I am plagued by the attentions of silly teenaged girls. How can I explain to them that I only look young?
They tell me I’m cute and hot. I don’t understand.
How do they know I’m a Vampire?
A cat has moved into my house. It expects things from me. I’m not sure what to do.
If the cat is cute and I am cute…I’m confused.
After a night of debauchery and blood I arrived home to find the cat waiting for me. It demanded food. I don’t understand modern cats.
After 500 years I found my wife. She no longer acknowledges our union. She thinks I’m dead. At 650 years she is still beautiful. I saw her with another Vampire. He wore plaid. I think he might be a Scott but maybe not. Everyone wears plaid. Everything is cute or hot.
I don’t understand.
I went for a walk in the woods tonight, followed by a band of giggling young girls. I don’t understand how they can know what I am. It must be a genetic mutation on their part. They should fear me. Now they want to date me. For God’s sake I’m almost 700 years old. What would we talk about?
My decision to come out into the light and into the world has been difficult. I was once a Vampire Prince. I am still a Vampire Prince.
Why is everyone wearing plaid?
My cat is hungry again. Then she will want to go outside, and inside, and outside, and inside, and outside, and inside. I don’t understand.