Vampire Maman Bonus Post: 2-Second TV Reviews

2-Second TV reviews

Don’t tell me that you don’t watch TV because I know you do. I know you aren’t reading literary books and discussing Eastern Philosophy and organic farming techniques every single night. And I can say that because I like history and opera and I’ve read War and Peace. I don’t watch TV 24/7, but sometimes one just has to chill out and take a break.

This is just a small and unscientific sampling of things I’ve seen this season. Feel free to add your own 2-Second reviews in the comment section for shows I failed to mention.

Vikings

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You’d think anyone that violent with that much artistic talent would be having a whole lot of fun. These guys are no fun at all.

Sherlock

A lot of fun. All the young girls like it for obvious reasons. Very British. Sometimes it drags a little.

Elementary

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A fun and smart take on Sherlock Holmes, with a female Watson. They saved the show by not having the two main characters jump into bed. Witty writing.

Grimm

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We love this show. We love the characters. Grimm Rocks! That’s it.

Dracula and Hostages

Just shoot me now and poke my eyes out with a stick. Both had potential but ended up being just stupid with a lot of bad plot lines, melodramatic acting and general confusion. Plus exceptionally bad costumes in Dracula. Don’t bother.

CSI

Only Las Vegas is on now. What is up with all the caked on makeup on the women this year? Come on gals this isn’t Cathouse. Still silly and fun to watch with a cocktail.

Drive-in, Diners and Dives:

Food Pornography. We need a Vampire version of this show.

Almost Human

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This was almost good enough to capture my attention but then turned into just another bromance cop show. I hope it gets better (let me know and I’ll give it another try.)

Downton Abby

I’ve never watched this show. I don’t know why. For the longest time I thought it was Downtown Abby.

Are you the one (MTV)

Unknown

A bunch of unsuccessful daters are put together, each with a perfect match. They each get $50,000 if they find their match. This is a group effort. This is a train wreck that we can’t stop watching. We’re so pathetic.

Resurrection

We saw the first one. We all thought about people coming back but didn’t say much to each other about it. It is an old story. This one was done quite well. We’ll keep watching it.

Bate’s Hotel

I’ve never seen it but the kids say it is exceptionally creepy.

Bones

Read the books. You’ll thank me for it later.

Parenthood

Good production value… BUT these characters are sooooooo annoying. Too politically correct. Not good parents at all. Makes me want to scream – so I don’t watch it. My husband watches it when I’m not around.

Ripper Street

Not as good this season or as campy. Hmmmm. Somewhat confusing. Adding the Elephant Man was an unfortunate plot twist.

Naked and Afraid

We saw this once. The guy was an antisocial dick. The woman was sweet and deserved a better partner. The kids want to watch the new season and that makes me feel naked and afraid. Uh no, I think you have homework to do.

Modern Family

Brilliant and always funny. The smartest show on TV.

Parks and Rec

I didn’t think I’d like this one but find myself laughing every time.

Person of Interest

No weak female characters in this show. Woo Hoo. Am I sick and twisted because I’m starting to like Root?

Big Bang Theory

Too many sex jokes. I think it is running out of steam. Why do guys with such well paying jobs live in such a dump?

Ink Master

Always fun and a little weird. Dave Navarro is still smoking hot but needs to grow his hair out. Nobody is that good this year. Run human canvas run!

Hawaii Five-O

This show is so campy. It was sort of fun in a really stupid way (good drinking game material) until Steve’s girlfriend quit the Navy and became just another bimbo TV cop. She was smarter and sexier in uniform. Blah.

Justified

This season isn’t quite as wonderful as past seasons. I still enjoy the wonderful accents and plot twists, but I expected more this year. Maybe it will happen. I hope so.

Pawn Stars

I’ve seen things that I own on this program. Nothing is rare. Nothing is valuable unless two people want it bad enough.

Duck Dynasty

I don’t get the attraction. I don’t get it at all.

Oddities

Watch the New York show. The San Francisco show is too contrived and the people on it look like they’re wearing contrived Halloween costumes – not genuinely weird or original.

Too Cute

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Nothing but puppies and kittens. No kidding. Feeling down? Watch this show. Feeling good? Watch this show. Warning – it is toxic cute.

