The secret of internet dating and its devastating repercussions on the human disposition
Written by A. J. Alexander – Copyright, September 2021
Sex is overrated. Yes, I can easily imagine the confused looks on surrounding faces, would I stand in a room and proclaim that fact, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m talking about the fact that I tried it, and my current opinion is the result of my experience a while ago.
We keep thinking, that’s like in the movies, where the violins cry (meow-meow-meow) and the candles spend warm light (flicker-flicker). It’s a miserable attempt at physical exercise. You hit your skull on the headboard, the nightstand lamp crashes onto your temple, and every five minutes, Mommy comes in and brings cheese sandwiches, now there.
And that’s not even it! I’m beslobbered from head to toe, what am I? A popsicle? And then, afterward… afterward they want to talk! You have to praise them! I only want to turn around and sleep, but no! And, dear gentlemen, talking about ecstasy – HAHA! Just for your information: If you have 210 pounds laying on you… of course you’re groaning!
Well, it didn’t work out with that guy; one would think a woman gives up, right? No, we girls hope it will be better with the next one. And where do we find that next one? Oh yes! Of course, on the world wide web! Yes, I admit it. I did it; I was on the internet.
That’s unbelievable! You open a website, and you find men; men galore – and all so sporty! Golfers, sailors, scuba divers, hikers, marathon runners, a country full of well-trained ham hock heroes. No wonder you never see them on the streets. They’re all on the internet!
Immediately I was chatting with one of them: JamesBlond007 – what a hunk! And from the first second on, it was clear – we were destined to be together, oh yes.
We immediately set the first date – in the next Home Depot, aisle 4, where the hammers are. And he immediately recognized me! That was important because I didn’t notice him at all. Wait! How can that be that someone gains like 45 pounds within three days? First I thought, he had sent his Dad ahead, that much older he suddenly looked. Well, he admitted, the picture was a wee bit older. It was taken in ’96 on the Bermudas – during his honeymoon. Oops!
Oh, yeah, he forgot to tell me that he’s actually still married. That’s why our first date cannot take too long. His wife is outside in the plant and garden center.
Now, ladies, here is a tip for the guy search on the internet: Get yourself an Alfred. An ‘Alfred’ you recognize by the profile picture right away. That’s the type of man who lounges on the sofa. Actually, it’s the ‘slouch on the couch,’ in one hand the beer can, and a half-smoked cigarette in the other. An Alfred is a man who wears his sweatpants with the certainty that he’ll never ever fit into any of his other clothes again, so why even try?
Then I looked at some of the women’s profiles. That’s not too funny either, oh, yes. It’s not amusing what men have to look at. It starts with the names: MagicKitty, SweetMouse, LittleFairy, SunFlower2568, Cuddlekitty, come on! That’s an esoteric petting zoo. Compared to that, a Barbara Cartland novel is a hardcore thriller!
Oh, please, it’s true! And the pictures? Lying on a piggy pink cuddle blankie, holding on to ruffle curtains, or next to man high cat scratch trees. How can a woman, searching for the man of her dreams, stand next to a man-high cat scratch tree? With a hairstyle which they obviously had carved into shape in Salon Gretchen around Happy Hour. That’s not a good idea!
And then they all love animals, yes! But only when it’s really cuddly. Everything that crawls or scrambles scares them.
My-oh-my! Some things scare me far more! For example that men could actually like that!
Because if they do, at the end, all that will be left for me, is – an Alfred.
A. J. Alexander is a popular guest here at Vampire Maman. Many of you might remember her hilarious story “Bernie Showers In France.”
Author A. J. Alexander writes the blog Writer’s Treasure Chest. For additional information go to http://www.aurorajeanalexander.com