Ask Juliette: Your Child’s Reputation, Man-Children, and Vampire Midlife Crisis

Welcome to Ask Juliette (Ask A Vampire) – a Regular Feature here at
This week we’ll discuss what to do if your child gets mixed up with a crappy kid, dating a man who still sleeps in his childhood bedroom, and Vampire woes. If you have a questions, about anything, leave a comment here, or email me at juliettevampiremom at gmail dot com.

Q: My ten year old son started hanging out with one of the class trouble makers (Willie.) Willie is disruptive in class, and doesn’t do well in school. Willie’s parents play the blame game and are always at school threatening to sue. Basically Willie is a spoiled brat. Last week my son got into trouble while playing with Willie and was almost suspended. Willie’s parents said, “boys will be boys” but I’m not sure. When Willie cries to the teachers when he is not included in play so my son feels he is in a bind. Willie also lies about other kids when they won’t play with him. How can I keep my good boy away from the bad boy?

A: You need to sit down with your child and have one of those talks. This time it will be about responsibility and reputation.

Your child needs to learn that he is responsible for his own actions. He can make the choice NOT to play with Willie. If the adults at the school say otherwise you need to have a FIRM talk with them. Teachers and administrators need to know that Willie is a bully and you will not allow your child to play with him. Your son should be nice and polite but he can’t be forced to play with Willie unless it is a group activity with the class. Start keeping a record of times Willie has bothered your child.

If the teacher will do nothing see if your kid can be transferred to another class. I know it doesn’t seem fair, but sometimes that is the only option.

I’ve never understood why schools protect trouble makers and bullies at the expense of other children. It might be because their parents are always at the school trying to make excuses and even threatening the school. I will never understand that.

Then talk to your son about REPUTATION. Once a person loses their good reputation it is almost impossible to get it back. I had this talk with my own children. They need to know that if they make poor choices that everyone else will now expect them to ALWAYS make poor choices. It is just how things are.

As a parent you CAN and NEED TO monitor who your kids hang out with and who their friends are. Remember this – your child can’t bring someone up. Bad kids can only bring your child DOWN. I know that sounds harsh but it is the way things are. YOU are the PARENT. It is your job to guide your child and teach him to make GOOD choices.


Q: I started dating a guy. He is super nice, cute, and looks good on paper. The problem is that his bedroom is decked out in red and gold. I’m not talking satin sheets. These are the colors of his favorite team. The walls are covered with posters. The lampshades are football helmets. The bed is a single bed with a plain red think cotton bed spread with football shaped pillows. He mentioned his mom and grandma helped him out with it. This would be a fun room for a twelve year old, but not for a thirty year old. The football decor also creeps into the kitchen and living room of his apartment. I had sex with him once in his bedroom. It wasn’t what I’d call great because I felt like his mother was going to walk in on us any minute, and well, it was a twin bed. I over reacting because I want to be involved with an adult man? Or should I just see this as an opportunity to take him on a field trip to Ikea?

A: If he passes up on the Ikea field trip (even Target or Home Goods would be a nice start) you need to have a heart to heart talk to him. If living with Joe Montana is a deal breaker then maybe you’d better change your game and move on.

The future of living with anything you hate will cause more stress than you can ever imagine (be it a relative, a decorating style, ugly dishes, a bad dog, or a group of shitty immature friends, or whatever.) Sure he could display a few prized football items, but if you don’t want to “score” in the red and gold bedroom with him anymore I don’t blame you.

Q: What do I have to do to turn into a Vampire?

A: Nothing because it isn’t going to happen.

Q: How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

A: Stop asking me that.

Q: Is there such a thing as a Vampire Midlife Crisis? My friend Tim keeps wanting to do things like go back to high school or college so we can pick up on unsuspecting girls. Going to a college bar is one thing, but going to class and pretending we’re fresh out of high school is just too predatory and creepy for me. I told Tim that we’re both over two hundred years old – too old for this shit. What do you think?

