Answers to Questions About Vampires.

I’m really good at dealing with crappy days, but it isn’t as if I like it.

In the meantime if you’re looking for answers here you go…

Answers to Questions I’m Asked About Vampires

No, bats don’t make good pets. They’ll die. Don’t do it.

No, we don’t tear people’s throats out. Think of the mess. And seriously do you rip the door off of your refrigerator every time you get something to eat? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

No, I don’t sleep in a coffin. I really want one of the Sleep Number beds.

Yes, we are sensitive to light. Thank you for asking and pass the sunscreen.

Yes, sometimes we do eat real food (we need fiber just like you).

Yes, we do have paranormal powers. No I won’t tell you about them.

Ask a Werewolf if you want to know about Werewolves.

No, garlic will not kill us. Now your breath… that is another issue.

No, a cross will not burn us.

Yes, fire can kill us. Fire can kill you too.

Yes, if you destroy my heart or cut off my head I’ll die. So will you.

Yes, this is a real Rolex. I purchased it new in 1959.

Yes, cat blood is pretty nasty. I wouldn’t advise it.

Yes, we do hunt vegans.

No, being a vegan will cause a Vampire to go into a coma for a very long time.

Because you’d kill us.

Vampire girls kick ass.

No, we usually just make them think they did. That’s why people love us and have so many fantasies about us.

No, we can’t have biological children with a regular human.

No, less than 10% of humans turned into vampires survive more than a few weeks. Of that only 5% will make it. 90% die within an hour. Did that answer your questions?

We wear other colors. Not just black.

Yes, we do prefer red wine over white.

No, I won’t answer questions about THAT.

Yes, Werewolf blood does taste sort of like Bourbon.

Yes, we do get married to other Vampires. No we don’t marry regular people (not much because it never works out)

No we don’t marry Werewolves. What is wrong with you?

No, I will not show you my teeth.

 

That’s it for today.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

vampire girls

 

Answers to Questions about Vampires

You need answers…

No, bats don’t make good pets. They’ll die. Don’t do it.

No, we don’t tear people’s throats out. Think of the mess. And seriously do you rip the door off of your refrigerator every time you get something to eat? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

No, I don’t sleep in a coffin. I really want one of the Sleep Number beds.

Yes, we are sensitive to light. Thank you for asking and pass the sunscreen.

Yes, sometimes we do eat real food (we need fiber just like you).

Yes, we do have paranormal powers. No I won’t tell you about them.

Ask a Werewolf if you want to know about Werewolves.

No, garlic will not kill us. Now your breath… that is another issue.

No, a cross will not burn us.

Yes, fire can kill us. Fire can kill you too.

Yes, if you destroy my heart or cut off my head I’ll die. So will you.

Yes, this is a real Rolex. I purchased it new in 1959.

Yes, cat blood is pretty nasty.

Yes, we do hunt vegans.

No, being a vegan will cause a Vampire to go into a coma for a very long time.

Because you’d kill us.

No, we usually just make them think they did. That’s why people love us and have so many fantasies about us.

No, we can’t have biological children with a regular human.

No, less than 10% of humans turned into vampires survive more than a few weeks. Of that only 5% will make it. 90% die within an hour. Did that answer your questions?

We wear other colors. Not just black.

Yes, we do prefer red wine over white.

No, I won’t answer questions about THAT.

Yes, Werewolf blood does taste sort of like Bourbon.

Yes, we do get married to other Vampires. No we don’t marry regular people (not anymore, it never works out)

No we don’t marry Werewolves. What is wrong with you?

No, I will not show you my teeth.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

I posted it all above because most people were not clicking on the link to go to the other page. So much for reblogs. You’ll thank me for it later.

Vampire Maman

Answers to stupid questions regular folks ask about Vampires:

This is not my bed. I don't sleep in a box. This is not my bed. I don’t sleep in a box.

No, bats don’t make good pets. They’ll die. Don’t do it.

No, we don’t tear people’s throats out. Think of the mess. And seriously do you rip the door off of your refrigerator every time you get something to eat? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

No, I don’t sleep in a coffin. I really want one of the Sleep Number beds.

Yes, we are sensitive to light. Thank you for asking and pass the sunscreen.

Yes, sometimes we do eat real food (we need fiber just like you).

Yes, we do have paranormal powers. No I won’t tell you about them.

Ask a Werewolf if you want to know about Werewolves.

No, garlic will not kill us. Now your breath… that is another issue.

No, a cross will not burn…

View original post 312 more words

Answers to Questions about Vampires

Answers to stupid questions regular folks ask about Vampires:

This is not my bed. I don't sleep in a box.

This is not my bed. I don’t sleep in a box.

No, bats don’t make good pets. They’ll die. Don’t do it.

No, we don’t tear people’s throats out. Think of the mess. And seriously do you rip the door off of your refrigerator every time you get something to eat? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

No, I don’t sleep in a coffin. I really want one of the Sleep Number beds.

Yes, we are sensitive to light. Thank you for asking and pass the sunscreen.

Yes, sometimes we do eat real food (we need fiber just like you).

Yes, we do have paranormal powers. No I won’t tell you about them.

