Vampire Diary: Queer Eye for the Vampire Guy

Dear Diary,

Tonight I stood outside in the cool breeze, under the sky with few stars, only the moon and the planet Venus, and occasional airplanes. How different the world is where there is so much light at night that even when it feels dark we can not see the stars.

It was the year before Louis XIV, The Sun King, died. I did not find out that for another three hundred years. I had heard another group of Vampires had left for the New World. I missed the American Revolution. My own country, my own small bit of the world fell into chaos and ruin…

I stood under the night sky with the wind in my long honey colored hair fell to the small of my back. I wore a coat of the finest wine colored fabric trimmed with ribbons with gold thread. My boots were of the finest leather and the color of my jacket. My shirt was trimmed with lace. It would all have been approved of by the Sun King, or any king, because I, Vlad, was King of the Vampires.

Here I take a deep breath and wonder what the Hell happened. I was standing alone in my thoughts enjoying the night air in a Foreign land, returning from a trip to Italy, when the last thing I remember was the sight of a beautiful woman and a sharp pain in my heart. It had nothing to do with romantic thoughts.

My attackers, who are still unknown to me, sealed me in a crypt, and there I remained for the next three hundred years. My location was unknown to my family, friends, or allies. My citizens were without a leader and lost to the winds and ravages of marauding hordes. Those who were not slaughtered went into hiding. My friend Randolpho was one of them.

For three hundred years I lay in a state of trance like sleep, occasionally mixed with consciousness, unable to move, or cry out for help. I was dead, but undead, in a cruel state of hibernation. My heart had been stabbed with a stake but not fully pierced. My throat had been slit but my head not severed. It is rather disgusting now that I think of it.

Of course one can imagine what it was like when Randolpho and my love Gillian found me. First I heard the lock snap, and the gates of the crypt forced open, then the top of the tomb moved off, and then they opened the coffin.

“Oh shit,” was the first words that I heard, coming from the mouth of Randolpho.

Gillian bent over and kissed me. I opened my eyes. “It’s him,” she said in a now unfamiliar accent. “Let’s get him out of here.”

My fine clothing had all but rotted away. My hair was in tangles with years of bugs and mice having their children in my golden locks. When I awoke I found myself not in a coffin but in the softest of beds with sheets so softer than anything I could have imagined.

Everything smelled good. I smelled good like flowers and fresh spring herbs. I wore a soft robe, and drawstring pants. My hair was clean but now short to my collar. I often think of growing it long again but maybe not.

Gillian came in, not as I remembered her, corseted in a long gown and elaborate ringlets, but in a short skirt and a long jacket. Her hair was straight and down her back. The skirt was black leather, the jacket was a pink color I could not describe, her shirt was simple white lace. She smelled like oranges and roses. Later she told me it was grapefruit scented lotion. Her legs were showing. Almost all of her legs.

In all of my centuries I could have never imagined the modern world in which I had awakened into.

Louis XIV was the King of the Sun, and I was the King of the Moon.

Now I wear jeans. I am no longer King. As for Louis, alas he is still dead.

~ Vlad


Dear Diary,

Gillian said, “You could wear a burlap bag and you’d still be cute.”

“What is a burlap bag?” I asked.

She rolled her eyes. The door bell rang and she left me standing, once again wondering what she was talking about.

I quickly looked up burlap bag on the Internet. Why would wearing a brown bag made of rough cloth make me cute? What did she mean by cute? Do I look like an onion or potato or coffee bean? Onions are not cute. I do not understand half of what she says to me.

Friends came to binge watch Netflix. I asked them once what Netflix represented. They told me that movies used to be called flicks because of how the film would flicker. They explained more but I was lost. I smiled and thanked them. Gillian and Randolpho tell me not to be overly concerned about the names of companies. I disagree. One never knows what might be lurking in secondary and secret meanings of names. They laugh at that. I scoff. I was not Vampire King for 306 years by not paying attention. The one time I did not pay attention I ended up in the 21st Century.

Randolpho and friends, Innocenzio D’Antonio, Jackie Rafferty and his girlfriend Willow came over. Gillian’s friend Elizabeth was also in the group. I have no kingdom but I have new Vampire friends.

Tonight we watched something called Queer Eye. In my wildest dreams I never imagined such a thing. We watched for five hours.

Five men go from town to town and fix the lives of other men who need fixing. They also help women, but mostly men. How do I say this… they are what is now called “Queer” or “Gay” which in this language means odd or happy, but also means they choose to be with romantic men.

Back when I was King of the Vampires in my old country and old centuries back world we did not care who anyone spent their time or lives with. It did not matter. We were Vampires and I was their King.

As a youth it did matter. There were men who were afraid of those who loved freely. They were violent against those who were not the same as them. That was my uncle and cousins who were unfortunately eaten by wolves or ended up somehow, mysteriously with their heads on posts.

They would torture me when I was young because they said I looked like a pretty girl rather than a boy. They also tried to take advantage of my sister and harm her. They were not the kind of Vampires who would binge watch Netflix. But they are no longer here and I look around my home and have decided that I need to how do I say, step up my game.

Alas clothing for men is so plain now. Everything looks good on me but it would be good to know what would look best on me.

Among the seven Vampires watching we used two entire boxes of what is called Kleenex while watching the shows. We might be Vampires but we are what do they call it, suckers for sentimentality and turning lives around. After all, that is what Vampires do. We turn lives around as well.

Antoni, Karamo, Tan, Bobby, and Jonathan made me laugh and think about style. I believe my hair would look good if it was styled the same as Tan’s. I do not like angels, as most Vampires do not, but in this case I believe Bobby is the human form of one.

When the sun came up and we decided to sleep, I wondered if Bobby would help an old Vampire design his guest chambers?

I almost stayed up to watch the rest of Season 2 without the others.

~ Vlad


Dear Diary,

In my bed, with Gillian asleep in my arms, I wondered how out of touch I am with the modern world. Maybe it is not that I am so out of touch as… I do not know. I seem to adapt.

It is a full moon. I wonder if I will hear the Werewolves howl tonight. I wonder if they will have their sinks clogged with fur. I wonder where they keep their clothing when they run as wolves. I wonder why even now Werewolves still dress in such tacky and distasteful clothing. I wonder if I get measured and order some new suits tomorrow how long it will take for me to get them. I wonder if ribbons and lace will ever be popular again for men to wear openly without shame?

Gillian runs her hand across my chest and up my neck. She never asks what I am thinking. She knows. Her cool touch to my face brings me out of my own thoughts.

“Do you think I need a Queer Eye?” I ask.

She smiles with a hint of fang. “No, just a few history books.”

Then she kisses me, and puts her naked leg over mine, and this is where I stop writing.

~ Vlad



Kissed by a Vampire

Kissed by a Vampire

This has been the 39th installment of Vlad’s Vampire Diary. To start from the beginning (or randomly read them) CLICK HERE.




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Foxy Mendoza the King of Suave

I’ve told you about this guy before but I’m going to tell you again, just because I was thinking about it…

He went by the name Foxy Mendoza but was neither Foxy or had any ethnic background that warranted then sir name Mendoza. The last time I saw him we was going by Mitchell Smyth-Robinson. Just imagine a Vampire in a cheap suit, no, please, don’t do that. Vampires don’t usually wear cheap suits. This time Mitch, excuse me Foxy, was wearing lime green skinny jeans, a tight black tee, a small black pork pie hat and had something that looked like a Yorkshire Terrier growing off of his chin. Gold hoops adorned his ears and he carried a bright red organically grown cotton man-purse. He called it a satchel. It was a man-purse. He still smelled of violet water. You can’t get the Victorian out of this Vampire who is always reinventing himself.

Foxy Mendoza is the epitome of ridiculous but he is also so successful at everything he does. Well, almost everything.

To make matters worse is the fact that I’m stuck with Foxy Mendoza aka Mitchell Smyth-Robinson aka Sonny Valentino aka John Earl… that fact is that I am stuck with this creature of many names is because I am the one who turned him into a Vampire. I cringe each and every time I think of it.

“So where did you get the name Foxy?” I had to ask.

“My flaming red hair of course.”

He is a strawberry blonde at best. I didn’t even ask about the last name Mendoza.

My kids were glad to see their Uncle Mitch. Aside from the strange ungodly hair on his chin they thought his new look was exceptionally cool. They laughed at his new name. Foxy laughed with them. But they still called him Uncle Mitch.

I have to admit that we all have those weird, eccentric, unusual and unique people in our lives. Those qualities are quiet annoying at times but can be quite charming as well. And face it, if you want to be a successful Vampire you have to have at least 3 out of those four qualities.

Yes, I know you’re curious about the circumstances in which I turned Mitch, I mean Foxy, into a Vampire.

It was 1879. We were really young. I was a few months from turning 20. Mitch, known then as John, was 22.  I met him on a boat, at night, in San Francisco Bay. There was no moon, only stars out. Anyway, I’ll write up the entire tale later, but he knew I was a Vampire. We started to talk. At first I wanted to rip out his neck he was so annoying but then he grew on me. He made me laugh. I made him smile. We talked until dawn and then kept talking. No, we were never involved romantically. Oh he could be so annoying that it frustrated me to no end, but there was something about him that was so… I don’t know, because he is SO annoying. But friendship is weird that way. So there you go. On my 20th birthday he was a Vampire and we were still friends.

Friendship is like that. I do need to tell you more about Foxy but then again you might want to tell me “NOOOOOO I can’t take it anymore.” Foxy brings that out in people.

Crap, now I have to figure out how to get him to shave that ridiculous thing off of his chin. What is it with guys and beards? My husband never had a beard and only one of my brothers sports one right now. Val has a neatly trimmed short beard that actually looks good on him. I have to take a break and smile here because Val thinks Mitch/Foxy is the most annoying person in the world and it takes a lot to annoy Val. Just makes me laugh.

And did I mention my friend’s laugh? Maybe it would be better if I didn’t. Think fire trucks and snorts.

Have fun everyone and never make an excuse for your weird and annoying friends. Just think of how boring life would be without them.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Big Hat

Patterns at Rest


This morning I found a stash of old pen and ink drawings. Not 1880’s this time, but 1980’s. From artist Marla Todd.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Take this with your (on a shirt, a phone cover, a pillow, a scarf and more…. go to

Red Carpet

What are you going to wear on the red carpet for the Oscar Awards tonight? I will be wearing jeans and a sweatshirt tonight, however…

In a few years after my screenplay based on my novel is nominated I’ll need a great dress.

My style is classic and simple – like this quick sketch. A simple dress with a fabulous vintage broach and bracelet.

The key to this dress is in finding the perfect fabric. I have an idea where to look.

And speaking of Oscars, if you get the opportunity see the live action Short Film nominees. All are brilliant and unexpected.


~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Note: the cute cat in the gray tux is my own Oscar.

Old and New. College Life and Musings of A Vampire Mom.

Baby you can drive my car (but not an old VW Bus, absolutely not)

My son Garrett and his best buddy Randy decided they wanted to sell their cars and go in together on a 22 window VW Bus. Uh, no. Absolutely not. Randy’s mom and I both said NO. Their fathers said NO.

They’re both 18 but we (the parents) pay for the insurance. We’re also paying for college. They said they could put their surfboards in it. They can put surfboards in their current automobiles. There are so many reasons why getting a 22 window VW bus is so wrong. Not morally wrong just stupid and impractical.

This is from someone who used to drive a 1969 Fiat 124 Sport. I spent a lot of time on the side of the road with that car. I claimed to love it. Yeah, there were some guys I thought I loved too but they turned out to be Fiats too. Fiat stands for Fix It Again Tomorrow. I loved to drive it – when it ran, which was about 8 months out of the year.

A 1962 VW Bus also stands for Fix It Again Tomorrow of course unless there is a fiery crash before then. And they’re ugly and God knows how many children were conceived in any one of those things and how many tons of pot were smoked in there. VW Bus no doubt stands for Very Weird Business. The ghosts of hippies past is enough to make my head spin. Hey, I’m the mom so I get to say things like this.

So Garrett, in a rare snarky moment, said they could by a hearse. Why not? They’re Vampires they tell me. Absolutely NOT. NO NO NO. Holy shit. No creeper vans either.

I said they could get Vespas if they want to be quaint and charming. They kind of liked that idea.

Fifteen year old Clara on the other hand is thinking along different lines when it comes to cars. She mentioned that she could get  riding lawn mower, the big John Deere kind. She could drive it in the bike lane the 4.5 miles to school. After school she could make money mowing lawns. Sounds good to me. They won’t let the kids ride horses to school or motor homes but I don’t think they ban riding lawnmowers in the school parking lot.

Right now she is taking her online driver’s training in order to get her permit. She said she’d be happy with any car. Good girl. I’m kind of liking the riding lawn mower idea.

I told the boys that they should take the train next time they come home. According to online sources it takes about 7 hours to drive and 5.5-6 hours for the train. Of course it might take 12 hours for either one depending on the conditions, but sometimes a train is a lot of fun (especially for young Vampires.)

Garrett and Randy can usually be found in jeans and some sort of tee band shirt, sweatshirts, or trendy button up, but they are known for channeling their inner Victorian or Rat Pack. Randy likes bright plaid pants, while Garrett has a fondness for vests and hats.

This week they were both on a Frank Sinatra kick with jackets and slacks, but by the end of the vacation they were looking more like lumber jacks. As usual Garrett raided the boxes of his dad’s old things for old formal wear and unusual silk ties. Randy has started to collect vintage Hawaiian shirts – the louder the better.

For Garrett and Randy winter quarter started yesterday. So far so good. Garrett did well his first quarter away from home. Dorm life brings a riot of funny stories. School has been good as well. Chemistry isn’t a lot of fun but other than that he loves it and grades are all good. I’m getting the same reports from Randy. Somehow the two make it work. They always look good.

