Just talking about teens (Boys are Stupid: Part 28)

Girl Child (age 16): I’d hate myself if I was a teenage boy. I am so glad I’m a girl. If you’re a boy you’re expected to act cool, drop F bombs a hundred times a day, say the N word a hundred times a day for no reason because they think they’re cool but they’re a bunch of stupid little boys, you stink all the time, if you get near another guy and give him a bro hug you have to say “No homo.” Boys are so insecure. Then they go home and be perfect little clean mouthed little polite mommy’s boys.

Man Child (age 19): We’re not all like that and the rest grow out of it. Most of us grow out of it.

Girl Child: Sure, you and my guy friends. But the rest of the guys. They’re all a bunch of F boys. They posture like a bunch of monkeys. I feel sorry for you.

As a mom I just listen. Girls swoon over the Man-child. The Girl-child is going to break hearts. They are both going to grow up and realize that they were on the right track – more than either of their parents (or at least more than I was.)

Some of you might be horrified but all kids talk like this, at least the ones I know. They talk about life and love and what they see and hear at school.

Then I watch them both sit in the cool dining room with the shades drawn, working on school work for fall. They’ll laugh together until their sides split, then they’ll study and study and study. I’m not helicopter parent – they do this on their own.

For all parents of young children my advice would be to guide your kids. Talk to them. Encourage them to be curious. Teach them study skills. And let them know that at a certain age that it is on them to work for their future. Let them know that they should be kids, but prepare them to be adults.

Sure they’ll make mistakes. How else can one learn?

I let them speak their minds around me too. I don’t want them ever to be afraid to speak or feel they have to have secrets.

But I swear, being around teens is like a 24/7 comedy club. I have to write this stuff down as they say it, or record it.

Oh well. Just thinking out loud.

So your assignment for this week is to hug your kids, listen to them, laugh with them and love them. And tell them not to be jerks or try not to offend everyone they see. It isn’t cool. It is just stupid.


~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman




Philosophers v.s. Teenage Boys and Other Musings on High School

High School is better this year – in 10th grade.

My 15 year old is still complaining about bad behavior and stupid classmates but not quite as much as last year. She also continues woefully about being sold down the river in Middle School. Yes, the Montessori promise did not pan out and her school did not teach the kids all that they promised so the kids were unprepared and a lot of them unsupported in their efforts to get a good start in the right classes in high school. That was something I did not expect either.

This year my brilliant child is frustrated by her English class. She hated her teacher last year (who thought she was some sort of dark goth girl) and this year English proves to be almost as bad. The teacher seems annoyed when she asked questions and never gives clear directions. If you have kids in high school (who talk to you) you know what I’m talking about.

She could be like Emily who asks the teacher questions like, “is China in Europe?”

Or when the history teacher was talking about the black plague in Europe said, “Excuse me? Should you be saying African American plague?” Emily was told to sit down and not make any more comments.

She is one of those kids who speaks of the Greek philosopher Sew-crats.

And speaking of Greek philosophers my daughter Clara has opinions on them as well. She told me, “Greek Philosophers were like a teenage boy with Aspergers. They hated women. They hated everyone else. They thought they were smarter than anyone else. They were never open to anyone else’s ideas. The society they created would have NEVER worked. Why the crap do people think they were so smart?

They were like teenage boys. Teenage boys are all stupid. They only thing in their brains are food, rap music, the N word, swearing, naked girls, weight lifting, sports, farts and their stupid friends. 

The guys who are MY friends aren’t like that. For example Jake’s brain is like mine only it is slightly more vacuous with more sports in there.”

Note: Keep in mind that my daughter has had several friends with various degrees of Aspergers and other differences and not all of them have been like the boy she described. Most have been lovely and interesting and very nice friends. A lot of people are like the boy she described and they are considered normal (whatever that means). We usually just call them assholes. Yes, this is my disclaimer for those who expect me to be politically correct at all times (sorry I’m not). 