Ask a Werewolf if you want to know about Werewolves.

No, garlic will not kill us. Now your breath… that is another issue.

No, a cross will not burn us.

Yes, fire can kill us. Fire can kill you too.

Yes, if you destroy my heart or cut off my head I’ll die. So will you.

Yes, this is a real Rolex. I purchased it new in 1959.

Yes, cat blood is pretty nasty.

Yes, we do hunt vegans.

No, being a vegan will cause a Vampire to go into a coma for a very long time.

Because you’d kill us.

No, we usually just make them think they did. That’s why people love us and have so many fantasies about us.

No, we can’t have biological children with a regular human.

No, less than 10% of humans turned into vampires survive more than a few weeks. Of that only 5% will make it. 90% die within an hour. Did that answer your questions?

We wear other colors. Not just black.

Yes, we do prefer red wine over white.

No, I won’t answer questions about THAT.

Yes, Werewolf blood does taste sort of like Bourbon.

Yes, we do get married to other Vampires. No we don’t marry regular people (not anymore, it never works out)

No we don’t marry Werewolves. What is wrong with you?

No, I will not show you my teeth.

 

Vampire Teen

These answers were first posted in 2012 back when this blog only had about five readers.  So to you, my five friends, forgive me for running this again.

Since then I’ve published many more posts with answers to your questions about Vampires. I’ll be reposting some of them PLUS NEW ANSWERS and answers to your questions about Vampire Children (this is a thinly veiled parenting blog.)

I you have any burning red hot questions  (or red cold) about Vampires please ask away. I’m here for you. That is why I’m writing this blog.

Have a good week everyone. Only 23 days until Halloween!

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

You asked and we answered (more answers about Vampires)

Answers About Vampires

Yes, if we’re on the grid we’re required to get health insurance under the affordable insurance law. I know, I know, I know, but that is just the way it is.

Yes, if we’re on the grid we file income taxes – just like everyone else.

No I can’t (won’t) turn you into a Vampire.

Yes, I am one of the best but the answer is still no.

The answer will always be no.

Yes, the blog does have a slightly new look for 2014. I’m still working on it.

You’re right, we’re not above Rick Rolling. Bahahahahaha.

No, you can’t domesticate a bat. No, it isn’t a good idea to dress a bat in cute little clothes. What the Hell are you smoking today?

No, Vampires don’t eat people. We drink their blood. Zombies eat people.

According to the Werewolves I know they don’t eat people either (but we all know that like cats, Werewolves are liars.)

Yes indeed Vampires love screw with the minds of Time Travelers. Then again, we love to screw with the minds of just about everyone, from any time, all the time.

Of course we’re sophisticated. Did you expect anything less?

I can’t tell you that.

No.

No.

No.

Yes the 80’s were crazy! But we had so much fun. What were you saying about big hair and shoulder pads? No, not the 1980’s. I was talking about bustles and tight corsets, you know, the 1880’s.

Most Vampire Hunters wouldn’t know a real Vampire if it bit them on the neck.

They also wouldn’t know their ass from a hole in the ground but that is an entirely different post.

Yes my husband IS the sexiest man alive, or sort of alive. He’s a Vampire what do you want me to say?

Yes I like to wear black. I’m wearing black right now.

All in all, most Vampires can be very sweet. OK sort of sweet. It depends on what kind of mood you catch us in. Don’t surprise a Vampire or ask it too many questions. Do yourself a favor and just don’t do it.

If you met me in person you would never know. And I would never let you know.

Vampire Maman

Have a good weekend everyone … and stay curious.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

More answers (about Modern Vampires)

I’m nice to all of my donors. Yes, donors are people I get blood from.

You have to be practical. Given the choice would you rather scare the crap out of someone and hide in their closet OR would you rather have a glass of wine and seduce them with friendship and kindness? And don’t tell me you’d rather hide in the closet. When you scare people is when accidents happen. That is when injuries happen, blood stains, ugly stuff all around. It is just so uncool.

Yes, sometimes it is all about the seduction. Come on, we’re Vampires. What did you expect?

It isn’t like that.

No, I won’t tell you.

Dead flowers are more of a Zombie thing. Or just a ghoulish thing. We (Vampires) like all things wonderful and comfortable.

I love the color red. Red is the main color in my decorating schemes.

No, I don’t have one of those bordello looking bedrooms. Give me a break. I said I like red, not tacky.

Modern mixed with some choice older items.

OK I know, you want to talk about Vampire stuff, but we like our homes.

And for the 150th time we don’t live in crypts. Seriously? Do you think any trendy teen would want to live in a crypt? Do you think I’d want to live in a crypt? Where would I put my shoes?

My fangs are extremely sharp.

Healthy Vampires do not leave marks. Don’t worry, it isn’t like a hickey either – so nobody will know.

Baby Vampires are extremely cute.

No, we don’t turn regular human children into Vampires. Not only is it wrong, but it won’t work. They have to at least hit puberty and it always works better when they’re grown. We don’t take this sort of thing lightly.

Yes, if I wanted your blood I could, and would take it. Period. End of story. You can’t resist. You can’t run. You can’t hide. But why would you want to? Vampires are so completely and totally charming for the most part – at least when we’re hungry. The rest of the time we’re just like you (busy and wondering why you didn’t get more sleep and looking for coffee.)

Yes, again, all Vampires have A Positive blood. I don’t know how it all works.

My cats are not Vampires. They would be if they could, but they aren’t. Honestly, I don’t think they care as long as I keep their food bowl full and open and close the door for them at least 45 times a day.

We’re extremely sensitive to sun.

We do wear dark glasses.

We DO like to dress up. It’s a Vampire thing.

For the 100th time…WE DO NOT HAVE BIG RUMBLES WITH WEREWOLVES. We just don’t. Why in the world would we want to get together in the woods or wherever and fight it out with a bunch of dogs. Really now, get serious. We’re not always the best of friends with Werewolves as a lot, but we live together.  They think we’re weird and we think they’re weirder. Sure there have been scuffles. I still have a scar on my neck where I was attacked by one a while back, but it was a slight misunderstanding. All in all Werewolves can be, well, dogs, but most are pretty smart and far more conservative in their habits than most Vampires. That is why I don’t mind if my kids hang with Werewolves. And if you’ve misplaced anything, a Werewolf will be able to find it for you.

And yes, Werewolf blood tastes like bourbon.

Yes, most Werewolves are either total Geeks or artistically inclined. There are a lot of musicians in the lot too. They do the blues like, well, howling wolves with broken wolf hearts.

Yes, Vampires will hold a grudge. For a long long long time.

And no, I will not answer questions about how to kill Vampires.

Yes, we’ll post more Vampire cocktail recipes.

We do have our own Vampire governing bodies, but they aren’t a bunch of nasty looking folks who haven’t changed their hair or clothes in 400 years. It is all rather diplomatic and unexciting, and it works. We’re Modern Vampires.

Have a good week, and keep your feet off of my red couch.

Vampire Maman

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

The Answer Will Always Be NO (listen to the cat and the Vampire)

The answer will ALWAYS be NO.

nonono

Now, right NOW, go to your Smart Phone. I know you all have the Talking Tom App. Touch the cat’s feet. NO NO NO.

If you don’t have Talking Tom (you should) go to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgsZx5EOeAU (or go to the apple store to get it for free.)

There are some questions that only have one answer. That answer is NO.

Below are some of those questions.

 

I want to be a Vampire. Can you tell me how?

NO NO NO

I want to meet Vampires.

NO NO NO

I think I’m a Vampire

NO NO NO (You’d know if you are a Vampire. Just like you’d know if you’re a turtle.)

I’m over 30 and want to still shop in the Juniors section.

NO NO NO OMG NOOOOOOOOOOOO

I want a tattoo of a rat running across my chest.

WTF? Are you kidding me? NO NO NO

Should I buy that Vintage Pinto? It is really cute and gets good mileage.

NO NO NO

Should I get a Pixie cut?

NO NO NO

Should I get another dog (I already have 4).

NO NO NO

When my teens ask “Mom I want to…”:

  1. Dye my hair pink (blue, red, neon yellow etc etc).
  2. Get skull jeans.
  3. Drive YOUR car.
  4. Turn my friends into Vampires
  5. Fall in love before I graduate from college
  6. Get married before I graduate from college
  7. Go back packing in Europe without any adults (you’re only 16)
  8. Go to the concert (fill in the blank for bands) without an adult, and by the way it is in San Francisco and on a Monday night.
  9. Pierce something that is not my ear.
  10. Get gages.
  11. Enter an eating contest.
  12. Have a pet alligator
  13. Get another cat in addition to the two ingrates we already have (NO NO NO)
  14. Get a drum set.
  15. Jump off the Salmon Falls Bridge (Google it).
  16. Date someone more than 2 years older or younger than me.
  17. Read 50 Shades of Gray (that answer applies to everyone).
  18. Read The Bridges of Madison County (that answer applies to everyone).
  19. Skip college.
  20. Drink with my friends – I don’t care if adults are there, the answer is NO!
  21. Smoke Pot (NO NO NO and it doesn’t do anything to Vampires but make them smell bad and it makes everyone else stupid).
  22. Wear red pants.
  23. Bring home donors (aka food – this is a Vampire thing. Don’t suck blood where you sleep.)
  24. Dress all black and gothic (this isn’t Beetlejuice kids).
  25. Keep bats in the attic.
  26. Date someone you (mom & dad) don’t like.
  27. Sit on the roof of our house.
  28. Go to a tanning booth.
  29. Get a grill (ha! Just put that one in to be funny)
  30. Learn to pole dance.
  31. Listen to Rihanna and consider her a role model.
  32. Eat loudly.
  33. Hey mom I’m putting up a Youtube video of me picking my nose.
  34. Sexting.

And the list could go on for about 34,000 more items. NO NO NO.

Listen to the cat.

 

Listen to your mom.

 

Listen to the Vampire.

Now, right NOW, go to your Smart Phone. I know you all have the Talking Tom App. Touch the cat’s feet. NO NO NO.

 

If you don’t have Talking Tom (you should) go to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgsZx5EOeAU

talkingtom