ATG and Cocktails is Back. Summer has officially started!

When we’re not discussing 18th Century political philosophy and obscure South American literary figures …

Summer is almost here which means the annual Vampire Maman’s Cocktails and Amarica’s Got Talent Night Blog Posts! Woo Hoo! This is our third year posting about this silly show.

For those of you who don’t know, here are the facts:

1. AGT stands for America’s Got Talent

2. It is only on in the summer season on NBC.

3. It is the only “Talent” show we watch. We don’t keep up with The Voice, Dancing with Stars or whatever.

4. Unlike other shows ATG is open to all ages and all kinds of talent. It ranges from singers to dog acts to artists, to acrobats, to inbread families on unicycles to stand-up comedians, to magicians, to dancers, to weird things we’ve never even imagined.

5. Audtions take place in cities all over the country.

6. The 4 judges pick who will make the finals and it goes from there. Nick, Howard, Howie, Heidi and Mel are all back. Look them up on NBC.com.

7. Eventually YOU the audience gets to pick by voting online or various other ways. That is always fun.

8. Then you read this blog for my extremely opinionated views, and those of my family and friends, of the acts. We also comment on the judges etc etc etc. We tend not to like snotty kids, people who dislocate their joints, large creepy squeaky clean family acts or that family of dancers from somewhere in the Southwest who come back each year to exploit their own children. We don’t like male pole dancers who show off their crotches while wearing high heels. But we do like men who rock the costumes (we loved Prince Poppycock a few years back.) We also do not like breathy female singers and we’re getting tired of male opera singers with sad stories about how their families hate them. So on with the show.

9. There are no Vampires on the show because we’d obviously win. We never want to give an unfair advantage.

My husband Teddy hates the show but he’ll watch it with us just to tell us that it sucks. Then he gets sucked in. But in the meantime he fixes cocktails.

So that is it in a nutcase, I mean nut shell.

It is fun, despite my snarky descriptions. It makes us happy when we can all pile up on the couch together and just have fun together.

All of that said LAST NIGHT – the FIRST night for this season of AGT was exceptionally FUN. There were so many super good acts. And there was a singer with a good story. He was the last. He was 18. He was good. He was there with his mom. He’d been a foster kid and his parents had adopted him and his sister. How cool is that!!!! Also shown were several fun comedians, a pair of exceptionally lovely female (very hip and stylish gals) opera singers, ballet dancers, acrobats and all sorts of fun. Unusual stuff too like the 91 year old strong man who pulled a car full of people (including his lady friend) with his teeth. Yes, he pulled it with his teeth. He was so cute.

It looks like it will be a fun summer for AGT.

Oh right, cocktails.

Teddy’s Skinny Summer Blast

Fill a highball glass with ice. Fill it 1/4 full with gin, 1/4 full with sugar free strawberry lemonade and fill it to the top with diet tonic water.

So whatever you do in this hot weather have fun, don’t start any fires and remember your hats and sunscreen!

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Cheers!

 

 

AGT, Cocktails, Shadow Creepers and comments from the peanut gallery.

America's Got Talent and Cocktails

America’s Got Talent and Cocktails

For the past several summers we’ve been watching America’s Got Talent in the summer. I’m not saying it is a great show or anything like that BUT it is a way we all come together and get to yell at the TV and laugh and boo and get silly. We like Nick’s awful suits. We like Howard and put up with Howie. And we like Heidi and Mel because they are so cute and they are moms, but sometimes they can be really stupid and put on the sensitive mom thing a little too thick, but I do like them. OK that said…that is what we do during the summer.

If you don’t follow the show feel free to opt out of this blog post and go read something else (I can make a few recommendations.)

And for those of you who are new here, we’re a Modern Vampire family (read the other blog posts if you need to catch up).

Anyway, Teddy (my handsome Vampire husband) has decided to make Bloody Marys with Tanqueray rather than Vodka. We also had a nice local Zinfandel. Anyway, that is the cocktail portion of tonight’s AGT and Cocktails blog post.

Don't wear these pants. Not ever.

Don’t wear these pants. Not ever.

Tonight we have a full house because Matthew, my old fashioned Vampire friend (a Shadow Creeper) is here learning how to be a Modern Vampire. His son Josh (soon to be 17) is upstairs right now with my 17 year old Garrett and his gang of friend Randy, Zoe, Chloe and of course Ione. They’re all typical Vampire teens and showing Josh the ropes so to speak. Josh has a dad who is still stuck in the dark and dank world of 19th Century Vampires, while Josh is trying to be a Modern Vampire. That is why Matthew called me to help – because that is what I do – help old moldy Vampires become Modern Vampires.

You should have seen Matthew today when we went to the high school to get the text books and student I.D. cards. Talk about out of place. I mean, imagine Dracula at your neighborhood high school full of over worked parents and excited teens. More on that later.

So we’re all here having cocktails and confusing Matthew to no end, but he seems to be getting a little looser. We have him in some jeans and an Oxford shirt with the sleeves rolled up. Not bad. I mean, if he gets rid of the creepy Vampire stuff he is a nice looking guy that would turn most female heads. Can he be a charmer like most of the male Vampires in my life…I can’t say. OK I seriously doubt it but I’m not giving up hope.

We’re all piled on the couches and watching now. Turn up the volume Teddy.

So on with the show… America’s Got Talent August 13, 2013

Comments from the peanut gallery (warning, everyone was pretty rude):

What the Hell did he do? He did nothing.

What’s he going to do? Stick a torch up his ass and belch out flames?

This is awful.

She wasn’t even singing. It was one tone.

The 16 year old guy is really cute. The others will be really cute too, except the little guy. He’ll just grow up to be goofy looking.

Would you pay to watch that?

How many kids? They do need birth control. Where do they have sex? I mean, their kids would hear everything. This is like a really bad skate show.

They have sex in their car.

Oh mom.

Are they part of that birther movement or whatever it is called where the women have as many kids as they can and the girls don’t go to college? That is disgusting.

They confuse this with singing. She is not on key at all.

Why is she squishing up her face like that? I’ve seen enough.

Come on out Cher and bitch slap her. Just smack her. That would be awesome.

Ar Ar Ar (seal sounds)

Really? Come on Howard.

More yelling.

Are Nick’s pants too short?

We need a Prince Poppycock again.

Oh God, not him again.

Are you kidding?

This is like something they’d do on Smothers Brothers as a filler.

No the Gong Show.

What I thought they’d already been on for 90 seconds.

It just seems like forever.

An older ugly woman. Freddy Cougar. That will have me laughing all week.

Don’t you think the word moist sounds nasty?

Synthetic ice. Who cares?

People were doing stuff exactly like this at the skate meet but it was a lot more impressive. Even the ice show stuff is better than this. I’ve seen a lot better on roller skating.

It has been done before. It is nothing original. I want to see some sort of jump or spin.

(Did I mention most of the kids here tonight skate?)

If these people were judged by real skating judges they’d never go through.

Is it over?

Oh shit.

It is like skating on a crappy ice rink.

Oh that guy. He juggles his balls.

Doesn’t that hurt?

Is it over?

I don’t know.

Oh wow, Bryan Adams. He’s owning this song.

I love his voice.

Finally someone good. 

The first group, the kids band, the comedian and Jimmy Rose.

Oh she’s a stupid bitch. He was great.

So who did we vote for? Well that was easy considering only three (almost 4) of the acts were even passable according to the 13 of us who are here tonight.

  • 3 Penny Chorus and Orchestra
  • Taylor Williamson
  • Jimmy Rose
  • The Robotix (because we had to pick a 4th and we liked these nice teens but the young lady could be stronger)

Matthew was rather confused at times and overwhelmed by our behavior. Josh was laughing and having a lot of fun. And we all enjoyed Chloe’s high-pitched raspy laugh that makes anyone laugh along.

So folks until tomorrow night when we get results… check out the acts (if you missed it) on YouTube or NBC.com (no I’m not paid to advertise, but if they want to pay me I’ll cash the check,)

“I hope we haven’t scarred Matthew and driven him back to his crypt.” Teddy said that with a sly smile.

“No, he’ll be fine. Just a little culture shock, or lack of culture, whatever the case.”

 ~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

I have enough talent for you baby

I have enough talent for you baby

America’s Got Talent and Vampire Nuts (Wild Card Night – Sweet Goth guy is back and so is the lame nuts guy)

UPDATE – WEDNESDAY AUGUST 22.

We might just have to STOP watching this show. I can’t believe the STUPID choices. Really the kid  who can’t sing on tune? Really the clogging guys with the high voices? REALLY? I am so disgusted. My kids are screaming at the TV. Enough of humans…gotta get back to Vampire stuff.

Tonight will be Wild Card night on America’s Got Talent! So we’ll have nuts that aren’t lame (like that weird guy they keep bringing back) and cocktails!

The kids are excited because Andrew De Leon the sweet Goth guy is back. I can’t say who is going to make it because some of our favorites might just blow it like they did the last time they performed. But it will be fun to see them all back – with the exception of Horse the guy who likes to have his balls kicked. Yes, there are a few others as well who I can’t stand but I’ll keep my comments to myself.

Of course this is just another excuse to have Vampire friends over. I know it is a school night, but we’re doing cocktails and planning our next Vampire Hunter seminar tonight too.
So who will be on tonight?

Andrew De Leon: The Goth boy who sings opera.

All That – Guys who clog dance. I hope they don’t blow it with stupid looking shirts this time (like they did last time)

Bandbaz Brothers – Acrobats. Sweet guys.

Ben Blaque – Exceptionally good-looking guy with his lovely sister – and he does archery. We like him a lot.

Chris Sandu – Stands on things that are easily tipped over.

Horse – a horse’s ass how likes to be hit in the crotch. This isn’t a talent – it is a sickness.

Jake Wesley Rogers – A very tall young singer with a unique sense of style. I believe this kid is only 14 but you wouldn’t know by looking at him. I think he is much better than the other piano playing boy who has already been put through.

Jarrett & Raja – Magicians. Cute couple.

Lindsey Norton – Beautiful young dancer. I’m so glad to see her back!

Spenser Horsman – Escape Artist

Sebastien El Charro do Oro – a child who sings with a back-up band. It is obvious that his parents spent a lot of money getting this act together. Cute the first time but he sings the same every single time. He is loud and can hold a note but not that great. There are better kids in the competition.

Todd Oliver – The guy with the talking dogs. LOVE the dog!

So on with the show or more important snacks and drinks!

Vampire Nuts

Kids and adults like this mix. If teen boys are around I usually triple the recipe.

1½ cup hazelnuts (roasted)

½ cup pumpkin seeds (roasted)

1 cup whole cashews (roasted)

1/2 cup walnuts halves or pieces (roasted)

2 tablespoons finely chopped fresh sage

1 tablespoon finely chopped fresh thyme leaves

1 tablespoon finely chopped fresh rosemary leaves

2 tablespoons Grade A maple syrup

¾ teaspoon cayenne pepper

1 teaspoon sea salt

½ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

2 tsp powered blood (optional – be I recommend – it adds a bit of bite to the nuts)

1. Preheat the oven to 400°. In a medium bowl, combine the hazelnuts, pumpkin seeds, cashews, sage, thyme, maple syrup, cayenne pepper, sea salt and black pepper. Spread the mixture on a baking sheet or stone (I like using my stone) and place in the oven. Bake, stirring occasionally, until browned and fragrant, about 15 minutes.

2. Remove from the oven and set aside to cool slightly. Serve warm or at room temperature.

And the perfect cocktail to go with those nuts is…

Nocturnal Summer Cooler

6 limes
1 cup packed mint leaves, no stems, plus 6 sprigs for garnish
3 unwaxed cucumbers
½ cup sugar
2 cups gin (we like the kind in the green bottle)
1 cup purified blood
Sparkling water.

1. Thinly slice 3 limes and place in a pitcher. Juice the rest and add juice to pitcher. Add mint leaves. Slice 2 cucumbers and add, then add sugar. Stir. Add gin. Place in refrigerator  30 minutes or longer.

2. Peel remaining cucumber and cut lengthwise into 6 spears.

3. Fill 6 highball or other large glasses with ice. Strain mixture from pitcher into each. Top with a splash of sparkling water, garnish each glass with a sprig of mint and a cucumber spear, and serve. You can also garnish with a sprig of rosemary for a more savory taste.
So have fun and check back for updates tomorrow to see WHO GETS PICKED! Don’t forget to vote (we vote online at nbc.com).

And no we’re not paid to plug this show. We just do it for kicks and grins.