Montessori Mafia

Doves with razor blades. No such show – my kids told me that one. Based on years of Montessori schooling. HAHAHAHAHAH.

TV-Watching

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

And have a happy pi day!

Like whatever you like because haters are going to hate no matter what.

Halloween is coming so I was writing on the darker side of Vampires and those evil Vampires who have no souls etc etc etc, but I’ve had something else on my mind today.

We all have things we like or don’t like. Heaven knows I’ve voiced my biased preferences on this blog. But I’m trying to be kinder and gentler and nicer.

But I’ve been wondering why haters gotta hate. You know the type, they invade online groups, break room conversations, politics, cocktail party conversations. They spew their opinions on what they HATE and why anyone is WRONG for liking it or even putting up with it.

I am starting to tend to stay away from online “writing” forums but I drop in occasionally just for kicks and grins. Most are pretty friendly but one group has a guy who hates all things to do with Vampires and now he hates Zombies too. Of course all of the other writers (it is a Horror group) tell him in nice and intelligent ways to shut the F__K up.  But I wonder why he goes on his tirades. What sort of unhappy bitter person has to hate Vampires so much to expend his time and energy on the subject over and over and over. If you don’t like Vampires don’t go out at night. Or don’t read Vampire books or Vampire blogs or watch Vampire movies and TV shows – duh dude. It isn’t that difficult.

Unfortunately the really scary thing about haters is they tend to be bullies. That is sick and sad and unfortunate. Nobody likes a hater or a bully.

TV is a big item for people to hate because of the abundance of paranormal and fantasy programs.  Most TV is pretty stupid but it is also fun. It is a way to relax.

At my house we just pile on the couch under blankets and watch and talk and rewind and talk and watch and talk about how bad the writing is or how good it is. But it is just for fun.

For example…

I’m from Sacramento, California. I was born here and I still live in the Sacramento area. Stay with me while I tell a silly story and then maybe get to the point of it all. There is a TV show called The Mentalist. It takes place in Sacramento. The main character is a guy who used to be a physic con man named Patrick Jane. He is played by Simon Baker. Simon Baker is just about as handsome as a human can get. And he is Australian which always adds to the attractive part (I don’t know why, it just does,) I really like him in movies and he is in two of my favorite movies (another blog post).

Anyway, on the show they solve crime that the local police can’t solve. I suppose the writers thought that Sacramento would be a mild bland mid-sized city to have a TV show in. What they don’t realize is that Sacramento is like every single paranormal, X-files and Dexter show out there. We have a colorful and violent history to start with (gold rush, Donner party etc.) And we have had more than our share of serial killers in the general area, politicians, not to mention a large population of Vampires. On a good note Sacramento is one of the most ethnically diverse cities in the country. The weather is almost always perfect and people are really really nice here despite any weird stuff. And there are a lot of writers and artists here.

So back to the show…I had to watch it because it takes place in Sacramento.

Plot: A murder happens in Sacramento. They show the Tower Bridge (which is on the edge of Sacramento going over the Sacramento river between Yolo and Sacramento Counties. It was designed by the same guy who designed the Golden Gate Bridge.). Anyway there is a murder. So Patrick Jane and the detectives jump in a car and drive to see a guy who lives by the beach. It takes them about 15 minutes to get there. Wait, we’re about 90 miles from the ocean. But they get to a sunny warm beach that I KNOW is at least a 7 hour drive from here AND in Southern California. Then they hop in the car and drive back to an outdoor coffee shop across from the Capitol in Sacramento, THEN they drive to the desert (the nearest desert is in Nevada and about a 4 hour drive – just east of Reno.) And that is all in one day. Wow, almost like Dr. Who and his traveling phone booth. Or better yet, like the SMOSH Teleporting Fat Guy (look it up.)

And the writing is horrible on this show  and super silly – so much that we laugh. I fell asleep. But Simon Baker is still so good looking that you have to look. Anyway, the point is that I’m not going to be a hater go out and say anyone who watches this show is an idiot and should not be allowed to touch foot in Sacramento County or visit Australia or eat Cheetos (there are Cheetos haters too.) It is just for FUN. FUN FUN FUN. How can you hate FUN if it isn’t hurting anyone. So it is ok. Just like Duck Dynasty (I don’t watch it but feel free if you like.) It is just for FUN. Lighten up haters. You can’t win!!!! Thank goodness.

