Ask Juliette: Your Child’s Reputation, Man-Children, and Vampire Midlife Crisis

Welcome to Ask Juliette (Ask A Vampire) – a Regular Feature here at Vampiremaman.com
This week we’ll discuss what to do if your child gets mixed up with a crappy kid, dating a man who still sleeps in his childhood bedroom, and Vampire woes. If you have a questions, about anything, leave a comment here, or email me at juliettevampiremom at gmail dot com.

Q: My ten year old son started hanging out with one of the class trouble makers (Willie.) Willie is disruptive in class, and doesn’t do well in school. Willie’s parents play the blame game and are always at school threatening to sue. Basically Willie is a spoiled brat. Last week my son got into trouble while playing with Willie and was almost suspended. Willie’s parents said, “boys will be boys” but I’m not sure. When Willie cries to the teachers when he is not included in play so my son feels he is in a bind. Willie also lies about other kids when they won’t play with him. How can I keep my good boy away from the bad boy?

A: You need to sit down with your child and have one of those talks. This time it will be about responsibility and reputation.

Your child needs to learn that he is responsible for his own actions. He can make the choice NOT to play with Willie. If the adults at the school say otherwise you need to have a FIRM talk with them. Teachers and administrators need to know that Willie is a bully and you will not allow your child to play with him. Your son should be nice and polite but he can’t be forced to play with Willie unless it is a group activity with the class. Start keeping a record of times Willie has bothered your child.

If the teacher will do nothing see if your kid can be transferred to another class. I know it doesn’t seem fair, but sometimes that is the only option.

I’ve never understood why schools protect trouble makers and bullies at the expense of other children. It might be because their parents are always at the school trying to make excuses and even threatening the school. I will never understand that.

Then talk to your son about REPUTATION. Once a person loses their good reputation it is almost impossible to get it back. I had this talk with my own children. They need to know that if they make poor choices that everyone else will now expect them to ALWAYS make poor choices. It is just how things are.

As a parent you CAN and NEED TO monitor who your kids hang out with and who their friends are. Remember this – your child can’t bring someone up. Bad kids can only bring your child DOWN. I know that sounds harsh but it is the way things are. YOU are the PARENT. It is your job to guide your child and teach him to make GOOD choices.

 

Q: I started dating a guy. He is super nice, cute, and looks good on paper. The problem is that his bedroom is decked out in red and gold. I’m not talking satin sheets. These are the colors of his favorite team. The walls are covered with posters. The lampshades are football helmets. The bed is a single bed with a plain red think cotton bed spread with football shaped pillows. He mentioned his mom and grandma helped him out with it. This would be a fun room for a twelve year old, but not for a thirty year old. The football decor also creeps into the kitchen and living room of his apartment. I had sex with him once in his bedroom. It wasn’t what I’d call great because I felt like his mother was going to walk in on us any minute, and well, it was a twin bed. I over reacting because I want to be involved with an adult man? Or should I just see this as an opportunity to take him on a field trip to Ikea?

A: If he passes up on the Ikea field trip (even Target or Home Goods would be a nice start) you need to have a heart to heart talk to him. If living with Joe Montana is a deal breaker then maybe you’d better change your game and move on.

The future of living with anything you hate will cause more stress than you can ever imagine (be it a relative, a decorating style, ugly dishes, a bad dog, or a group of shitty immature friends, or whatever.) Sure he could display a few prized football items, but if you don’t want to “score” in the red and gold bedroom with him anymore I don’t blame you.

Q: What do I have to do to turn into a Vampire?

A: Nothing because it isn’t going to happen.

Q: How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

A: Stop asking me that.

Q: Is there such a thing as a Vampire Midlife Crisis? My friend Tim keeps wanting to do things like go back to high school or college so we can pick up on unsuspecting girls. Going to a college bar is one thing, but going to class and pretending we’re fresh out of high school is just too predatory and creepy for me. I told Tim that we’re both over two hundred years old – too old for this shit. What do you think?

A: I think you’re too old for that shit. Remember, you’re Vampires, which means you can have more fun than any human is ever allowed without being creepy or predatory.

 

Well, I hope I answered all of your questions for this week. Ask Juliette is a semi-regular feature here at vampiremaman.com

If you have a question about ANYTHING leave it in the comments here OR email me at juliettevampiremom at gmail dot com.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ask Juliette: Parenting, Ghosts, and Change

Ask Juliette is a somewhat regular Thursday feature at vampiremaman.com

I answer real questions from real readers. If you have a question feel free to leave it in the comment section or email me at juliettevampiremom at gmail dot com

Before we get to today’s questions I have an observation…

This morning while I was out in my neighborhood walking my dog… it was an attempt to train the dog, which is sort of working. Anyway we walked over to where the Bald Eagles are nesting. Due to the influx of asshat photographers who feel as if they are gods and have a right to pester the poor new parents, the park service has put us signs telling everyone to stay away from the eagles and not bother them. Yes, there was a woman hauling a ladder out to where the eagles are.  I was ready to go out and scream at her. I assume somebody already did because I haven’t seen her around in the past few weeks. There has also been people climbing the fence (which was put there to prevent idiots from falling off of the steep bluff.)

In the wee hours of the morning my dog and I were alone with the eagles. I watched as they flew from the lake to the nest with fish. The babies flapped their small brown wings and hopped about the nest. As I walked home up my own street, my husband was driving out. He stopped and told me one of the eagles was flying over our house, about twenty feet from the deck.

I thought about the eagle parents. No parent likes to be pestered or watched when they are with their kids. Seriously, no matter what species someone is just let them alone in peace. Don’t bug them or pester them with advice. Don’t invade their privacy in order to get your daily cute fix.

Dear Juliette,

Why are ghosts so grouchy and mean? Why must they haunt the living?

As most of my regular readers know, there are a few ghosts who regularly visit me at my house – mainly Nigel and his girlfriend Mary.

So why are ghosts so grouchy and mean? Because they’re frustrated. They live in a world where they cannot participate. They’re reminded daily of what they are missing out on. For example Nigel’s 40th High School Reunion is coming up. He missed his ten-year reunion by a year. He is haunted by the thoughts of what could have been. He is angry because he never got to see his career progress, he never got to fall in love and get married, he never got to be a dad. He can’t even have a dog as a ghost, unless some dead dog attempts to latch onto him, but that rarely happens. What bugs Nigel the most is the fact that in the reunion program he’ll once more be listed with those who have also died since high school graduation. Only he can’t even see them because that isn’t how the ghost world works. Even the dead have left him behind.

Ghosts are trapped. They’re pissed off. They can’t communicate with most people. Nobody understands what it is like to be dead. So they hang out with Vampires, most of whom have died but are back in their bodies – so that even pisses ghosts off even more.

Do you see where I’m going with this? Don’t be hating on ghosts. Sure they’re obnoxious but have some understanding and sympathy.

Dear Juliette,

If I became a Vampire would anyone be there to help me adjust? Would I have to be shown how to suck blood out of people or would it just come naturally? Is there training for new Vampires?

Yes, unless you end up being a soulless Shadow Creeper someone will be there to help. We have a wide ranging support system for those who have just become Vampires. A range of issues have to be taken into consideration when one becomes a Vampire. Did you become a Vampire of your own will, or was it thrust upon you? That makes a big difference on how you’re going to react to the change. You know, anytime someone makes a profound change, be if biologically, or mentally, there are going to be adjustments. It isn’t always easy.

One of the hardest things to deal with isn’t sucking blood, but keeping your existence as a Vampire secret. You can’t tell anyone, or at least those who will in turn tell others. We don’t have a lot of rules. We don’t have many consequences to our actions except maybe forcing someone to become a Vampire, or telling someone about us.

But sure, there are people here to help. I’m one of the go-to folks for helping newbees. Like with most profound changes, everyone is different.

 

Dear Juliette,

What’s up? What are your plans for the blog?

What?

Dear Juliette,

Why are Vampire men so damn sexy?

Sigh. Survival my dear. Survival.

 

Dear Juliette,

I just wrote a novel. I believe it is quite good, but none of my family and friends will read it. I need feedback. Now what?

If you want some feedback go online and reach out for beta readers. Most authors find that often family and friends aren’t interested in your work, especially if it a genera they don’t usually read.

Find a writing peer group either online, or with one of your local writing groups. Don’t get mad if someone reads your book and doesn’t fawn all over it. It is better you hear what you need to hear now – rather than getting a bad review or zillions of rejection letters later.

Also search blogs for like-minded individuals you think might enjoy your book, or have good, honest, educated input.

Another suggestion is to make a list of questions for your Beta Reader. Do they connect with the characters? Do the plot twists make sense? Ask what part they like best or least, and why.

Good luck.

That is all I have for today. If you can add to any of these answers please do. Everyone can always use a second opinion. 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

 

Ask Juliette: Fairy Tales, Kid’s Sports, and Vampires

Ask Juliette (Ask A Vampire – Advice for Everyone) is a somewhat regular feature at vampiremaman.com

This week I’ll answer some interesting questions about fairy tales, the hot button issue of kid’s sports, and a bunch of silly and random questions about Vampires.

Ask Juliette

What do you think of Fairy Tales?

Oh how many lives have been ruined by young women buying into the fairy tale, and expecting Prince Charming to come sweep them off their feet and make their lives whole.

Beauty and the Beast is a great example of Stockholm Syndrome.

Cinderella, despite her problems, marries a prince. The problem is that she marries a guy who can only recognize her by her shoe size. Something is wrong with that. She also stays in an abusive home situation long after she is old enough to be on her own. Seriously – if the girl is old enough to be married, she is old enough to get the Hell out on her own.

If I had been Sleeping Beauty’s mother I would have told her up front about the curse and skipped all of the fairy BS in the middle. And if I’ve been sleeping and some strange guy, or guy I hardly know, comes into my bedroom and kisses me, it isn’t going to go over well.

As for those little fat brats Hansel and Gretel… they shouldn’t go around eating the homes of elderly people.

Most fairy tales, in their original form are brutally cautionary tales. With the advent of Disney, and other media outlets, they became romanticized.

I love fairy tales. But I don’t ever compare them to real life. Honey, no fairy tale guy is going to rescue you unless he is has a foot fetish or is into necrophilia (and you don’t want any of that.)

Throw it Sister. All sports should be out of love.

Throw it Sister. All sports should be out of love.

What do you think about kid’s sports?

Are you talking about a child in a sport he or she loves? Or are you talking about a parent feeding her/his own dreams, ego, and desires?

Sports are great for kids… providing that the parents are realistic and mature about it. Yes, I said MATURE, because sports seems to bring out the immaturity in parents.

Here are my thoughts and rules:

  • Let your child have fun.
  • Don’t expect your child to win every single time.
  • Don’t pressure your child to win.
  • Keep out of the business of other children and other parents.
  • Don’t yell at the coach.
  • Don’t expect the coach to jump through flaming hoops for your child.
  • Don’t be jelous of other children or their parents.
  • Don’t bully or allow your child to be a bully.
  • Don’t say rude things to other parents or to children who are not yours.
  • Do not put us with others (parents and kids) bullying you or your children.
  • If your kid doesn’t win every single time don’t ask the coach to put them in a lower level event so they’ll have an easy win. Don’t drop out of the sport because they don’t always win. Many (most) Olympic athletes didn’t win competitions right away. Some didn’t blossom until they got to high school or college. There is nothing wrong with not coming in first every single time. Your kid will learn more from trying harder challenging herself and coming in last, than she will from an easy win.
  • Don’t be a shit head.
  • If your child won’t practice it isn’t the fault of the coach.
  • Your child is not a professional. Don’t act like they are. This is not their life. It is not your life. It is just a game. Get over it. Have fun. Chill. Don’t be a jerk.
  • If a coach makes your child cry then it is time to get another coach.

My child is a National Champion at her sport. When she started she wasn’t a natural. It took her a long time to catch on. I let her do it because she enjoyed it. We (her parents) supported her. We did not demand that she win at every meet. We did not care when she lost (for years.) We let her do her do it because she loved it. When she started to win we cheered LOUDLY. When she doesn’t win we still cheer LOUDLY. When others we know compete we cheer loudly.

When she first started she was bullied by other parents and children, because in sports there are always assholes who think they have to bully others. Those people are no longer in the sport. They’re losers. They will never be winners no matter how many medals they have. They will never get to the top of life. If I had anything to do over I would take stronger action against the bullies. My daughter has a partner in her sport who also is a kind and gentle soul, with a kind and gentle family who supports him.

Like I said – the bullies dropped out. The parents who demanded constant wins from their children dropped out. The kids who were yelled at learned to hate the sport and dropped out. The kids who were constantly being pushed by their parents to achieve unrealistic perfection dropped out.

The children who were loved, encouraged, and shown good humor stayed in the sport and became champions.

Now for some random Vampire questions from the peanut gallery.

Now for some random Vampire questions from the peanut gallery.

Do Vampires have gardens?

Yes, some do. I do.

Seriously - we are not monsters.

Seriously – we are not monsters. 

If I became a Vampire could I ever turn back into a Normal-Non-Vampire-Non-Blood-Drinking-Person?

You’ve got a lot of hyphens going on there. No, you can’t go back. What is done is done.

 

A photo of Udo just because he looks so good.

A photo of Udo just because he looks so good.

Can Vampires eat regular food?

Sometimes. Sort of. Maybe, for some. We tend to stick to green things like kale and artichokes, red meat, a bit of cheese, and alcohol. We generally don’t do well with carbs or sugar. In fact, none of us do well with carbs or sugar. Anything fried can make us sick for days. Most food makes us sick so we proceed with extreme caution. Passing a bakery and taking in the smells can be torture for some Vampires as they remember back when they were donut eating hot blooded folk. And only teeny tiny amounts of chocolate on only very special occasions. My advice is to just skip it. It isn’t worth it.

 

Iareseriouscat

Is it OK for a Vampire to date a Werewolf.

For God’s sake why would you want to? Sure, you could. It would be complicated. I guarantee they’ll be problems. But hey, who am I to judge? In the meantime stop asking. Everybody asks this question and I’m tired of it.

 

You know these guys!

You know these guys!

If a Vampire bites a dog would it turn into a Vampire Dog or a Werewolf?

WTF? It wouldn’t turn into anything but a pissed off dog because some asshole decided to bite it.

 

Don't bite me dude.

Don’t bite me dude.

If an X-ray was taken of a Vampire skull would it look different than a Human skull.

Maybe.

Teddyanddog

 

Why do Vampires always wear black?

We don’t aways wear black. Black is fashionable. Black can’t be seen at night. Black is easy. Black is hip. Black goes with almost everything. Black is just one color we wear. I love to wear blue and olive green. I love absolutely love olive green and moss colored clothing. Right now I’m wearing black, but I don’t always wear black.

 

It isn't always black, or even red.

It isn’t always black, or even red.

 

That is all I have time for today. If you have any pressing questions about parenting, Vampires, romance, relationships, or just about anything just ask me. I’ll answer just about anything. Send me a message at juliettevampiremom @ gmail dot com.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ask Juliette: Dirty Talk, Romance, and Dump the Chump Edition

Ask Juliette (Ask a Vampire, Advice for Everyone) is a somewhat regular Thursday feature at Vampiremaman.com

This week brings an interesting variety of questions about dirty talk, love, romance, vampires, and rude people. Let’s get started.

Ask Juliette

My boyfriend always asks me to talk dirty to him when we’re having sex. I don’t know what to say. I feel stupid.

Um, well, I could give you some specifics but I’m sure you’d still feel uncomfortable. I’d feel uncomfortable.

Try starting out with compliments, and of course a few well placed adjectives. Or just giggle when he asks you to do the dirty talk. Giggles are cute. Guys like cute. This is so personal that giving advice is difficult.

One big sex rule for me (and all Vampires) is to never do anything in bed you aren’t comfortable with (that includes putting a step-stool on the bed to change an overhead light bulb, but that is a different post.) So my advice would be to tell him that you want to SHOW and not TELL.

Ask Juliette

My girlfriend and I have been together two-years and things are starting to look serious. We share interests, friends, and a lot of interests. Sex is great and we’re still romantic. My problem is that she doesn’t like what I do for a living. I make really good money but she hates what I do because to her it doesn’t sound impressive. She is all hung up on dating someone who is a doctor, attorney, CEO, or other stereotypical male power job. I told her that her attitude was shallow and sexist. She broke down in tears. By the way, I’m a nurse (RN) specializing in pediatrics. I’m proud of what I do.  This is getting to look like a deal breaker for me. 

Excuse me? You didn’t mention this woman was NUTS. Dump her. You rock!

By the way, nobody should ever make anyone feel guilty or ashamed of their chosen career/job. If you do honest work, be it blue or white collar, or no collar, there is no reason ever to be ashamed.

Ask Juliette

I wrote my boyfriend a love letter for our six month anniversary. He read it, then proceeded to correct my spelling and grammar. He thought what he did was funny, then when I didn’t laugh, he told me to stop being all butt hurt. The next thing you know I was getting a lecture on how I need to up my game, and maybe go back to school and learn how to write better. He is really sweet, and a good man but he is always giving me suggestions about everything I do. Should I ignore him? Go back to school? Or just stop writing love letters?

Dump him. Suggesting you hone your writing skills is one thing. Doing it with a love letter is just wrong. What he did was insensitive and mean. For God’s sake it was a love letter, not an SAT essay. There is nothing sweet about what he did. What a jerk.

Ask Juliette

 

Do Vampires and Werewolves date? 

No, not really. Why’d you ask?

 

Ask Juliette

The man I’m in love with is a Vampire. I haven’t acted on my hot desire for him yet. I’m afraid he might kill me because that is what Vampires do to humans. The last time I saw him he called me an endearing name and kissed my cheek. I think he might have feelings for me too but if we fall in love I will die.

Are you for real? Give me his name and I’ll tell him to stay away from you.

Ask Juliette

Dear Juliette,

I am not a Vampire, but I was wondering if it is safe to date a Vampire Hunter.

Not really. Most of them are pretty stupid, and prone to mishandle dangerous weapons.

Ask Juliette

How do Vampires deal with having to drink blood from other people? Isn’t that the most egregious violation of personal space one can commit?

Egregious. I like that word. It is a big word. Good for you. Maybe you should run for President.

No, taking blood is not the most egregious violation of personal space one can commit. In fact some people like to have a Vampire in their life. We take blood, but we give back so much more. Now go away.

Ask Juliette

Now that I’m thoroughly exhausted from answering this odd lot of questions I think I’ll call it quits for today. I’ll have more love letters for February coming up this week. And thank you everyone for not asking about woodchucks.

If you have a pressing question, or are just curious about anything just ask. Put your questions in the comments here, or email me at juliettevampiremom @ gmail. com

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Ask Juliette: Political Fall Out, Social Media, Teens, and Vampires

Ask Juliette

Ask Juliette (Ask a Vampire – Advice for Everyone) is a somewhat regular feature at vampiremaman.com

If you have a question about parenting, relationships, vampires, or anything – just ask. Leave a question here for the next post, or email me at juliettevampiremom @ gmail .com

This week was difficult. See the questions below. I’m sure after I write this post I’ll go throw up blood, or get a headache that will last for weeks. I hope I won’t lose any friends.

medieval-rabbits

I’m the parent of three wonderful teenagers. Since the election they have been on social media non stop complaining about the new POTUS. What do you say to teens and young adults about social media? I understand their passion, but it is getting ugly out there.

Since election, and even more since the inauguration there has been a shit storm fire storm of politically inspired social media posts.

First and foremost I have had a difficult time staying polite over the issue. But as a parent I don’t want my kids, or any kids, to miss opportunities due to their public opinions.

This is a time when many high school kids are applying for college, and applying for jobs.

No matter what their political, religious, and other beliefs are they MUST keep in mind that others are looking at their social media footprints.

Email addresses: No employer or potential school wants to see an email address that reads suckmydickorangeman@yahoo.com, or mypussyisofflimits@gmail.com

Encourage your child to use something that resembles their given name. For example JasonDoe99@yahoo.com.

I understand the outrage of many young people. I understand their feeling that the government that will shape their adult lives is showing only hate and malice towards science, the environment, women, LBGT folks, and the freedom of speech. I understand their need to express that outrage. But they need to do it in a constructive way that will not effect future education and job opportunities. That does not mean they have to be silent. It just means that on public social media where they use their own names they need to be smart. Leave the profanity for the places where their real names aren’t used.

They can be swept up by the storm, or they can get involved. They can register to vote. They can write letters. They can go to peaceful organized marches. They can attend events. They can volunteer.

Their voices need to be heard. But the must be smart about it. I always make it a rule to keep my professional life, and my personal life separate, and that includes social media. I advise my children to do the same. It is just a good idea. Besides, you don’t need your potential boss, or school administrator in your business.

Since the election and inauguration I have had a heavy heart, and a headache that will not go away. I’m trying to keep the radio off, and limit my social media. That does not mean that I am going to shut up. It does not mean that I can get over an administration full of mean-spirited, sexist, racist, ignorant assholes. I’m getting involved. I’m encouraging others to vote. I could write about my feelings but when it comes to MY OWN feelings on this subject I tend to get too emotional. Deep breath.

I’m seeing families divided, and friendships damaged in ways I have never seen before. I’m sure I’ll lose a few readers because of my answers on this post.

The point is, that no matter what you believe, encourage your teens that whatever they put out there on the Internet will always be there. They need to think about what others will see when someone searches their name. Unfortunately that is the way things are. I can’t stress that enough. I’d hate for someone to miss out on an education or job opportunity due to meme, or comment made on social media. A split second of anger can do years of damage. I know to a teen (and adults) that sucks, but that is the way it is.

 

Sea Monster

I’m worried about the environment and the anti science attitudes that the new Trump administration has. What do you think.

I’m worried to. In the Sierra Nevada Mountains and foothills there are still problems with mercury poisoning from the California Gold Rush (remember 1849.) That is just one example of the lasting effects of man on the environment.

Yesterday a bald eagle flew over my house. It circled my yard then flew back to it’s nearby nesting place. I can’t imagine a world where wild creatures are not protected.

The anti-science policies of the current administration scare me. The current mode of making decisions is based on potential monitory profits, ignorance, and spite.

I have no answers except to get involved. Have your facts straight when you talk to others. Write letters. Boycot businesses that are environmentally unfriendly. Vote.

 

Unfortunately some things never change.

Unfortunately some things never change.

The woman I’m in love with is a Vampire. Any advice would be helpful.

Run away. Seriously, if you said she was from another culture that would be one thing, but she is a different kind of animal than you are. She might have been like you a hundred years ago, but dude, get a grip. It just isn’t a good idea. Believe me, I know about these things first hand.

 

No, this is not you and your Vampire girlfriend. It is not going to be like this. You're just a dude in love with someone you have no business being with. Run away. Run away.

No, this is not you and your Vampire girlfriend. It is not going to be like this. You’re just a dude in love with someone you have no business being with. Run away. Run away.

I want to be a Vampire. Can you turn me into one?

Good for you. No. Go away.

Ask Juliette

That is it for this week’s advice. Please feel free to send me some less exhausting questions for next week. Hey, I’m game for anything, really…do you know where I put the vodka?

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

Ask Juliette: “I don’t want to do it” Edition, plus Vampires and Religion

Ask Juliette (Ask a Vampire – Advice for Everyone) is a regular feature on vampiremaman.com.

If you have a question for Juliette, or something to discuss send me a message at juliettevampiremom @ gmail .com, or post your question in the comment section below.

This week is sort of like the “I don’t want to do it” edition. I also answer a question about Vampires and religion.

Ask Juliette

Dear Juliette,

Hypothetically, you give me a book to read because you think it’ll be helpful to what I’m going through and also helpful for you. We both know I don’t want to read it but you insist that I do. You tell me I don’t have to but continue to vouch for the book. In the end, I say yes to appease you and a part of myself that wants to read.

I read the first chapter and take a break from it. It’s a bit of a long break. After my break, I realize, I really don’t want to continue reading it. Should I keep reading?

This is just a glimmer of the situation I’m in, the decision I have to make but it’s the best analogy I have come up with.

You read the first chapter. You didn’t want to read the rest of it. End of story. Period. Return the book. You don’t need to explain anything.

I love to share books, but that said, reading is such a personal thing. Book clubs are great, but I like to feel like I own the book that I’m reading. I want to savor it. I don’t want my reading experience to be forced.

What you’re describing sounds like a control issue. Someone doesn’t think you can manage your own life. Usually when this sort of thing happens, the book lender is someone who can’t control HER life. I bet it goes beyond the book and into other areas of your life.

Be it a job, an education path, a relationship, or a book, you have the right to refuse options given to you by others. If you don’t want to be a cook, and you hate being a cook, don’t be obligated to your brother Jeb if he gets you a job as a cook. Just like if your friend Ramona asks you to read “Twilight,” and you can’t stand the idea of sparkly Vampires who stalk high school girls then don’t read it.

A few months ago a relative of mine turned down a book I’d given her because the author uses too many F bombs in the dialog. I understand. No problem. I still read the books, but I’m not offended that my relative does not.

In turn if everyone in your family want to Cambridge University, it is ok if you study art in Florence. I want to study art in Florence too – let’s go.

Again: Don’t read the book unless you want to, especially if it is going to be a painful or uncomfortable experience. You aren’t obligated to give a reason. If this is someone who is constantly pressuring you, giving you advice, or you might even want to check the entire relationship back into the library.

Friends don’t always have to agree on everything. Everyone is different. We all find our peace, and solutions to life’s challenges in different ways. A book might work for your friend, but long evening walks might be your way to deal with those challenges.

People who care about you will walk that path of life by your side. But if they really care they’ll let you take your own side path, and then meet them later. You are the one who gets to decide the path of your journey. You’re also the one who gets to decide what you read.

Good luck on this. Hugs. Thanks for writing.

Unknown

Dear Juliette,

Every December 29 my friends give a New Year’s Eve party and invite my family. Dinner is at 6:00 and we just stand around until midnight. Every year I end up bored and spending most of the night avoiding a couple of my friend’s friends who openly disapprove of me and my lifestyle. Last year I was uncomfortable and bored out of my mind. Even other friends of mine who showed up fell asleep on the couch. I spent about an hour in a bathroom playing games on my phone and nobody noticed I was gone. My husband says we have to go because the hosts are good friends – and we usually have a blast with them. Do we have to go?

You have several options.

  1. Go for a few minutes but don’t stay.
  2. Go later just in time to yell Happy New Year and then go home.
  3. Kindly RSVP and say you have other plans.
  4. Go but drink more than usual and take an Uber home.
  5. Suggest a game of Beer Pong.
  6. Figure out why other events were a blast and try to do that again.
  7. Just ignore the bitches who act like bitches. They aren’t worth you’re time.

A word to hosts: When you have a party don’t just invite everyone you know. Invite people you know will get along and enjoy each other’s company. If there is nothing to do for hours, then plan activities like fun games (grown up will like), show some movies, or have a wine tasting session, or something interesting. Think about parties that worked and the reasons why those parties worked.

Good luck, and whatever you do, have a happy New Year’s Eve.

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Dear Juliette,

With Christmas coming up I was wondering if Vampires celebrate Christmas, and if they have a religion. Do Vampires worship Satan? Are they Pagans.

Ho Ho NO, we, Vampires, are not Satan Worshipers. There might be a few, but if you spend any time with demons you will want to do anything but worship that Devil Dude.

Most Vampires, who were not born that way, which is most Vampires, come into it with some religious background. It is not exclusive to one religion or the other. Most Vampires I know came in with a Judea Christian belief system.

Vampires can see, and communicate with, Ghosts, Demons, Banshees, and other beings unseen by the normal Human eye. Consequently being an Atheist quickly becomes a thing of the past. You might not see an all-seeing-eye but you pretty much see everything, and everyone else.

Over the centuries many Vampires have become part of the clergy. They have been Catholic priests, nuns, rabbis, clerics, preachers, and ministers of all sorts. Sometimes it works out, but usually it becomes a mask to hide what one really is.

We like churches and other places of worship, mainly because Vampires love music, and most have unusually beautiful singing voices. But every other aspect of a church is uncomfortable. The vibes are just off. It is hard to explain.

Within the Vampire cultures are old societies which have made their own traditions based upon ancient Judea Christian cultures, and holidays. In Asia, and Africa the Vampires tend to linger on the edge of those belief systems, or create their own forms of spirituality.

A lot of new Vampires (those who have recently become Vampires) tend to go through an existentialist period. They wonder if anything does matter at all, considering their world has just been knocked off of its rocker. Even if one has a realistic idea of what it is like to be a Vampire, until you’re there, you have no idea what you’re getting into. Even the most idealistic and romantic of Vampires has a harsh adjustment period – and that adjust period includes questioning one’s very existence, and the existence of one’s soul.

We all know that Vampires have two souls, contrary to popular belief. One soul belongs to the individual, and one of for the shadow. Unlike human souls, these can’t be bought, sold, or taken away, or otherwise forfeited. That pisses off the Demons and their boss to no end.

There ARE Vampires who have no souls. Those are the Vampires who are reanimated after their soul completely leaves their body and moves on. They have completely lost any traces of humanity, love, hope, sorrow, empathy, or sense of a past or a future. They are husks of beings who live to drink blood, like ticks in human form.

So what about Pagans? I don’t know any. I suppose if one wants to do that they can. Over the years there have been odd little pockets of Vampires who study old ways. Eleora (who is over 2,000 years old) said most people she knew who were what we today consider Pagans stopped the religion because they were tired of human sacrifices. Aside from that she said they tended to be hostile towards Vampires, Selkies, and other folks who were different.

Most of us believe that we are the ones who determine our own fate. There are forces in the world that we can’t control, but we can control how we navigate those forces.

Do we pray? Maybe. Who do we pray to? That my dear is a personal matter, not to be shouted out in public, just as our existence as Vampires is not to be shouted out in public.

I guess to answer an age old question, and mythology of crosses and Vampires shunning anything to do with holy water or whatever, has an answer. In fact my great great great great Grandmama Lola will tell you loud and clear – as she tells you about how her first husband Thomas was burned to death but people who claimed that we were Devils. It is dangerous for us to go into places where people see us as evil. Yes, bad things happen to good Vampires.

As for Christmas… of course we celebrate Christmas. I just put my lights out on my front porch tonight.

Peace be with you.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

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Ask Juliette (Ask a Vampire – Advice for Everyone) is a regular feature on vampiremaman.com.

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