Ask A Vampire

Ask A Vampire

Dear Juliette,

I want to become a Vampire in the worst way. How do I make it happen?

~ Still Warm

 

Dear Still Warm,

I can only compare your request to the plethora of candidates running for president. They have wild hopes and fantasies but few, if any, are truly qualified for the job.

I receive a lot of emails from people wanting to become Vampires. Really. I kid you not.

First of all most Vampires don’t go into this lightly, and a good portion don’t go in willingly.

Think of what you’d give up. Warmth. Sweet Rolls. Possibly your soul.

Reality isn’t what happens in the movies and most books. All Vampire guys aren’t the sexy beasts you see on book covers. Vampire women aren’t all vixens. Think of the fantasy versus reality.

If you think you’re different now imagine being different for centuries. I mean really different. Don’t forget too, that unless you want to be a nasty crypt dwelling Shadow Creeper, you still have to pay taxes, register your car, pay your bills, bring your dog to the vet for yearly shots, and do all of those tasks that are part of modern life. Unless you have unlimited resources there are no castles or dark lavish Queen Ann style Victorian houses for you. Plus the upkeep on those places is never ending.

Most new Vampires have no idea how gross humans really are. Summer is the worst. Just imagine biting into a hot sweaty salty neck. I don’t want to imagine it. Until you get a few trusted regulars in air conditioned surroundings… well, good luck on finding fine dining experiences.

The actual process of changing isn’t that easy either. It is horrible. Sure the pay offs can be great. Ask most of my friends about it. But it is an experience that will haunt your for years, maybe even centuries.

Do you know any Vampires? Have you hung out with them at any length of time? If you don’t already hang with Vampires you might want to seek some out and see if you even like them.

Think of what really attracts you to the idea of changing your biology and becoming an entirely different kind of mutated creature.

Just as an end note, not to kill your dreams and all but, only about ten percent of those who attempt to become Vampires actually make it. Most die. Of those who make it about half lose their souls. Is the risk of becoming an undead soulless creature something you’ve thought about? If you ask the wrong Vampire to change you without checking out your blood type, your physical and mental states, and many other factors you could be majorly screwed. Simple as that. Once you change you can’t go back. Once you’ve lost your soul… well, let’s just say it isn’t good.

~ Juliette

 

Dear Juliette,

My friend is fifty years old, beautiful, happy, successful, talented and delightful to be around.  I just don’t understand why she has never been married. She has had several long term relationships. Should I suggest a match maker?

~ Best Friend

 

Dear Best Friend,

I suggest you mind your own business and be happy for your friend. She obviously has make her own choices and like you said, is successful. Be her friend, not her nag.

~ Juliette

 

If you have a burning question for Juliette send it to juliettevampiremom@gmail dot com, with the words ASK A VAMPIRE in the subject line.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

A Vampire Looks Back on 2015 at Vampire Maman dot com

2015 was a year.

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My kids were almost perfect. Really, I’m not being one of those snotty perfect moms who make you want to puke and then stab them in the neck for being so snotty and perfect. My kids are great people. Much better than I’ll ever be or ever was. It was due to good genetics and a lot of long conversations about being a good person. It was a lot of work. OK some of it was not genetics considering how many crazy people are in our respective families. Yes, these people are NUTS.  We’re still trying to figure out if it is environment or genetics.

I keep saying (my mantra) that you have to TALK to your kids, LISTEN to them, and talk WITH them. You have to build that trust. You have to do it early – but it is never too late. That is what parenting is all about. Really, believe me on this one.

A confused Vampire of my acquaintance became much more popular than me in 2015. Yes, that would be Vlad. Yes, the Vampire Diary guy. I have to admit that he is cute. He is really cute. He is also sort of a jerk, former Vampire King that he is. That said you will be hearing more about his adjustment to modern life in 2016. Heaven help us all.

Oscar the cat enjoying my art

The cats were always around helping me out in 2015. The one pictured above is Oscar. He managed to get his face slashed open in February. You can see the scar in this photo  of him admiring my artwork.

In 2015 I didn’t write as many posts. I did write a few swell posts but ended up reposting old but worthy things from previous years.

Fortunately other people were writing and the WPaD group came out with the fabulous and exceptionally good Creepies 2. You should download your copy today if you haven’t already done it.

Creepies 2 - Best Horror Anthology of 2015

Creepies 2 – Best Horror Anthology of 2015

 

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2015 was a strange year for me. A lot was going on outside of the computer screen. My thoughts were someplace else. I’m sorry. I truly am, not just for you, my dear readers, but for me as well.

I appreciate all of the nice words you sent when my beautiful happy dog Jasmine passed over the Rainbow Bridge in October. Hugs.

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But I did put down some brilliant okay words here and there. A few of my favorite more serious posts were:

I've got the moves like Hagrid

I’ve got the moves like Hagrid

 

What is in the future of Vampire Maman you might ask? According to everything remotely pertaining to blog statistics the most popular posts are about love letters and romance. So I will follow the will of my readers (and random visitors) and post more on my one true area of expertise.

A lot of people come to this blog looking for Werewolves. Well, um, yes, you might find a few here. I’ll have to think about that one. The Werewolf posts get a load of traffic. Remember never to confuse a Werewolf with a Hot Dog. Or a dog faced boy for that matter.

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2015 brought too few posts about the Elders – the Ancient Vampires Tellias and Eleora. There were also too few posts about my brother Max. I promise you that I’ll keep you up on all of their adventures and/or misadventures.

I’ve also thought of doing an advice column. Slate didn’t hire me to replace the last Dear Prudence so I’m going to have to dole out advice right here. If you need questions answered see me first. Seriously. I have answers. I’m a Vampire, of course I have all the answers.

And naturally I will continue the Short Story Sunday feature. This includes more Austin and Elizabeth adventures.

A few of my favorite short stories of 2016 were:

I also had a few wonderful new guest posts from friends:

What other madness happened in 2015?

We visited old friends.

We visited old friends.

ROLLER SKATING. That was outside of this blog, in an alternate universe, but I posted about it anyway. We went to the National Championships in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Yes, we drove there and back from Sacramento and had quite the road trip. This is the story – click here. While there I also had the good fortune to meet, live and in person, the talented blogger and photographer Timothy Price.

THANK YOU to everyone who gave us so much support this year on the journey to the National Championships. THANK YOU.

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Aside from ROMANCE the other most popular subject on this blog is going to rock concerts with my teens. YES we went to the Van’s Warped Tour in Mountain View, California this summer. It was too much fun. We saw all sorts of great bands. Yes, I am the coolest mom in the world.

Never Shout Never Posters. Go Chris Drew.

Never Shout Never Posters. Go Chris Drew.

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Night Riots at 2015 Warped Tour - Mountain View, CA. Yes, I was there. It was awesome. I am the coolest mom ever.

Night Riots at 2015 Warped Tour – Mountain View, CA. Yes, I was there. It was awesome. I am the coolest mom ever.

And don’t forget the chalk art in Fremont Park (Sacramento) this year! Chalk it up again!

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I guess it was a very good year.

Sing it Frank.

That was fun but I like this one even more:

This one too.

Happy New Year. Feel free to sing and dance the night away.

I hope to entertain you more in 2016. And I know all of my blogging friends out there will continue to entertain me (thanks for the fun and inspiration.)

Oh, yes, and one more thing… Nigel THE GHOST is still around lurking in the shadows. You’ll hear more about him in 2016. I’m sure of it.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

A short essay on bullies

Think of all the time and energy bullies spend being obsessed with their victims. Think of all of the energy of that hate that could be channeled into something positive. Anything really, other than being obsessed with someone they deemed weaker, weirder, stupider, fatter, smaller, or just different in some way. Usually there isn’t a reason why a child is bullied. It is usually just a random act that builds into sort of a self-serving cult.

If you’ve been bullied just think of what an idiot the kids was who bullied you was. No doubt he or she still is. I doubt if they’ll even remember what they did. If they do they won’t feel bad about it. They’ll still blame you for their failures especially if you’re a success. Even if you aren’t. Their own self loathing is masked with self-indulgent feelings of superiority and then helplessness.

