Ask Juliette: Becoming A Vampire

Ask Juliette is a semi-regular (usually Thursday) feature here on Vampiremaman dot com. If you have questions about relationships, parenting, Vampires, the Paranormal World, Halloween, gardening, pets, art, or just about anything feel free to ask. Send your questions in the comments here or email me at juliettevampiremom @ gmail dot com.
I have only one question/answer this week and it is about Vampires.

Dearest Juliette,

Recently, a friend of mine has unfortunately been changed as a Vampire without their consent. We are attempting to help him make his transition smoother and I was curious, as you are an expert on this topic, what advice you may have for me as I work to keep him safe.

Lydia Brown
Dear Lydia,

I am always shocked and saddened when I hear of something like this. It is morally and ethically wrong for any Vampire to turn someone else into a Vampire without their consent. It is a violation of everything we (Modern Vampires) believe in. Unfortunately there are plenty of Rogue Vampires, Shadow Creepers, and Ghouls out there to make a mess of things for unfortunate souls who happen to cross their paths. On a good note, just be glad your friend was turned into a Vampire and NOT a Zombie.

Thank the stars or whatever you pray to that your friend survived. Only about 10% of people survive the process and become Vampires.

Here is what you need to do for your friend:

1. Food.

Don’t let your friend go around trying to bite necks and end up with an embarrassing mess. One needs to start on wrists. But in all seriousness, start out with blood from other sources. Medical supply establishments and blood banks seem obvious but we have our own sources. If you have a Dave’s Bottle Shop in your area they always have a good variety of blood in the back. If you show up with your friend they’ll know right away he is a Vampire and help you out.

Your friend will be able to eat a limited amount of regular food BUT it is limited. No sugar, no fast food, no carbs, no bakery products at all, no fruit smoothies, no chips, or Hot Cheetos, or milk.

What won’t make your friend sick (usually, sometimes, maybe) is dark leafy green vegetables, red wine, most booze, olives, meat, etc. Stay away from chicken or most poultry at first.

2. Find other Vampires (not the creepy types either)

Your friend will know when they see another Vampire. They just do. Reach out and find out who can help. Most of us will. We understand. We want everyone in our community to be a success.

3. Light and Dark

Vampires tend to be light sensitive, even if they have dark skin. Wear sunglasses, sunscreen, and hats all year, rain or shine.

4. Vampire “powers.”

Your friend will notice that he can concentrate on a person and make them sleep, or stop, or all kinds of stuff. At first it will be awkward, but it takes practice. I can take down a Vampire hunter with a lock of an eye, but I’ve been doing this for 157 years. This is where other Vampires can help. Just think of the master and “Grasshopper.”

5. Don’t let ANYONE know you’re a Vampire.

Keep it to yourself. Keep your fangs in. Don’t be creepy. If you’re a Vampire you’ll live a long time but you aren’t immortal. You can be killed. And you won’t last long if you go around bragging, or even hinting.

6. You can have a normal life as a Vampire.

Seriously, you can. Read this blog. You’ll see. It isn’t a bad life.

7. Vampires can see Ghosts and other “different” folks.

Don’t freak out if your friends starts to say he sees Ghosts, Demons, Pixies, and other interesting characters. He does not have to talk to them, look at them, or socialize with them. Most of them are up to no good. If he ignores them they will usually go away.

8. Everything else (the myths)

As for stuff like garlic, holy water, mirrors and such – most of that stuff is kind of untrue. Modern mirrors show our reflection, but others will see our reflection blurry, unless we lock eyes in the mirror with them. It’s kind of hard to explain. Tell your friend to give it a try and you’ll see what I’m talking about.

The garlic thing has always been a myth. But honestly who wants to go to bed with someone with a huge string of garlic around his or her neck? Nobody. Holy water and church stuff – all I have to say is that we’re not welcome, but we like the music so you just might find us sitting in the back of the church, especially around holidays. If that is your friend’s thing them tell him to go for it.

