Burning Question #34: Are You Ready for a Zombie Apocalypse?

Zombeeeeeeeeeeeees!!!!!!!!!

I’ve posted a few times about my Zombie friends (see below for “Lunch Date With Zombies) but what about Zombies who aren’t our friends? You know the type. So enough of the fluff, let’s use or lose our brains and get down to business.

So when you see rotting Zombies shuffling your way…

Burning Question #34: Are You Ready for a Zombie Apocalypse?

 

 

I know, everyone from Val Lewton to Shawn have covered Zombies. You know what they are. You know who they are.

So are you ready? What would you do? What HAVE you done to get ready? Tell us below. And let me know where you’ll be when WWZ arrives. Let’s get this party started!

And last of all don’t forget to see the new movie “There’s No Such Thing As Zombies.” A new thriller written by my friend Michael Haberfelner.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

A Lunch Date With Zombies
(a true story from Juliette Kings)

Fridays are usually my lunch hunt date. I switched things up this week and took Cody, my young “Vampire in Training” out with me on Monday.

Lunch dates are fun ways for Vampires to hunt right out in the open. They involve fun, flirting, a bit of seduction and just enough blood to get you going for the weekend ahead. And regular humans never even suspect. They just leave the situation feeling warm and fuzzy, a little tired, and they think they’ve, well, you know.

Cody and I had arranged to meet an old friend of mine at my office with an associate of his. They were Lobbyist for the farming industry (after all we’re in the State Capitol and in the largest agricultural state).  Mike and Melissa. I’m in public relations and do work for them from time to time.

Cody is shy by nature, a sweet likeable young man, but when it comes to hunting he is extremely shy. Most new Vampires can’t wait to get hunting, but with Cody it is more of a sweet romance, rather than just taking what one wants.

So to make a short story long, a guy in a suit shows up at the door. He looks like he’s been to hell and back then I recognize him as Mike. Behind him is Melissa, who is usually the perkiest blonde I’ve ever met, looking ashen and un-perkey.

I wonder if someone died, then realize, somebody has. They don’t smell right. They don’t look right. My stomach turns. Even Cody is picking up on something.

I step back.

“Juliette” says Mike “You have to help us.”

He puts his hand on my arm and I immediately feel it – ZOMBIES.

Funny, likable and extremely smart Mike, a sixth generation California farmer, graduate of UCD (THE Farm School) and successful advocate for the farmer is now…for all practical purposes DEAD.

And don’t give me any crap about being a Vampire. My flesh isn’t rotting and I’m not craving human brains for lunch. Plus I know where my soul is.

I’m confused. Both Mike and Melissa look good, all things considering.

Plus I thought all the Zombies had been confined to a compound in the Mojave Desert outside of Barstow.

“We’ve taken massive amounts of antibiotics to help prevent the rot and we’ve been drinking a lot of embalming fluid. That keeps the smell off and slows down the rot.” Mike told us.

The pair was driving across the Imperial Valley when they were stopped at a roadblock. Little did they know what seemed to be police were actually rogue Zombies.  Later that night they were picked up by the authorities and brought to the super secret Area Z, where Zombies are kept to be monitored and studied.

I thought of long afternoons with Mike and how sweet his blood tasted. I thought of the slow seductions and languid after glows. Now here he was, doing everything he could to keep his skin from falling off in sheets. Holy crap, this was bad.

“What do you need?” I asked.

Mike put a hand to his face, adjusting his left eye back into the socket. “I want you to turn us into Vampires.”

OK, this is where the sound effects do a screeching halt. The very idea of a Zombie is revolting but putting my lips on the flesh of a Zombie and sharing blood. Putrid rotting blood.

“Has this ever been done?” Asked Cody.

“No, or at least never that I’ve heard of.” I said. “So much could go wrong.”

“Nothing could be worse than it is already.” Melissa wailed and watched as her thumbnail fell to the floor along with the tip of her thumb.

I thought about it for a moment then spoke in secret to Cody. I had an idea. If it worked we’d be heroes. If it didn’t we’d have to kill the Zombies, no matter that they were our friends.

I took Cody into the small kitchen area of the office where we bit into our wrists and let our own Vampire blood drain into two coffee cups.

The Zombies drank and before our eyes their skin went from gray to the color of their former living flesh (peaches & cream and coffee & cream – Vampires always think of everyone in terms of food, we can’t help it).

“I won’t turn you, not yet, but see if this helps. Don’t tell a soul, or anyone without a soul. Don’t tell anyone or I will hunt you down and kill you myself. Do you understand?”

They said they understood. I thought my stomach was going to drop out and my head would explode as they left the building.

Cody was about to speak when I told him. “The same goes to you Cody. If you tell a soul I will kill you and it won’t be fast or painless.”

“Got it.” Said Cody. I thought of my favorite movie line and said to Cody. “This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

Cody smiled.  Then and there I knew he’d make a great Vampire.

I’ll keep you posted on Mike and Melissa – when and if I hear anything.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Story Telling and Retelling Your Story

Today is the first day of the rest of the week. Officially it was Sunday but that doesn’t count because everyone is home on Sunday.

So what does this have to do with Vampiring and Parenting? Absolutely nothing, except it is a school day, and we’re still Vampires (at least I am.)

I’ve taken some time out to write and finish up a book. Of course my brain suddenly filled with rust and sand. I have about 10 -20 pages to do some final touches on and I’m done.

This book has nothing to do with Vampires or this blog. There is no fantasy or paranormal creatures in it. No Werewolves lurk in the pages under a full moon.

It starts like this:

 

All of us Hobbs kids were exceptional liars,  except my brother Jordan who was a liar by default by his refusal to tell either lies or the truth. There were seven of us. Jordan was the youngest and had no discernible personality or identifying character traits except for his unusual refusal to talk, unless it was to speak about his love of the Lord and his belief that our brother Steve, now deceased, would soon come back as an avenging angel.

 

The book goes on for another 300-400 pages. I’ll let you know when I’m done.

I hear rumors of cooler weather, which means something under 90F. I’m not holding my breath. Really, I’m not holding my breath.

In the book there are parts where the characters think back to the past. Not much, but they do from time to time. OK only the main character does because it is written in first person.

I mention that because today, while I was doing busy work and driving I was thinking about things that happened a long time ago. All of the dusty drawers in my brain were being pried open by some unknown force.

What was odd was that I suddenly saw people not from my younger inexperienced self but as I am now. How odd to look back with a rational view of things without the drama or emotion. When one looks at experiences without emotional attachment is like seeing a whole different movie. It really is.

Now you’re wondering what my story is but that is another blog post. Just read the other story and let me know if you’d read that book.

In the meantime I have to get creative.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Spooky Story Problems

Josh is a college student majoring in History at a top university. He is also a Vampire. At a recent party he took one half pint of blood from Brittany, a full pint of blood from Hank, a full pint from the Johnson twins, and 1/3 pint from Sarah. He went home with his crush Kylee who threw up all over his shoes. What are the odds of Josh getting a good paying job without going to graduate school?

_______________________

Bram Stoker wrote Dracula. He also managed a famous theater. If the theater had been haunted by 32 ghosts how many actors would be used for the production of Taming of the Shrew and how many vampires were in the book Dracula?

________________________

Doris walks 1.02 miles to high school. When it rains her mother drives her. One day her mom’s car wouldn’t start so Doris had to walk in the rain. What is the law of physics called that changed that 1.02 miles into 10 miles and changed the rain to snow?

________________________

If the average zombie eats 1.5 brains a day how long will it take for 23 zombies to eat all the brains in the US House of Representatives in Washington DC during a month with full attendance? Yes, this is a trick question.

________________________

After a life of moral decay and debauchery, Sir Helwig died at the age of 42. He was buried in the family crypt. After the Devil took his soul, a witch took his cold black heart, a vampire took his gold watch, a zombie took his brain and a werewolf took his leg bone. How long did it take for the worms to crawl in and out?