I wonder if the people who claim to be experts in education know exactly what they are dealing with when the teenage brain is concerned. They have to realize with Common Core and other Standards what they are dealing with. It isn’t that ideal “perfect” student. Teenage brains are complex and mysterious things full of a million more things than ours. We think they aren’t thinking but they are… they just don’t think like us.

A long time ago, back before my current life and the current century, I spent some time in the company of a young Philosophy professor. He was sometimes sweet, sometimes eccentric, always smart and usually interesting and usually pretty open minded… that said, some of his students were so bizarre that they gladly fit ever stereotype of an annoying Philosophy student, or to be exact the boys my daughter often describes.

The sad thing about many Philosophy majors was that they would hitch their stars to a philosopher, usually one of the grumpy anti social ones, and close their minds to all other ideas. They were so immature and dysfunctional when it came to relationships, especially anything to do with sex or heaven forbid romance. A pretty girl would set them on edge like nothing else. Beauty was an insult, of course unless it was made of cold dead marble or unobtainable. Put an artist in the room and they’d act as if a live rattlesnake was in their midst.

So does that make all teenage boys great philosophers? Or does that make all philosophers teenage boys?

I don’t know the answer to that. What I do know is that we always have interesting conversations. And as my regular readers know, my main goal is to encourage people to talk to your kids. Listen to your kids. Encourage a free exchange of ideas without judgment. Let them vent. Let them live and learn and vent.

I’m just happy to say that my daughter is happy. She has wonderful friends – girls and boys. Her grades are good. She is learning new things every single day. She is in a lot of clubs and even founded a Horror Club with the blessings of the VP.  Life is good.

So that is it. Hope your weekend is full of fun. Just fun. No lofty ideas. Just fun.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Guys are stupid

Clara (15): If a guy hangs out with girls other guys call him a fag. If a guy never hangs out with girls other guys call him a fag. If a guy is gay everyone says “that’s cool”  and they call him a fag behind his back but only around his guy friends, unless he is one of the really cool gay guys, then they just say “nice shirt.”  I don’t get it. What is up with the boys at school?

Garrett (18): Guys are stupid.


be nice


~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman (and I’m celebrating my 900th post on this blog today. Yes, this post, this blog. Take a look back to see if you’ve missed anything.)

When they know you’re a Vampire…

Vlad to see you.

That joke stopped being funny a long time ago.


Last summer I have every intention of having the most awesome year about blogging about high school. It would be year of tales of the first year of high school and the final year of high school.

First of all it flew by so fast that I hardly saw it.

Second… I have never heard so much complaining and bitching and moaning about school in all my life, and that was just me. You should have heard the kids.

What happened to my happy go luck hopeful kids? I know the answers. Luckily I know all of this because they talk nonstop about it. Every night it is like a stand-up comedy contest to see who can tell the most amusing tale of school complete with spot on imitations of teachers and fellow students.

Aside from ants in the bathroom and the new episodes of Catfish and Ink Master the talk today is about the opposite sex.

The Senior class has a fairly large number of Vampires. There are eight of them. Let’s step back a bit. The school my kids go to has about 2,500 students. Divide that by four classes and subtract eight seniors who are Vampires and you’ll see that is not a lot of kids… unless you’re a Vampire kid.

So far this year the tally comes to five Freshmen, seven Sophomores, four Juniors and eight Seniors.

Of the Seniors there are four girls and my son Garrett has kind-of-sort-of dated all of them. He grew up with three of them. And I have to admit that Vampire girls are a little different from other girls, especially as they mature. They get what I can only describe as “an edge” to them. They’re still fun teens but they start to get distant and well, a little predatory. Happy go lucky Vampire boys tend to get left behind.

Then again that could describe most teenage girls, Vampires or not.


My daughter Clara is also dealing with the opposite sex but in a different way.

Overheard at school in a Freshman classroom (names changed to protect the stupid):

Kyle: I would totally do Ms James.

Brenden: Oh man, that’s disgusting.

Kyle: I was kidding. But she is hot for an older woman.

Brenden: She could be Gandalf’s sister.

I understand these boys have been frequently smacked by girls at the school. Go figure.

The father of my children just smiles and says “Three little words.”

Fourteen year old Clara smiles back and says “Boys are stupid.”

Honest to God I’m not making this up.


Oh yes, the title… When they know you’re a Vampire. 

Garrett is taking a girl to Senior Prom who is not a Vampire. She is a regular normal girl. Or so we thought until her brother Austin told Clara that their Great Great Grandfather is visiting this weekend and he can do that because he is a Vampire. In fact I met the guy a long long time ago when we were both quite young, before the 20th Century started. Yes, it is a small world.

The nice thing about kids and most people for that matter who know you’re a Vampire is that they don’t tell anyone. Why? Think about it. If you, a non-vampire told someone you were dating or going to school with a Vampire, well, they’d think you were nuts. And of course we’d all deny the fact that we’re Vampires.

I have a lot more on the subject but it has been a long and stressful week. I’ll have more on the subject later including a story from my brother Val and well, a lot more. We all have friends who KNOW and people who aren’t friends who KNOW. I’m so tired right now and all those dusty file cabinet drawers in my brain are sticking shut or off their rollers today.


If you really need a Vampire fix CLICK HERE for the story about when my friend Jack found out that I’m a Vampire.  Better yet, I’ll post it again here later tonight because it is a really fun story with Werewolves, Vampires and all sorts of fun people.

And what happened later with Jack and me.



Today is Friday. This afternoon I met with a friend for lunch. Yes, that kind of lunch. He was lovely. I’m in the rink right now while the kids practice skating. Tonight my children, husband and me will all hang out together, maybe on the couch for a movie or something. My brother Val might drop by. The cats and dogs will curl up with us. One big happy family. And maybe tomorrow I’ll write (I have another post almost finished but it can wait. It involves cocktails)

Have a good weekend everyone,

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

A new meaning for “Junk” mail …or… OMG is that what I think it is?




My daughter (age 14) informed me that at least 600 of the 1,000 boys at her school have sent photos of their, um, “junk” to girls. This is unsolicited junk. I suppose that puts a new meaning on “junk mail.”

She said some kid would send her a message on any of the 35,000 social media sites she is on and after a “howz it going” and “do you understand the homework” a photo of a penis appears on the screen. Then the boys gets a “This conversation is over. Don’t ever contact me again” message.

Yuck. Girls don’t want to see THAT.  What were you thinking? Oh right. You weren’t thinking.

I was shocked. My husband said “They’re boys. They’re stupid.” My 17 year old son shrugged and said he knew all about this but he would never do anything like that. He said his girlfriend gets the same thing.

I’ve lectured my kids over and over about how it you put something out there it will always be out there. Do you want the admissions officer at Harvard seeing your “junk” or whatever? Do you want the HR Department of your dream job company to see it? Really?

Then the kids showed me how others pose in their sexy selfies. The one of the boy who pulls his shirt just over his stomach on the side made us all laugh. I’m talking 14-15 year old boys posing in their tightie-whities. It is just comic and totally stupid.

There is one girl at school who posted a photo of herself from the chin down but then tagged herself. Now if you look up her name on Google you see that naked photo. Smart move honey. EVERYBODY in school has seen that photo including your teachers. Didn’t your mama ever talk to you about things like this? Didn’t your friends talk to you?

My kids talk to me about everything and we’re extremely open about discussions about boys sending penis photos and other stupid things kids (and others do).

I suppose we can learn from the mistakes of others but when there are so many stupid things happening…

Over reacting to situations and putting blinders on kids only makes them go underground, so just keep the lines of communication open and be honest.

And kids, show the world you have a little self-respect. Please.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Uncle Val’s Advice on Women (for Vampires and everyone else)

Uncle Val’s Advice on Women (for Vampires but it works for everyone)


My brother Val is visiting for the weekend. My kids Garrett (age 16) and Clara (age 13) adore him.

That said, he decided Garrett needed some advice on women. Not that Garrett needs it – every girl in his high school has a crush on him. Sometime I think he has a crush on every girl as well. But he is level headed and smarter than most boys his age when it comes to girls. Yes, Garrett is a bit of romantic but that’s ok with me. I’d rather him be a smart romantic than a stupid player.

Val is a 156 year old Vampire who definitely does not still live in the 19th century. He is single and savvy. He is also sweet and exceptionally caring, especially about the elders and children of our family and friends.

So this is how the conversation went.

Clara: Boys are stupid.

Val: Yes, they are.

Garrett: What about me.

Val: You’re her brother. You don’t count.

Garrett: What about girls? They aren’t perfect.

Val: Women are crazy but the craziness depends on the level of psychosis. They’re also smarter than we are so just admit it and let them know that.

Me (Juliette): So I’m smarter than you.

Val: No, you aren’t.

Me: Why is that?

Val: You’re my baby sister.

Me: You said boys are stupid.

Val: They are.

Teddy (my husband): He’s right.

Val to Garrett: Vampire girls are independent these days. It used to be that you’d just bring them a few small children or a baby and they’d be happy.

Clara and Garrett together: That’s gross.

Val: We don’t do that anymore.

Teddy: WE never did that.

Me: Your grandparents never did THAT.

Val: My point being that most Vampire women like to hunt for their own food. They don’t need guys to bring it to them.

Teddy: Keep digging Val.

And then we talked about general behavior and a few funny and awful stories but in the end Val passed on his time honored rules about women. Here they are…

Uncle Valentine’s General Rules About Women – If you like them and want to keep one around.

  1. Don’t talk about how much you love beer on the first sip. And I say sip. Don’t glug it. And unless you’re talking microbrews or party planning don’t talk about beer. Even then keep it brief.
  2. Don’t act like you are having a love affair with your car, motorcycle or truck. She doesn’t give a shit.
  3. Wear a decent shirt. Button down is best. Roll the sleeves up and show your forearms off. Women think that’s hot.
  4. Don’t act like a dog and paw all over her. Wait for her to give a signal and be a gentleman for God’s sake. Get crazy in bed….excuse me my sister reminded me we have teenagers in the room.
  5. Use good table manners.
  6. Don’t take the last cookie unless you ask her if she wants it. Women go crazy if you take the last of anything.
  7. Don’t talk about your ex-girlfriend/wife. Mention that there was one at one time then QUIT.
  8. Don’t bring her small children or babies…just kidding. But really, don’t do it.
  9. They all like flowers but something other than the same old red roses. How about pink roses with lilies. She’ll go crazy stupid in love with you if you add lilies.
  10. NEVER criticize her hair or tell her that she is too fat or too skinny – not even in a nice way. DON’T go there.
  11. If she clings and cries RUN AWAY.
  12. If she is needy RUN AWAY.
  13. If she is mean to you RUN AWAY.
  14. If she is a bitch RUN AWAY.
  15. If she shows more than a hint of jealousness RUN AWAY.
  16. If she talks about her ex too much RUN AWAY.
  17. If she talks about her dog or cat as if it is a baby and brings it on the date RUN AWAY.
  18. If she is a Werewolf or a Goblin RUN AWAY.
  19. If you love her…just be careful.
  20. If she is a regular human and not a Vampire DO NOT GIVE HER YOUR HEART.
  21. If she isn’t a Vampire NEVER turn her into one. Don’t even think about it.
  22. If you like her – tell her so.
  23. Have fun. Don’t lead her on. Don’t let her lead you on.
  24. Respect her.
  25. Show her respect. And expect her to respect you.
  26. If she is not a Vampire don’t use her for your main food source. In fact, if you’re dating don’t use her as a food source, period. Don’t mix food and sex or love.
  27. Women are crazy but you gotta love them. I love women. They’re like a drug and like any drug you don’t want to abuse it or over use it. Take what you need and don’t be greedy.

“OK Val, I said. I think that’s enough advice for the night.” I said.

gold bow

Thanks for dropping by.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman