Vlad’s Vampire Diary: Cats, Confusion, and Chainsaws

Dear Diary,

I brought my cats to the dog park today. They did not enjoy it. Next time my cats and I will go someplace else.

~ Vlad

 

Dear Diary,

When I was the Vampire King and ruled my Vampire Kingdom it was no secret that I was a Vampire. After being forcibly locked in a crypt for three hundred years, then finding out that my country AND my castle are no longer in existence, I also find that I must hide the fact that I am a Vampire.

When I was the Vampire King I made sure the many plagues that ravaged Europe and Asia did not come across the borders of my kingdom. I made sure the lands and water were clean. My people were healthy. As the King of Vampires I had to make sure my food supply was not contaminated.

Now, if in causal conversation, someone mentions health care it all seems obvious to me. Healthy people means healthy Vampires. How difficult is that? Unfortunately that is an opinion I do not express to others. I either change the conversation, or get the person I am talking to in a quiet dark place and bite their neck. Neck biting usually stops a conversation quite nicely. A wrist bit works almost as well, but sometimes I just need to quickly make them stop talking and bite their neck.

At the time of the plagues I commanded an army of Vampires, and those who were not Vampires. These were loyal followers. I refused to have slaves or soldiers bound to me through fear.

At the highway they waited and checked those who came through. The sight of a Vampire army kept most out. That is an obvious point even in the 1600’s. It was a long time ago but we were not stupid. There are times when I feel stupid now, having missed three centuries. That is neither here nor there. My army stood tall upon shining black horses, their hair in the wind, completely controlled, never in their faces, fangs barred, muscles flexed, eyes burning bright as a warning to those who would enter carrying the plague.

So they waited, but since my kingdom was the Vampire Kingdom, we had few visitors because most outside people were more afraid of us than they were of the plague, so my Vampire guards partied like it was 1699. No damage was done, and my reputation as an effective and fearless leader was not compromised.

I asked my friend Randolpho if the plague was still around.

“Not that one,” he told me. Then he went on a trip down his memories lane, which is more like a highway when he starts to talk, about that time the guards guarded the Vampire highway. “My hair was down to my waist back then. Holy crap Vlad. Can you imagine that now?”

“You still wear silly hats,” I told him. Randolpho has always liked silly hats.

“It’s a top hat and it isn’t silly,” he said.

“You purchased it in 1856,” I told him.

“You were locked in a crypt in 1856 so you weren’t even around. By the way I have someone who makes them for me NOW. AND I have some of my old ones.”

I just looked at him with my most disgusted slightly snarling looks. I believe it is known as an Elvis lip curl. I will have to find out more about this Elvis person.

Randolpho shook his head. “Even at your age, at 675 years, and after all you’ve been through how can you still be so good looking?”

I smiled. “I believe the word you need to use is cute.” I think that was the correct response. I am always called cute though I am not sure what is meant by this word cute.

We talked more of the good old days which were actually only good if one happened to be a Vampire.

~ Vlad

 

Dear Diary,

All of my clothing turned pink. My love Gillian rolled her eyes at me and told me that I was not supposed to wash white items with red items. How was I to know one red shirt would turn everything pink?

I now am in a world in which machines do everything. I used to have an entire group of women who would wash my clothes. They washed everything by hand in large tubs. Now machines wash clothing with a touch of a button and a small pod full of soap.

Pod is something else I wonder about. I watched a movie, one of the older ones without color, in which evil Demons from another planet came to Earth and put people in pods. Then the Demons made themselves look like the people in the pods. It was as if they were Goblins switching their evil changelings for babies. I believe the Demons were called Aliens. I do not remember it all. I do remember that it was both confusing and terrifying. Pods.

I looked under my back deck to see if there were any pods. There were not.

I wondered if the pods in my washing machine might contain small creatures who cause my white clothes to turn pink or a murky gray. It would not surprise me. Nothing surprises me anymore.

People have walked on the moon. There blenders to whirl food and drink to death. There are chain saws. I like chain saws. They cut and are loud and do the work of many men. I have three chain saws. I have nothing to saw but I have chain saws. I feel like a real Vampire male with my chain saw.

One night I took off my shirt and called Gillian outside. I stood in the wind holding the chain saw as my golden hair gently blew back in the wind. I flashed her a bit of fang. My plan worked. It worked exceedingly well. I could say it was a cute plan.

I just remembered the movie was called Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

On some days I feel as if I was snatched and put away. I was for three centuries but not in a pod. I was in a crypt. I did not come back as an alien. I came back as myself, Vlad, no longer King of Vampires.

Then again, one does not need to be King when one has a chain saw, a washing machine, good friends, and cats.

That makes no sense but nothing makes sense to me, yet, here I am, still a Vampire. Still cute. One does not need to be King when one is cute. I still rule my world.

~ Vlad

Kissed by a Vampire

Kissed by a Vampire

 

This has been the 51st entry to Vlad’s Vampire Diary. To read the entire Vlad’s Vampire Diary series from the beginning CLICK HERE.

2017-02-17-13-54-29

My friend Randolfo wearing one of his silly hats.

 

March Madness, Laundry and Vampires

It is happening again…March Madness! Reblogged from March 2013 but well worth taking another look (and he is still sexy as ever!)

Vampire Maman

My husband is watching basketball. March Madness. I’m thinking more like March Insanity because I find no amusement in basketball. I’m not much of a football fan either.

The guy is a Vampire so you’d think…

Yes, you would think he wouldn’t be watching basketball as he folds laundry. OK maybe basketball isn’t such a bad thing. Let me say that again…my husband is watching basketball and folding laundry.

And yes, even Vampires have laundry. You’d think we put people in trances and have them do our laundry for us. Hmmm, now THERE is an IDEA. I put you in a trance and you’ll do my laundry and clean my house. 

But do I want someone in my house and how much trouble would it be to put someone in a trance for the sole reason of cleaning my house and/or doing my laundry?

It would be a lot…

View original post 154 more words

Vampire 101 – Blood Stains

There is a reason why a lot of vampires wear black…STAINS.

A few months ago my niece Lauren came home from college with happy stories of loving school and new friends. My brother Aaron, Lauren’s father, took her aside and said “honey, you have blood on your shirt.” It was just a few small spots but Lauren’s face turned red, or as read as a vampire can get, with embarrassment.

She’d been at a party, there was a boy. Aaron said he knew it was a boy before Lauren even spoke – he could smell it. The boy, with the name of Mason, was handsome and smart. He was the guy all the girls were drooling over. Lauren already knew him from classes and mutual friends, but they flirted and she was feeling the old vampire urges, so she kicked in the paranormal and took him aside for an hour or two. In the exchange she ended up with blood on her clothing.

Actually, it was more than just flirting. It was more than just kissing. After tears she told her parents she’d had sex with Mason and given him the hickey of a lifetime. Her parents asked if she’d been careful and assured her that there was nothing to be ashamed of. She was responsible, she did not harm her prey, was with people she trusted and she used protection. Plus she was 19 years old, almost 20, doing what responsible adult vampires do.

There are going to be stains, but in the meantime tell your young adults to plan ahead. Wear dark colors or patterns. The plaids that are popular now are perfect when you know you’ll be getting blood.

A good item to give your college bound kid (or yourself) is a laundry stain pen. Most major brands make them and they can be found in any grocery story. These handy little stain removers can easily be kept in a backpack, purse, pocket or binder.

But if you DO get a stain follow these follow these steps:

To remove blood stains from washable fabrics.

  • Spray with a stain solution such as Simple Green or any laundry pre-treatment and wash immediately in cold water.
  • Check before you put the shirt (or other whatever is stained) in the dryer. You don’t want to set a stain in that you can still remove.
  • If any stain remains, I usually soak the hell out of it overnight with OxyClean or Goof Off spray. If you don’t want to do that then soak it in a solution of 1 quart warm water, 1­/2 teaspoon dishwashing or liquid laundry detergent, and 1 tablespoon ammonia for 15 minutes.
  • For excess solid or caked-on stains, scrape off what you can, scrub gently with a soft brush or clean sponge, blotting occasionally until the stain is gone.

To remove blood stains from leather or suede:

  • Mix a solution of mild soap in lukewarm water. Dish soap works well. You want a lot of suds.
  • Apply only the foam with a sponge and gently rub the stained area, taking care not to spread the stain. Q-tips work great for this.
  • Wipe dry with a clean soft cloth. If all else fails take it in to get it professionally cleaned.

Silver

It may seem romantic and daring to the younger vampires to use silver goblets to drink blood from but DON’T DO IT. Not only is it hard to clean but it is TACKY. But what if your college aged child gets carried away with the moment. Wash right after use. Dried blood will cause some nasty tarnish. Better yet, tell your kids NOT to use silver with blood – especially not YOUR silver. If the stains are difficult get out the polish and elbow grease and MAKE YOUR KID DO THE WORK and polish those stains out.

Previous articles: We’ll discuss how to resist the urge and be a politically correct vampire. As a rule we are polite and civil to a fault but some so-called vegan vampires are going too far.

~ Juliette

 

First seen here in 2012 – one of the very first posts on this silly blog. I’ve been busy so I’m sharing important posts you might have missed.

March Madness, Laundry and Vampires

My husband is watching basketball. March Madness. I’m thinking more like March Insanity because I find no amusement in basketball. I’m not much of a football fan either.

The guy is a Vampire so you’d think…

Yes, you would think he wouldn’t be watching basketball as he folds laundry. OK maybe basketball isn’t such a bad thing. Let me say that again…my husband is watching basketball and folding laundry.

And yes, even Vampires have laundry. You’d think we put people in trances and have them do our laundry for us. Hmmm, now THERE is an IDEA. I put you in a trance and you’ll do my laundry and clean my house. 

But do I want someone in my house and how much trouble would it be to put someone in a trance for the sole reason of cleaning my house and/or doing my laundry?

It would be a lot of trouble, as far as I’m concerned. On the other hand, house cleaning and laundry is a lot of work.

Or I could get my TEENS to do it. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Who am I kidding on THAT ONE????

So are there any Vampire basketball players? No, not really. They’re too tall. If you’re over 6’5″ you have problems with blood flow…don’t ask, it is a Vampire thing. Just take my word for it.

Blood flow is a serious issue for Vampires. Sucking blood out of a living creature isn’t always that easy. So we put them in a nice little trance…ahhhh… then while in the trance they could clean the house. But they’d be tired from the blood loss and I really don’t want to bring my dinner home with me.

So no, I don’t like Basketball, but I’ll live with it because it means somebody else does my laundry.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Vampire 101 – Blood Stains

There is a reason why a lot of vampires wear black…STAINS.

A few months ago my niece Lauren came home from college with happy stories of loving school and new friends. My brother Aaron, Lauren’s father, took her aside and said “honey, you have blood on your shirt.” It was just a few small spots but Lauren’s face turned red, or as read as a vampire can get, with embarrassment.

She’d been at a party, there was a boy. Aaron said he knew it was a boy before Lauren even spoke – he could smell it. The boy, with the name of Mason, was handsome and smart. He was the guy all the girls were drooling over. Lauren already knew him from classes and mutual friends, but they flirted and she was feeling the old vampire urges, so she kicked in the paranormal and took him aside for an hour or two. In the exchange she ended up with blood on her clothing.

Actually, it was more than just flirting. It was more than just kissing. After tears she told her parents she’d had sex with Mason and given him the hickey of a lifetime. Her parents asked if she’d been careful and assured her that there was nothing to be ashamed of. She was responsible, she did not harm her prey, was with people she trusted and she used protection. Plus she was 19 years old, almost 20, doing what responsible adult vampires do.

There are going to be stains, but in the meantime tell your young adults to plan ahead. Wear dark colors or patterns. The plaids that are popular now are perfect when you know you’ll be getting blood.

A good item to give your college bound kid (or yourself) is a laundry stain pen. Most major brands make them and they can be found in any grocery story. These handy little stain removers can easily be kept in a backpack, purse, pocket or binder.

But if you DO get a stain follow these follow these steps:

To remove blood stains from washable fabrics.

  • Spray with a stain solution such as Simple Green or any laundry pre-treatment and wash immediately in cold water.
  • Check before you put the shirt (or other whatever is stained) in the dryer. You don’t want to set a stain in that you can still remove.
  • If any stain remains, I usually soak the hell out of it overnight with OxyClean or Goof Off spray. If you don’t want to do that then soak it in a solution of 1 quart warm water, 1­/2 teaspoon dishwashing or liquid laundry detergent, and 1 tablespoon ammonia for 15 minutes.
  • For excess solid or caked-on stains, scrape off what you can, scrub gently with a soft brush or clean sponge, blotting occasionally until the stain is gone.

To remove blood stains from leather or suede:

  • Mix a solution of mild soap in lukewarm water. Dish soap works well. You want a lot of suds.
  • Apply only the foam with a sponge and gently rub the stained area, taking care not to spread the stain. Q-tips work great for this.
  • Wipe dry with a clean soft cloth. If all else fails take it in to get it professionally cleaned.

Silver

It may seem romantic and daring to the younger vampires to use silver goblets to drink blood from but DON’T DO IT. Not only is it hard to clean but it is TACKY. But what if your college aged child gets carried away with the moment. Wash right after use. Dried blood will cause some nasty tarnish. Better yet, tell your kids NOT to use silver with blood – especially not YOUR silver. If the stains are difficult get out the polish and elbow grease and MAKE YOUR KID DO THE WORK and polish those stains out.

Previous articles: We’ll discuss how to resist the urge and be a politically correct vampire. As a rule we are polite and civil to a fault but some so-called vegan vampires are going too far.

~ Juliette

 

 

Vampire 101 – Blood Stains

There is a reason why a lot of vampires wear black…STAINS.

A few months ago my niece Lauren came home from college with happy stories of loving school and new friends. My brother Aaron, Lauren’s father, took her aside and said “honey, you have blood on your shirt.” It was just a few small spots but Lauren’s face turned red, or as read as a vampire can get, with embarrassment.

She’d been at a party, there was a boy. Aaron said he knew it was a boy before Lauren even spoke – he could smell it. The boy, with the name of Mason, was handsome and smart. He was the guy all the girls were drooling over. Lauren already knew him from classes and mutual friends, but they flirted and she was feeling the old vampire urges, so she kicked in the paranormal and took him aside for an hour or two. In the exchange she ended up with blood on her clothing.

Actually, it was more than just flirting. It was more than just kissing. After tears she told her parents she’d had sex with Mason and given him the hickey of a lifetime. Her parents asked if she’d been careful and assured her that there was nothing to be ashamed of. She was responsible, she did not harm her prey, was with people she trusted and she used protection. Plus she was 19 years old, almost 20, doing what responsible adult vampires do.

There are going to be stains, but in the meantime tell your young adults to plan ahead. Wear dark colors or patterns. The plaids that are popular now are perfect when you know you’ll be getting blood.

A good item to give your college bound kid (or yourself) is a laundry stain pen. Most major brands make them and they can be found in any grocery story. These handy little stain removers can easily be kept in a backpack, purse, pocket or binder.

But if you DO get a stain follow these follow these steps:

To remove blood stains from washable fabrics.

  • Spray with a stain solution such as Simple Green or any laundry pre-treatment and wash immediately in cold water.
  • Check before you put the shirt (or other whatever is stained) in the dryer. You don’t want to set a stain in that you can still remove.
  • If any stain remains, I usually soak the hell out of it overnight with OxyClean or Goof Off spray. If you don’t want to do that then soak it in a solution of 1 quart warm water, 1­/2 teaspoon dishwashing or liquid laundry detergent, and 1 tablespoon ammonia for 15 minutes.
  • For excess solid or caked-on stains, scrape off what you can, scrub gently with a soft brush or clean sponge, blotting occasionally until the stain is gone.

To remove blood stains from leather or suede:

  • Mix a solution of mild soap in lukewarm water. Dish soap works well. You want a lot of suds.
  • Apply only the foam with a sponge and gently rub the stained area, taking care not to spread the stain. Q-tips work great for this.
  • Wipe dry with a clean soft cloth. If all else fails take it in to get it professionally cleaned.

Silver

It may seem romantic and daring to the younger vampires to use silver goblets to drink blood from but DON’T DO IT. Not only is it hard to clean but it is TACKY. But what if your college aged child gets carried away with the moment. Wash right after use. Dried blood will cause some nasty tarnish. Better yet, tell your kids NOT to use silver with blood – especially not YOUR silver. If the stains are difficult get out the polish and elbow grease and MAKE YOUR KID DO THE WORK and polish those stains out.

Coming next: We’ll discuss how to resist the urge and be a politically correct vampire. As a rule we are polite and civil to a fault but some so-called vegan vampires are going too far.

~ Juliette