We talk almost every single day and text but Garrett is still 400 miles away. Somehow I fool myself into believing it isn’t that far since we’re still in the same state.

Before he left Garrett told me about a girl named Morgan who lived in his dorms. She was pretty and considered sweet. But she was one of those people who stays near the wall and doesn’t reach out to others. She was also a Vampire but she’d never reached out to the others like her. She’d been polite but kept to herself.

Before the students left for break they had an impromptu party on Garrett and Randy’s floor. I suspect my son and his best friend were the official hosts but I’m not sure.

Some of the other students were sort of teasing Morgan. “What do you eat? I’ve never seen you eat anything?” Rather than a witty comeback she sort of shunned away from the conversation. Then she slipped down the hall and down the stairs.

He followed her out. She was angry at him for following her. She spun around in the stairwell and snapped, “What do you want Garrett?”

“Morgan, don’t go…”

“I’ll be fine. I can take care of myself in the dark.”

He said it was so said. “You’re not alone. I’m like you.”

“No you’re not. You have no idea what it is like to be completely different from everyone.”

So he showed her his fangs. “I do know.”

Then she started to cry. She’d been so alone and never knew there were at least a dozen more Freshmen at the university like her. She’d been afraid to find donors in the dorms so she started to hang out with graduate students and spend late nights in the library and roaming halls of open buildings.

“You didn’t know I’m a Vampire did you?”

Come on Garrett, of course I know you’re a Vampire. You’re one of the Vampire Elite,” she told him. “You could charm the blood out of Venus de Milo. All the girls love you. Aren’t you afraid someone will turn you in for sexual harassment?”

Garrett stood firm. She was goading him and trying to anger him. “Come on Morgan, my donors don’t know anything happened. Plus I make them happy.”

She gave him a cynical look. “Donors? Don’t you mean prey?”

“You have to make them happy Morgan.”

“I do…usually…sometimes. I know. I just don’t always feel comfortable. It’s easier just to be in the shadows and make them not know. ”

What he more or less got out of her was that making people feel fear or nothing sometimes made her feel like she was in control. Outside of the classroom she never felt she was fully in control.

“I’m not like you and Randy. My family were practically Shadow Creepers. They were ghouls. My parents abandoned me. I don’t even know if they’re alive. I’m Maedocian. Non practicing but… I’m not like you. Don’t you get it? I’m…”

Garrett cut her off. “We’re more alike than different. Let’s go back. You can hang out with Randy and me. I’ll introduce you to the other Vampires.”

“But… ”

“It’s ok Morgan. We won’t bite. At least we won’t bite you.”

She smiled and gave a little laugh. That was good to see. She was beautiful when she laughed. Most girls are.

“And Morgan, don’t ever be ashamed of being who you are. There is nothing wrong with being Maedocian.”

She wiped away another tear. It is rare to see a Vampire cry, even a young one. Garrett had never seen another Vampire so hopeless and alone, or not so alone when it wasn’t by choice.

Maedocians or sometimes on rare occasions called Erebusians. Tellias, who is over 2,000 years old and was around in the old times remembers them using the word Erebus in reference to their group. They took a Greek word referring to shadows and used it for their own proposes. They might have been a mix of Greek or Hebrew but nobody knows for sure. They are not those in the stories of Lamia or Lilith, but come from something without connections to demons or spirits.

They follow the philosophy of a Vampire called Maedoc who lived ancient times. He said that Vampires were chosen to protect the Earth from incoming tides of demons. Everything else after that is sort of vague to me. Some of their customs are odd and they can be extremely spiritual. They’re the oldest known organized group of Vampires, or at least the oldest active group that I know of.

Eleora and Tellias both remember their parents mentioning Maedoc and Eleora’s mother might have known him.

I’ll need to do more research – that is if anyone wants to know more.

Anyway, they went back inside and he introduced Morgan to the other Vampires. She texted him a couple of times over the break. She’d gone to stay with a group of her people in Las Angeles. From what he gathered everything went well.

Garrett wasn’t feeling romantic about her, but he did want to be her friend. When she wasn’t brooding she was interesting and smart.

I called about the VW Bus he’d been interested in buying. Thank goodness it had sold – to somebody else.

Garrett called me when they arrived back at the dorm and said on the drive back to school that Randy had talked about starting a band. Then my child said, “I miss you already mom.”

I miss him too. But I am also excited for him. I’ve let my little bird fly and now he has grown into something with a wide wing span (I know that sounds sappy but it’s true.)

Wishing you all a good week. Drive safe.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman