Mom mom mom mom mom mom mom mom


I got stuck in traffic and I left my phone at home. This is what happens. By the way, I’m Mom mom mom mom mom mom mom. I DID remember to bring the dog.


But wait, it gets better.


Yes, I got there. All is well.

Seriously, I couldn’t make this stuff up.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Mom versus the Alien Girl

space girl



When you twenty year old son is texting with his friends about the Star Trek preview with the Kirk and the weird space alien girl, and he sends it to the wrong number.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman



Tofu, Vampires and Growing Up


Yes, they might be in college and living on their own but they are still kids.

My child Garrett, and his roommates Layla, Bailey, Randy and now Austin, are going to have a dinner party this weekend to celebrate the new school year. Yes, there are five of them now. Austin just moved into a space the size of a closet as the fifth roomie.

So what is on the menu I asked? There are three Vampires, a Werewolf, and now Austin who is just a regular guy.

I had to ask, as a concerned parent, about Austin. Garrett said he was cool. His great great Uncle Bill is a Vampire so Austin is ok. Bill used to babysit him when he was a kid. He took Austin to Europe for a month after he graduated from high school. Austin knows Vampires.

Anyway, so what’s for dinner?

Tofu? Maybe. They’ll figure it out.

That is the wonderful thing about being nineteen is that you have to figure out almost everything, even though you think you know everything already.

But it is a good thing Mom is still there to answer any questions.


~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Love in the 21st Century for those born in the 19th Century

Love in the 21st Century for those born in the 19th Century (Modern Vampires)

My brothers and I are young compared to a lot of Vampires, but face it, we were born in the mid-19th century and things have changed a lot since we were teens and first started to woo, court and romance the opposite sex.

My brother Aaron and I are the parents. We’ve seen our modern children (his in their early 20’s, mine in high school) romancing or at least thinking about it, but in a different more forward way than we ever did. Of course being Vampires we were a little freer thinking than regular humans of our time but we were a lot more formal than kids are now.

But I remember dancing under the stars with my husband (sometime in the late 1880’s before he was my husband) and slipping a note into his pocket. Does anyone do that anymore or is it just texts? Then again, Teddy didn’t find the note until a year later. Actually another woman found it. She was none too pleased. And I’d wondered why I hadn’t heard from him. If I’d just texted him, used Instagram or use Snapchat to send him a string of T&A shots…but still there would have been no guarantees. And NO my kids will NOT be using Snapchat (also known as Snatchchat.)

Which brings us to my other three brothers, all single and still trying to find their way through the wilds of the female brain (so they call it) and still almost clueless when it comes to relationships.

Right now Andrew is nursing a broken heart and mending his tragic soul in Patagonia. But he is not alone as he would have been in the past. He is brooding in the windy mountains and beaches of the Tierra del Fuego but he sends me emails every single day. He even sends clips of songs he is writing. No waiting months for letters. He can cry on my shoulder all hours of the day and night.  In return I send him messages saying “DON’T CONTACT HER. SHE ISN’T WORTH IT.” And for goodness sake don’t send her any photos unless it is of the desolate landscape then you can compare it to the desolation and isolation of your heart and soul. Yes, my brothers are way too dramatic for their own good. That is one reason they’re always getting their hearts broken.

Val (short for Valentine) like his namesake actually is smart when it comes to romance in the modern world. He appreciates and admires independent women. He is an expert at all known communication technology. But he still appreciates the face-to-face experience.

“You can’t smell someone in a text.” Val enjoys the physical way too much…

And this is where you hear the sound effect of a needle sliding over the surface of a vinyl record (if you don’t know what that is look it up.)


“You’re at it again Juliette, queen of Vampire smut. Stop with the lame writing and put your mind to the task.”

I looked up from my keyboard to see the ghost brooding in front of me. His eyes were like black coals and his dark hair flew around his face (a cool trick considering there was no wind.)

“I don’t write smut. And it is called writer’s block.” I told him. “I don’t feel amused today at all or witty or charming. I also don’t feel like dealing with you.”

“You shouldn’t pressure yourself. If you need to write just go on Facebook and say something cute about your kids or sucking blood or whatever you Vampires say to each other.” He gave me an evil smile that was both snarky and made him look more attractive than he should have looked.

“Love,” the ghost continued, “isn’t any different today than it ever way. The tools might be different, but it all comes from the heart. It comes from common attraction and interest, but even more so it comes from the unexpected. That is why I don’t always like the idea of filling out an online survey of likes and interests only to have it spit out a clone of the opposite sex. I wouldn’t fall in love with myself if I were a girl. I want someone who isn’t me.  I mean, don’t you get bored with yourself? Oh right, you’re bored with yourself right now.”

He had a valid point, even if he is a ghost.

Anyway…that is all for today. I’m going to be away for a few days but I will be checking on my iPhone.

And if you really want romantic advice check out (click on the links below):

Uncle Val’s Advice on Women (for Vampires and Everyone Else) and

Advice on Girls from Uncle Max

and Art, Love and the Romantic Soul

and Love and the teenage soul

Search around on my blog…about half of the posts are on love and romance of some kind.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Where did they put their smart phones?

Where did they put their smart phones?

Charity Auctions, Murder Mystery Parties, Vampires and BB Guns

Charity Events

My husband and I go to a lot of charity event. You know those events where somebody talks, tables are spread with silent auction items, raffle tickets are sold, people mingle, drink alcoholic beverages and sometimes even dance to bad DJ music. If you’re lucky there is live music. And it is usually a lot of fun. And of course great for Vampires looking for a quick bite.

So we’re at an event last night, that I won’t name due to privacy issues and there are a lot of Vampires. By a lot I mean more than 4 but less than a dozen out of a room of 250 people. There were 10 Vampires, most of them friends of ours.

Vampires who pretend to be Vampires and people who don’t shut up

I’m making my way across the room when I hear someone call my name then find myself cornered by none other than Octavia (another Vampire). Here real name is Maxine but she doesn’t feel that is a fitting Vampire name. She even used the names Mina and Lucy for a while until someone told her to cut it out. Octavia wore a black dress with one of those uneven handkerchief hems and a neckline that was just a tad too low. I was tempted to dump my drink down her top to try to wash away all of the glitter lotion she’d spread over her chest. Yes, she was wearing glitter. The woman is freakin nuts.

She corners me with her usual mix of excited energy. I try to get away but find I’m cornered so I decide to be polite. She starts to talk. And talk and talk and talk.

Octavia of the glittery boobs says “Wouldn’t it be exciting if we had our own world kind of like in the Harry Potter Movies or Underworld. We could even have our own Vampire High School like Hogwarts.”

I gave her the look and said “There is already a place like that. It’s called Transylvania.” And no real Vampire in his or her right mind would live there.

“I’m serious Juliette. We could have our own holidays and culture. We wouldn’t have to hide.”

“What would we eat” I had to ask. I mean, if there were only Vampires we couldn’t just survive on our organic night gardens.

“We’d bring in willing donors. I can’t tell you how many people would be on the waiting list.  For example, take tonight. Nobody here knows we’re Vampires. We take from people who are unaware a Vampire has even bitten them.” She looked across the room and gasped and put her hand on her glittery chest. “Now just imagine HIM spread out willing and ready on your Thanksgiving table? Oh my God he is beautiful.” She pointed to an exceptionally handsome man who glanced our way and smiled at me.

“That man,” I said, trying not to slap her, “is a Vampire and he is my husband.”

She didn’t miss a beat. “Really? He is absolutely yummy movie star handsome. How did you manage to pull that one off?”

I excused myself and headed towards Mr. Thanksgiving Dinner. Octavia aka Maxine became a Vampire in the 1920’s. It was unfortunate because she is totally unsuited for it. She lives in a fantasy world of B-Movie nonsense.

Don’t get me wrong. I was wearing a black and purple dress with smoky eyes and dark nails with shoes that had impossibly high heels, BUT I wasn’t in a costume. And I have a lot of friends who live the more nocturnal Vampire lifestyle, but they aren’t play acting out a popular novel.

The kids are alright

I was texting my daughter to say we’d be home later than planned.

The kids were home with friends watching Paranormal 36 and another movie that was like Glee but with college girls.

I tried to do a screen shot of our texts but I ended us shutting my phone off so I’ll just key it in.

Me: Someone just paid $100 for a BB gun in the auction. We should go back to Walmart and get one and let that nice little man help us again.

My daughter Clara: HA HA HA we should do that.

Adventures Walmart and BB Guns

About two years ago my husband Teddy and I were invited to one of those role playing murder mystery parties. We all got assigned characters and a sheet of paper describing our characters and all of our character’s relationships.

My husband was assigned the role the Vampire King. I laughed so hard.

He said “I hate these things. Do I have to go?”

You see, our friends, who hosted the party don’t know we are Vampires, but that’s ok. They’re friends we have dinner with. Not friends we have for dinner. There is a difference.

Anyway I was a princess of the sea so I decided to go in more of a New England fisherman princess sort of costume. I had a yellow slicker and knew that I’d find big black rubber fishing boots at Walmart.

It was after midnight when Clara and I arrived at the local 24 hour Walmart. We took a basket and went for a joy ride around the store. We found the boots then headed for the sporting goods section for more fishing stuff.

And there, like the holy grail was the shelf with Red Ryder BB Guns. They were cheap too. We lit up like Christmas trees we were so excited. We laughed and laughed as we put a BB gun, ammo, safety eqipment and all the trimmings into our basket. We walked around the store for about an hour giggling about the gun and wondering what DAD would say. We also giggled because we were being followed by a store employee who tried to look important. He never said a word but just watched this mother/daughter team with a gun in their cart laughing their silly heads off. Finally he stood in front of us in the cat food isle and said “Can I help you ladies?” We said NO and started laughing again. We left with two pairs of boots, one black and one plaid. We put back the BB gun but we still laugh about it and say to each other “Can I help you ladies?”

The Vampire King

So my husband complains for weeks about being assigned the role of Vampire King. He says he HATES role-playing. He won’t shut up about it. So finally the night of the party I dress up in my Slicker and boots and nets and fake fish on strings. He is in a black Hugo Boss suit with a black shirt and black tie. He is so sexy and pissed off and I’m loving it.

So to make a short story even longer, he steals the show, he is the star, he is amazing as the Vampire King. He is also one of the three characters who gets murdered which is a surprise to me. He had a great time. He even admitted it.

All said everyone had a good time.

So Back to Annoying Vampires

So Octavia keeps spouting off about how she would love to feast on a child just once. I am appalled and go talk to her handlers. Yes, nobody lets her go anywhere alone. Thank goodness she lives in Boston with a group who keeps track of her. I swear she should be locked up. She is harmless and would never take a child but she says such stupid things and maybe one day she’ll learn.

But all in all…

We had a good time. We usually do. In fact, we almost always do.

Have fun and don’t forget your rain boots.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

our bootsv