Burning Question #32: Send in the Clowns

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Saturday is here and it is time for another Burning Question. No clowning around this time. We have some serious business to deal with.

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Who brings on more visceral emotions than Vampires, Ghosts, Zombies, and Werewolves all put together? Clowns.

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Clowns – love them or hate them, they’ve been part of our culture since time began. There was always that person who could make everyone laugh. In turn there was always that asshole who creeped everyone out. This goes back to the time when we were all sitting around the fire at night chewing on wooly mammoth ribs. In every group there was always a clown.

Who doesn’t like a cute kid dressed up like a clown for Halloween? Awwww, those big buttons are so sweet and cunning. Just wait until you see their sharp little teeth.

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Eventually these clowns found out they could make a lot of money by clowning around, or at least have some fun with it. And the rest is history.

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I once knew a woman who had an entire room built to house her clown collection. She loved clowns THAT MUCH. Remember those Italian glass clowns people had in the 60’s that were sort of like flat plates? She had those. She had Royal Doulton Clowns. She had Red Skelton paintings. She loved her clowns. They made her happy.

When I was a kid I feared adults.  I hated the way they grinned with their big teeth as they looked down at me. I hated that they were always asking questions. I hated that they wouldn’t just leave me alone. It was no surprise I found anything like a clown both annoying and profoundly disturbing. Big grins in my face meant nothing but fear and loathing.

So, ladies and gentlemen step right up and answer Burning Question #32.

 

Burning Question #32: Do you like clowns?

 

 

Do you have any extra special clown stories? A favorite clown book? I read IT in one weekend. Do you remember Emmitt Kelly or Red Skelton? Or do you have a fun, delightful, snarky, rabid, heart warming, surprising, or unique clown story to tell? Share, please. It will be like the trick in trick-or-treat.

Mandy White (my favorite horror writer) this one is for you!

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

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Burning Question #31: Twinkle Twinkle WTF?

Fall is here! The scent of pumpkin spice is in the air. Sweater weather is getting started. Halloween is just around the corner. Gourds are weird and wonderful and garnish our tables with colored leaves and mini pumpkins. Little monsters are getting their costumes ready. And we’re all picking out the best candy for our neighborhood kids.

So you go out to the store to find the best pumpkin, get some popcorn and caramels, and Halloween decorations and you hear an all too familiar song.

Then you smell… what is that? Pine and cranberries? Excuse me?

I love Christmas decorations and LOVE Christmas lights. No matter what size my tree is I put up at least 300 ornaments and about 20 strings of lights on my tree. I’ve got the cottages, the wreaths, the lights, the scented candles for the rest of the house. I’ve got it all but…

Burning Question #31: Is October too early to put up Christmas decorations?

 

And to think I was just marveling at the variety of pumpkins that are available now. Pumpkins! And gourds. I love gourds. This is the season of Halloween and harvest and things that go bump in the night. Thanksgiving is in November, and December is for… well, you tell me.

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So plug in your answers and let me know what you thinks. Yes, leave a comment, a poem, a thought, a bitter lamentations, a statement of celebration or whatever you want.

This has been the #31st Burning Question of 50 Burning Questions. I’ll see you next Saturday for Burning Question #32.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Burning Question #29: Fortune Cookie

Only Thirty-one Burning Questions to go in the Fifty Burning Questions Festival.

When I was a child I used to absolutely love going to China Town in San Francisco. Yes, I was a tiny shy white child with wide eyes taking it all in. I thought it was the most wonderful place ever.

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Fortune Cookies have a long and colorful history. Look it up on Wikipedia. They started out as Japanese cookies. During the Japanese internment during WW2 the crazy little cookies started to show up in Chinese restaurants.

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Once in the 1970’s a friend of mine gave me a “dirty” fortune cookie. The fortune read: Girl chase boy around church and catch him by organ.

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For centuries people have been looking for ways to see their futures. They’ve thrown bones, looked into crystal balls, gone to charlatan psychics, read tarot cards, and done all kinds of weird stuff. But the sweetest of all, and the most fun is the Fortune Cookie.

So is it just a chance encounter with a random slip of paper, or is there another more celestial meaning?

Burning Question #29: What is it to open a cookie without a fortune? A simple machine error? Or a profound statement of the uncertainty of the future?

 

 

A favorite game is to have everyone read their fortunes and add the words in bed after the fact.

  • Success will come to your plans in bed.
  • Use your abilities at this time to stay focused on your goals in bed.
  • You will always be well liked and popular in bed.

Anyway you fold it, fortune cookies are both fun and maybe profound.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

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San Francisco 1877

Burning Question #24: Reason Enough

The Internet connection at my house is down. Thank you Xfinity for providing equipment that doesn’t work. In the meantime I’m at the local coffee place where there is  a connection. That is why this post is late today – but I’m here. I’m here with your Burning Question. Come rain or snow or no Internet…

Do you ever notice (maybe not if your life isn’t like mine) that when stuff happens, like the Internet going down, it is always when there are deadlines, and a zillion other things that NEED to be done. After I catch up on my work, including blog posts, I will be going home to tie dye tee shirts for a 60’s hippy party tonight. I will also be making a desert. I don’t eat desert but I can make it. I am also a master of tie dye. The interior of my house is also still torn up due to a massive painting/remodel project. I might be a Vampire but I sure as Hell don’t live in a crypt.

Last night I was out with some girlfriends, doing what Vampire girlfriends do, and talking life, and love, and old friends. It always comes back to how some have a charmed existence and others end up living in a crypt, or under the floorboards of an old house. Why is that? Is it fate? Bad choices? Chance? Bad luck? Bad influences? Good Karma? Or is it just the random order of the universe mixed with the glaring look of those cats who we all know really control everything?

Which brings us to Burning Question #24.

Burning Question #24: Does Everything Happen For A Reason?

 

I have a funny, well sort of weird story for you. A few years ago I was out in my yard trying to deal with a yellow jacket nest under the brick walk way that leads up to my front door. A couple of nice men came by to tell me about God and religion and handed me a pamphlet. Their theme that afternoon was “When Bad Things Happen to Good People.” All of the sudden the yellow jackets swarmed us. I was pulling yellow jackets out of the gentlemen’s hair. Then I ran up my front steps and one of the little bastards stung me on the foot. The rest of the story is from my daughter. She said I yelled the biggest F bomb ever. I hear the look on the men’s faces was priceless. Was it meant to be? Preordained? Or was it just a bunch of random stinging assholes?

So you tell me. Seriously, answer the poll. I don’t track this or sell your information. I have shirts to tie dye and other work to do. See you all again soon. I have some dirt on my brothers and I hear Vlad is up to his usual confused silliness.

And by the way, if something bad happens to someone you know, like a death of a loved on, or an illness, or a catastrophic event, whatever you do, DO NOT tell them that it happened for a reason. That is just an asshole move that only someone with a soul of a yellow jacket would say.

xoxo

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

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Burning Question #17: What Would a Werewolf Do?

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Looking cute now guys but wait until midnight!

It is time for Burning Question #17.

PLEASE if you land on this page answer the question. It is just a quick no or yes. Oh come on, it will be fun.

Each week we ask and answer one of life’s BURNING QUESTIONS. I know you all have been waiting for this one. 

I’ve written a lot about Werewolves. They’re out there, in our lives, running around under the full moon, keeping us up with their howling, and generally trying to stay out of trouble (believe it or not.)

But even Werewolves have a sense of humor. They can also be obnoxious.

Think about this: when they turn into wolves what happens to their clothing? And when they turn back, well, they’re not dressed.

Burning Question #17: Will a Werewolf moon you on a full moon night?

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Lon Chaney looking hot in a suit! Let me know if you decide to drop your drawers.

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Now if this ugly mug doesn’t creep you out… imagine him mooning you! Holy crap. That would make me turn and run.

 

I’ll see you next Saturday for another intellectually challenging Burning Question. Now let’s all sing along with Warren Zevon.

xoxox

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Burning Question #16: In Honor of the 2018 World Cup

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Women’s Team USA wins GOLD 2015

American’s are protective of their sports. They’re sort of protective over Canadian sports too. But hey, what do I know.

This is the list of sports I watch live and in person:

  • Artistic Roller Skating
  • Baseball – Go Giants. OMG they have the most beautiful ball park in the world.
  • Basketball – I’ve kind of given up on the Kings, but the draft pick just happened and you never know.

And what I’ll watch on TV:

  • Ice Skating
  • Ice Hockey – GO LAS VEGAS
  • Baseball
  • Olympics stuff, odds and ends like three minutes of the Scottish Games, Lumberjack Games, Naked and Afraid, Dog shows, Triple Crown Horse racing, etc.

I also like to listen to baseball on the radio. There is something so soothing about it.

BUT…

We’re (USA) just isn’t a soccer kind of place. Our Football is well…FOOTBALL. I don’t watch THAT either.

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My brother Aaron’s kids played soccer when they were small. We went to all of the games. It was great fun. They graduated up to other sports when they got older.

I’ve played soccer. It is hecka fun to play. I’m good at it. I never had the opportunity to be on the team.

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Is it ballet or is it soccer? This guy knows the real answer.

It isn’t as if I don’t like soccer. I just don’t have any feelings for it. I’ll glance at a baseball game, or even football in a bar but I won’t glance at soccer. OK if cats are playing I’ll glance at it.

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I’ll watch anything with a cat.

And that brings us to the World Cup Game which is famous for wild fans, South African’s with weird horns, and all kinds of crazy shit. It is pandemonium unlike anything even Pablo Sandoval could ever imagine.

Which brings us to a question that many a suburban dad asks…

Burning Question #16: Is Soccer a Real Sport? 

 

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Yes, it is a sport! Ice cream and Jello shots for everyone.

Why soccer this week? The original Burning Question #16 was a scrape the bottom of the barrel silly post about Werewolves. That one might resurface as Burning Question #37. My darling husband said, “You can’t ask that.” Oh ye of little faith in my readers. So HE came up with this question about soccer. Blame it on Teddy. He’s a Vampire so you can blame a multitude of things on him. Please, feel free.

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Excuse me but all of this silly talk about soccer is going to make my head explode. Cheap laughs woman. Just cheap laughs is all you care about. For God’s sake ask them about Werewolves.

I have to admit that the parks, once completely filled with children playing soccer, are now filling up with Lacrosse players. My kids roller skate and surf. I just walk around the park with the dog. But that said, soccer is pretty popular and there is always talk of a pro team coming to town. But would anyone go watch? Maybe. Maybe sort of not. Is it a sport? A real sport?

If you haven’t already, please click on your answer on the poll. Spout out your opinions in the comments below but don’t be too mean or snotty. If you have a suggestion for a burning question let me know. You know how to reach me (look on my about page if you don’t.)

Have fun. Play hard. Stay cool.

For more Burning Questions CLICK HERE.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

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After Circe turned the men into swine they found themselves quite bored. To pass the time they invented soccer. But is it really a sport?