A Very Vampire Birthday

October 23, 1859

I was born on that day, the last child of a family of interesting characters. Since then I’ve had many adventures both alone and with others.

This day was low key with only the small adventures of daily life.

My mind is full of a busy week ahead. It is full of stories I want to share. It is full of stories I’ll be living. My brain of full of mystery and adventures I have ahead of me. I’m going off into unknown territory. But aren’t we all.

Life is full of adventures. Last night I was telling my mom about all the times I’ve traveled alone and explored unknown placed. I’ve thought of adventures with both friends, and strangers.

This will be a week of adventures both externally and internally. I feel like it is the start of a new chapter. It is the chapter where my character finally comes into her own. There will be surprises for our Heroine Juliette, and in the end of a story sprinkled with humor, romance, and mystery, there will be a grand surprise and plot twists that will absolutely knock you out of your seat.

That isn’t just this blog. That is real life. Live like you create, and create as you wish to live.

Of course, having my faithful readers (all six of you) makes it seem like a party every single day of the year. Thank you.

xoxox

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Oscar the cat enjoying my art

Oscar the cat enjoying my artwork.

 

We’re more like you than they are.

As Vampires we can genuinely say we are like you, or that we were once like you. We live in your neighborhoods. Our kids go to school with yours. We see you late at night at the liquor store. We say hello to you as we walk our dogs. You don’t know we’re Vampires, but we’re there, cold and comforting, as your neighbors and friends.

I bring this up because all over the country, both locally and nationally, humans are running for various political offices. On every level it is a regular haunted house, mixed with the most disturbing of freak shows. Where is Peter Cushing? We need him to come in as Van Helsing and save the day. OK maybe that was a bad example, considering I’m talking about why you are more like me (a Vampire), than say, the creatures running for President (and other offices.)

Unlike most people you know these people running for office speak in shouting voices. They spew insults. They drone on like backwoods preachers with rattle snakes and the fear of God in their souls. But even the most in touch politician talks in that weird way. I don’t get it. Ted Talk speakers don’t yell that way. When you go to hear your favorite author, college professor, or even business leaders talk – they don’t speak that way.

Some among those running for office, and their families have faces like slick death masks frozen with Botox and fillers. Kristen Stewart showed more expression in Twilight than these odd-looking beings who fear their faces will crack if they laugh or have a genuine smile. At least the actress who played Bella (who loved the creepy sparkly Vampire) can smile a like a normal human.

“I might be undead,” said my friend Jayne, “but at least I don’t look embalmed.”

From local to national politics I’d like to see them all wear masks at their debates like the Twilight Zone episode. At the end of the debate they all remove their masks and we’ll see who keeps his own face and who resembles the horrific mask he hides behind.

Those who run for office and their spouses beg for privacy, but they shout “look at me, look at me.” Like little children they get angry when you miss one of their tricks, and fail to clap and shower them with excited praise.

Some of them are like the half-grown boy who yells, “watch this” as he jumps off the cliff and breaks his neck. It amazes me that some of them fail to think about the fact that they are in the public eye, then they give us the best deer-in-the-headlights look when they’re caught behaving badly.

How often than not are they taking money that isn’t theirs to take. How often is one cheating on a spouse, or taking advantage of a young man or woman – all the while talking loudly of high morals, God, and family values.

There are so many ways they aren’t like real people. They’re weird and creepy in ways even Vampires can’t imagine.

They don’t drive. Seriously, a lot of them never drive.

They’re obsessed with the sex lives of others.

They’re obsessed with where people pee.

They’re obsessed with a brand of religion that most people don’t relate to.

None of them run down to Safeway late at night because they forgot to pick up cat food. Nor do they get excited about new lip gloss from Target with their teens. Do they talk with their teens? Do they really?

Their kids don’t drive the beat up old family car that mom finally traded in for something nice.

They can’t just chill on the deck with a glass of wine and a few good friends, and not talk about work or politics.

They don’t drag their garbage cans out to the street once a week, and stop to talk to their neighbors about why the dog is wearing a cone of shame.

The don’t clean out their own gutters when it rains, or shovel their own snow, or scrape ice off of those cars they don’t drive on cold mornings.

They don’t stay up late at night worrying about their adult kids who can’t find jobs, and their elderly parents who can’t take care of themselves anymore.

They don’t know how we live.

They are so far removed from reality that…well, you have more in common with a Vampire. At least we remember what it was like to be real, and for the most part we live more like you, more genuine and real, than they do.

Yes, so many politicians went to private schools and are insanely wealthy, but this isn’t about money. Bill Gates is richer than all of them but he knows how you live. If you had a beer with him he would seem like a real guy (I’m going to assume, I’ve seen him speak a couple of times.) But you know where I’m going with this. The cult of personality has taken over the wisdom of true leaders. Special interests have taken over everything. Huge egos enter the room like dinosaurs who are loud, but not of our time. They speak of a past that doesn’t exist. Even dinosaurs knew better, even with their small reptilian brains.

By the way, did I mention that Zombies are afraid of them?

At lease we (Vampire) know what we are. At least we’re honest about it.

A Vampire will never tell you to be afraid, then point the finger to someone who is not like you.

A Vampire will never betray you.

A Vampire will always appreciate the blood they take, and contrary to popular belief, most Vampires will never drain every drop of blood from your body. Find a politician who will want to leave you a drop of blood.

And Vampires care. You don’t have to vote for us to get our love. We love you just as your are. Really, we do.

We’re more like you than they are.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

 

Ask Juliette: Feeling Blue, Looking Orange, Finding Waldo, Vampire Cats, and Poe

Ask Juliette (Ask A Vampire – Advice for Everyone) is a regular Thursday feature here on Vampire Maman. These are all real questions from real readers. If you have questions about anything (and I mean anything) send me a note at juliettevampiremom @ gmail .com

An old illustration I started for a Poe story. I've always liked it. That's all.

An old illustration I started for a Poe story. I’ve always liked it. That’s all.

 

Dear Juliette,

I finally worked up the courage to ask… or say something about many different things. I go through a lot every day, as do most people. Let me begin my saying, I’m someone who suffers from bouts of depression. It’s something I’ve only recently been able to talk about with people. This step I’ve taken, I somewhat regret. I placed my trust in people who I now think don’t like talking about it. It leaves me in a place of deeper loneliness and on top of that, life isn’t slowing down. I stress about my life all the time and people who constantly surround me make me feel guilty for choosing a path that helps me with my depression.

These two groups are friends and family. I’ve trimmed my friends a great number. The friends I have now, I consider dear to my heart, but sometimes, when they avoid talking about something weighing me down, I wonder, do I matter to them as much as they matter to me? And my family, well… what can I say… To them, it’s like a cold. Take medicine, sleep it off, and the morning next, I should be fine.

Taking this all into consideration, what do you think I should do to keep myself from falling down the rabbit hole I’ve only so recently climbed out of?

~ Sincerely, Not Alice

 

Dear Not Alice,

I saw your email in the wee hours of the morning. It really moved me.

The fact that you’ve recognized that you have depression and that you are dealing with it is something you should be proud of. It is never easy. It is a huge step.

A lot of people never talk about it to others. There is still a stigma about depression. It is uncomfortable to deal with for everyone.

It is never easy for others to hear someone suffers from depression. People tend to not want to talk about health issues, especially mental health, because it makes them uncomfortable.

The one thing being a creative person teaches you is to face rejection. It also teaches you to dig deeper inside of yourself than most people can ever imagine. I want you to know that. It doesn’t mean rejection gets easier, it just means you’ll learn to handle it better than most people – and not take it personally.

Is it going to be easy? Absolutely not. Are there going to be rewards. Absolutely YES.

In life there are those people who have a five-year plan. There are those who know at age 20 what they’ll be doing at age 30. And you know what? Life happens. Companies fold, people die, opportunities happen, people fall in love, or you just change your mind. Take it all, take everything, as an experience to learn and grow.

Be good to yourself. Have fun with yourself. Love yourself. Be your own best friend.

At the same time know that your friends and family who are there for you LOVE YOU. Yes, they do. Sometimes it is just hard to show it in the ways you want them to. Not only do they want you to be happy but they want to see you happy. Show them a smile. Tell them something positive. Make it a habit. I know it sounds like Sunday/Kindergarten stuff but it works.

The one thing I can tell you, from my own experience, is to never embrace Depression. Do not be kind to it. Do not consider it your friend. Do not see it as part of you. It is not who you are. Depression isn’t like a cold. You don’t just get over it. But you can learn to give it the middle finger and be strong.

I bet you have more talent in your little finger than most people have in their entire bodies. So seek out inspiration, new experiences, and things that make your happy. Don’t worry so much what others think. They aren’t you.

