Uncle Val’s Advice on Women (for Vampires but it works for everyone)
My brother Val is visiting for the weekend. My kids Garrett (age 16) and Clara (age 13) adore him.
That said, he decided Garrett needed some advice on women. Not that Garrett needs it – every girl in his high school has a crush on him. Sometime I think he has a crush on every girl as well. But he is level headed and smarter than most boys his age when it comes to girls. Yes, Garrett is a bit of romantic but that’s ok with me. I’d rather him be a smart romantic than a stupid player.
Val is a 156 year old Vampire who definitely does not still live in the 19th century. He is single and savvy. He is also sweet and exceptionally caring, especially about the elders and children of our family and friends.
So this is how the conversation went.
Clara: Boys are stupid.
Val: Yes, they are.
Garrett: What about me.
Val: You’re her brother. You don’t count.
Garrett: What about girls? They aren’t perfect.
Val: Women are crazy but the craziness depends on the level of psychosis. They’re also smarter than we are so just admit it and let them know that.
Me (Juliette): So I’m smarter than you.
Val: No, you aren’t.
Me: Why is that?
Val: You’re my baby sister.
Me: You said boys are stupid.
Val: They are.
Teddy (my husband): He’s right.
Val to Garrett: Vampire girls are independent these days. It used to be that you’d just bring them a few small children or a baby and they’d be happy.
Clara and Garrett together: That’s gross.
Val: We don’t do that anymore.
Teddy: WE never did that.
Me: Your grandparents never did THAT.
Val: My point being that most Vampire women like to hunt for their own food. They don’t need guys to bring it to them.
Teddy: Keep digging Val.
And then we talked about general behavior and a few funny and awful stories but in the end Val passed on his time honored rules about women. Here they are…
Uncle Valentine’s General Rules About Women – If you like them and want to keep one around.
- Don’t talk about how much you love beer on the first sip. And I say sip. Don’t glug it. And unless you’re talking microbrews or party planning don’t talk about beer. Even then keep it brief.
- Don’t act like you are having a love affair with your car, motorcycle or truck. She doesn’t give a shit.
- Wear a decent shirt. Button down is best. Roll the sleeves up and show your forearms off. Women think that’s hot.
- Don’t act like a dog and paw all over her. Wait for her to give a signal and be a gentleman for God’s sake. Get crazy in bed….excuse me my sister reminded me we have teenagers in the room.
- Use good table manners.
- Don’t take the last cookie unless you ask her if she wants it. Women go crazy if you take the last of anything.
- Don’t talk about your ex-girlfriend/wife. Mention that there was one at one time then QUIT.
- Don’t bring her small children or babies…just kidding. But really, don’t do it.
- They all like flowers but something other than the same old red roses. How about pink roses with lilies. She’ll go crazy stupid in love with you if you add lilies.
- NEVER criticize her hair or tell her that she is too fat or too skinny – not even in a nice way. DON’T go there.
- If she clings and cries RUN AWAY.
- If she is needy RUN AWAY.
- If she is mean to you RUN AWAY.
- If she is a bitch RUN AWAY.
- If she shows more than a hint of jealousness RUN AWAY.
- If she talks about her ex too much RUN AWAY.
- If she talks about her dog or cat as if it is a baby and brings it on the date RUN AWAY.
- If she is a Werewolf or a Goblin RUN AWAY.
- If you love her…just be careful.
- If she is a regular human and not a Vampire DO NOT GIVE HER YOUR HEART.
- If she isn’t a Vampire NEVER turn her into one. Don’t even think about it.
- If you like her – tell her so.
- Have fun. Don’t lead her on. Don’t let her lead you on.
- Respect her.
- Show her respect. And expect her to respect you.
- If she is not a Vampire don’t use her for your main food source. In fact, if you’re dating don’t use her as a food source, period. Don’t mix food and sex or love.
- Women are crazy but you gotta love them. I love women. They’re like a drug and like any drug you don’t want to abuse it or over use it. Take what you need and don’t be greedy.
“OK Val, I said. I think that’s enough advice for the night.” I said.
Thanks for dropping by.
~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman