The secret of internet dating and its devastating repercussions on the human disposition
Written by A. J. Alexander – Copyright, September 2021
Sex is overrated. Yes, I can easily imagine the confused looks on surrounding faces, would I stand in a room and proclaim that fact, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m talking about the fact that I tried it, and my current opinion is the result of my experience a while ago.
We keep thinking, that’s like in the movies, where the violins cry (meow-meow-meow) and the candles spend warm light (flicker-flicker). It’s a miserable attempt at physical exercise. You hit your skull on the headboard, the nightstand lamp crashes onto your temple, and every five minutes, Mommy comes in and brings cheese sandwiches, now there.
And that’s not even it! I’m beslobbered from head to toe, what am I? A popsicle? And then, afterward… afterward they want to talk! You have to praise them! I only want to turn around and sleep, but no! And, dear gentlemen, talking about ecstasy – HAHA! Just for your information: If you have 210 pounds laying on you… of course you’re groaning!
Well, it didn’t work out with that guy; one would think a woman gives up, right? No, we girls hope it will be better with the next one. And where do we find that next one? Oh yes! Of course, on the world wide web! Yes, I admit it. I did it; I was on the internet.
That’s unbelievable! You open a website, and you find men; men galore – and all so sporty! Golfers, sailors, scuba divers, hikers, marathon runners, a country full of well-trained ham hock heroes. No wonder you never see them on the streets. They’re all on the internet!
Immediately I was chatting with one of them: JamesBlond007 – what a hunk! And from the first second on, it was clear – we were destined to be together, oh yes.
We immediately set the first date – in the next Home Depot, aisle 4, where the hammers are. And he immediately recognized me! That was important because I didn’t notice him at all. Wait! How can that be that someone gains like 45 pounds within three days? First I thought, he had sent his Dad ahead, that much older he suddenly looked. Well, he admitted, the picture was a wee bit older. It was taken in ’96 on the Bermudas – during his honeymoon. Oops!
Oh, yeah, he forgot to tell me that he’s actually still married. That’s why our first date cannot take too long. His wife is outside in the plant and garden center.
Now, ladies, here is a tip for the guy search on the internet: Get yourself an Alfred. An ‘Alfred’ you recognize by the profile picture right away. That’s the type of man who lounges on the sofa. Actually, it’s the ‘slouch on the couch,’ in one hand the beer can, and a half-smoked cigarette in the other. An Alfred is a man who wears his sweatpants with the certainty that he’ll never ever fit into any of his other clothes again, so why even try?
Then I looked at some of the women’s profiles. That’s not too funny either, oh, yes. It’s not amusing what men have to look at. It starts with the names: MagicKitty, SweetMouse, LittleFairy, SunFlower2568, Cuddlekitty, come on! That’s an esoteric petting zoo. Compared to that, a Barbara Cartland novel is a hardcore thriller!
Oh, please, it’s true! And the pictures? Lying on a piggy pink cuddle blankie, holding on to ruffle curtains, or next to man high cat scratch trees. How can a woman, searching for the man of her dreams, stand next to a man-high cat scratch tree? With a hairstyle which they obviously had carved into shape in Salon Gretchen around Happy Hour. That’s not a good idea!
And then they all love animals, yes! But only when it’s really cuddly. Everything that crawls or scrambles scares them.
My-oh-my! Some things scare me far more! For example that men could actually like that!
Because if they do, at the end, all that will be left for me, is – an Alfred.
A. J. Alexander is a popular guest here at Vampire Maman. Many of you might remember her hilarious story “Bernie Showers In France.”
Author A. J. Alexander writes the blog Writer’s Treasure Chest. For additional information go to http://www.aurorajeanalexander.com
Vampire Maman 
Thank you so much for publishing my guest post, Juliette! I love being a guest on your blog. ❤🤗❤
My pleasure. I’m always happy to have you as a guest – as are my lovely readers. And thanks for the lively interaction here. Ahhhh I’m so glad I’m not at the mercy of Internet dating or any kind of dating right now.
Ah, you know, that this article is a significant exaggeration of experience… but after I tried it once, I decided it’s nothing for me either… I will find my soul mate differently.
Our Xerox salesman dropped by the office one day. He was griping about a woman he met on a dating site. As he was talking about her craziness, my programmer said “That sounds like Marline.” The Xerox man said. “Yes! That’s her!” Programmer: “I had a go with her, also. She’s crazy!” Then they continued on talking about this crazy woman who seems to make the rounds on the local Internet dating sites. I found it hilarious both of these guys had met her, and could compare the same notes. I’m listening to a lecture series on free will and determinism. Marline seems to be predetermined to be stuck in a permanent cycle of web dating, and not getting anywhere but laughed at and talked about by the men she cycles through.
There are all kinds if people online, from shy to nuts, and everything in between…
I met a few who tried to screw me over, and one or two I had a good conversation, but finally, I gave up. It seems, that’s not for me.
But this article here, is a vast exaggeration… it’s really been written to make readers laugh! I hope, you had fun.
And I’m thinking about poor Marline…
Fortunately I’ve never had to deal with online dating. I’ve only heard about it through mostly of other people’s suffering. Although I did meet a couple who met on line, hit it off, got married, and have lived happily ever after.
Yes, I know one of those too. So, there are fairy tales in this world. 🙂
Apparently. If people would tell the truth about all their quirks and crazinesses, then you would think other people with complimentary quirks and crazinesses would find each other and hit it off.
LOL Quirks and crazinesses aren’t making couples. I’m almost sure I heard, Karma (predestination, fate, or whatever it’s called), decides who belongs together. 🤔
If the right mix of quirky, crazy karma find each other i believe it works. It’s that too many people have allusions that they are free of quirks and craziness, and everyone else has problems. I know I’m quirky and as crazy as a loon. My profile: “Old, broken down, coffee drinking omnivore with no TV, hasn’t watched a move in years, who loves the wildlife (snakes, insects, birds, etc.) and cats. Decent photographer, bloody awful musician, great dancer (was anyway), okay wordsmith…” So many desirable traits.
We have the cats in common, the dancing, omnivore, coffee drinking…
Interesting. 🤣
Reblogged this on Writer's Treasure Chest and commented:
Today I’m a guest blogger on Juliette Kings’ Vampire Maman blog with one of my humorous posts…
Enjoy the read and laugh heartily. I hope, you’ll have as much fun reading, as I had writing it.
This is hilarious! I’ve never been tempted to try online dating, but if I was I wouldn’t go a sporty type – the Alfred sounds like more my cup of tea. Or better still, an Alfie.
Interesting. You’re the first I hear would prefer ‘an Alfred’. LOL As for the sporty type: you know there’s never more lying than online. *grin* Thanks for your funny comment!
Thanks for that Aurora – I had such a laugh…What middle-aged//older,.hopeful ‘dater’ would send an up-to-date photo of themselves?! The handsome/beautiful contenders are happily involved….(“We’re so vain…”) Tee hee. xx
Hello Joy. I’m happy you had a good laugh with that post. That’s what it was written for. There are attractive ‘middle-aged’ people… I ‘met’ so many of them… only to find out that the pictures were randomly picked from the internet, usually off a ‘best age model’ website, and had nothing to do with the person on the other end of the chat. *grin*