So what should you do to keep out of the rabbit hole?
Be good to yourself.
Treat yourself.
Keep active.
Most of all keep creative.
Find new activities (and new friends)
Don’t be a hermit.
Know that you are not defined by depression.
Know that you are loved.
Get professional help if you feel you need it.
Learn from your experiences and mistakes (and learn from the experiences and mistakes of others.)
And learn from your own success. Celebrate your success, even the small things.
I’m not an expert or a medical professional. I’m just someone with a lot of life experience who observes and records everything in the crammed small space I call my brain.

Take a deep breath. One day you’ll look back and want to hug the younger you. So go ahead and give yourself that hug now. I know it is hard. It is really hard. But you’re on the right path. Just keep going. Never stop.

Hugs ~ Juliette

moth

Dear Juliette,

My cat has recently taken to vampirism. At first he was noshing nightly on rats and raccoons, but over the past month he’s gone and drained poor Aunt Milly dry. We buried her last week. What’s to be done? And should we expect Aunt Milly back?

~ Guy with a Cat

 

Dear Guy,

Bad kitty.

I consulted with my friend Adam, who also just happens to be a Werewolf and expert on shape changers.

It looks like Aunty Milly might come back but as a rare North American Werelynx. I doubt if your kitty did all of the blood draining. He had help. Werelynx frequently hand out with house kitties and their unsuspecting owners. Aunt Milly might do quiet well under the full moon with her new beautiful fur, tufted ears, and take-no-shit attitude. Keep me posted and let me know what happens. And remember to keep some rabbits or raw meat around so she won’t be tempted to eat any family members.

~ Juliette

Lynx, Werelynx

 

Dear Juliette,

Can vampires get a suntan?

~ Malibu Barbie

 

Dear Barbie,

Unfortunately no. Even Vampires of color are sensitive to the sun. We buy sunscreen by the gallon. When we’re in the sun we can get violently ill. My son had problems with that in high school. I was always going up to school to pick him up until I had a serious talk with the PE coach. Thank goodness they only have to have PE for the first two years.

Believe it or not, Vampire don’t tan but we do get amazing freckle blooms. That is something most people don’t know.

Spray tan sounds like a logical option for Vampires who want that just-back-from vacation-in-Arizona-glow. But, being the stylish and classy creatures we are, we don’t spray tan. I mean, seriously, look at a certain orange buffoon running for president and his tacky orange wife. Yikes. They’re scary monsters to say the least.

~ Juliette

Annoying_orange_meme
Dear Juliette,

Can Vampires diet?

~ Skinny

 

Dear Skinny,

Sure, but why?

~ Juliette

 

I added this image of Vincent Price just because he is smoking HOT.

I added this image of Vincent Price just because he is smoking HOT.

 

Dear Juliette,

Where is Waldo?

~ Still Looking

 

Dear Still Looking,

With the Goblin King.

~ Juliette

Goblin King

 

Dear Juliette,

Did you know Edgar Allen Poe?

~ Fan of Eddie

 

Dear Fan of Eddie,

No, he died before I was born.

Edgar Poe – January 19, 1809 – October 7, 1849

Juliette Kings – October 23, 1859 – Not Dead Yet.

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Dear Juliette,

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

I already answered this burning question in a previous post but here it is again.
Dear Juliette,

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

~ Tongue Tied

 

Dear Tongue Tied,

Really? Woodchucks?

If a woodchuck could chuck wood it wouldn’t be much. They have little bitty arms and can’t throw logs like some great big Vampire guy could. I’d say after a hefty pile of kindling, say about a twenty-five gallon drum full the poor little critter would be exhausted for a week.

~ Juliette

Look at those tiny little woodchuck arms.

Look at those tiny little woodchuck arms.

 

That is it for this week. Thank you everyone for all of the questions. I hope I’ve been able to help. If you have a burning question about life, parenting, relationships, mysterious stuff, paranormal, Vampires or ANYTHING for next week just email me at juliettevampiremom @ gmail .com

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

EricDahlin-CuteCrow'

When boys get sappy

Clara: “Hey Mom, I hate it when boys get all sappy.”

Me: “Tell him shut the Efron up.”

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

 

vm_rick

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Note: My fifteen year old daughter and I were talking about movies and, well, puns happen. It is what we do. Talk and laugh with your teens – it is the best time you’ll ever spend.

Real Men

From my husband (exact quote): “Real men wax their cars, not their chests.”

I'm not Juliette's husband. I'm another Vampire guy with a hairy chest and a great set of wheels. Let me drive you all night baby.

I’m not Juliette’s husband. I’m another Vampire guy with a hairy chest and a great set of wheels. Let me drive you all night baby.