If my husband took off his glasses and then put on tights and a cape, and changed the part in his hair I would still know it was him.

If while doing a late night walk-of-shame I lost my shoe, I wouldn’t want the guy who can’t seem to remember my face to go looking for me. Dude you need to sober up and face reality.

It is exceptionally creepy if you’re asleep and a stranger stumbles by and kisses you.

If you try to kill a 60 foot long animal while sitting in a small wooden boat accept the consequences.

Politicians are not allowed in my house, especially at the dining table.

Having an affair with a brooding photographer while your husband and kids are out of town is not cool or romantic.

Vampires who let blood drip down their chins are the same as regular people with exceptionally bad table manners.

Baby goats will always be cute.

Characters who don’t talk to each other and are constantly confused by the obvious don’t make for a good story.

njgv is what the cat just wrote while walking over the keyboard.

Stay safe. Stay warm. Wear a mask. Get vaccinated if you are able to. Talk to your kids. Be kind. Check in on those who might be alone or need extra help.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Short Story Sunday: Driving Home With Superheroes

For some reason graduate students seemed to be decades ahead of undergraduate students, especially freshmen and sophomores. At the ripe old age of twenty three Randy had discovered that the first day of school.

He’d also discovered a small following of younger Vampires who looked up to him like they would their favorite ancient Vampire Uncle.

They also liked Randy because he was unique and exceptionally hip and trendy in his vintage clothing and wavy longish blonde hair.

Before he left home after Christmas break, wearing his favorite Levi big bells, a Heart concert shirt from 1979, and a vintage fringed leather jacket, his dad called him “Fucking Flowers.”

Randy asked what that was all about. His dad laughed and told him that now he was an adult he needed to read John Sanford books starting from the beginning and work his way up to the Virgil Flower books. Randy made a note of it and a plan to stop by the bookstore when he got home.

Being the nice guy he was, Randy had volunteered to give three young Vampire students a ride from Sacramento back to Long Beach. Two, Josh and Winslow were Freshmen. Katie was a sophomore. They’d all packed their clothes, Christmas stash, care packages from their moms, and other gear in the back of Randy’s 2012 Range Rover and headed south an hour before the sun came up.

Randy decided to impart a bit of his wisdom upon the younger minds. “Being a good Vampire is like being a good parent. You must stay relivant. You can’t get behind or you’ll be left behind.”

“I think we need to be like superheroes,” said Winslow, a dark haired young Vampire with bright blue eyes and friendly round face.

“Superheroes? Whys that?” asked Randy.

“You know, because we can do things other people can’t do. Like see in the dark, and make people forget shit, and we’re super quiet, and shit,” said Winslow.

Randy turned down the radio. “The only super hero Vampire that I can think of is Morbius. He was kind of an asshole and not even a real Vampire. Come on guys, you can do better than that. You don’t need a superhero. You just need to be yourself. You already rock at being Vampires. Come on leave the tights to Katie. Girl you rock the tights with those boots.”

“Thanks,” said Katie. She was a small girl with brown hair and freckles. Nobody would ever pick her out for being a Vampire. “I got the tights for Christmas from my grandma. Just like what you said about being relevant. My grandma is relevant. She knows what I like.”

Randy smiled. “If I was a girl I’d wear tights all the time but it has nothing to do with being a superhero.”

“We were thinking about getting some costumes made,” said Josh, a tall kid who spent a lot of time at the gym.

“Dude, you don’t need costumes. Just wear black and jeans that fit. You’re already rocking it. I know you. You don’t need to pretend. You’re already living the secret life. You don’t need to make it more complicated with daytime cosplay. You’re already superheroes.”

As they drove on the subject changed to music, favorite podcasts, dog beach stories, and spilling the tea.

Being a Vampire in the modern world carried certain responsibilities including the usual truth, justice and all of that good stuff. They didn’t need tights or capes. They just needed to keep their mouths shut and do the right thing. That was all anyone could do.

Yes, being a graduate student included being a role model, especially if you were a role model for young Vampires, or anyone else who was just a little bit different, or a little bit confused about growing up and finding their place in the world.

Maybe a trip to the vintage clothing store was in order when they got home. Randy would take all of them. They could find costumes that they could live with. The thought made Randy smile. Fashion was his superpower. That was cool with him.

~ end


Tangled Tales




Answers about Vampires – Summer Edition

Got a question about Vampires? I have some answers.

  • Because Vampire men refuse to wear spandex bodysuits.
  • Let me put it this way…they won’t shave or wax their body hair to wear spandex. Plus (if you’re a prude leave now) can you imagine finding your hot Vampire Super Hero and trying to get him out of tights in a sexy way. It isn’t going to happen.
  • Because Vampire women won’t let them (this can be the answer for almost all questions about Vampires.)
  • Yes, we do buy sunscreen by the gallon.
  • Yes, we all swim.
  • Well, no we don’t always wear swim suits because it is usually dark. Why do you ask?
  • The six California universities with the most Vampire students are: Stanford, UCB, UCLA, CSUS, UCSC and UCSB. No, I won’t tell you where my son is applying (that is another blog post because this is the summer of college applications. Oh boy,)
  • No, I can’t tell you that.
  • Yes, I know the answer but I won’t tell you.
  • NO.
  • No, we don’t turn to dust without air conditioning.
  • Why yes, I do believe a Vampire would make a good Starfleet Captain. Really. I’m not joking around here
  • No, it was Keseberg. None of us were there. But my Dad met Keseberg a few years later and said he could tell the man had murdered for human flesh and then for the sheer joy of it.
  • Yes, we do wear masks from time to time but only at fancy parties. And yes, there are a lot of fancy parties.
  • It is as easy and painless as a kiss – that is if you do it right.
  • A kiss is never painless unless you break a heart or kiss the wrong person.
  • My fingernails are not black unless I paint them that way or slam them in the door.
  • Yes, when we find a mate we stay with them forever. That is why a lot of us never marry.
  • Because they would kill us.
  • Stop asking.
  • Synthetic blood? I don’t think so. On the other hand, who doesn’t like that bright orange artificial cheese flavor?
  • Yes, like I said before, Vampires swim. Of course we swim. You can swim but you can’t hide!
  • Favorite summer shows? AGT, Copper, Next Food TV Star, Burn Notice…and movies and of course Oddities. You gotta love Oddities. Vampires love movies but we like just about everything. Just like Regular Humans. No accounting for taste but who gives a rip.
  • So people won’t know we’re Vampires. And no they don’t have to be yellow, but yellow is fun.
  • No, only in bad British Vampire movies. Yes, I’m sure on that one. Absolutely sure.
  • There are more Vampire Hunters during the summer because the pansy ass woosie boys are afraid of the fog. Go figure.

Have fun and stay curious.

Juliette aka Vampire Maman

I love summer. Especially spending time in my night garden!

I love summer. Especially spending time in my night garden!

For more questions about Vampires answered click here and here and here.
And the answer will always be NO.

Fights and Tights Don’t Mix!!!! A Vampire’s Advice to Superheroes.

My kids are always asking me “Why do Superheros dress in tights and masks? Why can’t they just be themselves?”

Interesting coming from Vampire teens, but they do have a point.

Dear Superhero,
Why do you wear tights and capes and masks? Isn’t that sort of uncomfortable and really impractical? My kids need an answer.

Love, Juliette

We have all have a great time with the big crop of Superhero movies out in the past couple of years. Are you kidding – who doesn’t like Ironman? But then again, unlike other superheros Ironman doesn’t pretend to be somebody else.

Come on guys…Why the tights? Why the capes? Why the masks?

The only time we dress funny (Vampires) is on Halloween. Do you honestly think my Vampire husband will trade in jeans and a comfy shirt while watching the World Series (Go Giants) for tails and a red lined cape? Give me a break. I don’t even think either my husband or I have ever even owned a red lined cape.


Tights and Fights Don’t Mix

My daughter is in skating and we know how expensive good tights are and how easy it is to rip them. Even a small fall can completely ruin a good pair of tights. It just makes common sense. And believe me, most GUYS don’t want to be wearing tights of any kind, much less capes and masks.

Free yourself Superheros – we don’t care who you are or that you have day jobs.

We all wear a lot of hats. Wearing a lot of hats is part of modern life.

Most people I know have no idea I’m a Vampire – but I don’t dress funny when I go out for a hunt. That would be just too silly.

Vampires, Werewolves and others have to hide who we are for obvious reasons – survival being the main reason. But a Superhero? People love them. They don’t need to hide.
I guess that’s why the real heroes don’t wear masks except for safety and sometimes wear uniforms, but they don’t need to hide who they really are. I guess that’s why they’re heroes.