A: I think you’re too old for that shit. Remember, you’re Vampires, which means you can have more fun than any human is ever allowed without being creepy or predatory.


Well, I hope I answered all of your questions for this week. Ask Juliette is a semi-regular feature here at

If you have a question about ANYTHING leave it in the comments here OR email me at juliettevampiremom at gmail dot com.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman









Ask Juliette: Stupid Vampire Questions

Dear Juliette – Ask a Vampire – Advice for Everyone

Dear Readers,

I frequently get messages from readers asking me to do one of the following:

  • Turn them into a Vampire.
  • Tell them how I would turn someone else into a Vampire.
  • Or if I could point them in the direction of someone who would turn them into a Vampire.

This line of questioning puts me in an awkward position. Like explicit sex, and my personal religious beliefs,  I tend to avoid discussing the whole conversion process.

There are times when I do discuss it in context of a blog post, especially when I’m discussing helping someone who has just become a Vampire, but don’t expect details of the actual process. It isn’t something I discuss in public.

~ Juliette



Dear Juliette,

If I become a Vampire when I’m seventeen can I go to high school forever?

~ Endless Youth


Dear Endless Youth,

That would be exceptionally creepy. The Modern Vampire community looks down on that kind of behavior.

~ Juliette



Dear Juliette,

What is your favorite Vampire movie?

~ Film Boy


Dear Film Boy,

I’m not a big fan of Vampire movies, but I love “What We Do In The Shadows.” I absolutely love this movie.

~ Juliette


Dear Juliette,

Would you introduce me to your brother Max or Vlad the Vampire King. I think they’re both HOT.

~ Hot blooded Chick


Dear Hot Blooded,


~ Juliette



OK, this was a throw away week of questions.

As Juliette is a regular Thursday Feature on Vampire Maman.

If you have a burning question about parenting, relationships, gardening, paranormal stuff, cats, life, the universe, and everything, or anything else, send your questions to juliettevampiremom (at) gmail (dot com).


~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman


Vampire Teen



Burning Questions? SUBMIT HERE.

I don’t really mean questions about burning as in trash, campfires, and pork chops.  I mean questions that MUST be answered.

Do you have any burning parenting, relationship, vampire or general paranormal questions? Do you have other non math related questions?

If so then ASK JULIETTE (ASK A VAMPIRE) Advice for Everyone.

My advice column is featured HERE on the blog Vampire Maman every Thursday. Click HERE to check out last week’s post.

This is FREE advice for EVERYONE! Yes, you too!

I might even add some of Teddy’s cocktails if you ask.

So far for this week I have a question about bats  and a question about embracing the night. I’m open for more.

Either post them here or email me at


~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Don’t try to make your lover something they’re not…just don’t do it.

Love hits with



A love that would last


But he didn’t get it.

She didn’t want

to become

A Vampire.

OK Vampire guys and girls listen up. This is the risk you take when you meet someone and they aren’t like us.

The consequences of changing someone isn’t pretty.

A. They could die (90% do die)

B. They will hate you forever (Ask my husband about that. He didn’t choose this life.)

C. It is against the rules.

D. There are rules and if you break them there are consequences.

E. You don’t want to go there.

Over a glass of wine a friend of mine, a regular modern woman told me, a modern Vampire, about her long time on and off again fire and ice romance with a Vampire.  She broke it off. He was heart broken. He’ll get over it. Vampires brood unlike anybody else. It is pathetic how Vampires men brood, but he’ll get over it.

So girls, if you’re a regular human girl, stay away from Vampire boys. You’ll just break their hearts. And they’ll brood and we’ll have to be the ones to deal with the aftermath. Believe me, I have four Vampire brothers and a son. I know.

Regular human boys boys, stay away from Vampire girls, unless you want to deal with their fathers. Vampire dads are 100 times worse than regular human dads. Vampire girls are a lot of fun but don’t fall in love with them. Plus Vampire girls WILL break your heart for sure and they’ll break it bad.

Oh well.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman