Ask Juliette: Unexpected and Exceptionally Fun Play List, and What’s Coming in December

Ask Juliette (Ask a Vampire, Advice for Everyone) is a regular feature on

If you have a burning question about parenting, Vampires, relationships, or just about anything just ask and I’ll answer. Leave a question here or email me at juliettevampire @

Ask Juliette

My boyfriend likes new and unusual music. Do you have a fun playlist I can share with him? We both like metal and punk/pop.

Here is a list of cover songs by metal, punk and punk/pop groups you might enjoy.

Panic! at the Disco: This is Halloween

Of Mice and Men: Poker Face

Joey Ramone: What A Wonderful World

Smithereens: Want to Hold Your Hand

Pat Boon: Enter Sandman (This is so freaking weird and sort of horrible but you gotta love it in a really sick and twisted way. Awww man this is bad.)

Panic! at the Disco: White Christmas


My Chemical Romance: All I Want for Christmas is You

Johnny Cash: Hurt

Disturbed The Sound of Silence


Hey Juliette, are you going to post all of your Vampire Christmas stories? Are you going to post any new Vampire Christmas stories as well? And how about those Vampire Christmas songs?

Yes, absolutely. Keep checking back over the next month for all of your favorites, including The Travelers. December is a fun time at


victorian christmas

Today’s Ask Juliette was sort and sweet. Keep those questions coming. You ask and I’ll answer. Thanks to everyone for dropping by.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman





Ask Juliette: Motivation for College Bound Teens, Swamp Apes, and New Books

Ask Juliette (Ask a Vampire – Advice for Everyone) is a regular Thursday feature on VampireMaman. If you have a questions about parenting, relationships, life, gardening, Vampires, Werewolves, paranormal stuff, art, creativity, history – or just about ANYTHING – just ask and I’ll do my best to answer. And why yes, these questions are from my readers. Send your questions to juliettevampiremom @ gmail dot com.



My daughter keeps putting off studying for her next ACT test and was supposed to have some essays started for her college admission applications by now. How do I approach her about this next time without her shouting, “I KNOW MOM!!!” every time I have asked her about it this summer?

THIS is one of those overwhelmingly difficult questions. I don’t have a guaranteed fix for this. I do have a few suggestions.

Older teens are almost adults but not quite. Some are super excited about going on to college, trade schools, or into jobs, but for most it is like a great abyss of the unknown staring in front of them. If they join the military or a religious order a lot of the work is done for them. But for the rest is isn’t so black and white. There is a lot of gray.

A lot of kids have a difficult time being motivated because they are, plain and simple, feeling overwhelmed.

If you look at most SAT, ACT prep books it will make your head spin. The same goes for college essays. College essays are especially difficult because it is hard for most people to write about themselves. There is pressure to sound real, but sound smart, and sound perfect, but not too perfect, and the list goes on.

Talk with your daughter. Help her come up with a plan. She should schedule quiet time just for studying the SAT or working on her essay. Set aside the time in a quiet place. Even get special snacks for it (teens love their snacks.) Make sure everyone else in the house know this is her time and respect it.

Discuss the essay questions with her. Discuss college and the school. Build her up and let her know you’re with her on this. Help her find her passion and the spark by brainstorming with her. You don’t have to write it for her but make sure she knows she isn’t alone in this.

My daughter found a fun app called something like SAT Question of The Day. Each day there is a question and you can go back and see previous questions. It is a lot of fun. We played it together whenever we were in the car, or just hanging out. It is fun even if you aren’t taking the test.

Also let her know that what she has to say is as important as any other student. She might not have been working on a cure for cancer, or a new engine that runs on grass clippings, but she has done wonderful things. No kid is perfect. Colleges aren’t looking for perfect. They are looking for a voice with passion, and honesty, and the desire to learn.

I asked my own seventeen year old high school senior about this. Her response was, “It is all on the kid. If they don’t want to do it then that isn’t on the parent. It is their future. If they don’t care there isn’t anything you can do about it.” She is a hard one, that daughter of mine.



I love your blog and stories, especially the stories about your brothers, Tellias and Eleora the Elders, the Ghost, and the Austin and Elizabeth stories. Why don’t you make them into books? You’re so talented. You’d have a string of best sellers.

Oh shucks, gosh, and a big sigh. Good question. Uncomfortable question. Please see the pervious question. Yes, I need to do that. I need to start TODAY. I mean, yes, I already have thousands of pages already written. How come I’m not doing it? Because something is seriously wrong with me. Seriously.

The good news is that I am working on a novel which features Nigel, The Ghost as one of the main characters. I’m not in it, but I might make a Hitchcock, Cussler, Tarantino sort of cameo appearance.

But yes, but then again I’m a flake, then again I really need to do this, not just for me but for my characters, and most of all for my readers. I WANT to do it. Just keep talking me into it. And snacks. No, maybe not snacks (I don’t need extra company.)


The following isn’t a question just a comment to a comment.

Skunk Ape hood ornaments: they’re what all the fashionable Vampires are accessorizing their vehicles with this year.

I was wondering what the Hell my friend Matthew had on his car. A Skunk Ape. Holy Crap.

I’m skipping that trend because A) it will soon be unfashionable as we know Vampires are rather fickle, B) it would look silly on a Ford Fusion, C) it is a Skunk Ape.

There is always a lot of discussion around these parts about large hairy non-bear, primate-like, human-like creatures who walk the forests, swamps, and mountains of North America, and other parts of the known universe. In this I also include things like The Jersey Devil, and Moth Man. Well, maybe not Moth Man. Most of us know this creature as Big Foot or Sasquatch.

A Skunk Ape is a Big Foot who lives in Florida. They are super stinky, like bad cabbage. Sometimes they are called Cabbage Man or Cabbage Ape. Stay out of my basement Skunk Ape.

My favorite book about these creatures is Naked Came the Sasquatch by John Boston. I LOVE this book. Of course it is funny.


Thanks again everyone for your questions/comments. See you next Thursday with more. If you have a burning question send me a message at juliettevampiremom @ gmail .com (take out the spaces, I put them in to prevent spammers, bots, and trolls)

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman




Ask Juliette: Blood Types, Werehamsters, and Possible Ghosts

Ask Juliette is a regular Thursday feature on Vampire Maman. All questions are from my readers. 



Dear Juliette, Does different blood types affect a Vampire differently? For example, if the Vampire drinks type A or type O.

Most Vampires have type A+ blood. Don’t ask me why. It is just the way it is. Those with type A+ tend to survive the conversion process better (for those who were not born as Vampires.) Everyone who is born a Vampire has type A+. Don’t ask me why. I’m sure there are a few exceptions but, you know, it is what it is.

As for drinking different types, no it doesn’t affect Vampires differently. It is more of a preference like white wine vs red, or dark roast over light roast. Some Vampires will tell you that a more unusual type of blood like AB-, O-, or B- will give them a rush.

Each type has a different flavor but there are other factors as well. For example Werewolf blood has an undertone of Bourbon. Poet’s blood has a hint of black cherry and cardamom (great iced with a sprig of mint.)


vcocktail crop


Dear Juliette,

I am pretty open minded about other races species and stuff, but I have to ask. Does my son have to be a Werehamster? Is there anything that can reverse his condition or maybe make him into a Werewolf instead? It’s embarrassing.

Wow. Werehamsters are rare.

It is troubling when you have a loved one who transforms into something troubling. The issue with Werehamsters isn’t the fact that he becomes a hamster. It is the fact that he become easy prey to predators such as cats, hawks, dogs, and small children. If he is in one of those hamster wheels or crazy balls when he transforms back to human he could end up at the hospital with a wheel embedded in his neck, or worse. Try explaining that to the ER staff. The logistical issues of a Werehamster are difficult and of course dangerous.

Werewolves, on the other hand, really don’t need to worry about much of anything. They’re on the top of the food chain.

But don’t give up hope. There is a way to transform him into a real big boy Werewolf. Get in touch with the local Werewolf community (but not on a full moon night) and they’ll be glad to help you out. There is one condition, if your son wants to be a Werehamster then the Werewolves won’t help you. They don’t do hostile conversions. OK sometimes they do hostile conversions but they’re Werewolves. You know how they are.

I hope this helped. Good luck. If all else fails just do the hamster dance and keep your kid away from those wheels.

Click here for the hamster dance!

I'm cute. I'm cute. I'm cute. I'm cute.

I’m cute. I’m cute. I’m cute.


Dear Juliette,

My child likes crusts. Is that normal?


We like crusts and haggis.

We like crusts and haggis.

Dear Juliette,

Items keep vanishing from my house. Sometimes I’ll find it in odd places like behind the couch, or on the floor in another room. Am I going crazy? Do I have ghosts?

No, you aren’t going crazy. You don’t have ghosts in your home.

You DO have one or more of the following creatures: husbands, children, cats, dogs, or crows.

My favorite crow, by ceramic artist Eric Dahlin

My favorite crow, by ceramic artist Eric Dahlin

Ask Juliette (Ask a Vampire – Advice for Everyone) is a regular Thursday feature on

If you have questions about relationships, parenting, writing, art, love, romance, paranormal crap of all sorts, Ghosts, vacation planning, or ANYTHING, just ask and I’ll do my best to answer. Send your questions to juliettevampiremaman@gmail dot com (key in a period in place of the “dot”)

Thanks for dropping by and may all of your burning questions be answered.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman





Ask Juliette: Relationships, Dogs & Cats, Quantum Physics, Paranormal Activity, and Vampires

Ask Juliette

Welcome to Ask Juliette (Dear Juliette – Ask a Vampire – Advice for Everyone), a regular Thursday feature at

This week I’m trying out a new format. The questions are in BOLD type. The answers are in REGULAR type.  OK, got that? Good. Let’s get started.

Vampire Teen


What does it mean when you break up with a girl because of how she treats you…..and she offers no resistance?

It means that she didn’t take the relationship seriously. Obviously she just didn’t care enough, or she saw it coming. Maybe she was hoping you’d break it off. If she treated you bad then be happy she just left. Nobody needs a stalker or tears. If you wanted to hurt her because of the way she treated you please rethink those feelings. I know it is natural to want her to feel the kind of pain that you did, but it is better to just move on. Any negative emotional ties you keep will only hurt you – not her. I’m not saying to act like it is all good – because it isn’t. This woman obviously hurt you. What a bitch. Just be glad that you made the move, and now you can learn from the experience and move on.


My cat keeps giving me the stink eye. What should I do?

Get over it. That is what cats do.


Do Vampire have a blood pressure? If so do you do that thing…

That thing? Ahhh you’re making me laugh.

Yes, we have blood pressure. Blood doesn’t just sit coagulating in our bodies like so much sewage. And as for “that thing,” yes, male Vampires can and do get erections if they have enough blood in their bodies. Of course if some guy has been in a crypt for a year and is all dried out he isn’t going to sit up and make passionate love to his lady on the graveyard grass. He is going to hunt first THEN make passionate love to his lady. You know, that is just the way it works.



Does sex feel better for Vampires than humans?

Hell yeah.




My boyfriend loves to kiss me in public, but I’m more of a private person. I don’t want to say anything to hurt his feelings, but I’d much rather enjoy his affections behind closed doors. How do I break it to him?

I keep imagining somebody yelling “GET A ROOM.”

Nobody likes to watch somebody else making out in public. A small kiss, hand holding, and walking close is ok. Kissing on a beach while watching a sunset is ok. Kissing in public is not. Who likes to be at an event and end up sitting next to the couple who are making out? Nobody.

You need to tell him that you adore him, but you also need to tell him that kissing in public makes you uncomfortable. That goes for anything that makes you uncomfortable – you need to tell him. If you’re in this relationship for the long-term you need to keep the lines of communication open. Don’t bitch at him or yell at him. Be gentle but direct.  Then have him listen to the song Cold Cold Man by Saint Motel. It says it all.


I recently heard the term succubus. What does that mean? And is it sucky?

Yes it is sucky. A succubus is a female demon who goes to men, usually while they are asleep, and seduces them. Even though they take the form of beautiful women, they’re nasty creatures. Encounters with a succubus poison both the body and the soul. They are what some guys would call “bat shit crazy bitches.”

I’ve several posts about demons, especially concerning my brother Max who deals with nasty horrible things on a daily basis. Look up demons on the search on this blog, or CLICK Here for one example.




My cat goes crazy at night, Juliette. He hisses at the same blank spot in the corner, and I’m beginning to think we have a ghost. If so, how do I get the ghost to leave? It’s upsetting. 

Poor kitty. Yes, cats do see ghosts and sprints. The first thing you need to do is to confront the ghost directly. Tell it firmly, and without fear, to leave your house. Don’t ask it. Just tell it that it is not welcome. This works most times. Seriously, tell that ghost to get the Hell out of your house.

If the cat is alone in the dark leave on a night-light. Play the radio softly in the background. Try making a safe spot for your cat. Kitties love soft plush blankets. Create a bed that is only for your cat, and let him know that space means he is loved.




I would be interested in the anatomy of a Vampire.

Due to time restrictions (on my part) I’ve made a quick diagram from an image I swiped off of the Internet.


All jokes aside, I’m assuming you wish to learn how we suck blood, how we get that blood quickly into our own blood streams, why we are so cold, and why we live so long. Along with that you are also curious about fangs, Vampire conversion, mind control, etc. That is a lot for this column. Give me time and I’ll, maybe, come up with a detailed explanation, with drawings. In the meantime bask in the mystery of it all and use your imagination.


My dog PeeWee talks. Yes, he speaks to me. But he only does it when no one else is around or will refuse to speak on command if I ask to prove to others that I am not crazy. Although he is really cute with big brown eyes and a seemingly happy disposition around others, when we are alone he berates me for any little thing. He is bossy and manipulative too. His deep Barry White voice is mesmerizing and hearing him speak fascinates me. My dilemma is that now he has taken to humping people’s legs when I have visitors and after they leave he laughs and makes fun of people’s reactions to him humping their legs. It’s really mean. How do I make him behave around others; and how can I stop him from being so bossy and manipulative towards me?

No more pig ears or cheese for PeeWee. What a nasty little creature. I could tell you to discuss the situation with him and find out what the root cause of this is. But forget that. Don’t ask him if he is acting out due to some puppy trauma, or if he feels inadequate. The dog is an asshole. Explain to PeeWee that if he does not behave that there will be consequences. Let him know that you will leave him at home when you go out. Also tell him that he will have to go outside or stay in a crate in a back bedroom when you have guests over. Restrict his treats until he learns to show you some respect. As the dog “owner” you are the leader of the pack. Get beyond the voice. You already know what it does to you. The next step is to realize that it is just a voice coming out of a dog – a dog who is a real jerk.

I know I just said not to talk to the beast but… If it makes you feel more comfortable you could have a deep soulful conversation with the dog. Ask him why he is being such a jerk. Listen, but don’t let him try to turn things around. Dogs don’t lie as much as cats do, but they can play the poor me card. Don’t let him do that. Keep the upper hand. If all else fail find a new home for him. No dog should ever feel like a bad boyfriend.

Don’t tell anyone you can hear him talk or they’ll think you’re crazy. I know, dogs (and sometimes cats) pull this kind of crap all the time.




I have the ability bilocate and multilocate by way of quantum mechanics via quantum motion. This basically means that I can be in 2 places at the same time or even in a multiverse, etc. It’s all rather complicated but I have figured out how to do it. Anyway, should I disclose to my loved ones and my boyfriend? I’m afraid they will see me differently or may scare them away. Up until now I have not told anyone. At first they may think I am crazy but when I prove to them my capability it just may scare them. Any advice will be helpful. Thanks.

Remember the album by Firesign Theater: How can you be two places at once when you’re not anywhere at all? OK back to the question.

First a warning. Avoid time travelers because they are almost always sneaky and untrustworthy.

People tend to fear or distrust anyone who is different or out of their realm of possibilities. I’d recommend bringing up the subject first, as in just a conversation. Like, “I read something on ILFS this morning about the ability bilocate and multi locate.” You never know, someone else might also have this ability. Seriously, do you have that family member who always seems to get more done than everyone else? Think about it.

Unfortunately most people will just think you’re weird or nuts if you tell them about your ability. Just keep it to yourself unless you’re sure someone else you are close to can also be two places at once.

I’m glad to hear you didn’t say you have two husbands or something along those lines. You have an amazing gift. Use it wisely.




I’ve asked my girlfriend to marry me three times. Her answer is always “Not now.” What should I do?

She is telling you “not now”  to be nice.  Face the fact that she isn’t going to marry you. Not now, not ever. Not now means never. It is time to move on. You don’t need a reason from her. Don’t torture yourself – just move on. By the way, I think she is seeing someone else.




Does Dracula have a harem of Vampire girls?

No, the fictional character of Dracula, featured in the book Dracula by Bram Stoker (1897), does not have a harem of Vampire girls.  Three beautiful sort of scary Vampire women live with Dracula in his castle. They might be sisters. At least one might be his sister. No matter who they are, these three girls are hot and use their beauty and seductive powers to get, well, you know, blood. Dracula makes them happy by bringing them small children and babies. It is implied that Dracula turned them into Vampires, so let’s just assume that is true, as far as Stoker’s story goes.

One of the women is blonde. The other two have dark hair.

The term “bride” or “harem” is never used in the novel. I believe they’re just roomies. That said, I’m sure Dracula is a player and sleeps around, because, well, he is Dracula so he can do pretty much whatever he wants.


The only time my phone ever rings is when someone wants something from me. People want rides, favors or to offer me work I don’t want. All I want is a little time to myself. Is that too much to ask?

It isn’t too much to ask.

Let your phone go to massage mode. If is an emergency they’ll leave a message. If you’re using a smart phone set a different ringtone for important people you WANT to talk to. Just ignore everybody else. Turn the phone to vibrate.

Just about everyone else will say, “tell them to fuck off,” but unfortunately you might have to see some of these folks later.

You have to be good to yourself. You need your time. Take it.



Ask Juliette is a regular Thursday feature here at

If you have questions about relationships, parenting, Vampires, paranormal stuff, dogs and cats, parlor tricks, or anything else (and I mean anything) just ask, and I’ll do my best to give you an answer. Send all questions to: juliettevampiremom at gmail dot com

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman


Ask Juliette



Ask Juliette: Crappy Relationship Edition

Ask Juliette (Ask A Vampire – Advice for Everyone) is a regular Thursday feature on Vampire Maman.

These are real questions from real readers. If you have a question about relationships, parenting, Vampires, paranormal stuff, fashion, Zombies, art, or ANYTHING just ask and I’ll try to answer. If might not be the answer you expect, but it will be an answer.

Email me at juliettevampiremom (at) gmail (dot com)



Dear Juliette,

My boyfriend told me that he thinks I’m fat. I don’t look like a super model but I think I look good. I’m in my right height and weight range. Other than that he is a great guy. How can I get him to understand that real women don’t look like underwear models?

~ Looking Good


Dear Looking Good,

You can’t make him understand. The guy is a pig. Dump him.

~ Juliette


Dear Juliette,

I thought I’d found the love of my life. She is beautiful, funny, smart, and my dogs love her. Then she turned me into a Werewolf. I had no idea she was a Werewolf. I had no idea that Werewolves were real. I broke up with her, but now what? I’m having panic attacks. What should I do.

~ Afraid of the Moon


Dear Moon,

What a bitch. I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Send me a private message and I’ll make sure you get a list of resources for folks in your situation. Make sure you include your phone number so I can have someone call you and get you on the right path with the right Werewolves. Wishing you the best.

~ Juliette


Dear Juliette,

My boyfriend and I used to have a good thing going, that is until his sister moved in with him. Now he brings her along on all of our dates. She talks non-stop while he just sits and smiles like an idiot. At his house she is always baking or doing some craft project while he dotes on her. Her boyfriend also lives with them, so it isn’t like she isn’t getting any attention. She is super critical of everything I do. But the worst is that my boyfriend never says a word. He just sits there with a weird stupid smile on his face and nods at everything she says. It is creepy. I’ve put down my foot several time and said I want some alone time with him, but she is ALWAYS there. Sometimes I feel like the only reason he has me around is for sex. It is like seeing a married man.

~ Second Place


Dear Second Place,

Dump the chump. If he doesn’t have the balls to see what is going on you don’t need him in your life. You can do better. Find someone with a normal sister.

~ Juliette


Dear Juliette,

My boyfriend called me a whore because I wouldn’t drive a hundred miles through a snow storm to see him, so I broke up with him. Now he is heart-broken. His friends keep calling me about it. They’re worried about him. What should I do?

~ Not a Whore


Dear NAW,

What an asshole. He doesn’t deserve you. Forget about him.





Dear Juliette,

I’ve been accepted into a great university 200 miles away. I also have an offer for a part-time job in my field. My girlfriend keeps pressuring me to stay with her in our hometown. She wants to get married and says I can go to the local college, or get a job with her uncle. She keeps telling me that I’ll be wasting my time and that I’ll be unhappy so far away from home. She keeps saying she knows me best. We’ve been together since we were fourteen and we’re best friends. I’m a senior in high school. Should I give up my dreams or stay with my girlfriend.

