Short Story Sunday: Baker Beach

Some of you might have read this one before – I’ll have a brand new story next week. It is Easter today so I’m giving you this little egg of a story to crack – full of surprise, humor, love, and everyday adventure. Have fun.

Baker Beach

Max heard the Nessun dorma ringtone and groaned. It was his brother Andy. It was an emergency. He could sense it.

He picked up and listened.

“Max, thank God you’re there. I’m by Baker Beach. Some asshole redneck in a truck sideswiped me. The car is totaled. Can you get out here? Right now.”

Max untangled himself from the woman next to him and sat up. “Are you ok?”

“I’m fine. Like I said, the car is totaled.”

“Call AAA. I’ll call Uber and get you a ride home.”

“You don’t understand man. I have someone locked in the trunk and he is pissed off.”

———-

Andy watched at the back end of his car became even more mangled by the violent pounding from the occupant he’d locked in the trunk. The noise was even worse.

“Stop it NOW,” he yelled, “or I’ll drain every drop of blood from your body, stuff your pathetic putrid smelling carcass and sell it to the highest bidder.”

Than banging and howling stopped right at the moment Max drove up.

He got out of the car. A woman got out of the passenger side. Like Max, she was dressed in black from head to toe.

“Mehitabel, you look beautiful. What are you doing with my brother?”

She smiled and kissed Andy on the cheek. “Glad you’re not hurt. Who do you have in the trunk?”

Max went over to Andy’s car and kicked the bumper. The mangled trunk lid popped open.

“Holy fuck,” Max swore under his breath.

Mehitabel put her hand over her nose and mouth to keep out the stench. “Andy, this isn’t good.”

“I know, this is bad,” said Andy. “But it isn’t every day you find a Sasquatch.”

——————-

After the car was towed and the sun started to come up, the three Vampires stopped at their favorite diner for breakfast. They’d all had their fill of blood the night before but coffee and eggs sounded good right then.

“Is this the fourth or fifth car you’ve totaled this year?” Max took a sip of coffee and shook his head at his brother.

“Second this year,” said Andy. “Hey, it wasn’t my fault.”

Mehitabel looked at the brothers. “So do you think he’ll be alright?”

“The Sasquatch? I don’t know. As long as he stays out of the city I think he’ll be fine,” said Max.

“This is San Francisco. Nobody would notice him,” said Andy.

Max smiled and put his hand on Mehitabel’s knee.

“You guys should get married. I’m serious,” said Andy.

Mehitabel almost spit out her coffee. Max took his hand off of her knee, then thought better of his action and put his hand back on her knee and gave a small squeeze. The waitress came by and poured more coffee.

I guess the moral of this story is that as long as you are always there for each other, don’t ask too many questions, and keep love in your hearts life will be good.

_____________

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Ask Juliette: Motivation for College Bound Teens, Swamp Apes, and New Books

Ask Juliette (Ask a Vampire – Advice for Everyone) is a regular Thursday feature on VampireMaman. If you have a questions about parenting, relationships, life, gardening, Vampires, Werewolves, paranormal stuff, art, creativity, history – or just about ANYTHING – just ask and I’ll do my best to answer. And why yes, these questions are from my readers. Send your questions to juliettevampiremom @ gmail dot com.

arthurrackhamcrowmice

 

My daughter keeps putting off studying for her next ACT test and was supposed to have some essays started for her college admission applications by now. How do I approach her about this next time without her shouting, “I KNOW MOM!!!” every time I have asked her about it this summer?

THIS is one of those overwhelmingly difficult questions. I don’t have a guaranteed fix for this. I do have a few suggestions.

Older teens are almost adults but not quite. Some are super excited about going on to college, trade schools, or into jobs, but for most it is like a great abyss of the unknown staring in front of them. If they join the military or a religious order a lot of the work is done for them. But for the rest is isn’t so black and white. There is a lot of gray.

A lot of kids have a difficult time being motivated because they are, plain and simple, feeling overwhelmed.

If you look at most SAT, ACT prep books it will make your head spin. The same goes for college essays. College essays are especially difficult because it is hard for most people to write about themselves. There is pressure to sound real, but sound smart, and sound perfect, but not too perfect, and the list goes on.

Talk with your daughter. Help her come up with a plan. She should schedule quiet time just for studying the SAT or working on her essay. Set aside the time in a quiet place. Even get special snacks for it (teens love their snacks.) Make sure everyone else in the house know this is her time and respect it.

Discuss the essay questions with her. Discuss college and the school. Build her up and let her know you’re with her on this. Help her find her passion and the spark by brainstorming with her. You don’t have to write it for her but make sure she knows she isn’t alone in this.

My daughter found a fun app called something like SAT Question of The Day. Each day there is a question and you can go back and see previous questions. It is a lot of fun. We played it together whenever we were in the car, or just hanging out. It is fun even if you aren’t taking the test.

Also let her know that what she has to say is as important as any other student. She might not have been working on a cure for cancer, or a new engine that runs on grass clippings, but she has done wonderful things. No kid is perfect. Colleges aren’t looking for perfect. They are looking for a voice with passion, and honesty, and the desire to learn.

I asked my own seventeen year old high school senior about this. Her response was, “It is all on the kid. If they don’t want to do it then that isn’t on the parent. It is their future. If they don’t care there isn’t anything you can do about it.” She is a hard one, that daughter of mine.

 

 

I love your blog and stories, especially the stories about your brothers, Tellias and Eleora the Elders, the Ghost, and the Austin and Elizabeth stories. Why don’t you make them into books? You’re so talented. You’d have a string of best sellers.

Oh shucks, gosh, and a big sigh. Good question. Uncomfortable question. Please see the pervious question. Yes, I need to do that. I need to start TODAY. I mean, yes, I already have thousands of pages already written. How come I’m not doing it? Because something is seriously wrong with me. Seriously.

The good news is that I am working on a novel which features Nigel, The Ghost as one of the main characters. I’m not in it, but I might make a Hitchcock, Cussler, Tarantino sort of cameo appearance.

But yes, but then again I’m a flake, then again I really need to do this, not just for me but for my characters, and most of all for my readers. I WANT to do it. Just keep talking me into it. And snacks. No, maybe not snacks (I don’t need extra company.)

Moth

The following isn’t a question just a comment to a comment.

Skunk Ape hood ornaments: they’re what all the fashionable Vampires are accessorizing their vehicles with this year.

I was wondering what the Hell my friend Matthew had on his car. A Skunk Ape. Holy Crap.

I’m skipping that trend because A) it will soon be unfashionable as we know Vampires are rather fickle, B) it would look silly on a Ford Fusion, C) it is a Skunk Ape.

There is always a lot of discussion around these parts about large hairy non-bear, primate-like, human-like creatures who walk the forests, swamps, and mountains of North America, and other parts of the known universe. In this I also include things like The Jersey Devil, and Moth Man. Well, maybe not Moth Man. Most of us know this creature as Big Foot or Sasquatch.

A Skunk Ape is a Big Foot who lives in Florida. They are super stinky, like bad cabbage. Sometimes they are called Cabbage Man or Cabbage Ape. Stay out of my basement Skunk Ape.

My favorite book about these creatures is Naked Came the Sasquatch by John Boston. I LOVE this book. Of course it is funny.
https://www.amazon.com/Naked-Came-Sasquatch-John-Boston-ebook/dp/B00NB1POO2

Moth

Thanks again everyone for your questions/comments. See you next Thursday with more. If you have a burning question send me a message at juliettevampiremom @ gmail .com (take out the spaces, I put them in to prevent spammers, bots, and trolls)

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

I’ll answer your questions AND tell you a story.

Tomorrow is Thursday which means you have a few more hours to get in your questions for the next Ask Juliette (Ask A Vampire, Advice for Everyone).

Put your questions in the comment section RIGHT HERE. If you’re shy you may email me at juliettevampiremom @ gmail dot com.

Please submit all questions by midnight tonight. (PST)

In the meantime I’m swamped, so to delight and entertain you today I’m posting a story about my brothers Max and Andy. You might have seen it before, but maybe not. Enjoy.

Ask Juliette

Baker Beach

Max heard the Nessun dorma ringtone and groaned. It was his brother Andy. It was an emergency. He could sense it.

He picked up and listened.

“Max, thank God you’re there. I’m by Baker Beach. Some asshole redneck in a truck sideswiped me. The car is totaled. Can you get out here? Right now.”

Max untangled himself from the woman next to him and sat up. “Are you ok?”

“I’m fine. Like I said, the car is totaled.”

“Call AAA. I’ll call Uber and get you a ride home.”

“You don’t understand man. I have someone locked in the trunk and he is pissed off.”

———-

Andy watched at the back end of his car became even more mangled by the violent pounding from the occupant he’d locked in the trunk. The noise was even worse.

“Stop it NOW,” he yelled, “or I’ll drain every drop of blood from your body, stuff your pathetic putrid smelling carcass and sell it to the highest bidder.”

Than banging and howling stopped right at the moment Max drove up.

He got out of the car. A woman got out of the passenger side. Like Max, she was dressed in black from head to toe.

“Mehitabel, you look beautiful. What are you doing with my brother?”

She smiled and kissed Andy on the cheek. “Glad you’re not hurt. Who do you have in the trunk?”

Max went over to Andy’s car and kicked the bumper. The mangled trunk lid popped open.

“Holy fuck,” Max swore under his breath.

Mehitabel put her hand over her nose and mouth to keep out the stench. “Andy, this isn’t good.”

“I know, this is bad,” said Andy. “But it isn’t every day you find a Sasquatch.”

——————-

After the car was towed and the sun started to come up, the three Vampires stopped at their favorite diner for breakfast. They’d all had their fill of blood the night before but coffee and eggs sounded good right then.

“Is this the fourth or fifth car you’ve totaled this year?” Max took a sip of coffee and shook his head at his brother.

“Second this year,” said Andy. “Hey, it wasn’t my fault.”

Mehitabel looked at the brothers. “So do you think he’ll be alright?”

“The Sasquatch? I don’t know. As long as he stays out of the city I think he’ll be fine,” said Max.

“This is San Francisco. Nobody would notice him,” said Andy.

Max smiled and put his hand on Mehitabel’s knee.

“You guys should get married. I’m serious,” said Andy.

Mehitabel almost spit out her coffee. Max took his hand off of her knee, then thought better of his action and put his hand back on her knee and gave a small squeeze. The waitress came by and poured more coffee.

I guess the moral of this story is that as long as you are always there for each other, don’t ask too many questions, and keep love in your hearts life will be good.

_____________

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Short Story Sunday: Baker Beach

Max heard the Nessun dorma ringtone and groaned. It was his brother Andy. It was an emergency. He could sense it.

He picked up and listened.

“Max, thank God you’re there. I’m by Baker Beach. Some asshole redneck in a truck sideswiped me. The car is totaled. Can you get out here? Right now.”

Max untangled himself from the woman next to him and sat up. “Are you ok?”

“I’m fine. Like I said, the car is totaled.”

“Call AAA. I’ll call Uber and get you a ride home.”

“You don’t understand man. I have someone locked in the trunk and he is pissed off.”

———-

Andy watched at the back end of his car became even more mangled by the violent pounding from the occupant he’d locked in the trunk. The noise was even worse.

“Stop it NOW,” he yelled, “or I’ll drain every drop of blood from your body, stuff your pathetic putrid smelling carcass and sell it to the highest bidder.”

Than banging and howling stopped right at the moment Max drove up.

He got out of the car. A woman got out of the passenger side. Like Max, she was dressed in black from head to toe.

“Mehitabel, you look beautiful. What are you doing with my brother?”

She smiled and kissed Andy on the cheek. “Glad you’re not hurt. Who do you have in the trunk?”

Max went over to Andy’s car and kicked the bumper. The mangled trunk lid popped open.

“Holy fuck,” Max swore under his breath.

Mehitabel put her hand over her nose and mouth to keep out the stench. “Andy, this isn’t good.”

“I know, this is bad,” said Andy. “But it isn’t every day you find a Sasquatch.”

——————-

After the car was towed and the sun started to come up, the three Vampires stopped at their favorite diner for breakfast. They’d all had their fill of blood the night before but coffee and eggs sounded good right then.

“Is this the fourth or fifth car you’ve totaled this year?” Max took a sip of coffee and shook his head at his brother.

“Second this year,” said Andy. “Hey, it wasn’t my fault.”

Mehitabel looked at the brothers. “So do you think he’ll be alright?”

“The Sasquatch? I don’t know. As long as he stays out of the city I think he’ll be fine,” said Max.

“This is San Francisco. Nobody would notice him,” said Andy.

Max smiled and put his hand on Mehitabel’s knee.

“You guys should get married. I’m serious,” said Andy.

Mehitabel almost spit out her coffee. Max took his hand off of her knee, then thought better of his action and put his hand back on her knee and gave a small squeeze. The waitress came by and poured more coffee.

I guess the moral of this story is that as long as you are always there for each other, don’t ask too many questions, and keep love in your hearts life will be good.

_____________

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

I’m going to write to you…

Excuse me while I kiss this guy. What is that about?” I heard Cody’s voice.

I could hear my husband Teddy laughing. “No, Excuse me while I kiss the sky.

He was in the living room with my brother Val and our friend Cody talking about, what else, misunderstood lyrics.

Now Teddy had to show off, “Juliette thought Bryan Adams was singing I’m going to write to you.

I had to defend my reputation, “Hey, it was 1984. People still wrote letters.” Until a few months to ago I thought the lyrics I’m going to run to you were I’m going to write to you. 

I’ve been overhearing and slipping into a lot of conversations lately that seem like I’m just sitting on the edge waiting to slip off and slip away.

Yesterday while at my daughter’s skating practice I overheard some of the spectators talking about how good it was to see all of the children there. We’ve had a lack of kids lately.  One of them said something to me about the boys. It was the the Uber Type A Aggressive mom. Every club of any sort involving children has one of those. I mentioned to her  that it was good to see so many boys in the club now. She mentioned that the thirteen year old male was rude to her girls. I said that all of the little girls pester the jeebers out of the poor kid. That is what little girls do – if there is a boy around. I didn’t blame him for being rude all things considering. I’ve overheard the girls complaining about the said boy, but honestly look at what your daughters say to the kid. Besides that they won’t leave him alone. What is the poor boy to do? No matter what he does they do their best to bother him.

Then Aggressive Mom says, “Which little girls?”

I wanted to tell her, “Why, madam, your bratty little tattle tale princesses pester the crap out of that poor young man.” But instead I said, “All of the girls do it. That is what little girls do.”

Yes, I’m always glad to keep them wondering, least I didn’t spew out vulgar language, as much as I’d love to. And I mean I’d really love to.

I thought now that my daughter is a teenager and my son in college that I would be done with annoying parents. God knows elementary school was full of psycho parents from Hell. You know who I’m talking about. Unfortunately I can’t show my fangs.

This morning some guys were out working on my house and I overheard them talking. I wasn’t really listening in but then my ears alerted me to “I’m tired of being a sugar daddy. Now I have a sugar mama.”

So back to my men.

Clara was upstairs doing homework (her nightly 3-4 hours) so I took a glass of wine and the bottle into the living room with the guys.

Val was talking about a couple he just met. He wants to be their Vampire, which means he wants to add them to his regular donor list. They’re youngish, in their thirties, with hipster style and a taste for microbrews, Beat Poets, and act as though they’ve single handily discovered vinyl records. They’re really sweet people, so says my brother. Both are type A+ blood, Val’s favorite (mine too.)

He had another interesting fact about them. They both want to go Big Foot hunting. Yes, Sasquatch hunting. Searching for the giant people of the old woods and mountains. I should have laughed but even I got the chills and could feel the hair stand up on my arms.

I’ll admit, that being a Vampire, I shouldn’t have this reaction. Sure I heard the stories going way back to when I was a child in the 1860’s. But back when I was a kid anything that moved was likely to be shot, so if the Sasquatch family was around they were shaved and wearing suits and hats, that is if they wanted to stay alive.

I can imagine if there are Big Foots they’d be masters of ease dropping and Tom Foolery.

Then Val mentioned that they would talk about their passion as if it were a huge secret but they’d tell everyone they met about it. That might have been their vetting system. I don’t know. I couldn’t imagine a guy in a waxed mustache and man bun out in the woods chasing around large hairy humanoids. I couldn’t imagine him chasing anything except a round of Brie that had fallen off the kitchen counter and rolled across the floor. But I might be wrong. I have to remember to assume nothing about everything.

“Did you ask them if they’d ever consider hunting Vampires?” I had to ask.

They all laughed.

Then I thought of another song…There’s a Bad Moon on the Rise.

You know, you know, YOU KNOW what everyone thinks THAT sounds like.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

strangereyes