Drinking Games and Raking Fall Leaves

Against my better judgement I had the radio on all day today. I learned that most of the old fart senators in Washington don’t know, or pretend not to know about drinking games, that teenage boys think farts or funny, or anything about beer. All of these “Good Christian Men” forget about their college years when they were sleeping with everything without a penis, drinking beer until they puked and passed out, and lighting farts on fire. They also like to hear themselves talk (even when it is through somebody else) so they ask a woman about a traumatic event she experienced at age fifteen and wonders why she didn’t tell anyone. Guess what? Teenage girls don’t share stuff like that because they know nobody will listen.

All of this just makes me think of drinking games. Take a drink for every time someone asked Kavanaugh if he liked beer or drank beer or every time Kavanaugh said he said the word “beer”. I was driving when I heard the whole beer episode. I thought I was in some sort of world that had turned into the cross between a Salvador Dali painting and a Carrie Nation Rally. By the way, if you didn’t know this already, Carrie Nation was six feet tall. I kid you not. But back to the hearing…I almost pulled over to the side of the road. I wouldn’t have been surprised to have seen Rod Serling hitch hiking with an alien.

We’ve also suggested that the TV shows “Hawaii Five-O” and “Longmire” be made into drinking games. Whenever someone gets shot you take a drink. It they die in a more unusual way you take a drink. If someone gets kidnapped you take a drink. If someone who is a main character gets kidnapped or shot you take a drink. By the end of the show, well you never see the end of the show because you’ll be passed out by then.

When I arrived home I decided to not listen to anymore noise. Alas, my plan to just listen to the purring of my cats and maybe some music turned into my usual Thursday headache. And it is also the Friday morning headache. That is LEAF BLOWERS.

About half of my neighbors have yard services and that means leaf blowers.

Vampires, due to our naturally gentle and quiet nature, hate leaf blowers.

I HATE LEAF BLOWERS. 

And half the time I see the guys blowing leaves they’re just blowing dirt. They’re blowing NOTHING. I want to yell at my neighbor after the three hour bout of blowing leaves that he needs to move to the desert if he hates a single leaf in his back yard.

Jesus, Joseph, and Mary, and everything I hold near and dear, I swear that I HATE LEAF BLOWERS. The loud noise makes my head feel like it is going to explode. Kids can’t study. Babies can’t sleep. I can’t work. I can’t do fucking anything.

I told my daughter that next Thursday when the leaf blowers start blowing I’m getting out my trumpet, and YES I do own a trumpet, and blowing it off of my deck until they all think Gabriel himself has come down to earth to do whatever it is that arc angels do. And then when there is a strange silence I shall put down my trumpet, show my fangs and whisper, “vengeance is mine.”

So I take a deep breath. 

I like raking leaves. To be honest, I don’t rake leaves, I sweep them. I sweep them off of the walkways, out of the gutters, and off of the driveway. Along with the leaves are hundreds, and maybe thousands of acorns.

Where are the squirrels when I need them? They’re in the trees barking at me and my cats.

Back to sweeping leaves. There is something so satisfying about sweeping my leaves up. It is quiet. Sweeping is prime time to get my ideas and creativity in order. It is a time to think. I love the way I make little and big piles. I love the smell. I love the mix of leaves and the random flower blossoms and bark that mixes with the leaves.

Right now there isn’t much in my wild back yard except trees so I let the leaves fall on the bare ground to make a soft carpet and get scattered by the dog and the wild turkeys. I don’t need perfection. I don’t need the noise of leaf blowers.

I need the quiet and the celebration of nature in my somewhat ordered world. To be honest with you there is little order in my world, but leaf sweeping, and any yard work in my tiny botanical garden under the oaks brings solace.

So wishing you all peace in this change of seasons. Turn off the radio and TV. Have a beer that nobody will question you about, and count your blessings.

And then hug your cats, talk to your kids, and be a good Vampire. Fall is here.

Remember…Halloween is just around the corner.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

juliette kings _ Marla Todd

No Leaf Blowers Allowed in My Yard

 

 

Weirder Tales

Weirder Tales – Now Available on Amazon and other fine online bookstores. Proceeds to to MS Research.

 

 

 

 

Why can’t you be more like beer?

“Why can’t you be more like beer?” And other stupid things human guys say.

I hear a lot about young guys living in a world of video games and not being able to keep relationships with women. Believe me, this has been going on for a long time – long before video games.

Want to know a secret? The females of the species say the same kinds of stupid things too.

This isn’t a pop quiz but let me know if you have the answer to this question. Not the title of this blog post but THIS question: Why do guys like to talk about how much they love beer, their truck, their motorcycle, bicycle, exgirlfriend, best-friend’s-girlfriend or other stupid shit when they are attempting to impress a female? Then they get flustered and think the poor girl they’re with is boring or less than perfect because she doesn’t love beer, trucks, playing baseball or isn’t the identical twin of his best friend’s perfect girlfriend. Weird how that happens.

Or I could just write a blog post called “He is really looking for a guy in a female centerfold body.” Or “If you want to be with a guy then be with a guy.”

I’m writing this because I’m around a lot of teens and they talk a lot about relationships. There is so much confusion. So adults do two things generally.

1. They say NOTHING or end the conversation.

2. They tell funny/weird stories about people they know (including themselves.)

The same applies to adult friends but that can be more of a challenge. Unfortunately some people don’t want to learn from their mistakes. They have such rock solid notions of… well, how things should be, but things aren’t like that, people aren’t like that soooooo….you might as well say nothing most of the time and just know you’re going to get another good story to laugh about sooner or later (usually sooner.) Did that make any sense?

By the way, I’ve been around for a long time. I’m not talking about anyone who reads this blog so don’t think I’m writing about you… or I WILL write about you. If you do feel like you are displaying weird dating/relationship behaviors you need to stop it right now.

So back to the issue on hand…

We’re telling funny stories and cautionary tales.

My husband always tells my daughter those three important words that all fathers need to say: Boys are stupid.

When a guy says “Damn you’re beautiful” and you turn around to say thank you and find out that he is talking to his truck, something is amiss. Something is stupid. Someone is stupid (hint, it isn’t the girl.)

What am I trying to say to these guys? What should you say ladies?

Say, “Grow up.” Yes dude, you need to grow up and get real. You can still have fun if you just open your mind. Opening your mind doesn’t always need to include beer or pot or expecting a girl to be just like your guy friends.

The other day I was hiking with my kids and my niece and her boyfriend. We were talking about this stuff and all tended to agree. Of course not ALL guys are like this. Of course they aren’t. But the ones who are like that make for a lot of frustration. Don’t be one of those guys. Don’t waste your time on one of those guys. There are too many out there who do appreciate the opposite sex.

Don’t worry, I’ll have more posts about “needy women” and other types of weirdness coming up soon. I’ll have equal opportunity fun for everyone.

There are also those “beer girls”, you know the girls who try to be one of the guys just a little bit too hard. Ugh.

Or you could just date a Vampire which brings an entirely different set of challenges. I’ll blog on that later this week.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

 

 

Vampires LOVE Technology (plus America’s Got Talent and Cocktails)

Last night the kids and I missed America’s Got Talent because we had to go to the Apple Store.

Seems that the iPod touch went on the blink and 12 year old Clara was left in a churning void of darkness and isolation (translation: not being able to message her friends).

The Apple Store is always bright and clean full of nice young people that make me feel positively ancient. Mind you, I’ve been using Macs since the mid 80’s (1980’s, not 1880’s) because I do things other than blogging and tattling on my kids and husband (I have a real profession). Don’t jump on me…I also have a PC. Two Dells in my house, 2 Macs, 2 Android phones, 1 iPhone, 1 iPod touch.

In my house Adobe isn’t a building material it is a software and a way of life.

Oh sure, my spelling and grammar can leave something to be desired (thank you Aunt Liz for pointing that out, now go stalk someone else you old vampire bat)… but…where were we?

Vampires like their computers and their toys. Honestly, do you think we’re going to wait around for centuries in musty damp old castles waiting for passers by to just happen upon us? I think not.

So, back to the story. We recorded AGT and will watch it tonight along with the new show. I hear there as a pig on it.  Looking forward to that one.

Teddy might fix cocktails but he has been spending more time sitting with us on our couch, like a vampire version of the Simpson’s couch (but, I’m glad to say Teddy is no Homer).

Wait…hold on…Teddy said he has a new cocktail

Vampire Head Rush

2 oz Bourbon

12 oz Dark Beer (Teddy Suggests something like Downtown Brown)

2 oz Blood

Pour all in a tall glass over ice.

Clara calls it a head rush because she says it looks like something out of a toilet. Middle School humor.

Oh well. Have fun.

~ Juliette

Addition or maybe a correction…we DID see it tonight. I wasn’t too impressed by anyone EXCEPT the young man who did stand up comedy. He was really really really good (maybe he is a vampire – we do ok at comedy. Really. I mean it. Come to one of our events.)