Ask Juliette: How can I tell if my girlfriend is a Vampire? Class Reunions. And other timely matters.

Ask Juliette (Ask a Vampire) is a semi-regular feature here at Vampiremaman.com

If you have a question about anything, including, but not restricted to relationships, parenting, Vampires, Werewolves, Ghosts, cooking, gardening, travel, roller skating or anything you have a burning question about just ask. Send your questions to juliettevampiremom @ gmail dot com. Or just put your question in the comments.

Dear Juliette,

I think my girlfriend might be a Vampire. Lately her habits have changed for the extreme. Her diet has recently become extremely restrictive, she is gone most nights, she started to wear more black, she looks better and is in better shape than she ever has, and she have become kind of snappy with me. I asked her about it and she said she found out she is diabetic. I don’t buy it. How can I tell if she is a Vampire? 

If your girlfriend did turn into a Vampire she would have been deathly ill before she got better. It isn’t an easy process to convert. 

Here are a few signs if she is indeed a Vampire.

  • Cooler body temperature. 
  • Restricted diet.
  • An increase to sensitivity to the sun.
  • Quick healing of wounds.
  • Little or no physical aging.
  • Often a show of fangs when angry.
  • The ability to see in the dark.
  • The ability to put someone else into a trance.

I don’t believe your girlfriend is a Vampire. More than likely she has changed her diet for health reasons, and is going to the gym at night. Or she is cheating on you. Or going to the gym at night AND cheating on you.

Dear Juliette,

Can Vampires have babies or does one have to be bitten by a Vampire and convert? Can Vampires and Werewolves have babies? Can humans and Vampires have babies.

Yes, Vampires can have their own biological children the old fashioned way, but only with other Vampires, and it is extremely rare. They don’t have offspring with regular human folks, and not with Werewolves, and not with Demons, Fallen Angels, or anybody who is not a Vampire. 

Dear Juliette,

I want to become a Vampire. Can you help.

No. Please don’t ask me again.

Dear Juliette,

How does one turn into a Vampire?

Do you honestly think I’d tell you, a stranger, on this blog where thousands and thousands of people could read it? Seriously?

Dear Juliette,

I read the post about Nigel the Ghost and his class reunion. It got me thinking… I have my 30th class reunion coming up. What should I wear?

Thanks for reading my last post.

Good question. A class reunion is a time to show some class. Wear something you are comfortable in, yet flattering. Make sure whatever you wear fits correctly. Don’t try to squeeze into something too tight. In turn don’t wear something that fits you like a tent. A class reunion, especially after the ten year point, is not a time to try to be sexy. An attempt at being a hot mama will only make you look older and pathetic. Everyone WILL talk about you behind your back and not in a good way. But if you want to do something special like getting your make-up or nails done then go for it. If you feel good, you’ll look good. 

And guys, at least wear a button down shirt. A tie is always nice. Wear an undershirt. Nobody wants to see your chest hair or nipples. NOBODY. Skip the gold chains and over the top guy bling. 

Dear Juliette,

My 20th class reunion is coming up. Many of my classmates have spoken about their faith based lives and conservative values. At the same time about a dozen classmates have come out and are bringing their same-sex spouses. Should I tell people to be nice?

Some people, religious or not, are just assholes. Show support to the LBGT classmates. If you haven’t walked in their shoes you have no idea at what they have gone through to be accepted, and have the right to be married to the people they love. If anyone has a problem with that it is THEIR problem – and they are jerks. Not all faith based people have problems with someone being LBGT. In fact, most of my LBGT friends are people of faith. You asked, and I’m telling you what I think. 

 

Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Thanks for dropping by. If you have a pressing question you know where to ask.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

 

 

 

Little Hagrid

My husband Teddy and I have been invited to a Harry Potter themed party on October 30th.

First of all I need to say that my children never read the Harry Potter books. We tried. They didn’t like reading the books. I didn’t like reading them.

Call us uncultured morons but we liked the movies a lot so we know who the movie characters are.

It was the language that bothered my kids. It was too British. It was too fussy. My kids are fans of American authors. I loved British authors when I was young but I’m not my kids. And yes, I know your kids LOVED the books as if they were all the books of the Holy Bible, but that wasn’t our experience. Right now my daughter is loving Nathaniel Hawthorne and John Green. But seriously, you don’t need to leave a comment that you love the Harry Potter Books. I also can’t stand Little Women.

So back to the party. Teddy claims he hates dressing up to parties. However, when he does dress up he steals the show and becomes the life of the party.

When I was 7 months into an 8 month pregnancy I went to a Gilligan’s Island party as a pregnant Mary Ann. I also once went to a party as a princess dressed up like a New England Fisherman. I’ve been space aliens with a costume made of kitchen utensils, and I’ve gone to most parties as a dead girl. Last Halloween I was a Vampire (ha ha ha no kidding.)

But Harry Potter? Really? Mind you this is an adult party too. Naked Harry Potter?

Teddy didn’t have any ideas. I told him to wear a suit (because he is smoking hot  sexy in a suit) and go as the Minister of Magic. He shrugged.

I was digging through a drawer looking for my Nook charger (people around here steal it for other devices) and found a brown dreadlocks wig Teddy had worn as part of a hippy costume. He also wore it for his snowboarder costume (complete with a “will work for pot” sign.)

 

ZING. I have an idea.

ZING. I have an idea.

 

Then the light bulb went off in my head. I’d get a beard, wear the wig and go as Little Hagrid. I showed Clara (age 16) and she laughed and laughed and laughed. I showed Teddy and he said, “no.” I might have well be standing in front of Grumpy Cat.

 

Grumpy-Cat-NO-1

 

Clara and I laughed about Little Hagrid for the next two days. Teddy still said, “NO”.

It is my fault for marrying someone who is always serious. Oh right, we’re Vampires, we’re supposed to be serious and grown up all the time. Screw that.

Iareseriouscat

So I put the wig back on and said I’d be Hermonie. I picked up a pencil and shouted, “MAGICUS DOGUMOUS.” The child laughed so hard she fell off the couch. No laughs from the man.

Then the husband tells me this is a classy and serious party. What would people think of us? Excuse me? It is a Harry Potter Party. I told him I’d find a blonde wig and be the bitch in the pink suit. I don’t remember her name. She had a lot of cats so I’ll carry a creepy stuffed cat with me.

Teddy said, “we’ll see.”

Yes, we will see. In the meantime I’m going to be Little Hagrid on October 31, despite the fact that we’ve been invited to a Zombie themed party.

Clara and I will be laughing about Little Hagrid for a good long time – because that is what we do.

We also push Teddy to his limits so it was time to put up the wig and be serious…or pretend to be serious.

And you know, the sexy costume is far over rated. I can always be a sexy Vampire. I AM a sexy Vampire.  But I can’t always be Little Hagrid.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

I've got the moves like Hagrid

I’ve got the moves like Hagrid

 

The Answer Will Always Be NO (listen to the cat and the Vampire)

The answer will ALWAYS be NO.

nonono

Now, right NOW, go to your Smart Phone. I know you all have the Talking Tom App. Touch the cat’s feet. NO NO NO.

If you don’t have Talking Tom (you should) go to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgsZx5EOeAU (or go to the apple store to get it for free.)

There are some questions that only have one answer. That answer is NO.

Below are some of those questions.

 

I want to be a Vampire. Can you tell me how?

NO NO NO

I want to meet Vampires.

NO NO NO

I think I’m a Vampire

NO NO NO (You’d know if you are a Vampire. Just like you’d know if you’re a turtle.)

I’m over 30 and want to still shop in the Juniors section.

NO NO NO OMG NOOOOOOOOOOOO

I want a tattoo of a rat running across my chest.

WTF? Are you kidding me? NO NO NO

Should I buy that Vintage Pinto? It is really cute and gets good mileage.

NO NO NO

Should I get a Pixie cut?

NO NO NO

Should I get another dog (I already have 4).

NO NO NO

When my teens ask “Mom I want to…”:

  1. Dye my hair pink (blue, red, neon yellow etc etc).
  2. Get skull jeans.
  3. Drive YOUR car.
  4. Turn my friends into Vampires
  5. Fall in love before I graduate from college
  6. Get married before I graduate from college
  7. Go back packing in Europe without any adults (you’re only 16)
  8. Go to the concert (fill in the blank for bands) without an adult, and by the way it is in San Francisco and on a Monday night.
  9. Pierce something that is not my ear.
  10. Get gages.
  11. Enter an eating contest.
  12. Have a pet alligator
  13. Get another cat in addition to the two ingrates we already have (NO NO NO)
  14. Get a drum set.
  15. Jump off the Salmon Falls Bridge (Google it).
  16. Date someone more than 2 years older or younger than me.
  17. Read 50 Shades of Gray (that answer applies to everyone).
  18. Read The Bridges of Madison County (that answer applies to everyone).
  19. Skip college.
  20. Drink with my friends – I don’t care if adults are there, the answer is NO!
  21. Smoke Pot (NO NO NO and it doesn’t do anything to Vampires but make them smell bad and it makes everyone else stupid).
  22. Wear red pants.
  23. Bring home donors (aka food – this is a Vampire thing. Don’t suck blood where you sleep.)
  24. Dress all black and gothic (this isn’t Beetlejuice kids).
  25. Keep bats in the attic.
  26. Date someone you (mom & dad) don’t like.
  27. Sit on the roof of our house.
  28. Go to a tanning booth.
  29. Get a grill (ha! Just put that one in to be funny)
  30. Learn to pole dance.
  31. Listen to Rihanna and consider her a role model.
  32. Eat loudly.
  33. Hey mom I’m putting up a Youtube video of me picking my nose.
  34. Sexting.

And the list could go on for about 34,000 more items. NO NO NO.

Listen to the cat.

 

Listen to your mom.

 

Listen to the Vampire.

Now, right NOW, go to your Smart Phone. I know you all have the Talking Tom App. Touch the cat’s feet. NO NO NO.

 

If you don’t have Talking Tom (you should) go to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgsZx5EOeAU

talkingtom