They’re nothing but defective worms. They are to be pitied. Then again, don’t waste your pity on them. Don’t carry the burdens of their actions with you. It hurt. It was wrong. It was wrong for adults to let it happen. But it is time for you to move on. You aren’t the asshole. The bullies don’t matter. They were the ones who spent the time to be obsessed by you, like evil perverse demonic fans. It was their loss, not yours.

And most of them, the bullies, have assholes for parents. Think about it.

You aren’t the asshole. Believe me on this one.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

fart joke

Vampire Diary: Resolutions

Dear Diary,

The diamond earrings went over well today. My Gillian is a happy Vampire. If Gillian is happy then I am happy. A Merry Christmas to me.

~ Vlad

 

_____________

 

Dear Diary,

What is all of this end of the year commotion? It is as if humanity wishes to forget the mistakes of the previous year and try to wash themselves clean. What strange rituals they will perform on midnight January 1st I do not know. Six hundred years ago I would have been able to tell you but now… now anything is possible.

~ Vlad

 

_____________

 

Dear Diary,

Tonight I walked along the streets past bars and clubs watching the people who stood in the doorways and sidewalks. Women and men smiled at me. I smiled back. The thrill of the hunt is almost as good as that first taste of blood on my tongue. Unlike the cat who uses her claws, I seduce my prey like a lover.

A young woman with a round face and long eyelashes asked me in a pretty voice what my New Year’s Resolutions were going to be?

Resolutions? This must be like a vow knights would take to keep their honor for the year. Honor. There is little of that among Vampires or most men for that matter.

There is nothing I could change or imagine doing better. It is the world that needs to become better.

She said she lived near by and invited me to walk her home. I could see in her eyes that she was nervous and excited. She told me her name was Samantha, not Sam. She told me that she thought I was cute. Of course she did. They always say I am cute. I just smiled and did not ask her what she meant by cute.

The apartment was upstairs in a home that had once been a grand mansion, now divided into four separate living quarters.

It was odd, the juxtaposed sadness from Samantha and the cheery apartment decorated with flowers and the colors of sunshine and blue skies.

She poured wine then asked, “Why would a guy who looks like you come home with a girl who looks like me?”

“You’re cute.” She reminded me of her cat with her bright eyes and round face. Cats are cute. Her hair was glossy and moved with her. “Where I come from no woman has hair as beautiful as yours. No woman lives alone in a place as lovely as this. Do you think you’re not worthy of the company of a man like me?”

A tear came down her cheek. “Maybe you should go.”

Suddenly something inside of me became colder than usual. “Sit down Samantha. Let us talk.”

So she talked of her hopes and dreams. She spoke of a man who had left her for another girl. She spoke of a man who ignored her. She spoke of being alone.

I looked into her big blue eyes and put her into a trance. Her neck was warm and her blood was hot. When I was done I let her sleep. But I did not go. I stayed. I do not know why.

An hour later she opened her eyes and looked at me, surprised I was still there.

“Did we?” She asked me.

“Did we what?” I asked back.

“Never mind. You’re still dressed. I’m still dressed.”

It was then I realized what she had asked. She spoke first. “Why are you still here Vlad?”

“I have nothing else to do tonight,” I told her. It was true.

She smiled and the sadness came over her again. I could feel it like a great greedy troll looming in the room. Then she went to the bathroom.

While she was gone I looked on her desk and saw a paper where she had written her “resolutions.”

I will feel beautiful.

I will feel loved.

I will run every morning.

I will

Then I heard the click of the door lock. Then the sound of a body falling.

I stared at the nob of the door and made it unlock. As I stepped forward pills crunched underneath my feet. Inside the small room I found Samantha barely breathing, almost at Death’s door. I could feel the icy chill of a phantom waiting outside to take her soul. Given any other night I would have left her to die, but tonight I had to stay.  No deathly phantom would take her if I could help it. My actions were not out of love. It was something else. I do not know what. Maybe it was the Vampire King in me wanting to protect my people. It was justice for a girl who had been wronged. I wanted to rip the throats out of the men who had hurt her.

I had two choices. I could bring her back with my blood or I could call 911. Giving her MY blood was not an option. Not tonight. Not with Samantha. I had never called 911 before, but that was what I had been told to do if humans were near death.

At the hospital I waited on uncomfortable chairs in a room full of quiet people.

Gillian came and sat with me until a woman who said she was a doctor said Samantha wanted to talk to me.

Samantha lay in a bed with needles and tubes in her arm. It was as if a mad lunatic was experimenting on her.

“You saved my life,” she said.

“Of course I did. I ripped the beating heart out of a man after almost draining his body of blood after he had raped a child. I am not without feeling,” I told her.

As soon as the words came out of my mouth I realized I had said the wrong thing. “You are worth saving. You are worth being alive Samantha. You are loved by many. You are talented beyond compare. Listen to me. Make your resolution to love yourself. Make your resolution to thrive. That will be your best revenge against those imbeciles who scorned you. You are beautiful. Believe me. Samantha, you are beautiful.”

I kissed her on her forehead and she tried to smile and touched my face with her tube infused hand.

I left Samantha with her best friend and her parents. Gillian and I went home.

~ Vlad

______________

 

Dear Diary,

I do not know what is wrong with me.

I used to be so delightfully cold and uncaring.

I do not know who I am anymore.

~ Vlad

 

_______________

Dear Diary,

I am not writing any resolutions. Neither are my cats. We shall all remain cute. LOL. That is supposed to mean I wrote something humorous. I know what WTF means. WTF. WTF. WTF.

I suppose I will try to make sense of this modern world. Maybe not.

~ Vlad

 

 

Short Story Sunday: Dead or Alive (a Vampire Romance)

Dead or Alive
A Vampire Romance

By Juliette Kings

“What a bunch of idiots,” Jamie said to himself as he watched a mob of men run down the road brandishing knives and guns they didn’t even know how to use. They wouldn’t dare use them. Well, maybe they would – that is why Jamie had to hide. Now he was all dressed up with no place to go.

Now what? Maybe a trip to his favorite opium den for an easy meal or a trip to Madam Rosanna’s for a drink with one of her girls. At least the girls were clean and pretty, but the rush of opium infused blood sounded good right now.

Jamie ended up back home to change his bloody shirt. He knew his housekeeper would be able to get the stains out but it still annoyed him.

As he grabbed a new shirt out of the wardrobe the smell of jasmine and roses gently made him smile. He turned around.

“Belinda. What a delight.” She was indeed a delight but he didn’t expect to see her, not here in his house, much less in his bedroom.

The delicious sight in a silk green dress smiled and sat on his bed. “Your housekeeper let me in. I don’t think she approves but then again…” she didn’t finish her sentence but just laughed.

James brushed his lips across hers then slid his fangs across the side of her neck. “She doesn’t approve of you because she doesn’t know you.” His mouth went to Belinda’s again.

“You taste like blood,” she whispered.

“You taste like death darling Belinda.” Jamie took her hand and pulled her up. “I’m getting dressed. Let’s go out.”

They passed into the darkness outside, arm in arm, laughing quietly at their private jokes.

Maybe they’d go to the whore house or the opium den. Maybe they’d go to a musical revue or drop by and see friends. Anything was possible. Together, Jamie and Belinda always had a way of making everything fun – at least fun for them.

They decided on the theater but stopped in front of one of the larger churches in the center of the city. A bride and groom happily rode in their carriage to start a new life together. The bride was dressed in innocent white. The groom was happy and handsome.

Jamie and Belinda stood, arm in arm, and looked upon the happy couple.

“That could have been us,” said Belinda.

“We don’t deserve that kind of happiness,” said Jamie, giving her hand a squeeze.

“Why not? We could get married. We could be happy Jamie.”

“Oh darling, you’d drive me crazy. I’d have to kill you.”

“I’m already dead. Well, sort of dead.”

And under the gaslights by the church Jamie kissed Belinda. “Dead or alive, I love you Belinda. I always have. I always will.”

A cold tear ran down Belinda’s cheek. Jamie led her into the empty church and up to the alter. “Belinda, will you love me and stay with me always?”

“Jamie, will you love me and stay with me always?”

“I suppose. Aren’t we supposed to talk about till death do us part?”

“I didn’t think about that,” said Jamie.

“You wouldn’t now James would you?” She called him by his proper name, the way she thought a wife would.

They left the church and headed back to Jamie’s place. Over a glass of wine they made uncomfortable small talk.

“Will you stay the night Belinda?” He had to ask.

“If you’ll have me. Oh Jamie, we’re so awful. We really are. There has to be more.”

He thought about it for about a second. “Not really. We are what we are. We are who we are.”

Then he took her hand and led her back up to his room.

In the morning the world came alive, but they continued their sleep, wrapped in each other’s cold dead arms, as alive as they knew how to be.

~ end

 

Vampire maman heart

Home for the Holidays (and quiet conversations)

Unknown

I went upstairs to my son’s room.

“What’s up?”

“Love you mom.”

“Love you too. What did you need?”

“Nothing. Just wanted to tell you that I love you.”

 

School is out for holidays.

I have a house full of my own two plus their friends who come in and out like my cats (which means constantly.)

We’ve looked at wombat videos, played Christmas music and taken walks in the cold while looking at Christmas lights. Most of all we’ve just spent time being together. Even for creatures who can, if left alone, be extremely solitary we still seek each other out.

Last night we met with friends under a chandelier, around a pool table and a Christmas tree with friends young and old. That is a wide range of ages in my social circle. Kids were back from college, on break from high school, and there were new friends romantic and otherwise.

Watching the younger folks talk and gather in their own circles is always wonderful, their faces bright in the winter night. If one of us who are older step in they don’t mind. We’re all family and we’re all friends. That is just the way we roll.

Garrett’s best friend Randy spent the night with us. The two young men sent me funny texts and photos all night. I have to admit that I’m the one who started it. After Garrett’s last text (just to tell me that he loves me) I went back downstairs to my cats and a nice glass of wine waiting in the kitchen.

Randy followed me downstairs. He was wearing a black sweatshirt and jeans, which is unusually plain for Randy. My young blonde friend is usually wearing plaid pants in  blinding loud color, vests, hats, scarves, assorted watches of both the wrist and pocket kind, and either boots or flip flops.

“Juliette, do you mind if I use you as a reference?”

“I’d love to. But I thought you were working for Vincent Hayes.”

“I was, but the guy is so weird.”

“Weird like how?”

“He thinks he is Christopher Lee or something. Seriously creepy. The guy needs to get into the 21st Century. Then he gives me a bad time for not acting like a serious Vampire. So I ask him what he means and he gives me a big talk about how I’m too happy. Then he like goes off on how I like to surf, and he doesn’t like the girls I hang out with, and he thinks I dress too flashy. I did a good job for him. I was the best assistant he ever had, but man, the guy is such a crypt keeper.”

“I understand,” I told him. I do understand. I can’t imagine working for Creepy Vince or even spending  an hour with the old bastard.

“I think I can get on in the college bookstore. They’ll work around my classes too.”

“Sounds like a plan. You can always use me as a reference Randy. Anytime.”

“Um, can I ask you a question?”

“Sure. What’s up?”

Randy hesitated and pushed his blonde hair out of his face. In a few months this man-child, who not so long ago was a tiny little boy, will be twenty years old.

“You know how I always, like, watch people and make observations. So I wrote a book about a guy in college who watches people, and he is a Vampire, but not creepy. But like us. Then he meets a girl, and she is a Vampire too but it isn’t weird, just sort of funny. Could you read it and let me know what you think?”

“I’d be honored Randy. I’m so proud of you,” I told my young friend and gave him a hug.

“Be honest with me about it. Don’t just be polite. OK?”

“OK.”

We spoke more of writing and his dreams. Then he told me about his music classes and sang a few songs to me he’d written. Then he asked me about my writing. I shared thoughts and gave him and update on my projects.

I don’t mean to sound like a cliché but it seems like yesterday when this child was playing in the dirt with Garrett pretending like they were Werewolves. Now they are adults.

The holidays bring a lot of things, but the thing I love most is that they bring people together, be it loud nights, or quiet conversations.

Anyway, that is it. Wishing you all quiet times and fun times, not just now but for 2016 and well, forever.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman