees but I don’t know why I like girls”.

Then the girl child speaks of skinny arms, cracking voices and general clueless behavior.

According to the expert boys like the wrong girls, they are clueless and a few are actually cute. There is hope. High School will be better.

She rolls her eyes at her girl crazy older brother the romantic. Yes, there will be a string of broken hearts – even for the Vampire boys.

Happy Friday,
Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Do it like you’re screaming out the truck window

Reposted from May 2012

Even vampire kids have sports and one of ours is roller skating. Not Roller Derby, but Artistic Roller Skating on FOUR wheels. An awesome sport if there ever was one. I strongly feel that both Speed and Artistic Roller skating should be in the Olympics.

This past weekend was the BIG Memorial Day Skate Meet for the Artistic Skate Club.

Anyway, my 12 year old daughter had some stiff competition. It was an eye opener for her. But for the “Figures” events she received several medals including 2 first place awards.. Very nice. Then came Dance. When she saw who she was up against she was in a panic. These girls are good. Scary good. National Champion good. But not really. She knew what she had to do.

Needless to say she blew it. She went out there like a wet noodle and totally bombed. She was angry and upset and sulked for a while. Then Steve talked her into some food. A few of the old timers gave her pep talks. I told her “35,000 girls are in the B event (about 30). You’re in the A event so there are 5 of you because nobody else can do what you do. You are still one of the best.” Right, like that was going to help. She knew she bombed.

A little background…everyone at the skate rink thinks my child is a quiet reserved and somewhat serious girl. They don’t know about her other life (she is like her mom in that way). At school, at home, with friends…she is LOUD, funny and nonstop – the girl we all know.

The next event was Creative Dance. Her practice has been so-so. The music was some version of Bandstand (Dick Clark) and Brian Stezer’s Sleep Walk then it transitioned into Brian Setzer’s This Cat’s On A Hot Tin Roof. She was in a black & white poka dotted dress, white gloves, cute as a button.

She was feeling pretty awful at that point knowing she’d blow it. The competition was fierce. Also, this was the first time she’d done this at a competition. From what I was at practice she was not ready at all. It was sort of sad.

Take it all back a week.

Last Friday here was a Middle School field trip to Great America in Santa Clara (Physics Day). I volunteered to go. Oh boy. My group was the cute smart well behaved 8th grade boys (the ones we would have had crushes on too at that age). It was a lot of fun, but the drive was long (almost 4 hours home).. I took C and two of her best girl friends in our truck. Of course on the way home we were stuck in Friday rush hour traffic through the South Bay Area. The girls were making faces and yelling (monster noises not words) out the window. I told them to stop but I was laughing too. Then they started to sing along to the radio in odd accents and talk about all sorts of funny things. It was a riot.

Anyway…

Before my child went on for Creative Dance I said

“Do it like you’re screaming out the truck window.”

Nobody else knew what I meant by that, but my daughter did. She went out on the floor and took the house down. She was AMAZING. It was the best performance she ever had. Now she has to learn more fancy footwork to make it rock at the Regional Championships.

But the real moral of this story is to always “Do it like you’re  screaming out the truck window”.  Always.

For more information on Roller Sports see: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/USA_Roller_Sports

Vampires in Popular Culture – What DO they think of us?

Vampire Diaries, Twilight, Dark Shadows….the list goes on and on of stuff our kids have to deal with.

My 7th grade daughter asked “What did everyone think of vampires when you were my age?”

I showed her.

We had a good laugh over that one.

The point is – don’t stress over the small stuff with your kids. Let them know that popular fiction is just that – popular FICTION.

Have a good week everyone and don’t forget the “Vampire Teen – First Encounters Parent Workshops” on Wednesday.

~ Juliette