And how can you hate Sacramento? Oh come on, it is a great place.

So not that I’ve rambled on for way too long…but I can do this because it is Saturday and I’m stuck at home for undisclosed reasons and anyway… I was thinking about the dicks who post stuff online that are so NEGATIVE.

These people are going to hate. I looked it up and came up with some links on science web sites that said “Haters are predisposed as negative people.” That is so sad.

One hater in a fantasy writers group said he hated romance in fantasy stories/movies/tv. He hated romance? Who could hate romance? People love romance? Vampires love romance. Haters hate Vampires – so haters must hate Romance. See, it all makes sense now.

I feel sorry for those negative people who hate things. They hate cats and Vampires and Romance and TV and paranormal stuff and beer and wing back chairs and just about everything. All that time and energy hating could be spent doing something positive, like writing a romance novel, about Vampires and Zombies. Or it could be spent thinking about how to make the world a better place just by being nice.

Yes, this is a Vampire blog. I did mention Vampires a few times. It is also a parenting blog. Really, it is – go look at old posts. I’ve been lucky to only have a few comments from haters, usually people who think they know more about Vampires than I do (really) or they think I’m going to Hell or they don’t like my romantic take on things. But that’s is ok because I just delete their comments! Woo Hoo.

But back to the article…

And we’re really excited that Grimm is starting again really soon. And yes, I like TV. I admit I do. I limit myself to a number of shows because I’m busy doing other things. But TV is great, how many of you saw Otter 501 on Nature. OMG that was toxic cute and if I had been a TV hater I would have never seen that or known of the amazing things that the otter rescue team at the Monterey Bay Aquarium do. They’re wonderful. And if you hate otters there is something SERIOUSLY wrong with you.

The point of this story is:

  • Don’t worry about the haters or let them get under your skin.
  • Tell your kids that.
  • Don’t let your kids be haters.
  • Don’t hang out with haters.
  • Read every banned book you can.

If you don’t like Vampires don’t read my blog. Or read my blog and learn to love Vampires and Zombies and Werewolves and Teenagers and Writers and totally random stuff.

To haters: Take a deep breath and let it all go. Accept that people like things that you don’t. It won’t hurt you is somebody else likes Western or Vampire or Romance novels. It isn’t personal. Just let go. Take a deep breath and change the radio station and learn to laugh and smile and chill.

Have a good weekend everyone!

xoxoxoxo

Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Things are getting Grimm in the Vampire household

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Things are getting Grimm in the Vampire household on Friday Nights

We’re watching Grimm on Fridays now (NBC). We have been since the first season. We still are.

These of you who have been following this blog for a while know that in the summer we watch America’s Got Talent and post our opinions here. My kids and I watch. My husband complains and makes cocktails.

Let me ramble for a bit (or you can scroll down to the next bit of big type)

As a rule we don’t watch a lot of reality TV. Let me take that back…we don’t watch contests.

I was just thinking that because my dear husband started watching Antiques Roadshow years ago due to his business (antiquities etc). Then came every picker and junk dealer, then hillbillies and nose pickers and clam diggers and crabbers to and inbred catfish suckers. Then I find the kids watching Sixteen and Pregnant, Catfish (which I get sucked into if it is on so I avoid it) and all sorts of shows about people behaving badly. I forbade anyone in the house to turn on Honey Boo Boo, The Kardasians (I don’t care if this is spelled correctly or not), anyone from New Jersey or any kind of Housewives real or not.  I will say I still will watch Antiques Roadshow and listen to American Pickers and Oddities  but usually in the background.

I’m a great one for watching in the background (it is both a mom thing and a Vampire thing)

But every summer we watch America’s Got Talent (look it up, I did a post every night it was on last summer with cocktails to go with it). But that might change after we watched the movie LIVE about a reality show based on Russian Roulette (everyone who does not die gets $5million). If you haven’t seen that movie you need to. See it this weekend. It will make you think. It will creep you out.  Just watch it.

And don’t even get me started on car auctions, car shoes and sports on TV.

So we do watch a few things (I’ll spare you the list). I’d like to be one of those snobs who say I only read and listen to music and discuss world peace and physics, but I’m not one of those people.  I DO read a lot and discuss world peace and physics, but we do like our movies and TEE VEE. Sometimes.

More Rambling about Vampires and Tee Vee (you may scroll down…Grimm is next)

One thing that we don’t see a lot of are paranormal, spooky or horror based television shows. Really.  But think about it. We’re Vampires. Why would we watch shows about fictional Vampires, Paranormals, Werewolves and heaven forbid Zombies? Most fantasy shows (aside from Game of Thrones) can’t keep my interest.

Yes, I know you can prove me wrong, but it is just me, not you. Plus I can’t watch everything. I have other things to do (like reading, world peace, physics, parenting, driving kids all over the place, Vampire stuff and somewhere in there is a husband.)

However, I grew up on fairy tales. When I was a wee Vampire child I read anything that I could that had to do with horror, paranormal, disasters and the like. Back in the day, way back when I was a kid the fairy tales were Grimm and they were filled with blackness, dread and all sorts of horrible things. I also had my share of Bronte sisters and dime novels of adventures of girls who went the wrong direction only to end up in ruin until they were saved by a handsome man with nothing but virtue on his mind.

But I’m rambling…

On Friday nights we watch Grimm.

Why do Vampires like Grimm? Because the people who aren’t “regular people” live with regular people, just like we do. We have to deal with Vampire Hunters, but of course rarely are they as cute as Nick Burkhardt. The Werewolves we know like Grimm as well. Maybe because it isn’t based on princesses and happily ever after or evil step mother queens.

Anyway, we like Grimm and that is what we’re watching on Fridays. So follow along and I’ll be posting every Friday or Saturday if I can about our reactions.

Last Friday the kids were home so we made it a party. The teens were upstairs in the “office room” watching with their friends. There were snacks (cranberry juice spiked with blood and mixed nuts and kale chips). The grown ups were downstairs. The Werewolves who live around the corner came with their kids and my brother Val brought the ancient elder Vampires Tellias and Eleora with him.

Tellias shows up in a lime green colored leisure suit with a black shirt opened to the middle of his chest, his almost white blonde hair around his shoulders like a waterfall of light. Eleora is wearing a little black dress with a lime green belt and lime green beads with some sort of weird flowered and beaded sweater with her hair in an elaborate beehive. Both are wearing Zorries, you know those cheap flip flops that you get in drug stores that cost a dollar. My brother Val has on vintage tuxedo pants with the satin stripe down the side, a white old fashioned tuxedo shirt with a million little tucks in it, black suspenders and about 5 military metals from Great Britain.  His shoes are red. Red cowboy boots. Sometimes I wonder about him.

I’ve learned not to say anything.

“Nice to see you all dressed up,” my darling husband said.

“I’m taking them out to the clubs downtown tonight.” My brother

“Check the dress codes.”I said.

“We have other shoes in the car” said Tellias.

“Yes, in the car” chimed in Eleora. “Mine are black with bows.”

Good, that was settled.

I pulled Val aside “Do you think that is a good idea bringing them out?”

Val just smiled. “They go to the clubs all the time. They’re really popular with the hipsters. Give them some credit. They’ve been around for a while and they never blow their cover. Plus they’re chick magnets for me.”

“You’re already a chick magnet,” I told my brother.

Teddy made cocktails (recipes next post).

So we all liked the first episode of the new season.

Since I’m running out of time and I’m sure you’re running out of patience with me I’ll make it brief.

Everyone was back.

Nick finally found out Renard and Juliette (great name by the way) were attracted in a violent way. They worked with Monroe (everyone’s favorite) and Rosalee on breaking the spell. And FINALLY Renard and Nick came to a Vessen/Grimm agreement that they must join forces or really really really bad things are going to happen. I have to give it to Renard for being a little big humble and eating some crow. In the meantime the evil Adalind come up positive on her pregnancy test after a night with Renard. Uh Oh. Not good.

So tonight we’ll find out if Nick will be able to finally break Juliette’s spell and if they’ll all live happily after (or not).

We’ll be recording this one since I have to pick Clara up from a formal Middle School Dance and Garrett is going to be playing roller hockey with his friends. But I’ll keep you updated!

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

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Another Scary Night of America’s Got Talent with Vampire Iced Tea

UPDATE: Our votes went to…

CMYK

The Olate Dogs

They were exceptional groups and it will be INSANE if they don’t go through.

And

In a tie the Parrot Guy Clint and Tim the singer (we gave them a few votes too)

Nobody else compared to the top two. Were those dogs cute or what????

We’re watching America’s Got Talent tonight!

We’ve got a full house tonight. Cody our Vampire in training is still here (his girlfriend might have to be terminated for her lies and lack of respect for Vampires but we aren’t going to tell him). My great great great great grandmamma Lola is here (she is under the weather and needs some care and rest in a family setting – the woman is amost 900 years old), my kids, our Vampire friends their two teens and of course my husband Teddy who will be making his famous Vampire cocktails.

The countdown is here for the next final three!

Who is on tonight that we might consider voting for:

TOP PICK: David Garibaldi and his CMYK’s

Second: Jacob Williams – Comic

Everyone else is ok but not great so we’ll give them a chance and see what they have to offer tonight.

  • Clint Carvalho – the guy with the cute white bird.
  • Live Wire Theater – more light show stuff
  • Olate Dogs – Cute cute cute dogs
  • Shanice & Maurice Hayes – heart warming father and daughter act
  • Magic of Puck – small magic
  • Tim  Hockenberry – Singer – he is very very good and I should have moved him to the top of this list. One of those soulful gravel and bourbon voices.

Who is on tonight that we WILL NOT vote for and why:

Sebastien El Chario – the kids can’t sing and the big band behind him is creepy. Yes, he is sort of cute and can hold a note for a long time (bet he is a good swimmer) BUT THE KID CAN’T SING ON KEY. And every song sounds the same for Pete’s Sake!!!!

 

All That – Guys who clog. If a dozen really good dance groups were voted off then this group of ok cloggers should be voted off too. They are nice guys but my teens think they are creepy and making fools of themselves.

The Untouchables: Teens and adults in my house can’t stand them. A lot of little kids wildly dancing in technical perfection BUT the girls are made up to be a bunch of little SLUTS. I don’t think anyone (except sick bastards that need to be burned alive) wants to see small girls shake their butts and breastless chests like strippers. It is vulgar and shows everything that is wrong with our world and the sexualization of girls.

But wait…there’s more…

As always, Teddy is mixing up something good in the kitchen. Cold drinks for a hot night (I can’t wait until Fall gets here but that won’t be until after Halloween!)

Vampire Iced Tea

  • 1 gallon water
  • 12-15 tea bags – any flavor you want. We like a nice strong black tea with a touch of fruit in it. Lady Earl Gray works well. Put tea bags and water in a jar. Put it outside in the sun for about 2-3 hours to brew. Don’t put it on the grass – it won’t get hot enough. A drive way or deck works best.
  • 1 jar (32 oz) of unsweetened Cranberry Juice (we like Trader Joes)
  • 12 oz blood
  • Artificial sweetener of your choice to taste (remember dear human visitors that we don’t handle sugar well)
  • Mix it all up and pour over ice with a sprig of mint and a sprig of rosemary.
  • Adults – add a large slosh of Vodka or Bourbon to the mix for some extra punch to this punch!

This has always been a traditional family favorite of ours. And don’t forget the nuts to go with it!

You’d think we watch TV all the time but THIS (ATG) is the only reality show we watch. OK I have caught the kids watching 16 and Stupid, excuse me 16 and Pregnant, and those shows about a horrible woman named Snookie and her friends. Honestly I didn’t know humans had evolved to exist without brains. I tell the kids to turn it off.

What we DO watch:

Grimm – because it is so good

Breaking Bad – not the kids, we don’t let them watch it.

Burn Notice: Don’t even ask. But this season wasn’t that great. Hmmmm.

I’m sort of bored with everything else. We like nature shows and science stuff and we love movies. My husband watches anything with sports or antiques or wild places. But I AM bored with TV. Maybe the new fall season will bring more stuff that I like as much as I like Grimm.

So I’ll post more tomorrow on the results (no doubt we’ll be pissed off or at least I’ll be pissed…and if you watch it don’t forget to vote for someone GOOD).

~ Juliette (who is hot and cranky and waiting for cool weather).