Vlad’s Vampire Diary: Social Distancing

Dear Diary,

Even Vampires are going out less these days.  We must, what does Gillian say, oh yes, she says we must stay the fuck home.

While at home during this quarantine for a virus called Covid-19 my friends feel compelled to keep me entertained from afar.

A quarantine is not an uncommon or foreign idea to me. I was born at the time of the great black death plagues in Europe. I have been through many many many pandemics. Unfortunately for me I was locked in a crypt for the past three hundred years only to be rescued in the year 2014. I had skipped the 18th – 20th Centuries and first years of the 21st. That included all of the technology that came to be, not to mention the popular culture that occurred. Everything changed. I have still yet to catch up.

My friends, who forget I did not read Dickens the first time around, and never drove an automobile, or even heard of or imagined an automobile until six years ago expect me to dive into the fun and frivolity caused by people staying the fuck home.

They, my dear friends, telling me WATCH THIS. They expect me to laugh. The songs are all about hand washing, bleach, and staying alive. While these are all good instructions I find myself at a loss. These songs are also supposed to be humorous. I am supposed to laugh. I understand that if I drink milk I am supposed to spit it out of my nose. I do not understand that reference either. Who shoots milk out of their nose? I do not understand.

Finally my good friend Randolpho asks me why I do not understand the musical quarantine parodies. I tell him that it is the same reason I do not understand the songs of Weird Al. I have no point of reference.

THEN Randolpho tells me that another thing those staying at home do is to make a playlist.

“What is a playlist? Are we going to put on a show and play different parts from afar wearing masks and gloves? If we do Othello I will not play Iago.” I tell my friend.

Then he says, “NOOOOOOOO,” like he always says when he thinks I am being stupid. “A playlist is a list of songs that you like. Usually it is a list of songs that define your being. It is music that makes you feel.”

“Feel what?”

“Anything.”

“Alright then, I will make a playlist,” I told him.

I freely admit I do not know all of the songs but I have learned quite a few pieces of music that make me feel. Not all of them make me feel but I do enjoy listening to them, especially loudly in my car when I drive at night with the windows rolled down.

Driving with the window rolled down and music playing loudly is a pleasure of modern life I could have never have predicted. It is invigorating unlike almost anything else.

I have made a playlist. This is what is called a short list meaning it is not all of the music I listen to.

• Walkin After Midnight – Patsy Cline
• One Fine Day, Madam Butterfly – Haylet Westenra
• Rave On – Buddy Holly
• Concerto in Da Minor, Bach – Bach Eternal
• Riptide – Vance Joy
• Ring of Fire – Johnny Cash
• Friends in Low Places – Garth Brooks
• Riptide – Robert Palmer
• Fuge in G Minor, Bach – Virgil Fox
• I Will Survive – Gloria Gaynor
• Friends in Low Places – Garth Brooks
• Everlasting – Survivor
• You Shook Me All Night Long – AC/CD
• Who’s Alright – Yeah… Um Huh. – The Rapture
• Somethin’ Stupid – Frank & Nancy Sinatra
• Short Skirt Long Jacket – Cake
• Camel Walk – Southern Culture On The Skids
• Dark Necessities – Red Hot Chili Peppers
• Hall of the Mountain King – Apocalyptica
• Day Dream – Lovin’ Spoonful
• Cello Suite No. 1 in G Major Johan Sebastian Bach – Yo-Yo Ma
• Hot Blooded – Foreigner
• Night Call – Kavinsky
• Night Walk – Gavin Luke
• Tricky – Run DMC
• The Way You Look Tonight – Fred Astaire
• House of Wolves – My Chemical Romance
• Sweet Caroline – Neil Diamond
• Damn Right, I’ve Got the Blues – Buddy Guy
• You Could Be Right – Jeremy Lister
• Contagious – Night Riots
• John Coltrane – everything

Randolpho told me my list is random. In fact, he said it was the most random playlist he has ever seen. I do not know what that means. I refuse to ask him or comment on his response.

His exact words were, “What the Hell is this Vlad? Were you trying for random?”

I told him once again that his hat was ridiculous.

~ Vlad

Dear Diary,

I have conversations with my neighbor over the fence. She told me that in order to entertain her children she is making paper dolls. I asked her what paper dolls are. She told me. She cuts out shapes of girls and boys, animals, princesses and snowflakes. She said her paper dolls are cute. I asked her how to make them.

I made my own paper dolls. As you can see I am fairy adept when it comes to arts and crafts. I believe these would be considered cute.

~ Vlad

Dear Diary,

I still do not understand those who go to the streets and protest that their hair needs to be colored, or that they need to go to the beach or go out an fart in the public squares. They should try being locked in a crypt for three hundred years. They would not do well indeed.

As a 676 year old Vampire I know to well the finality and fragility of human life. I also find myself, as always, someone with a vested interest in what these warm blooded humans do with themselves.

I have come to respect those who have become quite ancient for the standard of warm blooded humans. They are called seniors. When I was locked in that crypt there were very few seniors. Now there are more but they still need to be protected and respected.

Others from babies to people who are not yet ancient are also becoming ill and perishing from this virus.

Humans can indeed be vile creatures.

~ Vlad

Dear Diary,

Today I went out to the hardware store to get a saw blade. I am building deck chairs. That would be chairs I will sit in when I sit on my deck at night. I am supposed to be improving my home since I am supposed to stay at home.

I put on a face mask. When I returned to my car I attempted to take off my mask but got a fang caught in it. Damn it all.

~ Vlad

Dear Diary,

I have finished my deck chairs. I am listening to my playlist. Now I will binge watch on Netflix.

I know what a virus is now. A virus is a small being that is not an animal or a plant. It creates illness for no other purpose than that. A virus is a vile thing. I came to learn that some believe that a virus is what first caused Vampires to become Vampires. I very much doubt that.

How can something so small that not a soul can see it can do so much damage?

As I sit under the stars listening to the frogs, with a glass of blood on the table beside me, my MacBook Pro on my lap, and my love Gillian in my other deck chair I count my blessings, that is if there are blessings for Vampires. There must be blessings or Gillian and I would not be here.

I look at her and sing quietly,

Heart and soul I come to you
Are we meeting here on cue
Just in time for a love affair?
Like a fool that walked through fire

Just to reach my heart’s desire
Baby would you be waiting there?
Can we afford to wonder
If this could be the one?

Woh-oh — lookin’ for a love that’s everlasting
Wonder if the feeling’s strong enough
Tell me are we merely lovers passing
Or an everlasting love?