Dear Juliette – Ask A Vampire
Advice for Everyone
Dear Juliette (Ask A Vampire) is a regular Thursday feature on Vampiremaman.com
These are real questions from real readers. If you need advice or just have an interesting question send it to: firstname.lastname@example.org
Now that my teenage daughter has her driver’s license, she repeatedly fails to text me when she’s not coming home after school. She is expected to do her chores at home before going anywhere after school. Again, I text her and asked where she was. “Sorry, at dance practice, but I did come home after school.”
“Why aren’t the dishes done?”
“Oh, well I went back to school to edit the video project before dance.”
Do we place restrictions on her for these breaches? What do you do when your kids don’t communicate or do what is expected?
~ Worried Mom
Boy does this bring back long lost memories of my irresponsible youth, long before phones.
As a mom of driving age teens I feel your concern. I also hear this same thing from a lot of parents I know. The kids go out, in a car, or bike, or on foot, and vanish as if we (the parents) have vanished.
I asked my own sixteen year old what she thought of this. She said, “take away the keys. Don’t put gas in the car. Tell her that next time there will be consequences. Put a GPS tracker on her phone.”
Then again, how many times have I asked this child to clean the cat box and ended up doing it myself.
Have a calm talk with your daughter. Stress that she has parents who work. Because you aren’t there all the time trust is even more important than ever. Tell her that you are concerned with her safety. Texting is easy. She NEEDS to let you know where she is going and what she is doing. Let her know that as long as she lets you know then going to practice or spending time with a friend is ok. No problem. If she wants you to trust her then she needs to let you know what she is up to. You let her know where you are. She needs to do the same. It is up to her.
As for the chores, again, you are working parents. You don’t have a maid. Everyone has to pitch in. It is part of being a family. Unless you’re cleaning up after Thanksgiving it shouldn’t take more than 15 minutes to do dishes, especially if you have a dishwasher.
Don’t yell. Be calm. And after you’re done go watch some funny stuff online like possum videos (see end of this post.)
I work graveyard shifts 6 days a week. Although my body has adjusted to a nocturnal schedule, I sometimes wonder if I might be better off as a vampire. What do you think?
Dear Nocturnal Anyway,
If you are comfortable with the night life and don’t mind getting close to strangers I’d say go for it. I’ll get you in touch with my brother Max. He frequently up your way in British Columbia. You’ll be glad to know that he is one of the best, with a high success rate (meaning you don’t completely die or become some disgusting ghoul and you keep your soul.)
I swear, the West Coast of North America from Alaska to the tip of Baja is the perfect place for Vampires.
And remember, Vampire girls kick ass!
I received quite a few interesting questions this week. There was one I couldn’t figure out so I asked some friends in one of my private writing groups.
Dr. Who Snack or Nightfriend?
First of all I want to thank my friends for your help. THANK YOU.
So the answer is (and I hope this answers your question):
I don’t watch Dr. Who. I think I saw one episode about 40 years ago. So I had to do some research on the subject.
Dr. Who Snack or Nightfriend?
It would have to be a Nightfriend. As many of you know I don’t have many kind words about time travelers, or aliens, or Time Lords. I’m a Vampire. Time travelers of any kind are usually sneaky liars of the lowest order, not to mention extremely annoying. I speak from personal experience.
So yes, I’d rather have a one night stand with a hot stranger than do the nasty with Dr. Who.
I can’t imagine having sex with a middle aged man in a phone booth. Imagine if he threw his back out or popped a knee. That wouldn’t be fun at all no matter how sexy the guy is.
If I HAD to pick a Dr. Who to have a tryst with it would be Peter Davidson or Paul McGann. That is just based on what I saw on the Wikipedia page. Like I said, I don’t watch Dr. Who or know much about it. I gotta to admit I’ve had a thing for Peter Davidson from when he did “All Creatures Great and Small.”
I’m happily married to a handsome Vampire so I don’t think much about, you know,. other male things. But thanks for the question.
Snacks for everyone!
Is it true that vampire squirrels and possums exist, or are animal vampires merely a legend?
~ Evil Squirrel
Dear Evil Squirrel,
This question had me thinking of a question of my own. What if there were squirrels and possums who turned into humans when the moon was full? Keep in mind that squirrels are one of the smarter animals out there, possums not so much. But how smart does a possum need to be? They’ve existed almost since the days of dinosaurs, which is a lot longer than the Roman Empire, the USSR, and The Bay City Rollers. Never underestimate a primitive mammal for cuteness, great fur, big teeth, and lasting power.
But getting back to the Vampire question… Sadly it is only a legend, at least in the human sense of Vampires. Animals are often thought to be Vampires or other paranormal creatures due to rabies. It is a nasty disease that causes scary, violent and extremely dangerous behavior.
Listen to this true story about a Zombie Raccoon (Click here or cut and paste the URL below.) It will scare the jeebers out of you: http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/319/and-the-call-was-coming-from-the-basement
For more information about paranormal creatures that are like Vampires and Vampire like creatures, check out the blog of Mari Wells. She is one of the best sources out there for this kind of stuff. mariwells.wordpress.com
I know you are THE Evil Squirrel, but for everyone else – for more on squirrel and possum behavior check out evilsquirrelsnest.com
If a Vampire turns into a bat, how heavy is the bat?
Is that a Fruit bat or a Kitti’s hog-nosed bat? I’m going to assume you mean a Vampire bat. They’re nasty little rabies carrying things. But for example, let’s go with the common Little Brown Myotis bats that live in my neighborhood. These are small bats that can live up to 34 years.
So if a 175 pound male Vampire turns into a bat that normally weighs half an ounce…
I could wax poetically about Higgs Boson and Pym fields but the truth of the matter is that Vampires really don’t turn into bats. We can make you think we turn into bats. We can make you think just about anything. But no, we’re not shape shifters.
We also don’t sparkle unless we get drunk and put too much glitter lotion on (the kind sold at Bath and Bodyworks during the holidays), or knock over the Christmas tree when we’re naked. I took down the Christmas tree at my house over a week ago and I’m still finding glitter all over the place.
If we did turn into bats they’d be big ass scary bats. It would be like when Werewolves change from humans to wolves, or when Selkies turn from humans into seals. The form would change but the size would remain relatively the same.