My husband and I go to a lot of charity event. You know those events where somebody talks, tables are spread with silent auction items, raffle tickets are sold, people mingle, drink alcoholic beverages and sometimes even dance to bad DJ music. If you’re lucky there is live music. And it is usually a lot of fun. And of course great for Vampires looking for a quick bite.
So we’re at an event last night, that I won’t name due to privacy issues and there are a lot of Vampires. By a lot I mean more than 4 but less than a dozen out of a room of 250 people. There were 10 Vampires, most of them friends of ours.
Vampires who pretend to be Vampires and people who don’t shut up
I’m making my way across the room when I hear someone call my name then find myself cornered by none other than Octavia (another Vampire). Here real name is Maxine but she doesn’t feel that is a fitting Vampire name. She even used the names Mina and Lucy for a while until someone told her to cut it out. Octavia wore a black dress with one of those uneven handkerchief hems and a neckline that was just a tad too low. I was tempted to dump my drink down her top to try to wash away all of the glitter lotion she’d spread over her chest. Yes, she was wearing glitter. The woman is freakin nuts.
She corners me with her usual mix of excited energy. I try to get away but find I’m cornered so I decide to be polite. She starts to talk. And talk and talk and talk.
Octavia of the glittery boobs says “Wouldn’t it be exciting if we had our own world kind of like in the Harry Potter Movies or Underworld. We could even have our own Vampire High School like Hogwarts.”
I gave her the look and said “There is already a place like that. It’s called Transylvania.” And no real Vampire in his or her right mind would live there.
“I’m serious Juliette. We could have our own holidays and culture. We wouldn’t have to hide.”
“What would we eat” I had to ask. I mean, if there were only Vampires we couldn’t just survive on our organic night gardens.
“We’d bring in willing donors. I can’t tell you how many people would be on the waiting list. For example, take tonight. Nobody here knows we’re Vampires. We take from people who are unaware a Vampire has even bitten them.” She looked across the room and gasped and put her hand on her glittery chest. “Now just imagine HIM spread out willing and ready on your Thanksgiving table? Oh my God he is beautiful.” She pointed to an exceptionally handsome man who glanced our way and smiled at me.
“That man,” I said, trying not to slap her, “is a Vampire and he is my husband.”
She didn’t miss a beat. “Really? He is absolutely yummy movie star handsome. How did you manage to pull that one off?”
I excused myself and headed towards Mr. Thanksgiving Dinner. Octavia aka Maxine became a Vampire in the 1920’s. It was unfortunate because she is totally unsuited for it. She lives in a fantasy world of B-Movie nonsense.
Don’t get me wrong. I was wearing a black and purple dress with smoky eyes and dark nails with shoes that had impossibly high heels, BUT I wasn’t in a costume. And I have a lot of friends who live the more nocturnal Vampire lifestyle, but they aren’t play acting out a popular novel.
The kids are alright
I was texting my daughter to say we’d be home later than planned.
The kids were home with friends watching Paranormal 36 and another movie that was like Glee but with college girls.
I tried to do a screen shot of our texts but I ended us shutting my phone off so I’ll just key it in.
Me: Someone just paid $100 for a BB gun in the auction. We should go back to Walmart and get one and let that nice little man help us again.
My daughter Clara: HA HA HA we should do that.
Adventures Walmart and BB Guns
About two years ago my husband Teddy and I were invited to one of those role playing murder mystery parties. We all got assigned characters and a sheet of paper describing our characters and all of our character’s relationships.
My husband was assigned the role the Vampire King. I laughed so hard.
He said “I hate these things. Do I have to go?”
You see, our friends, who hosted the party don’t know we are Vampires, but that’s ok. They’re friends we have dinner with. Not friends we have for dinner. There is a difference.
Anyway I was a princess of the sea so I decided to go in more of a New England fisherman princess sort of costume. I had a yellow slicker and knew that I’d find big black rubber fishing boots at Walmart.
It was after midnight when Clara and I arrived at the local 24 hour Walmart. We took a basket and went for a joy ride around the store. We found the boots then headed for the sporting goods section for more fishing stuff.
And there, like the holy grail was the shelf with Red Ryder BB Guns. They were cheap too. We lit up like Christmas trees we were so excited. We laughed and laughed as we put a BB gun, ammo, safety eqipment and all the trimmings into our basket. We walked around the store for about an hour giggling about the gun and wondering what DAD would say. We also giggled because we were being followed by a store employee who tried to look important. He never said a word but just watched this mother/daughter team with a gun in their cart laughing their silly heads off. Finally he stood in front of us in the cat food isle and said “Can I help you ladies?” We said NO and started laughing again. We left with two pairs of boots, one black and one plaid. We put back the BB gun but we still laugh about it and say to each other “Can I help you ladies?”
The Vampire King
So my husband complains for weeks about being assigned the role of Vampire King. He says he HATES role-playing. He won’t shut up about it. So finally the night of the party I dress up in my Slicker and boots and nets and fake fish on strings. He is in a black Hugo Boss suit with a black shirt and black tie. He is so sexy and pissed off and I’m loving it.
So to make a short story even longer, he steals the show, he is the star, he is amazing as the Vampire King. He is also one of the three characters who gets murdered which is a surprise to me. He had a great time. He even admitted it.
All said everyone had a good time.
So Back to Annoying Vampires
So Octavia keeps spouting off about how she would love to feast on a child just once. I am appalled and go talk to her handlers. Yes, nobody lets her go anywhere alone. Thank goodness she lives in Boston with a group who keeps track of her. I swear she should be locked up. She is harmless and would never take a child but she says such stupid things and maybe one day she’ll learn.
But all in all…
We had a good time. We usually do. In fact, we almost always do.
Have fun and don’t forget your rain boots.
~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman