The Art of Writing Love Letters is Alive and Well (even for Zombies and Ghosts)

In honor of Valentine’s Day I’m posting my most popular love and romance bits today. Enjoy. xoxoxox

Vampire Maman


My brother Val always says “love isn’t a physical thing. It is a meeting of souls. Be it friendship or romantic lovers, it is something we can write about and dream about, but we can never truly explain or define it.”

The Art of Writing Love Letters is Alive and Well (even for Zombies & Ghosts)

The most popular post on this blog is “How to respond to a love letter.”  Really. Seriously, go on Google and look up how to respond to a love letter and it will bring you right back here. Out of the zillion or so things I’ve written on just about every subject everything always circles around back to LOVE.

That is proof that the art of letter writing is not completely dead (YES – real scientific proof)AND romance is still alive and well.

Everyone writes love letters. And that means YOU

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How to write a love letter (just a few words are all you need)

You’re the warm summer breeze against my skin. You’re a warm embrace on a cold winter night. You’re the hot in my chocolate. You’re the key to my lock. You’re the one …

Source: How to write a love letter (just a few words are all you need)


Late night

Secret meetings

She dares not let her heart

Beat where he

Can hear it.


He calls and she

Is there.

Or was there

For a while

A dream or

An apparition

Or maybe just a real girl

Without a heart

To beat for him.


He thinks of her,


She hears his thoughts,

He wonders if he could capture

Her heart



She wonders

If his blood

Is still in her veins.



Or maybe it is something else

That makes her heart beat

At the thought

Of him.


~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman


girl in grass

Uncle Val’s Advice on Women (for Vampires and everyone else)

Uncle Val’s Advice on Women (for Vampires but it works for everyone)


My brother Val is visiting for the weekend. My kids Garrett (age 16) and Clara (age 13) adore him.

That said, he decided Garrett needed some advice on women. Not that Garrett needs it – every girl in his high school has a crush on him. Sometime I think he has a crush on every girl as well. But he is level headed and smarter than most boys his age when it comes to girls. Yes, Garrett is a bit of romantic but that’s ok with me. I’d rather him be a smart romantic than a stupid player.

Val is a 156 year old Vampire who definitely does not still live in the 19th century. He is single and savvy. He is also sweet and exceptionally caring, especially about the elders and children of our family and friends.

So this is how the conversation went.

Clara: Boys are stupid.

Val: Yes, they are.

Garrett: What about me.

Val: You’re her brother. You don’t count.

Garrett: What about girls? They aren’t perfect.

Val: Women are crazy but the craziness depends on the level of psychosis. They’re also smarter than we are so just admit it and let them know that.

Me (Juliette): So I’m smarter than you.

Val: No, you aren’t.

Me: Why is that?

Val: You’re my baby sister.

Me: You said boys are stupid.

Val: They are.

Teddy (my husband): He’s right.

Val to Garrett: Vampire girls are independent these days. It used to be that you’d just bring them a few small children or a baby and they’d be happy.

Clara and Garrett together: That’s gross.

Val: We don’t do that anymore.

Teddy: WE never did that.

Me: Your grandparents never did THAT.

Val: My point being that most Vampire women like to hunt for their own food. They don’t need guys to bring it to them.

Teddy: Keep digging Val.

And then we talked about general behavior and a few funny and awful stories but in the end Val passed on his time honored rules about women. Here they are…

Uncle Valentine’s General Rules About Women – If you like them and want to keep one around.

  1. Don’t talk about how much you love beer on the first sip. And I say sip. Don’t glug it. And unless you’re talking microbrews or party planning don’t talk about beer. Even then keep it brief.
  2. Don’t act like you are having a love affair with your car, motorcycle or truck. She doesn’t give a shit.
  3. Wear a decent shirt. Button down is best. Roll the sleeves up and show your forearms off. Women think that’s hot.
  4. Don’t act like a dog and paw all over her. Wait for her to give a signal and be a gentleman for God’s sake. Get crazy in bed….excuse me my sister reminded me we have teenagers in the room.
  5. Use good table manners.
  6. Don’t take the last cookie unless you ask her if she wants it. Women go crazy if you take the last of anything.
  7. Don’t talk about your ex-girlfriend/wife. Mention that there was one at one time then QUIT.
  8. Don’t bring her small children or babies…just kidding. But really, don’t do it.
  9. They all like flowers but something other than the same old red roses. How about pink roses with lilies. She’ll go crazy stupid in love with you if you add lilies.
  10. NEVER criticize her hair or tell her that she is too fat or too skinny – not even in a nice way. DON’T go there.
  11. If she clings and cries RUN AWAY.
  12. If she is needy RUN AWAY.
  13. If she is mean to you RUN AWAY.
  14. If she is a bitch RUN AWAY.
  15. If she shows more than a hint of jealousness RUN AWAY.
  16. If she talks about her ex too much RUN AWAY.
  17. If she talks about her dog or cat as if it is a baby and brings it on the date RUN AWAY.
  18. If she is a Werewolf or a Goblin RUN AWAY.
  19. If you love her…just be careful.
  20. If she is a regular human and not a Vampire DO NOT GIVE HER YOUR HEART.
  21. If she isn’t a Vampire NEVER turn her into one. Don’t even think about it.
  22. If you like her – tell her so.
  23. Have fun. Don’t lead her on. Don’t let her lead you on.
  24. Respect her.
  25. Show her respect. And expect her to respect you.
  26. If she is not a Vampire don’t use her for your main food source. In fact, if you’re dating don’t use her as a food source, period. Don’t mix food and sex or love.
  27. Women are crazy but you gotta love them. I love women. They’re like a drug and like any drug you don’t want to abuse it or over use it. Take what you need and don’t be greedy.

“OK Val, I said. I think that’s enough advice for the night.” I said.

gold bow

Thanks for dropping by.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

The Follies of Love and Mistakes of Others – A Lesson for Teens

Go into love with your eyes open. Love doesn’t have to be blind. It shouldn’t be blind.

As Vampires we can be pretty unsentimental and harsh when it comes to life and emotions. At the same time, because we are complex creatures, we’re also romantics. Don’t be confused – I bet you know a lot of people like that.

I have four brothers. Over the years I’ve watched them succeed in almost everything they do, but I’ve seen three of them fail at love, time and again. Not as bad as some of my human friends, but it baffles me how they can be so stupid. Then again, I look at some of my choices when I was younger and think the same thing.

Which brings us to our teens…

PLEASE learn from your mistakes and the mistakes of others and relay those mistakes as cautionary tales to your kids.

Don’t tell me that they have to learn and make their own choices…yes they DO have to learn and WILL make choices, but wouldn’t you like those to be wise choices with their eyes open and not stupid choices that could ruin their lives?

After Thanksgiving my family members and I went for a night walk by the lake. In front of us was my brother Max and his new girlfriend Roxanna.

“She is like something out of one of those horrible old Doris Day movies.” said my 19 year old niece Lauren. “No self respecting Vampire woman should be like that.”

Roxanna is a bit old fashioned. She is almost 19th Century in some of her attitudes. But there is my brother, my brother the rescuer about to ruin his life with someone who insists she needs a man to take care of her. This is pathetic enough with regular humans but even more pathetic in Vampires.

In her defense she spend almost 40 years with a man who kept her under his thumb, guiding her every move. She did exactly what he wanted. She believed exactly what he wanted her to believe. She was his pet, his slave, his helper, his door mat. So when she found herself on her own she needed someone else to tell her what to do, think for her and keep her.

In comes my brother, the rescuer. Sometimes it is a noble effort, but he shouldn’t do it when his own heart is concerned.

Yes, she is beautiful, but she plays games. She doles out sex like a reward (I suspect she does) for good behavior. She is clueless on basics of modern society, pop culture, every day life.  She is so needy. Every little thing baffles her.

From what I understand, she goes from man to man to man, squinting in the light, expecting them to keep her in the dark both literally and figuratively.

I looked at my two teens and Laruen and said “Don’t get involved with anyone like Roxanna. If you do I’ll I will guarantee you’ll ruin your lives.”

On the surface Roxanna is a lovely beautiful woman. Keep her around for a while and you’ll find someone who is helpless and broken. She would be a burden to Max.

I watch him take her hand and kiss it under the moonlight. She smiles and acts coy. I gag.

I know it just sounds like gossip, but it’s ok for our kids to learn from the mistakes of adults or their potential mistakes.

Yes, I’d planned or more details and whatever on this but I guess it all comes down to common sense and my usual mantra of “TALK TO YOUR KIDS, talk to your kids, talk to your kids.” Not at them but with them.

And I just need to tell my brother to pull his head out of his…whatever. He never listens to me anyway.

~ Juliette

Kisses That Never Get Old

Kisses that never get old…


I walked up the trail under a Maxfield Parrish sky and thought of the loves I have known….Now comes the sound of the needle scratching over the vinyl.

There WAS a Maxfield Parrish sky. Rolling hills and bare winter oaks like black lace against the dusk. A red tail hawk, as large as an eagle, called and flew by. My dog ran in front of me up the trail, looking for the scent of anything and everything.

I was thinking of a theme for a romance story. Maybe looking back on the men of my past. I tried to compare each one to great romance books I’d read, but there was no comparison. Fond memories are even fonder now that I know that they are happily married with families. We’ve all grown up and become middle aged. Romance is now something else.

The thrill of the hunt now comes from finding the perfect light fixture for the downstairs bathroom. It is stealing a kiss at the child’s sport practice. It is piling up on the couch under a blanket and watching TV and talking about history and art and school and planning the next party while trying to figure out who the killer is and why we watch shows with such bad writing. It is from taking the leap and telling my husband to start that business he always dreamed of. It is about finishing a book or two or three. It is about building and creating – and that is romance. Along with the hand that brushes the small of my back when we’re in the kitchen, the hand that takes mine when we walk together, the afternoon “just checking in” calls, and the kisses that never get old or tired.