_________________________

Have fun! Answers are in the back of the book.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

spooky math

The Vampire Vote (We Vote – We Care)

I feel like it gets out of hand. Obviously our elected officials are not doing their jobs. Oh, right, I live in California so that is a given. A long standing tradition where the state motto Eureka does not stand for “I found my brain”. Maybe we need to bring in some Zombies – they know how to find brains.

From Wikipedia: In California, a ballot proposition is a proposed law that is submitted to the electorate for approval in a direct vote (or plebiscite). It may take the form of a constitutional amendment or an ordinary statute. A ballot proposition may be proposed by the State Legislature or by a petition signed by members of the public under the initiative system. In California a vote on a measure referred to voters by the legislature is a mandatory referendum; a vote to veto a law that has already been adopted by the legislature is an optional referendum or “people’s veto”; the process of proposing laws by petition is the initiative.”

In my opinion it is a mess. It is decided through money and not real information. If we took all of the billions of dollars spent on election propaganda and spent it on schools, science research, National Parks, road repairs…wow just imagine (and don’t start singing that song, you know which one, just cut it out or I will send the Zombies to YOUR house).

THAT SAID: My message is for everyone to VOTE on Tuesday. I might not agree with you or even respect your opinions BUT I DO respect your right to vote. I honor your right to vote. And remember…there are people in other countries who DIE for their right to vote (yes, that still happens).

Also do your RESEARCH. Know WHO and WHAT you are voting on. The ads on TV and the radio don’t tell the truth or only tell half truths. Don’t listen to actors or comedians or late night talk show hosts or haters. Listen to the words of the people running for office. Look at their records. Look at the facts. The better informed you are the better you’ll feel when you vote.

Don’t be IGNORANT. It isn’t attractive.

My husband Teddy, Cody (our Vampire in training – a new Vampire from the Silicone Valley), Lola (my great great great grandmother), my brother Val and the two extremely elderly Vampires (who were sitting on the floor doing bead work or something crafty).

Cody asked “You’re all US citizens, right?.”

“Of course we are,” said my husband Teddy.

“You were born in Panama.” Teddy always thought that was one of the cool things about Teddy.

My parents were US citizens. I was born along the way when they headed out for the Gold Rush in 1849. That made me a citizen of the United States, because my parents were citizens.

“What about you?” He asked Lola and the ancient ones.

“I was born in Rome but I have lived here since 1801.” Lola’s father was a Pope a very long time ago but that is another post.

“The places we were born don’t exist anymore, at least not as cities.” Called one of the ancient Vampires from the floor.

“Vampires vote.” I said. “As do Werewolves. We all work, pay taxes, send our kids to public schools. We drive on the roads, use the parks, need law enforcement and the help of the fire departments. And there aren’t enough of us to help with National Defense. So of course we vote.”

“We pay taxes,” said Val, “more than our share.”

“What about ghosts?” Cody just had to ask.

“They’re dead.” We all said that at once.

“Zombies?”

“If they’re not quite dead yet they can vote, but if they’re dead with complete brain failure and their soul is gone they can’t vote.” I said

“Do Vampires ever run for office?” Cody looked at all of us.

Val answered. “We have but it isn’t a good idea these days with the media being all over the private lives of those running.”

“It could endanger us all,” I said. “We prefer to work in the background. After all, more often than not it is the background people who make the decisions and really run the show.”

“Has there ever been a Vampire president?” Cody asked.

“Not a president but there have been a few elected officials in high places,” Lola answered. She would know.  “A Vice President or two.”

“Why don’t we just come out of the closet?” Cody was new to all of this. The new ones always ask this question time and time again.

“They’d kill us,” said Val. “That or try to put us in camps. It would be a blood bath. No pun intended.”

“People are afraid of what they don’t understand.” The elders said in unison in their quiet musical voices.

“And most people don’t want to understand,” I added.

Teddy looked up and took off his reading glasses. “It is easier to stay ignorant than informed. So let’s get back to the facts.”

So we sat with our voter books and laptops and did our research. Most of us had made up or minds but it was always good to take another look.

Talk to your kids about voting – make sure they register when they turn 18. Get them involved too!

Vote on Tuesday.

And don’t forget to set your clocks back on Sunday!

~ Juliette