Night of the Living Dead – Ex-boyfriend Version

The fact that he always brought his brothers and their tiny chairs along on dates should have clued me in on just how weird he was.
The fact that he always brought his brothers and their tiny chairs along on dates should have clued me in on just how weird he was.

“It should have clued me off when he started telling me about what a weird teenager he was. I’m not talking drama club and doing impressions of zoo animals. That sounds sort of cute. No, he told me that he didn’t take showers and intentionally looked like a homeless kid even though his parents were well off. I thought it was weird and sort of sad but now I know I should have run. I spent way too much time with this guy but thank God I didn’t marry him.”  Lisa age 45 and happily married to a non-weird guy.

Listen to the clues…

That is hard when we don’t know we’re in the middle of a bad romance novel in the making…or worse a Zombie movie.

I was thinking about all of this because Clara (age 14) and Garrett (age 17) are always talking about relationships and romance. They’re teens. You’d think most adults would be smart about these things but sometimes I think my teens are smarter. I attribute that to the many many many hours my husband (their father) and I have talked with these kids about romance and relationships and sex and all sorts of things that can be both uncomfortable and funny.

And speaking of funny… What do you do when your 14 year old comes across a photo of an ex-boyfriend wearing your black teddy? Yes, black lace with an under wire bra. Well, you explain that there was a contest and he won and it never happened again. And yes, I could do a lot of mean things with that photo but I won’t. The guy was a turd but I’m not going to be one too. Also, I thought I’d thrown all of those photos out. Note: Make sure you throw out those photos that need to be thrown out.

This could also be a lesson in: If you don’t want anyone to see the photos don’t get yourself in a situation where there WILL be photos. Especially if it is on a stage in front of 200 people. And only wear your own underwear. Of course if you’re doing the Rocky Horror Picture Show that is a different matter, but this wasn’t the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

A friend of mine broke up with a guy because he always brought his crazy sister who talked non-stop on 90% of their dates. She started to wonder if the only reason she was around was because her boyfriend couldn’t have sex with his sister who did all of the other “girlfriend” functions. Needless to say, after one last weird “date” with the weird sister yammering on while said boyfriend sat there silently with a strange contented smile on his face as he watched his sister my friend decided to NEVER call him back or answer his phone calls again.  Weird family relationships are well, um, weird. And no guy is worth that. Get a dog. Dogs are fun. Don’t don’t bring weird friends or families on outings with you.

Do you really want to spend every holiday with these people?
Do you really want to spend every holiday with these people?

So I guess this goes to show the wealth of experience we can share or sort of share with our kids. PLEASE don’t share too much with your teens or they’ll think you’re crazy. This especially true for Vampire who have, well um, been around for a while.

Yes, I’d like to say all Vampire guys are sexy hunks (well that part is true) but some do leave much to be desired in the personality department and manners department and especially the tact department. They’re almost all alphas but then again they are all in the position to let themselves be used. And don’t even get me started on Werewolf guys. They’re dogs for the most part.

Hot and Sexy Vincent!
Hot and Sexy Vincent!

Yes, as I sit and talk with my friends under the light of the moon on my back deck with a nice bottle of wine we’re all so pleased to find we’ve managed to find wonderful men. That said, we’re still going to keep a lot of stories from our kids, even about their dads. Even when those kids are grown.

If he wants to tattoo your image on his'll have to check out his entire body first.
If he wants to tattoo your image on his arm…you’ll have to check out his entire body first.

So I’m looking over at my husband and brother Andy (visiting for a few weeks) and my son Garrett. They’re all so sweet and cute and everything a Vampire gal could want. Even Andy with his sensitive soul and my over romantic son have hope, for they are wise enough to talk with their female family members about dealing with girls.


So then Clara asks me if she has met any of my ex-boyfriends and she has, but I’m just not going to tell her about most of them. OK maybe I’ll tell her about the nice ones.


So have fun everyone, I have a party to go to…with my husband. xoxoxo

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

A guy who can keep you safe even when you're naked. But in the meantime don't be naked.
A guy who can keep you safe even when you’re naked. But in the meantime don’t be naked.


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