~ Confused


Dear Confused,

Dump her. Dump her hard and FAST. Don’t wait until the Senior Ball. Don’t wait until she gets pregnant on purpose. Don’t listen to anything she says. DUMP HER. You’re too young to be saddled with a controlling girl who has no idea who you really are. Go to the university. Take the job. Get your degree. Follow your dream. Be happy.

~ Juliette


Dear Juliette,

My girlfriend is successful, beautiful and a lot of fun. I want a family. She recently said she never wants kids. She said her job is her baby. We’ve traveled the world together and experienced so many great times together, but I want children.  I can’t imagine giving up my life with her, but how do I convince her that family life would be exciting too.

~ Guy 


Dear Guy,

You had fun, but it is time to move on. If you want a family then break it off. It isn’t fair for you to give up on your dreams for somebody else. The fact that she dropped the no-children bomb on you after three years is dishonest to say the least. It is time to cut your losses and move on.

~ Juliette



Dear Juliette,

I’m thirty years old and recently moved in with my boyfriend. As soon as I moved in he started to make anti-marriage remarks. Then he said that if I ever get pregnant that he expects me to have an abortion. I’m pro-choice, but what he said really hurt. We have a wonderful group of friends and have a lot of fun but I’m having second thoughts about this Peter Pan I’m living with.

~ Not Tinker Bell


Dear Not Tinker Bell,

Move out and move on. The guy sounds like a first class jerk. Nobody deserves such asshole comments especially by someone they think they love. Dump him and do it fast.

~ Juliette


traditional vampire

Alright now that everyone is insanely depressed…

You deserve a love that comes with respect. If there is no respect then move on. Be with someone who believes in your dreams and supports them.

Ask Juliette (Ask A Vampire – Advice for Everyone) is a regular Thursday feature on Vampire Maman.

These are real questions from real readers. If you have a question about relationships, parenting, Vampires, paranormal stuff, fashion, Zombies, art, or ANYTHING just ask and I’ll try to answer. If might not be the answer you expect, but it will be an answer.

Email me at juliettevampiremom (at) gmail (dot com)


I promise more fun and real romance, and a new edition of Vampire Diary soon!

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman


Ask Juliette: Teen driving, night driving, wildlife, physics, and Dr. Who

Dear Juliette – Ask A Vampire
Advice for Everyone

Dear Juliette (Ask A Vampire) is a regular Thursday feature on

These are real questions from real readers. If you need advice or just have an interesting question send it to:

Dear Juliette,

Now that my teenage daughter has her driver’s license, she repeatedly fails to text me when she’s not coming home after school.  She is expected to do her chores at home before going anywhere after school. Again, I text her and asked where she was. “Sorry, at dance practice, but I did come home after school.”

“Why aren’t the dishes done?”

“Oh, well I went back to school to edit the video project before dance.”

Do we place restrictions on her for these breaches? What do you do when your kids don’t communicate or do what is expected?

~ Worried Mom


Dear Mom,

Boy does this bring back long lost memories of my irresponsible youth, long before phones.

As a mom of driving age teens I feel your concern. I also hear this same thing from a lot of parents I know. The kids go out, in a car, or bike, or on foot, and vanish as if we (the parents) have vanished.

I asked my own sixteen year old what she thought of this. She said, “take away the keys. Don’t put gas in the car. Tell her that next time there will be consequences. Put a GPS tracker on her phone.”

Then again, how many times have I asked this child to clean the cat box and ended up doing it myself.

Have a calm talk with your daughter. Stress that she has parents who work. Because you aren’t there all the time trust is even more important than ever. Tell her that you are concerned with her safety. Texting is easy. She NEEDS to let you know where she is going and what she is doing. Let her know that as long as she lets you know then going to practice or spending time with a friend is ok. No problem. If she wants you to trust her then she needs to let you know what she is up to. You let her know where you are. She needs to do the same. It is up to her.

As for the chores, again, you are working parents. You don’t have a maid. Everyone has to pitch in. It is part of being a family. Unless you’re cleaning up after Thanksgiving it shouldn’t take more than 15 minutes to do dishes, especially if you have a dishwasher.

Don’t yell. Be calm. And after you’re done go watch some funny stuff online like possum videos (see end of this post.)

~ Juliette



Dear Juliette,

I work graveyard shifts 6 days a week. Although my body has adjusted to a nocturnal schedule, I sometimes wonder if I might be better off as a vampire. What do you think?

Nocturnal Anyway


Dear Nocturnal Anyway,

If you are comfortable with the night life and don’t mind getting close to strangers I’d say go for it. I’ll get you in touch with my brother Max. He frequently up your way in British Columbia.  You’ll be glad to know that he is one of the best, with a high success rate (meaning you don’t completely die or become some disgusting ghoul and you keep your soul.)

I swear, the West Coast of North America from Alaska to the tip of Baja is the perfect place for Vampires.

And remember, Vampire girls kick ass!

~ Juliette

vampire girls


I received quite a few interesting questions this week. There was one I couldn’t figure out so I asked some friends in one of my private writing groups.


Dear Juliette,

Dr. Who Snack or Nightfriend?

~ Curious


Dear Curious,

First of all I want to thank my friends for your help. THANK YOU.



So the answer is (and I hope this answers your question):

I don’t watch Dr. Who. I think I saw one episode about 40 years ago.  So I had to do some research on the subject.

Dr. Who Snack or Nightfriend?

It would have to be a Nightfriend. As many of you know I don’t have many kind words about time travelers, or aliens, or Time Lords. I’m a Vampire. Time travelers of any kind are usually sneaky liars of the lowest order, not to mention extremely annoying. I speak from personal experience.

So yes, I’d rather have a one night stand with a hot stranger than do the nasty with Dr. Who.

I can’t imagine having sex with a middle aged man in a phone booth. Imagine if he threw his back out or popped a knee. That wouldn’t be fun at all no matter how sexy the guy is.

If I HAD to pick a Dr. Who to have a tryst with it would be Peter Davidson or Paul McGann. That is just based on what I saw on the Wikipedia page. Like I said, I don’t watch Dr. Who or know much about it. I gotta to admit I’ve had a thing for Peter Davidson from when he did “All Creatures Great and Small.”

I’m happily married to a handsome Vampire so I don’t think much about, you know,. other male things. But thanks for the question.

Snacks for everyone!

~ Juliette.



Dear Juliette,

Is it true that vampire squirrels and possums exist, or are animal vampires merely a legend?

~ Evil Squirrel

Vampire Possum says, "Do it!"

Dear Evil Squirrel,

This question had me thinking of a question of my own. What if there were squirrels and possums who turned into humans when the moon was full? Keep in mind that squirrels are one of the smarter animals out there, possums not so much. But how smart does a possum need to be? They’ve existed almost since the days of dinosaurs, which is a lot longer than the Roman Empire, the USSR, and The Bay City Rollers. Never underestimate a primitive mammal for cuteness, great fur, big teeth, and lasting power.

But getting back to the Vampire question… Sadly it is only a legend, at least in the human sense of Vampires. Animals are often thought to be Vampires or other paranormal creatures due to rabies. It is a nasty disease that causes scary, violent and extremely dangerous behavior.

Listen to this true story about a Zombie Raccoon (Click here or cut and paste the URL below.) It will scare the jeebers out of you:

For more information about paranormal creatures that are like Vampires and Vampire like creatures, check out the blog of Mari Wells. She is one of the best sources out there for this kind of stuff.

I know you are THE Evil Squirrel, but for everyone else – for more on squirrel and possum behavior check out 


fruit bat cutie


Dear Juliette,

If a Vampire turns into a bat, how heavy is the bat?

~ Mike


Dear Mike,

Is that a Fruit bat or a Kitti’s hog-nosed bat? I’m going to assume you mean a Vampire bat. They’re nasty little rabies carrying things. But for example, let’s go with the common Little Brown Myotis bats that live in my neighborhood. These are small bats that can live up to 34 years.

So if a 175 pound male Vampire turns into a bat that normally weighs half an ounce…

I could wax poetically about Higgs Boson and Pym fields but the truth of the matter is that Vampires really don’t turn into bats. We can make you think we turn into bats. We can make you think just about anything. But no, we’re not shape shifters.

We also don’t sparkle unless we get drunk and put too much glitter lotion on (the kind sold at Bath and Bodyworks during the holidays), or knock over the Christmas tree when we’re naked. I took down the Christmas tree at my house over a week ago and I’m still finding glitter all over the place.

If we did turn into bats they’d be big ass scary bats. It would be like when Werewolves change from humans to wolves, or when Selkies turn from humans into seals. The form would change but the size would remain relatively the same.

~ Juliette

traditional vampire