And best of all Vampires do not have to sleep in crypts, coffins, or holes in the ground. Your own bed is just fine.

I hope this helped. I can’t stress enough the fact that you need to find other Vampires who can show him the ways of our people. You can still be friends with him. He’ll appreciate that more than you’ll even know.

Keep me posted on how he is doing.


Good luck,
~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Ask Juliette: Feeling Blue, Looking Orange, Finding Waldo, Vampire Cats, and Poe

Ask Juliette (Ask A Vampire – Advice for Everyone) is a regular Thursday feature here on Vampire Maman. These are all real questions from real readers. If you have questions about anything (and I mean anything) send me a note at juliettevampiremom @ gmail .com

An old illustration I started for a Poe story. I've always liked it. That's all.

An old illustration I started for a Poe story. I’ve always liked it. That’s all.


Dear Juliette,

I finally worked up the courage to ask… or say something about many different things. I go through a lot every day, as do most people. Let me begin my saying, I’m someone who suffers from bouts of depression. It’s something I’ve only recently been able to talk about with people. This step I’ve taken, I somewhat regret. I placed my trust in people who I now think don’t like talking about it. It leaves me in a place of deeper loneliness and on top of that, life isn’t slowing down. I stress about my life all the time and people who constantly surround me make me feel guilty for choosing a path that helps me with my depression.

These two groups are friends and family. I’ve trimmed my friends a great number. The friends I have now, I consider dear to my heart, but sometimes, when they avoid talking about something weighing me down, I wonder, do I matter to them as much as they matter to me? And my family, well… what can I say… To them, it’s like a cold. Take medicine, sleep it off, and the morning next, I should be fine.

Taking this all into consideration, what do you think I should do to keep myself from falling down the rabbit hole I’ve only so recently climbed out of?

~ Sincerely, Not Alice


Dear Not Alice,

I saw your email in the wee hours of the morning. It really moved me.

The fact that you’ve recognized that you have depression and that you are dealing with it is something you should be proud of. It is never easy. It is a huge step.

A lot of people never talk about it to others. There is still a stigma about depression. It is uncomfortable to deal with for everyone.

It is never easy for others to hear someone suffers from depression. People tend to not want to talk about health issues, especially mental health, because it makes them uncomfortable.

The one thing being a creative person teaches you is to face rejection. It also teaches you to dig deeper inside of yourself than most people can ever imagine. I want you to know that. It doesn’t mean rejection gets easier, it just means you’ll learn to handle it better than most people – and not take it personally.

Is it going to be easy? Absolutely not. Are there going to be rewards. Absolutely YES.

In life there are those people who have a five-year plan. There are those who know at age 20 what they’ll be doing at age 30. And you know what? Life happens. Companies fold, people die, opportunities happen, people fall in love, or you just change your mind. Take it all, take everything, as an experience to learn and grow.

Be good to yourself. Have fun with yourself. Love yourself. Be your own best friend.

At the same time know that your friends and family who are there for you LOVE YOU. Yes, they do. Sometimes it is just hard to show it in the ways you want them to. Not only do they want you to be happy but they want to see you happy. Show them a smile. Tell them something positive. Make it a habit. I know it sounds like Sunday/Kindergarten stuff but it works.

The one thing I can tell you, from my own experience, is to never embrace Depression. Do not be kind to it. Do not consider it your friend. Do not see it as part of you. It is not who you are. Depression isn’t like a cold. You don’t just get over it. But you can learn to give it the middle finger and be strong.

I bet you have more talent in your little finger than most people have in their entire bodies. So seek out inspiration, new experiences, and things that make your happy. Don’t worry so much what others think. They aren’t you.

So what should you do to keep out of the rabbit hole?
Be good to yourself.
Treat yourself.
Keep active.
Most of all keep creative.
Find new activities (and new friends)
Don’t be a hermit.
Know that you are not defined by depression.
Know that you are loved.
Get professional help if you feel you need it.
Learn from your experiences and mistakes (and learn from the experiences and mistakes of others.)
And learn from your own success. Celebrate your success, even the small things.
I’m not an expert or a medical professional. I’m just someone with a lot of life experience who observes and records everything in the crammed small space I call my brain.

Take a deep breath. One day you’ll look back and want to hug the younger you. So go ahead and give yourself that hug now. I know it is hard. It is really hard. But you’re on the right path. Just keep going. Never stop.

Hugs ~ Juliette


Dear Juliette,

My cat has recently taken to vampirism. At first he was noshing nightly on rats and raccoons, but over the past month he’s gone and drained poor Aunt Milly dry. We buried her last week. What’s to be done? And should we expect Aunt Milly back?

~ Guy with a Cat


Dear Guy,

Bad kitty.

I consulted with my friend Adam, who also just happens to be a Werewolf and expert on shape changers.

It looks like Aunty Milly might come back but as a rare North American Werelynx. I doubt if your kitty did all of the blood draining. He had help. Werelynx frequently hand out with house kitties and their unsuspecting owners. Aunt Milly might do quiet well under the full moon with her new beautiful fur, tufted ears, and take-no-shit attitude. Keep me posted and let me know what happens. And remember to keep some rabbits or raw meat around so she won’t be tempted to eat any family members.

~ Juliette

Lynx, Werelynx


Dear Juliette,

Can vampires get a suntan?

~ Malibu Barbie


Dear Barbie,

Unfortunately no. Even Vampires of color are sensitive to the sun. We buy sunscreen by the gallon. When we’re in the sun we can get violently ill. My son had problems with that in high school. I was always going up to school to pick him up until I had a serious talk with the PE coach. Thank goodness they only have to have PE for the first two years.

Believe it or not, Vampire don’t tan but we do get amazing freckle blooms. That is something most people don’t know.

Spray tan sounds like a logical option for Vampires who want that just-back-from vacation-in-Arizona-glow. But, being the stylish and classy creatures we are, we don’t spray tan. I mean, seriously, look at a certain orange buffoon running for president and his tacky orange wife. Yikes. They’re scary monsters to say the least.

~ Juliette

Dear Juliette,

Can Vampires diet?

~ Skinny


Dear Skinny,

Sure, but why?

~ Juliette


I added this image of Vincent Price just because he is smoking HOT.

I added this image of Vincent Price just because he is smoking HOT.


Dear Juliette,

Where is Waldo?

~ Still Looking


Dear Still Looking,

With the Goblin King.

~ Juliette

Goblin King


Dear Juliette,

Did you know Edgar Allen Poe?

~ Fan of Eddie


Dear Fan of Eddie,

No, he died before I was born.

Edgar Poe – January 19, 1809 – October 7, 1849

Juliette Kings – October 23, 1859 – Not Dead Yet.



Dear Juliette,

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

I already answered this burning question in a previous post but here it is again.
Dear Juliette,

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

~ Tongue Tied


Dear Tongue Tied,

Really? Woodchucks?

If a woodchuck could chuck wood it wouldn’t be much. They have little bitty arms and can’t throw logs like some great big Vampire guy could. I’d say after a hefty pile of kindling, say about a twenty-five gallon drum full the poor little critter would be exhausted for a week.

~ Juliette

Look at those tiny little woodchuck arms.

Look at those tiny little woodchuck arms.


That is it for this week. Thank you everyone for all of the questions. I hope I’ve been able to help. If you have a burning question about life, parenting, relationships, mysterious stuff, paranormal, Vampires or ANYTHING for next week just email me at juliettevampiremom @ gmail .com


~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman



Ask Juliette – Woodchucking, An Itchy Witch Situation, and Getting Published

Ask Juliette (Ask A Vampire – Advice for Everyone) is a regular Thursday feature on Vampire Maman.

This week: Woodchucking, An Itchy Witch Situation, Getting Published, and Dealing with a Disneyland Dad. I’m not sure I have the answer you want but I have the answer you’ll get today.

Vampire Teen


Dear Juliette,

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

~ Tongue Tied


Dear Tongue Tied,

Really? Woodchucks?

If a woodchuck could chuck wood it wouldn’t be much. They have little bitty arms and can’t throw logs like some great big Vampire guy could. I’d say after a hefty pile of kindling, say about a twenty-five gallon drum full the poor little critter would be exhausted for a week.

~ Juliette

Look at those tiny little woodchuck arms.

Look at those tiny little woodchuck arms.


Dear Juliette,

How do I get my book published? Should I go with an agent or publish it myself?

~ New Novelists


Dear New Novelists,

How about you just start drinking now. Start with vodka. I like it on ice with about three big olives. Then move on to gin. Buy a couple of gallons of each at Costco. Make sure you have enough limes, olives, cocktail onions, and ice on hand.

Traditional Route:

Indie Publishing

  • Go to the Indies Unlimited web site for articles and resources.
  • Start at and follow the instructions.
  • Make sure your book is PERFECT.
  • Do not make the mistake of having an amateurish looking cover. A childish drawing or unprofessional type treatment will kill your sales. Find a professional to help you with the cover. It will be well worth the money.
  • Write a great jacket cover description – even for e-books. A great description will encourage readers to BUY your book. Think about it.
  • Be prepared to get that publicity machine going. Promote it like crazy. Get people to write reviews.
  • Create a blog or web page for your book.
  • Create an author pages on Facebook and Twitter.
  • About reviews: If someone writes a less than great review just let it go. Trolls are looking for a reaction. Don’t give it to them.
  • I am not the best source for this information. I’m just a Vampire who writes a silly blog.  Go to the Indies Unlimited web site (CLICK HERE) for articles and resources.
  • Good Luck.

Note: Do not fall victim of vanity publishers. You should NEVER pay an agent for a reading fee. Publishing on Amazon, B&N, and many other sites is FREE. No charge. You should never pay out-of-pocket for printing up front. If they ask for money it is time for you to RUN. There are a lot of services saying they’ll publish your book for a fee. DON’T DO IT. A lot of people are waiting out there for inexperienced glassy eyed writers to take their bait. Don’t be stupid. Don’t be bait. You can do it all for free starting with Amazon, and many, many, many other places. PLEASE go to the Indies Unlimited web site before you start. 

Then, no matter what route you choose go have some cake. Everybody likes cake.


He’d get rid of that writer’s block if he’d just have some cake.


Dear Juliette,

I accidentally bit a Witch and I think that he cursed me. And now I can’t find him so that I can say that I am sorry. Do you happen to know how to remove curses. I can’t take this infernal itching any more.

~ Itching for an Answer


Dear Itching,

Awwww man, I am so sorry to hear that. I like Witches only slightly less than I like ghosts which is not at all. They’re all so sneaky and vindictive. But I waver from my usual political correctness – not all Witches are like that…Oh just strike me with lightning right now because I am not going to say anything nice about them. I don’t know anyone who gets butt-hurt like a Witch. They’re so over sensitive.

Alright, removing a curse isn’t easy but it can be done.

First things first. How in the world did you accidentally bite a Witch? The throes of passion? An unfortunate fall? Trying to get away from the gingerbread house?

But before we get to removing that curse – make sure you rub your itch with Witch Hazel. No puns intended. The stuff works, or at least it will make things seem a little bit better.

I asked several experts on the subject about your problem.

If you can’t find your Witch you’ll have to resort to kissing. Yes, kissing is the cure for just about every itching spell. Your best bet is a Werewolf, on the lips, in human form. If you can’t find a Werewolf then you have to kiss a real courtesan. I kid you not – where do you think cortisone cream got its name? The third choice (it isn’t a frog) is to kiss someone who broke your heart. But wait, you have a fourth choice. Kiss a child on the forehead then teach the darling the lyrics of Scratch That Itch by Ratt. I know that sounds extreme but I know you can do it. The child will have no idea what it means. Absolutely no idea. It will work with your own kid, or in a pinch your parrot or myna bird. On the other hand the lyrics are kind of dirty. So if you know any big babies who are really adults it might work with them. Give it a try. What have you got to lose?

Good luck.

~ Juliette

Vampire Teen

Dear Juliette,

I am divorced with two kids. My ex is always taking them to movies, restaurants, Chuck E Cheese, and other places I can’t afford. I feel like I need to financially compete for their love and I’m broke! My question is, where should I exsanguinate him for maximum effect? I want to make sure he “gets the message.”

~ Broke Mom


Dear Broke Mom,

I hate Chuck E Cheese with a passion. Disneyland Dads (and sometimes moms) can be so frustrating. If your kids are old enough to “get it” explain to them, gently, without malice, that Dad has more money and until the National wage gap problem is solved you can’t compete with material objects but you love them more than the universe. Tell them that this isn’t a contest and you aren’t going to play. Children know at an early age that if they are allowed to they can play their parents off of each other. Don’t buy into it. They know a lot more than parents give them credit for.

I’m sure you’ve talked to your ex until you’re ready to scream, or maybe you’ve already screamed. As for the exsanguination, there are several options. Since I don’t know this guy’s personality I might be off track. First you can take him back to court and get more child support. That is messy and expensive. You could also tell him that since he can afford everything else that he has to pay for braces, math tutors, AP and SAT tests, sports fees and all the other high ticket items. I’m sure you’ve done that too. But do it with a smile. Be super nice – it will creep him out and make him wonder what is going on.

Yes indeed, all of that expensive fun is like crack to kids. Unless you send them on a crazy insane guilt trip (and you don’t want to do that) they are going to love every minute of the love Daddy is buying.

So where do you do your real blood letting? Anywhere is good, just as long as you don’t do it in front of your kids. Unfortunately this isn’t like the old days when you really could drain him dry.

This is, to date the most difficult question I’ve had to answer and I don’t really have a great answer.

Just remember, no matter what, talk to your kids and always keep the lines of communication open with them. Listen to them. Spend time with them. Be happy around them. They’ll “get it” eventually. In the end they’ll know you’re the Mom and the one who will be there for them no matter what, good times or bad.

~ Juliette

Featured Image -- 10652
Ask Juliette (Ask A Vampire – Advice for Everyone) is a regular Thursday feature on Vampire Maman.

These are real questions from real readers. If you have a question about relationships, parenting, Vampires, paranormal stuff, fashion, Zombies, art, or ANYTHING just ask and I’ll try to answer. If might not be the answer you expect, but it will be an answer.

Email me at juliettevampiremom (at) gmail (dot com)

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman


Ask Juliette: Just An Old Fashioned Vampire Story

Dear Juliette – Ask A Vampire – Advice for Everyone

traditional vampire

About Vampire Novels

Dear Juliette,

My vampire novel is currently under consideration by a publisher.

My human protagonist and vampire antagonists follow very traditional lines.

The vampires are governed by the rules Universal Pictures laid down during the Universal Golden Age of the 1930’s and 40’s. However, there is a twist which has never been used in any literature or film, yet still fits in the Universal mold. By the way, this twist is simply not “literary license.” I have proven the technique actually works in the real world. But I give you my word, it has not been used against a real vampire, or any being for that matter.

As a modern vampire, what are your feel about new literature, which portrays vampires along the older guidelines? Is it considered insulting or in any way defaming to vampires?

Thank you for your time and consideration.

~ Interested Author


Dear Interested,

First of all congratulations on your novel and impending publication.

I have no problems with traditional vampire stories. As long as a story is written well and captures my imagination then I’m all for it.

Whatever you write, that is your story. From Bram Stoker to Anne Rice to the icky sparkly vampires of Twilight, I’m up for anything that will entertain and get people reading.

Vampires aren’t insulted by much of anything. Aside from a few blogs like this most people still think vampires are imaginary creatures. We sort of like to keep it that way too.

And hey, if you’re a vampire, no matter how modern and “nice” you are, you’re still a predator deep down inside. Really, you are.

This brings up the whole vampire bashing phenomenon I’ve noticed when I’ve found myself confronted by trolls. I tend to either ignore them or inform them that what I write is MY story to tell, not their story. Promise me you’ll do the same if anyone attempts to bash your work.

The traditional vampire tradition, and I’ll start with Dracula, is rich and a lot of fun.


And one more thing…tell your agent to check out my blog. There might be a book in here somewhere.

~ Juliette


Vlad to meet you. Juliette is going to bed now. But not with me.

Ask Juliette (Ask A Vampire – Advice for Everyone) is a regular Thursday feature on Vampire Maman.

These are real questions from real readers. If you have a question about relationships, parenting, Vampires, paranormal stuff, fashion, Zombies, art, or ANYTHING just ask and I’ll try to answer. If might not be the answer you expect, but it will be an answer.

Email me at juliettevampiremom (at) gmail (dot com)






Ask Juliette: Crappy Relationship Edition

Ask Juliette (Ask A Vampire – Advice for Everyone) is a regular Thursday feature on Vampire Maman.

These are real questions from real readers. If you have a question about relationships, parenting, Vampires, paranormal stuff, fashion, Zombies, art, or ANYTHING just ask and I’ll try to answer. If might not be the answer you expect, but it will be an answer.

Email me at juliettevampiremom (at) gmail (dot com)



Dear Juliette,

My boyfriend told me that he thinks I’m fat. I don’t look like a super model but I think I look good. I’m in my right height and weight range. Other than that he is a great guy. How can I get him to understand that real women don’t look like underwear models?

~ Looking Good


Dear Looking Good,

You can’t make him understand. The guy is a pig. Dump him.

~ Juliette


Dear Juliette,

I thought I’d found the love of my life. She is beautiful, funny, smart, and my dogs love her. Then she turned me into a Werewolf. I had no idea she was a Werewolf. I had no idea that Werewolves were real. I broke up with her, but now what? I’m having panic attacks. What should I do.

~ Afraid of the Moon


Dear Moon,

What a bitch. I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Send me a private message and I’ll make sure you get a list of resources for folks in your situation. Make sure you include your phone number so I can have someone call you and get you on the right path with the right Werewolves. Wishing you the best.

~ Juliette


Dear Juliette,

My boyfriend and I used to have a good thing going, that is until his sister moved in with him. Now he brings her along on all of our dates. She talks non-stop while he just sits and smiles like an idiot. At his house she is always baking or doing some craft project while he dotes on her. Her boyfriend also lives with them, so it isn’t like she isn’t getting any attention. She is super critical of everything I do. But the worst is that my boyfriend never says a word. He just sits there with a weird stupid smile on his face and nods at everything she says. It is creepy. I’ve put down my foot several time and said I want some alone time with him, but she is ALWAYS there. Sometimes I feel like the only reason he has me around is for sex. It is like seeing a married man.

~ Second Place


Dear Second Place,

Dump the chump. If he doesn’t have the balls to see what is going on you don’t need him in your life. You can do better. Find someone with a normal sister.

~ Juliette


Dear Juliette,

My boyfriend called me a whore because I wouldn’t drive a hundred miles through a snow storm to see him, so I broke up with him. Now he is heart-broken. His friends keep calling me about it. They’re worried about him. What should I do?

~ Not a Whore


Dear NAW,

What an asshole. He doesn’t deserve you. Forget about him.





Dear Juliette,

I’ve been accepted into a great university 200 miles away. I also have an offer for a part-time job in my field. My girlfriend keeps pressuring me to stay with her in our hometown. She wants to get married and says I can go to the local college, or get a job with her uncle. She keeps telling me that I’ll be wasting my time and that I’ll be unhappy so far away from home. She keeps saying she knows me best. We’ve been together since we were fourteen and we’re best friends. I’m a senior in high school. Should I give up my dreams or stay with my girlfriend.

~ Confused


Dear Confused,

Dump her. Dump her hard and FAST. Don’t wait until the Senior Ball. Don’t wait until she gets pregnant on purpose. Don’t listen to anything she says. DUMP HER. You’re too young to be saddled with a controlling girl who has no idea who you really are. Go to the university. Take the job. Get your degree. Follow your dream. Be happy.

~ Juliette


Dear Juliette,

My girlfriend is successful, beautiful and a lot of fun. I want a family. She recently said she never wants kids. She said her job is her baby. We’ve traveled the world together and experienced so many great times together, but I want children.  I can’t imagine giving up my life with her, but how do I convince her that family life would be exciting too.

~ Guy 


Dear Guy,

You had fun, but it is time to move on. If you want a family then break it off. It isn’t fair for you to give up on your dreams for somebody else. The fact that she dropped the no-children bomb on you after three years is dishonest to say the least. It is time to cut your losses and move on.

~ Juliette



Dear Juliette,

I’m thirty years old and recently moved in with my boyfriend. As soon as I moved in he started to make anti-marriage remarks. Then he said that if I ever get pregnant that he expects me to have an abortion. I’m pro-choice, but what he said really hurt. We have a wonderful group of friends and have a lot of fun but I’m having second thoughts about this Peter Pan I’m living with.

~ Not Tinker Bell


Dear Not Tinker Bell,

Move out and move on. The guy sounds like a first class jerk. Nobody deserves such asshole comments especially by someone they think they love. Dump him and do it fast.

~ Juliette


traditional vampire

Alright now that everyone is insanely depressed…

You deserve a love that comes with respect. If there is no respect then move on. Be with someone who believes in your dreams and supports them.

Ask Juliette (Ask A Vampire – Advice for Everyone) is a regular Thursday feature on Vampire Maman.

These are real questions from real readers. If you have a question about relationships, parenting, Vampires, paranormal stuff, fashion, Zombies, art, or ANYTHING just ask and I’ll try to answer. If might not be the answer you expect, but it will be an answer.

Email me at juliettevampiremom (at) gmail (dot com)


I promise more fun and real romance, and a new edition of Vampire Diary soon!

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman


Dear Juliette: Bedsheets, Baseball, and Blood

Ask A Vampire – Advice for Everyone

Dear Juliette (Ask A Vampire) is a regular Thursday feature on

These are real questions from real readers. If you need advice or just have an interesting question send it to: juliettevampiremom at gmail dot com


Dear Juliette,

Vampires are sensitive. What thread count would you recommend for their bed sheets, and what other creature comfort home upgrades would you suggest for interior decorating?

~ Stylish Vamp


Dear Stylish Vamp,

I recommend 400-1,500 thread count. I also recommend a sateen finish. I hate to be short sheeted, and I hate wrestling with fitted sheets so sometimes I get King size sheets for my queen size bed. That goes for blankets too. Most Vampires I know can’t abide flannel sheets. The idea of them makes me feel claustrophobic.

I recently found a set of beautiful dark blackish green sateen sheets as Costco (of all places.) I’m going back for a second set, or maybe even a third. I like them that much.

Another recommendation is go for the Egyptian cotton. Believe me on this one. You’ll be able to tell the difference.

Vampires love decorating. That is those of us who live in homes in the modern world. Come to think of it, even the old timers get into it every once in a while.

Modern style (like my brother Max), or traditional Gothic (Vlad), all Vampires love their books and have them in almost every room of the house. Invest in good bookshelves. Go for something practical as well as beautiful.

Invest in a good refrigerator or wine refrigerator for your extra blood supply.

Make sure you have good window covers. Interior shutters for windows are good for bedrooms and easy to install. Interior shutters don’t have to look creepy. You can cover the exterior to look like elegant curtains. If you have neighbors you have to think about appearances. You don’t want anyone to think you’re weird. Really, believe me, you don’t.

Iowa has been in the news a lot lately, but there is a lot more going on there than politics. If you’re the rare Vampire who still likes to sleep in a coffin check out the Trappists Coffins made by monks near Dubuque. Their work is beautiful. Sure the coffins are made by monks but you don’t have to tell them you’re a Vampire when you put in your order.

Another trend for coffin sleepers is having stereo systems added in. That sounds sort of 1980’s to me. Remember those tacky water-bed head boards with the built-in eight track tape decks and vinyl bumpers? Sure you do. Just bring your smart phone or tablet to bed with you. Or just don’t sleep in a coffin.

~ Juliette


This is not my bed. I don't sleep in a box.


Dear Juliette,

With this being an even year, do you think the Giants will be hoisting the World Series trophy again, or will all that money they spent on pitchers who weren’t exactly at the top of their game last year come back to bite them?

~ BB Fan


Dear BB Fan,

You know how Vampires love their baseball, and with a large Vampire population within driving distance of San Francisco we love our Giants.

It is a lot of ask from the Gods of Baseball, but yes, they could win again.

In my humble opinion, in 2016 the Giants will showcase one of the most intimidating rotations in MLB. With Madison Bumgardner (and the crowd goes wild), Johnny Cueto, Jeff Samardzija (who might surprise us in a big way), and Jake Peavy, they might be able to pull of some good ball. The big problems with all of these guys, except maybe Madison, is that they keep hurting themselves. The Giants pitching line up has a lot of players so we might have some surprises from guys I haven’t even mentioned. You never know.

They just have to watch out for those Diamondbacks this year.

But all said, there is nothing like a game at ATT Park overlooking the San Francisco bay. It is always packed and always a great time.

As long as they don’t let Casey go up to bat I think they’ll be fine.

~ Juliette




Dear Juliette,

Can a Vampire tell the difference in blood type alleles? Does it affect the flavor? Moreover: could a Vampire conceivably recognize a disease detectable by science merely by taste alone? Finally: is the blood of a single person distinct enough that, if a drop were left behind from someone a vampire had tasted it once before, that they could recognize it as belonging to that individual?

~ Bloody Curious


Dear Bloody,

That is a lot of information to take in all at once. I’ll give you the short answer.

Vampires can indeed tell the difference between blood types. Of course we can. Did you know that Werewolf blood has a hint of fine Bourbon in it? Well, it does.

Basic blood types yes, but I can’t give you a run down on your family tree. If I had a comparison I guess I could but who has time for that?

Can we recognize a disease by blood. Yes, and not just blood. We can sense when something isn’t right.

One drop? It depends on how fresh it is. There again, we can, some of us better than others. I am not in any kind of “enforcement” profession so I don’t regularly look for blood drops and lick them. But my brother Max is in that profession so sure, he can tell if he has to. And some of us are better at this sort of thing than others. Just like regular folks we’re not all identical. How boring would that be?

One thing that is interesting, and little known by the non-Vampire community is the ability to pick up temperament in the blood. Yes, there is something to the term “hot blooded.” Poet blood is more complex and rich in taste than others. Someone who is in mourning has a slightly bland taste as if something is missing. The list goes on. I could write a whole article on the subject.

It is the rare Vampire who does not have A+ type blood. For some reason people with that blood type convert over better. Use that fact next time you’re on Jeopardy.

~ Juliette

victorian vampire girl

Dear Juliette (Ask A Vampire) is a regular Thursday feature on

These are real questions from real readers. If you need advice or just have an interesting question send it to: juliettevampiremom at gmail dot com

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman