For the past week the days have brought hellish heat. I am a Vampire so I know what hellish is.
For three hundred years I was trapped in a crypt, only to come out five years ago. I had no idea my friends would transport me to such a place where the air is hot enough to cook eggs upon the sidewalk. It is what is called triple digits. This is all new to me. The thermometer was invented a few years after I was locked away. Sometimes it seems as though everything was invented after I was trapped away.
Where I have come to reside is considered paradise except now on the brink of summer. There shall now be months of such blistering and ungodly heat. This is no place for a Vampire.
My Vampire love Gillian and my friend from my childhood Randolpho were at my home today with gifts. Gillian presented me with shoes. She said they were shoes. I had my doubts.
“You expect me to wear these things?” I asked her that as I reluctantly took the objects from her hands.
“It’s too hot for closed toes shoes,” she said.
“But then do those in charge, politicians as you call them, wear flip flops?”
“No. At least not while they’re working,” said Randolpho.
I put the odd looking shoes on the table. “Then why do people say they flip flop. Are they on the ground like a fish out of water? Do they have medical conditions to be addressed?”
“Flip flop also means someone is changing their mind. The shoes are called flip flops because of the sound they make when you walk in them,” said Randolpho.
“Like a fish out of water,” I said.
“Sort of,” said Randolpho.
I could not imagine putting something between my toes and expecting it to stay on my feet. Then Gillian took out a pair of shoes made of straps and something that looked like leather but was not leather.
“What is this?” I asked. “You want me to wear sandals like a Roman or those people you who were once called beatniks. I know what a beatnik is.”
“These are Tevas. They’re waterproof and comfortable. You can walk in water with them,” said Gillian.
“Why would I want to do that?” I asked.
“I don’t know. If we go to the lake and you don’t want to step on rocks…” Gillian started to say.
“I do not go into the water out of doors,” I reminded her.
“If it’s hot we can for for night swims,” she said.
“I do not go into the water,” I said again.
“Why? It’s not like you’re going to shrink,” said Randolpho.
“I do not understand. Why would I shrink?”
“It’s a joke,” said Randolpho. Everything with him is a joke.
I said nothing. I would not ask the to explain it to me. It is frustrating to be thrust into fashions and ideas about entertainment that are completely foreign to me.
“Why don’t you like the water?” Gillian asked.
“I never learned to swim,” I said.
Both of my friends stood in silence as if I’d told them that I never learned to ride a horse.
“I will wear the flip flops today if that will make you happy.”
“You can’t swim?” Randolph said with a strange look on his face as if in pain.
“No,” I said.
“Vlad, you’re a Vampire. You’re the Vampire King,” said Randolpho
“I am aware of that fact,” I said.
Gillian put a pretty hand on my shoulder. “In 676 years you never learned to swim?”
“No, I never learned to swim. There was no reason for me to ever swim. Do either of you ever remember me swimming?”
Randolpho smiled. “Wait, you’re telling me that with your body, and your face you never had the inclination to come out of the water, with your gorgeous well muscled body wet, glistening in the moonlight, your golden hair slicked back, your blue eyes shining, and just a hint of fang in your come hither smile, while your admirers swooned at the sight of you?”
“That never once crossed my mind Randolpho. Never once,” I said.
For the rest of the day I wore the flip flops. I did not fall or trip as I expected to. I would rather go barefoot but I did not.
Randolpho told me today that if I wear flip flops on my feet nobody will suspect I am a Vampire. I told him that I appreciated the sage information. He told me not to be sarcastic.
My cats do not like to swim. They are reasonable creatures. Why should I be expected to swim for I am also a reasonable creature.
Today it was hotter than Hell, or so I was told. Gillian complained that she did not like this weather because necks would be hot and sweaty and taste like dirty salt. She pulled a packet of some sort out of her purse. She said they were called wipes.
“Take these to wipe off necks next time you go out to feed,” she told me. I appreciate her concern.
That night the air continued to be hot. Gillian led me up to the bathroom with the large shower and undressed me. Then we both stood under the cold water.
“You remind me of Randolpho’s description the other day,” she said as she ran her hands over my wet body.
In this new modern world there are things which will always confuse me, but then again there are things which will always come naturally without effort.
I said nothing as I kissed her, and banished the thoughts of Randolpho from my mind.
~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman