Space, Crazy Circus Music and A Perfect Seventy-Eight Degrees

Space, Crazy Circus Music and A Perfect Seventy-Eight Degrees

I  was going to dive into to my Friday post but my brain is under attack by such noise, I can hardly explain…

I’m in the roller rink for Friday practice. All the skaters are doing beautiful thing with their dance and artistic routines. And yes, any comments about derby will be removed. Anyway, the music today is especially bad. It sounds like an old-fashioned circus. I expect Emmet Kelly and a band of clowns and elephants and dancing bears on skates to come flooding out of the back room any minute.

Dude, dancing bears. I have this poster in my house. The real one.

Dude, dancing bears. I have this poster in my house. The real one.

When we arrived the music (on a circus organ) was “Morning After, ” in some sort of polka or maybe fox trot or even an upbeat cha cha beat. Yes, that song, the one Debbie Boon sang to in the original Poseidon Adventure (1972 with Gene Hackman and Shelly Winters.) Imagine that song upbeat and in a crazy circus organ out of American Horror Story, or worse a Stephen King novel, or more like, well, an alternate or parallel universe. Holy crap this record is bad. No wonder young skaters aren’t joining the sport. Thank goodness the only thing with the old organ music is the American Dance. Yes, boys and girls, this is why your sport isn’t in the Olympics yet. It isn’t the skating – it is the music. Hell upside down. Now a version of “The Stripper” is playing that I have no words to describe. This is the Muzak they play in Hell.

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OK, back to our previously programmed blog post…

My sixteen year old Clara was talking about the Universe and space earlier today. She can’t get her mind around the fact that the Universe is expanding. But where is it expanding to? Where it come from? What was before the big bang, and before then, and before then? Then she told me about someone who created a photo of the entire Milk Way using millions of images of the Milky Way. It is all mind-boggling.

Then consider the fact that we’re looking at flickering stars billions of miles away. Then consider that someone might be out there looking back at our flickering star (the Sun) and wondering if anyone is out there. Think about it.

It is almost too much to get your brain around. We know so little about our own solar neighborhood. Only in the past hundred years have we managed to fly, and communicate with wires, then wirelessly, then we got cat memes. Actually cat memes aren’t new. But back to space, please.

Pre 1920 Cat Meme. Seriously, I kid you not. Cat memes aren't new. People have been creating them since ancient times. Think about it.

Pre 1920 Cat Meme. Cat memes aren’t new. People have been creating cute cat drawings and memes since ancient times.

Where was I? Oh right, physics, super colliders, and even some quantum physics. Stay with me. This isn’t leading anywhere, but stay with me.

I mentioned to my child that I’d read somewhere that some scientists thought they might be able to get to a parallel universe. The headline was, “Large Hadron Collider ‘Could Be About To Find A Parallel Universe.” Look it up. And if you ever get the chance to visit a Super Collider DO IT. I have and it is super interesting.

So the child asked me what exactly again was a parallel universe.

From Wikipedia: A parallel universe is a hypothetical self-contained separate reality co-existing with one’s own. A specific group of parallel universes is called a “multiverse”, although this term can also be used to describe the possible parallel universes that constitute reality.

Yes, you can be two places at once.

Or as they say in Firesign Theater How Can You Be in Two Places at Once When You’re Not Anywhere at All.

Or another bit I swiped off of the Internet, “But, according to quantum mechanics, microscopic systems can be in two or more places at the same time, a principle called superposition (also called quantum weirdness – no explanation needed). Atoms and electrons can be in two places at once.”

I explained it the best I could in the best mom terms I could. It made more sense than what I’m writing here, but then again, when I’m driving in my car I’m not listening to crazy insane circus organ skate music.

What I didn’t explain to my daughter or anyone else, was that I had been in that somewhere else parallel universe – recently.

Then our conversation changed a bit.

“Being a Vampire is like living in a parallel universe. Tell me again why we can’t let anyone know about us?” My daughter has asked me this a lot.

“Because darling child, we must let them think they are on the top of the food chain. You know what they do to their own kind who are different. You know about the Vampire Hunters. You know the history.”

She shrugged and told me about her English class. Then we listened to music.

My mind went back to the night before.

I was in bed, my arms and legs wrapped around my husband, or I thought it was my husband. I assumed it was my husband. I was hot. I don’t think I’d ever been so hot.

We both opened our eyes at the same time.

“Juliette?” I knew the voice but it wasn’t my husband.

“Pleasant?” It was indeed my old flame Pleasant Van Dusen and he was burning hot. Not burning hot as in that kind of burning hot, but temperature wise hot.

Remember we’re Vampires and run at a cool 78 degrees farenheit. He was burning up at 98.5 degrees give or take a few.

He gave me a weak smile. “Happy Birthday honey.” Then he wiped the sweat off of his forehead. “What is going on? I can’t cool down.”

I rolled away from him. We were naked. Oh my goodness. The room looked unfamiliar but it was in a style that we both would have picked out. Modern with a touch of 80’s – and I mean 1880’s.

“My heart feels like it is beating out of my chest. Feel it.” He said this as he grabbed my hand and put it on his chest.

“It feels like a regular person Pleasant. It feels like…oh my God. Sit up. Look in the mirror.”

We sat up and looked at the mirror on the wall across from the bed. Our images showed up sharp and clear. We both smiled, uncomfortable grins. No fangs. Hot skin. Hearts beating fast. No fangs.

“Dear God, Pleasant, we aren’t Vampires anymore.”

“No. Juliette no.” The panic in his voice was frightening. Pleasant never panicked.

We’d been transformed. Both of us had been Vampires from the day we were born as rare Vampire babies but now…now…now…we were not.

And we were together. The rings on our left fingers matched in design. A portrait of our wedding was on the night table. We gazed out the window. Two moons. That could only mean one thing – an alternate universe.

I got out of bed. Pulling on a pink silk robe (I would have never chosen pink), I opened the bedroom door. Then everything grew dark. Next I opened my eyes and I was back in bed, my arms wrapped around my husband Teddy. He was a cool 78, exactly like a healthy Vampire should be. I was exactly with the man I should have been with.

My phone vibrated. I answered. It was Pleasant. “Are you a Vampire Juliette?”

“Yes. You?”

“Yes, are you with your husband?”

“Yes, are you with your wife?”

“Yes. What happened?”

“Alternate or parallel universe. We must have hit some sort of time warp or black hole, or I don’t know.”

“Are you cold.”

“Yes, thank goodness. You?”

“Yes, I’m cool.”

“Juliette, I gotta go. I’ll call you.”

“Sure, take care. Be careful.”

“You too. You too Juliette.”

And that was it. We were one of them if only for a moment. It was life as it would have been if we’d been regular “normal” people. But we aren’t.

I didn’t tell my child. I had no idea if our Regular Human versions ended up in our beds with our spouses. I didn’t ask. I don’t want to know.

I feel hot.

I feel hot.

 

I’ll continue to talk science with my kids. We will continue to speculate. But sometimes, just sometimes, it is good not to mention those time warps that happen when we least expect it.

So I guess, the only thing to say is to stay curious, stay cautious, and stay cool. And that my friends is the only point to this story.

And like I always say, take with your kids. Talk with them. Explore with them. Discuss with them.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

First posted in October 2015. My kids are now away in college and are not doing competitive skating anymore, but I still talk to them ALL THE TIME. Well that, and send them funny texts every single day.

Businessmen, Handsome Gen X

It was just a thing.

this guy

Pleasant Van Dusen.

For no reason at all I was thinking about a part of my life that I don’t share with my children or husband – my past life – my very distant past life.

Nobody needs to know my entire history with Pleasant. He was in and out of my life for years in a whirl of passion and adventure that didn’t involve my husband or anyone I associate with now.

It wasn’t a good thing or a bad thing, being with Pleasant. There was some of both. It was just a thing.

I think of dark nights with the sound of silk against silk, back in the day of corsets and hair piled high with jeweled combs. A time of secrets and hunts until the sun came up, then sleep with dreams of doing it all again.

He swept me up in a wave of passion that neither one of us could handle. What started with the stupid ignorance of youth turned bad, then it turned to dust.

I was snapped out of my thoughts with sounds from downstairs of my family. More memories of a different kind of passion with my husband Teddy. What I have with him is something based on reality, but not without that fire that never seems to burn out, fueled with both passion and trust and a bond of partnership that lasts forever. And what I have with Teddy is love. Real love.

But we all have our past lives and our different selves. The scary thing is that I know my children will also start to create their pasts and different selves. They’ll invent and reinvent themselves over and over and over before they settle down on who they really are.

I hope their choices are smart and that their voices stay loud and clear and true. Change isn’t a bad thing. Neither is exploration or odd dark paths without a obvious light at the end. But I don’t want them to ever flounder or drift in an out of control boat only to crash somewhere and have to drag themselves out of the mud. It will happen. That is the nature of life.

I’ve spent the past 18 years teaching my children to make wise choices. So far so good.

I thought of the was Pleasant would run his fangs across my wrists and then look up at me and… well, that is not a story for today or any other day. We all have our secrets to keep to ourselves.

No regrets because memories are just that – moments of the past. Remember but stay in the present, because as all Vampires know, the present can last for a very long time.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Right now I’m in Southern California with my daughter who is visiting the big university she’ll be going to in September. She is signing up for classes, etc, and because of this I’m reposting from August 2015. Enjoy. Have fun. Think. And stay cool in the summer heat. I’m off to the beach.

It was just a thing

lips

 

Pleasant Van Dusen.

For no reason at all I was thinking about a part of my life that I don’t share with my children or husband – my past life – my very distant past life.

Nobody needs to know my entire history with Pleasant. He was in and out of my life for years in a whirl of passion and adventure that didn’t involve my husband or anyone I associate with now.

It wasn’t a good thing or a bad thing, being with Pleasant. There was some of both. It was just a thing.

I think of dark nights with the sound of silk against silk, back in the day of corsets and hair piled high with jeweled combs. A time of secrets and hunts until the sun came up, then sleep with dreams of doing it all again.

He swept me up in a wave of passion that neither one of us could handle. What started with the stupid ignorance of youth turned bad, then it turned to dust.

I was snapped out of my thoughts with sounds from downstairs of my family. More memories of a different kind of passion with my husband Teddy. What I have with him is something based on reality, but not without that fire that never seems to burn out, fueled with both passion and trust and a bond of partnership that lasts forever. And what I have with Teddy is love. Real love.

But we all have our past lives and our different selves. The scary thing is that I know my children will also start to create their pasts and different selves. They’ll invent and reinvent themselves over and over and over before they settle down on who they really are.

I hope their choices are smart and that their voices stay loud and clear and true. Change isn’t a bad thing. Neither is exploration or odd dark paths without a obvious light at the end. But I don’t want them to ever flounder or drift in an out of control boat only to crash somewhere and have to drag themselves out of the mud. It will happen. That is the nature of life.

I’ve spent the past 18 years teaching my children to make wise choices. So far so good.

I thought of the was Pleasant would run his fangs across my wrists and then look up at me and… well, that is not a story for today or any other day. We all have our secrets to keep to ourselves.

No regrets because memories are just that – moments of the past. Remember but stay in the present, because as all Vampires know, the present can last for a very long time.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Businessmen, Handsome Gen X

 

 

Make me over (she told the Vampire) – past lives, secrets and learning from it all

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Kat was lovely in that fresh healthy sort of way that can be obtained with a personal trainer, good hair stylist and tanning booth. Her pale highlighted hair was just right. The perfectly applied minimal makeup was perfect even in the heat. She had that friendly gentle demeanor that made you just want to hug her. The glowing wife and mom and successful businesswoman with a tad too much skin showing for her age.

 

She’d also made 34 Vampire Slasher movies in the 1980’s. Not much of a story line in any of them but a lot of gore and T&A. And oh yes, she wasn’t the swooning silly girl. She was the Vampire Sex Princess.

Sure it bordered on soft-core porn (actually there were 5 hard core porn films too) but the pay was great and she was smart with her money.

By the way, like 99% of my regular human clients she had no idea I’m a Vampire. So this was a little weird taking on the Vampire Sex Princess as a client.

And why am I telling you about this? It was business. From time to time (not as much as I used to) I’m asked to makeover the image of someone (usually semi famous). It has been anyone from politicians to people in the film industry to CEO’s of high tech companies and so on. It is all discreet and seamless. I’m a pro and of course they don’t know they’re dealing with a Vampire.

We met for lunch at a trendy but private place with a view of a lovely garden and good service. I ate little (as usual) and we shared a bottle of red wine.

So now my client was a wife and mom (oh right, which makes her now a saint) and wanting a new image.

Kat (short for Kathleen) looked at me with one of those you’re-not-going-to-believe-this-looks and said, “I was called Vampire Mom. Ouch. Someone suggested I do a Vampire Mom blog but that would be so tacky and my kids would lose all respect for me.”

“Someone else is already doing the Vampire Mom blog thing.” I smiled, not showing my fangs.  Of course someone else is doing the Vampire Mom blog thing and if she tried to replicate it her blog would only be a weak lifeless shadow. It would fail. It would die within a month.  “I agree, you need to see the Vampire roles as that, fictional roles. You’ve moved on.”

She gave me a blinding white smile. “Exactly. I had so much fun and made some of the best friends I’ve ever had. It was a blast. But I don’t identify with being a Vampire.”

“The key is to make it clear that playing a Vampire was a role you played, not who you really were or who you are now.”

“If Weiner can try to make a come back I don’t know why I shouldn’t be able to.”

OK I thought, that was an interesting and not so flattering comparison. All those guys. What was it with them cheating and telling lies than expecting us to forgive them? And their wives. I’d have such a bonfire in my driveway if Teddy pulled anything like that. On the other hand I’m a Vampire so I shouldn’t really care – but I do. Just like I care if my dog and children behave (and they DO always behave – all three of them.)

Kat continued to talk. “I took my clothes off on camera. But I was being paid as a professional. That is why it is called acting.”

“I agree.” I smiled again.

“If I took my clothes off today I’d still look that good.”

I said nothing.

“So you don’t judge me?” She asked me this as if she was surprised I had not reacted to her comment about taking off her clothes.

“Of course not.” I smiled. I positively glowed with reassurance as only a seasoned Vampire can do.  

It would be other thing that I could judge her on, but that wasn’t my place and she was giving off a lot of good vibes and sort of a nervous anxious energy. I was getting bored by it all, but in my head thinking up a plan and a strategy so she could get her new life and career going. She’d be a success. She just needed a little common sense and someone to help her with that jump-start.

True confession time. Like all Vampires (and writers) I’m a natural born liar. Sure I judged her. Not for making tacky movies. That was an honest living. I judged her for making excuses for what she had done and NOW wanting to be held up as the moral and perfect female role model. I judged her like I judge the child molester who says “I’m a good person now because I found God.”

I don’t know what it was about her that bugged me so much. I’m pretty open minded, impartial and fair. Maybe it was the fact that she was so freaking shallow.

Note to self: Have THE TALK to the kids on being SHALLOW.

She talked for another hour while I took notes. Kat wanted a new image and I can understand that completely. We all go through changes – that is part of life. The average person changes several many times before they retire. The average person changes lifestyles many times.

We discussed the options. She had a list:

  • Parenting expert (questionable)
  • Fashion for moms of a certain age (good choice)
  • Fitness (good choice)
  • Cooking with a fresh attitude (good choice)
  • Vampires (bad choice)

She was naturally fun, likeable (despite being so shallow) and good in front of a camera. I’d do wonders for her. Under my expert hands she’d be a bright warm shining star!

After I was done with Kat (the interview, just an interview and notes), I walked down the street and for a fleeting moment thought about how my kids have told me that they think I’m funny and they’re proud of me. I’ve done a lot of weird things too but that is my story and secrets and not a public dialogue.

Then I pondered a bit, but not too much about how Vampires have learned to keep the secrets of who they are.

We all have secrets. But secrets aren’t that bad of a thing.

  • A secret crush
  • A secret joke
  • A secret song
  • A secret thought
  • A secret kiss
  • A secret that could hurt someone if told
  • A secret judgment
  • A secret that is just what it is – a secret.

 

Most of us live in several different worlds – work, school, parent, employee, friend, daughter, sister, lover, wife, artist, writer…

We had different past lives as well.

And then there is that world, that secret place where you are truly who you are, alone, with nobody else but you.

In the world of the typical busy mom that place, alone and secret, is a sanctuary at times. It is that lovely alone time in the car, but then it is such an easy transition to that wonderful time when you pick your kids up from school and they talk to you about what they learned, what their friends are up to, what they discussed with their teachers, what silly thing happened in the lunchroom.  The list goes on and then you realize that this is where you should be – a perfect world that is with a definition of perfection being love without having to think.

Last time I took one of the cats into the Vet she told me “Cats have rich and wonderful lives outside our ours.” Knowing my cats I can only imagine.  I don’t trust my dog either. But they’re keeping those lives secret from me. One day my cat came strolling down the street singing along without a care in the world. My neighbor (3 houses down) said, “Is that your cat? He comes over and has conversations with me almost every day.”  The other cat has a different circle of friends who populate her secret life.

You have a past that belongs to you alone. And even though it is in the past you are still accountable. You might not be proud of it. You might have made mistakes. Nonetheless it is yours and your responsibility. The best you can do is own up to it. The worst you can do is not to learn by your past or your past mistakes.

And the only way we can grow and be the Vampires (and people) we want to be is to LEARN from our mistakes and always go forward. We can only get better. I mean, sure we can get worse, but the goal is to always move forward.

In the meantime, I just got a message from Kat. She has more ideas. Oh joy.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman (who is feeling rather random and disjointed of late…)

Moth