Comfort Zones

Last night I received an unexpected call from my brother’s girlfriend. At the time I was up to my ears in dog fur, cat barf and an unfinished novel (I’m writing not reading.) It was still good the hear from the lovely Shawna.

“How is your arm?” I had to ask. She’d broken it just a few days ago while helping my brother with some household task.

“Just a cracked wrist. I’m ok.”

“Good. Tell me about Andy?”

That is a loaded question. The answer can be one of three things. He is bat shit crazy, totally completely lost or absolutely wonderful. All kidding aside, Andy had been recently attacked by what we think was a Vampire Hunter. We’re still working on it. Anyway, a wooden stake grazed his dear cold heart. We could have lost him. The next day Shawna somehow managed to break her wrist.

My parents and eldest brother Max, plus a few more Vampires showed up on the scene. Shawna was a bit out of her comfort zone with all of them around.

She is beyond being out of her normal comfort zone.

You see, Shawna isn’t a Vampire. In fact she isn’t even the kind of warm-blooded girl whom you expect to be looking for romance with for Vampires. Shawna is a college professor – a tenured professor no less.

So what is a middle-aged educator doing with a 163 year old Vampire? Love works in mysterious ways.

Anyway, Shawna needed a break from the commotion at Andy’s house in San Francisco and wanted to check out some documents in the State Archives (in Sacramento near where I live.) She said she’d take the train over. A friend would pick her up but she wanted to see me. So I invited her to stay the night if she wanted.

I know, more Vampires. But it is just the three of us these days (my husband, teen daughter and me) unless anyone else stops by to visit. We’re pretty normal around here.

Hey, we’re not the Addams Family around here and we are certainly not the family in Million Dollar Baby. 

In so many romantic situations one party always seems to be asking “why not me?”

In this situation, Andrew and Shawna, she keeps wondering why he loves her. Why is he even attracted to her? Love and attraction works in mysterious ways.

When we arrive at my house and settle in a bit Shawna says, “You’re so normal here Juliette.”

“Aside from drinking blood from living humans, well, that and a few other things, we are pretty normal,” I say.

I never ask her if she intends on becoming a Vampire or marrying my brother or just hanging it all up and finding a man with warmer blood and maybe a colder heart. I just let her talk about what she needs to talk about. I have a way of bringing that out in people. Then again, I’m a Vampire. But aside from that, I force myself to listen and be there. This time I didn’t have to force myself. Today wasn’t about me. It wasn’t even about my brother. It was about Shawna.

We talked about our kids and other normal things. I told her about my husband and how he wasn’t always a Vampire. He was once like Shawna. You know, just talking over coffee. Yes, lots of coffee – no Vampire lives on blood alone (at least not any I know.)

It is hard to suddenly be thrown into what seems like The Twilight Zone. I guess it is like that with a lot of people when dealing with their significant others family. Different backgrounds, cultures, traditions and temperaments can make for some interesting situations. I try not to make it uncomfortable for the women my brothers fall in love with.

I always feel that just because I’m a Vampire I don’t have to make life a nightmare for a newcomer. I’d feel the same if I wasn’t a Vampire. Territorial pissing matches just aren’t worth it and pretty juvenile. Even my teens know that.

Shawna is smart and witty and very pretty (she has doubts there, but she is wrong, like most women are wrong about their beauty.) Yet, she is still cautious around us. Her guard is always up. I could feel her relaxing a few times and letting it down.

Moral to this story: Be nice. Just be nice.

Like I said, we don’t know what attracts people to each other, be it lovers or friends. With family, we get what we get. We have that weird bond, especially with siblings, that is just there. Sometimes, with any luck, our mates will become part of that pack. More often than not, under the best of circumstances, they form their own pack. They are the inside outers. It is our job to try to make them more inside than out.

Anyway, Shawna and I are going to do something fun today before she goes back to Andy’s tomorrow. Well, as fun as one can have without being a Vampire.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman



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For how Andy met Shawna click here. (Dancing on the Beach)

For more on Andy and Shawna click here. (Vampire Housewarming)

Or just do a search. I’ve written about them before. 



Things to never say to a Vampire (for those who lack filters of common courtesy and polite society.)

Things to never say to a Vampire (for those who lack filters of common courtesy and polite society.)

  • You’re going to hell.
  • Can you turn ME into a Vampire?
  • I’ve always wanted to be a Vampire.
  • Where is your cape?
  • Are you, like, dead?
  • You should consider being a vegan.
  • If I have sex with you will you bite my neck?
  • Are your teeth real?
  • You’re sort of pale.
  • Don’t eat my soul. OK?
  • What’s up with the flip flops? You’re supposed to be a Vampire.
  • I shoot you with a silver bullet will you die?
  • So, tell me about this blood lust thing?
  • Turn into a bat. I’ve always wanted to see someone do that.
  • Do you, like, sparkle?
  • Do you ever have to go to the bathroom? Just asking, because in movies, you know, like, Vampires never go to the bathroom.
  • Do you eat dead people or is that just Zombies?
  • Do your kids go to special Vampire school?
  • If you had to fight a Werewolf would you win?
  • Why aren’t you wearing black?
  • Your Werewolf friend is hot. Introduce us!
  • You don’t look like a Vampire to me.

And no, I don’t look like a Vampire. That is why I’ve been around so long.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Everyone needs to get along!

There is no excuse for rudeness (even to a Vampire or Werewolf)

When a child under the age of 6 or 7 asks a rude question we can brush it off as the innocence of youth. But, when an adult asks rude questions or says rude remarks it just makes them look stupid, insensitive and just plain mean. Not to mention it makes them seem like bad parents.

Their mouths open and rude things just spew out like so much sewage. They have no idea of how them might hurt someone, and how badly it makes them look. On some levels being rude is just another way of being a bully.

I’ve been having this discussion with friends on and off about rude things people ask or say so I’ve made some lists of “What Not to Say ANYTIME”. And don’t be shocked. These are real things we’ve heard people say.

Note: For example purposes all references to a child will be LuLu or Rand. And of course I know none of my regular readers would say rude things like the examples I give below. It is just a list (I like lists. Like to make them. Like to read them.)

Things never to say to people with children:

  • Why do you only have one child? Variations include: You need to have more sex. Only one child? It’s selfish to only have one child.
  • Why don’t you have more kids? Answer: None of your f__ing business.
  • Won’t little Rand get lonely if he doesn’t have any brothers or sisters? Why no, he has a lot of friends.
  • Only children are selfish children. Not true. Go away.
  • Why do you have so many children? Answer: Go away.
  • Which is your favorite? They’re children not flavors. Go away.
  • What is wrong with LuLu? Variations: Do you get money from the state for her? Shouldn’t she be in a facility for kids like her. Yes, people who say things like that SHOULD be shot or at least slapped silly but that is illegal so just tell them “I love my child and I don’t wish to discuss her with you.”
  • Isn’t that ________________ (sport, activity, camp, club, school) expensive? I could never afford THAT. Answer: Just walk away.
  • I’d never let MY child _______________ fill in the blank. Good for you. Now go away.

Things never to say to people who don’t have kids:

  • Why don’t you have kids?
  • Can’t you have children?
  • Why don’t you want kids”
  • Isn’t that selfish?
  • Who will take care of you when you get old?
  • Well I guess if I didn’t have kids I’d be taking vacations to Europe too.
  • All of the above are rude things to say.

Things never to say to your single friends, especially those over 40.

  • Why didn’t you ever get married? Answer: None of your f____ing business.
  • I have someone I want you to meet. He but he hates cats. This is to the friend with 3 cats. The friend who has always had cats. The friend who WILL always have cats.
  • Life isn’t complete without a mate.  Really? That is both rude and wrong on so many levels.
  • I wish you’d find someone. Answer: Well so do I, so why are you rubbing it in?
  • Are you gay? Honest to God I can’t tell you how many single people I know who have been asked this question. There is nothing wrong with being gay or single. There are gay single people. Gay married people. Gay dating people. Get over it.

Things Never to say to Cat Owners:

  • I hate cats. OK this is the story. The cat is sitting in the front yard watching bugs. Then the cat goes inside and eats, Then rubs up against my leg. What is there to hate? And why do you feel compelled to say you hate MY CAT? I’m not asking you to take it home with you. Go away. You can also exchange cat with dog, horse, rabbit, parrot, fish, husband – some people are just RUDE.

Things never to say to someone on a romantic date:

  • My sister is coming with us. This usually translates to “my sister who is nuts and talks non-stop and is so weird that if you look up weird in the dictionary her photo will be there.
  • Have you ever thought of doing something about your thinning hair? Who told you this is a sure fire way to get a guy into the mood? There is nothing wrong with thinning hair on men. It is natural. It happens. Get over it.
  • You’d be perfect if you lost about 10 pounds. And you’re sleeping alone tonight Mr. Romance!
  • Anything about your ex. That includes ex wives, ex girlfriends, ex husbands, ex boyfriends, ex lovers of any kind. Don’t talk about how badly your kids are doing either. That is also a sure fire turn off.  And don’t use the excuse of being “honest”. That doesn’t fly.  It is RUDE to  do an emotional dump on someone who wanted to spend the evening with YOU and NOT everyone who has ever done you wrong.

Things Never to Say to a WORKING MOM:

  • I stay home with my kids because they need me.
  • I get to volunteer at the school 3 days a week so I’ll know what my child is doing.
  • Before you know it they’ll be grown and you’ll have missed out on everything.
  • I always go to my 10:00 work-out class when the kids are at school.
  • All of the above is just rude. Period.

Things Never to say to a Stay-At-Home Mom

  • Why don’t you have a job?
  • Don’t you get bored?
  • Don’t you wish you had your own money?
  • You don’t work so why don’t you have time to go to the gym?
  • You’ve wasted your college education.
  • All of the above is just rude. Period.

Things Never to say to a child that isn’t yours?

  • How much money does your dad make?
  • Who did your parents vote for?
  • What are your grades?
  • Do your parents spend a lot of money on ____________________?
  • It seems like there are a lot of people who try to find out financial information about people they know through the children.  And tell your kids not to answer any questions about money or other private family matters.

Things never to say to a Vampire:

  • Why aren’t you wearing black?
  • Show me your fangs?
  • Do you sleep in a coffin?
  • Aren’t you worried about eternal damnation?

Things to never say to a Werewolf?

  • Do you eat people?
  • Do you have fleas?
  • When you take a bath do you smell like a wet dog?
  • I’m allergic to dogs.