Rules For My Young Adult Vampire Children

When I started this blog my youngest was in Middle School. Now my Vampire children are now 18 and 21. They’re both in college and have jobs. They’re adults. Holy shit. They’re adults.

Mind you they aren’t those creepy kind of Vampires who look like teens and go to high school and college forever. They are just like other college students. The only difference is that they’ve always been Vampires. No big deal.

It is time for another one of my famous bulleted lists.

A Few Rules for Young Adult Vampires:

  • Stay away from fan fiction. Don’t read it. Don’t write it.
  • Don’t spend money you don’t have. Pay cash.
  • Don’t cook with wine you wouldn’t drink. You know where I’m going with this. The same thing applies for the necks you choose to bite.
  • Don’t drink bad wine or cheap booze.
  • Keep an open mind.
  • Listen.
  • Read for fun.
  • Vote.
  • Wear sunscreen and sunglasses even when it is raining.
  • If someone asks you to turn them into a Vampire always say NO.
  • If someone asks you if you’re a Vampire always say NO.
  • If you feel uncomfortable the answer is always NO.
  • Being somebody else’s trophy or arm candy is ALWAYS in bad taste.
  • Don’t have your social media accounts under your own name.
  • You’re not a bigot if you avoid Demons, Goblins, or Black Eyed Children.
  • It is ok to be afraid.
  • It is ok to mourn the dead.
  • It is ok to laugh out loud in public.
  • It is ok to not care what others think. You’re a Vampire. Why should you care?
  • Don’t stay in a relationship out of habit. Stay in it out of love and mutual respect.
  • Break up with your bad habits.
  • Don’t date assholes.
  • If someone asks you to move into a crypt with them always say NO.
  • Don’t sleep in coffins. You don’t have to.
  • You don’t have to be a leader, but never be a follower.
  • Learn how to get blood stains out of all kinds of fabric. Keep the cleaning supplies handy.
  • Never be tempted to drain someone of all of their blood. Then you’ve killed them and you have to deal with a body. It isn’t cool. Don’t do it, even if you’re having a party with your friends.
  • Avoid Zombies.
  • Keep basket ball shorts on the court.
  • Try not to let your bra show, especially the back strap. Nobody wants to see that.
  • If you don’t take yourself seriously nobody else will.
  • Avoid humorless Vampires.
  • Don’t worry about Werewolves. They tend to take care of themselves. I know they tend to be tacky dressers, loud, and rude, but don’t get into it with them. You’ll always win, but do yourself a favor and avoid it.
  • Don’t start collecting animals until you own your own home. Your parents have enough animals and don’t need anymore.

I could go on for another hundred points but not today. Sure they know most of this, but it is always good to remind them. Gently remind them.

They might be adults, but they’re still your kids.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

Angry Vampire Rules to Live By

Angry Vampire Rules to Live By

  • Don’t be an asshole, even if you’re a Werewolf.
  • Everyone has a right to their opinion even if you don’t agree.
  • Don’t leave your kids for a piece of ass. You may think it is love, but it is a piece of ass.
  • Don’t lie about your child’s other parent to get your way.
  • If you’re going to cheat on someone who loves you break up with them first.
  • Don’t bait people with your political bull shit.
  • Don’t lie.
  • Don’t pick favorites with your kids.
  • Don’t bring strange men home until your kids grow up.
  • Buck up and be a parent.
  • Don’t tell someone getting over a death to deal with it, or that they’ll meet somebody new, or that the departed was needed by God to be someplace else. Just shut the fuck up and be there for them.
  • Don’t act stupid.
  • If someone posts something on social media that you don’t agree with just pass on it. Don’t comment. You aren’t going to change their mind. You’re just going to make them unfriend you – and make all of their real friends mad at you.
  • Don’t be a troll or a jerk in online groups.
  • Don’t be a troll or a jerk period.
  • Stop getting all butt hurt over everything. Being a fucking prima donna isn’t flattering for anyone (especially when you’re an adult male.)
  • Be nice.
  • Make Twilight references on the Twilight fan page – not here. We’re not fans of perverted old Vampires dating High School girls.  THIS (click HERE) is where you go for that stuff. 
  • Wearing clothing that is too tight will not make you look sexy. It will make you look like a sausage.
  • Read. Something. Anything. Just read.
  • Don’t make excuses for what you read. If you want to read romance, or horror, or technical gardening manuals then DO IT. You don’t have to answer to anyone.
  • Believe in yourself. I know that is hard with everyone in the world telling you not to, but screw them. Believe in you. If you’re reading this I BELIEVE IN YOU. Do it.
  • Tell toxic people to either seek professional help, or tell them to go to Hell. Or tell them nothing and stop talking to them. You don’t need them. They are toxic.
  • If someone tells you that they blog about goats, or rabbits, or Vampires, or Chinese myths, please don’t say, “I don’t really like goats, or rabbits, or Vampires, or Chinese myths.” Just say, “WOW, that is really cool.”
  • History isn’t about dead people. It is about what makes us alive today.
  • Don’t be rude to the help.
  • Don’t expect Vampires to go around with blood dripping from their chins. Seriously, who the Hell does that?
  • Vampires can go out during the day. Get over it.
  • NEVER wear black stockings with open toed shoes. Seriously. Don’t do it.
  • You don’t have to show off your boobs to everyone. Let me say that in another way… you don’t have to show off your tits to everyone. Sometimes it is ok to wear a shirt that covers a little more. Sometimes that is the sexy choice.
  • Nobody gives a shit what your wedding dress looks like. They’re all checking out the level of awfulness in the bridesmaid dresses you picked out.
  • Cats are assholes but you MUST still love them and protect them.
  • Don’t tease animals.
  • Don’t be that asshole at the dog park who tells other dog owners that their is something wrong with their dogs, when everyone knows your dog is the jerk. The same applies to parents of human kids.
  • Your child is not the center of MY universe. Get over it.
  • You don’t have to answer the phone every time it rings.
  • Don’t talk to me about religion or politics.
  • Never brush anyone off or discount their worth because of their age. Young or old – everyone has value, and their words, opinions, and talents have worth.
  • Don’t say shit about the state I live in. I’m in California. Nuff said. I love it. I’m here for the long haul. Get over it. If you like where you live I’m happy for you. Seriously. Stop hating on me.
  • We’re Vampires, not flesh rotting Zombies. We’re not rotting. Get over it.
  • Watch out for Goblins.
  • Be there for your kids.
  • Talk to your kids.
  • Talk with your kids.
  • Listen to your children.
  • Don’t judge your teens.
  • Listen to your teens.
  • I’m going to say it again – Listen to your teens. Don’t judge them. Hear what they have to say. Hug them. Be there for them. Don’t discount their opinions or dreams.
  • Tread lightly near angry Vampire moms.

Feel free to share your angry rules in the comments below. If you troll anyone (including me) I’ll remove the comment. Or leave cute comments about your cats or dogs. That will work too.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

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A few things kids should know

I haven’t done famous bulleted parenting lists lately so here we go…

On the beach

 

All families are different. We all have different parenting styles. That is ok with me. That is because I know all kids are different. And in the end if we love them and teach them to be smart and educate them they’ll turn out ok. If we talk to them and they know we’ll listen to them they’ll be ok. If they know they’re safe with us, their parents, they’ll be ok.

 

A few things kids should know:

  • Some people start out with charmed lives and make stupid mistakes.
  • Some people start out with charmed lives and make smart choices – but tragedy befalls them.
  • Some people are just stupid.
  • Some people claw and fight their way to the top and then have charmed lives.
  • Some people realize that they can change.
  • Some people don’t.
  • Sometimes it takes a long time to become someone you like and admire.
  • Some people never learn that.
  • Some people are stupid when they’re young and grow out of it.
  • Some people learn from their mistakes.
  • Some people never learn.
  • Some people always seem to be lost.
  • But most find their way.

 

  • Not all people or families are like yours.
  • That isn’t a good thing or a bad thing – it is just a thing. Maybe more of a good thing because it keeps us from getting bored and boring.

 

  • Don’t get involved with things that piss people off and will end up hurting you in the end (extreme politics, mommy wars, religious wars, cults, hero-worship, obsessive fandom, self mutilation, eating contests, dating slugs, etc etc etc.) Yes, there is a reason why things piss people off.

 

  • Mind your manners. Respect the right of others to express their opinions.

 

  • Don’t be a follower. You don’t have to be a leader, but never be a follower.

 

  • Don’t wait for him to make the first move.

 

Those are the things we need to discuss with our children and young adults. It is easy to be thrown into the world to flounder. Sure we need to make our mistakes and learn from it all, but wouldn’t it be easier if kids had the right tools and a little bit of help. By help I mean guidance. By help I mean someone to talk to.

Werewolves tell their children to “Howl at the Moon!” That is good advice for anyone. Sing your song loud and clear. Sing the song of who you are and what you are – even if you are singing alone.

 

 

Have a good summer everyone (even if you’re sticking around here with me.)

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

blu butterfly

Vampire Rules to Live By

Vampire Words to live by. Can’t think of a witty introduction. Just read it and FOLLOW the rules.

  • If they don’t taste human they probably aren’t.
  • Don’t prey on the weak or sick or the mentally ill.
  • If you want to be a tall cool blonde forget it unless you ARE a TALL COOL BLONDE.
  • Take time for holidays.
  • Have a purse big enough for at least a paperback novel.
  • ADULTS in dance groups should NEVER wear primary colored costumes/shirts. It looks stupid.
  • Don’t take more than two pints in a single engagement.
  • Don’t get emotionally involved with your prey. It is ok to like them, to be friends with them and to do business with them. That said, NEVER fall in love with them or hate them.
  • Hate can be as strong as love. Don’t do it.
  • Indifference is more powerful than hate. If you’re going to hate someone that means they still have control over you. If you forget them and don’t care then you have control over them.
  • Always carry one of those stain pens in your purse.
  • Always brush your teeth before you go out on a hunt.
  • Be nice to others.
  • Don’t be a dick.

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