Dear Juliette: Advice on Long Distance Relationships, Cats, and Everyone Else

From time to time I’m asked to give advice on personal problems, answer general questions, give my opinion, or ponder over something and share it with my readers. So let’s get started on today’s questions.

Dear Madame Vamp,

I have come to seek your guidance in a matter that troubles not only myself, but my boyfriend as well.

Recently, the two of us have been torn apart by the claws of geography and work. He lives in San Francisco and I, New York. While we have a very close relationship, we are unable to fulfil our more carnal desires (sex). 

What is, in your spectral wisdom, the best way to keep things spicy between us?

By the way, he is a man made out of blood.



Dear Helen,

I’m sorry you have to deal with such a long long distance separation. Not only are the miles more than just a 4-6 hour driving distance, but the time zones aren’t helping either.

Long distance relationships are always a challenge, especially if they didn’t start out that way. Sex in long distance relationships is always tricky. Just like in “real life” you have to consider the comfort level of your partner. 

Is he a show off? Is he down and dirty, or more of a romantic? Somewhere in between? Does he have any hang ups you need to consider? Is he more reserved than you or more adventurous? Don’t ask him to do anything he isn’t comfortable with, and don’t let him talk you into anything that is outside of your comfort zone.

Below are just a few suggestions:

In the old days we wrote letters so hot I’m surprised the paper didn’t explode in flames. That is always an option. Try writing a letter – something he can read over and over and over.

Fortunately there are a lot more options these days with smart phones, Zoom, toys, and other modern technologies at your disposal. 

Or you could start that serious talk and figure out long term what you really really really want? Do you want to stay long distance forever? Do you have plans to eventually end up in the same city? If you were San Francisco and Los Angeles, Sacramento, Las Vegas, or Seattle my answer would be different. You can easily drive to any of those locations in a few hours or get a cheap flight. Maybe as long as you’re checking into the most interesting solo sex toys you might check with a head hunter. 

Are you in love – and I mean build a life together. Do you want to buy a house, grow old together (even if you’re Vampires), have kids, go to the shelter adopt a cat or two, and have dinner parties with vegetables you grew in your own back yard life together. Do you want to spend nights in the emergency room when one of you is sick or injured, or is it ok for your partner to call someone else or take an Lyft ride to the hospital? Do you want to have someone to help you find your glasses, and then clean them for you? How about waking up in the morning to find out your man has ironed your favorite blouse for you? Or just on a whim walking down to the river and watching the sunset together or staying up all night together to watch the sunrise?

It is those everyday little things that can be so sexy, like the way he rolls up his sleeves, or the way his hair falls on the nape of his neck, or that quick laugh while you make dinner together, or the way he puts his hand on the small of your back when you’re out in public or at a party (making everyone else swoon at what a beautiful couple you are).

That’s what I have today. I could get really down and dirty nasty and well, pornographic in my answer about spicing things up, but do me a favor and think of the long term. As you know, with Vampires everything is long term.

~ J

Dear Juliette,

I used to hate everyone. I just hated people in general. Couldn’t stand them. Now I don’t hate everyone. Maybe I just don’t care. I just don’t have the energy for it anymore. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?


Dear DGAS.

I’m going to assume DGAS means “Don’t Give A Shit.”

I usually give the answer “it isn’t a good thing or a bad thing, It is just a thing.” In this case though I think it might be a good thing. Hate takes a lot out of a person. Now go have fun.

~ J

Dear Juliette,

I just started dating a woman. She is beautiful and smart. We get along great. She is smart, independent, and my friends like her. She is perfect in every way. There is one problem…she doesn’t like my cats. 

I have two cats. Boris is 10, and Corky is 2. I love my cats. My girlfriend wants me to get rid of them. She even told me she was going to take them to a shelter if they weren’t gone by the time she move in next month. What should I do?

~ Cat Dad

Dear Cat Dad,

Dump the girlfriend. You will NEVER be happy with her. She is not perfect. She sounds horrible. She is a bitch. Never trust a woman who doesn’t like cats. When you adopted your cats it was forever. Your girlfriend needs to be re-homed but not with you.

And NOBODY ever writes romantic song about women who ask men to give up their cats.

~ Juliette

Take it or leave it, that is what I have to say today. Feel free to leave comments below. If you want to send me a question leave it below or email me at juliettevampiremom @ gmail dot com.

And no I will not turn you into a Vampire.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

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