Distractions

“You always end up somewhere,” said the Ghost leaning on the edge of the table as he watched me attempt to write.

As soon as he materialized I completely lost my train of thought. It is the same when my husband is around. I can’t think of anything. The words get lost no matter if I’m writing a business correspondence, a note to a friend, or a novel.

“Even if you sit still and do nothing you’ll end up somewhere. It might not be where you’d like to be, but it will be somewhere. And it might just be where somebody else would like to be.”

“Just shut the fuck up,” I growled at him, showing some fangs. He just pisses me off to no end.

“You’re so rude, even for a Vampire,” he said, his voice going higher on the word “rude” then lowering again in a condescending way.

“I’m working on something. You need to leave,” I told him.

“You’re in a creative dead zone, no pun intended.”

“If you’re done you can leave.”

He just stood and stared at me.

“Go haunt someone else,” I told him.

“But I like haunting you,” he said with a smile.

So far everything today has been sidetracked. It started out with blood stains and cat barf on the carpet, then went on to changes in my schedule due to everyone, then just when I’m trying t wrap my brain around some brilliant thoughts Nigel, the dead man, the Ghosts, shows up.

Nigel looked at my computer. “That looks good. But what do you mean you can’t write when I’m looking at you?”

“You’re a distraction.”

The radio played in the background. We both heard insane political news that sounded like it was out of a bad movie.

“You know, the year I died things weren’t as scary as they are now, but some things haven’t changed. There was bombing in the Middle East. It was Libya. Back at home postal worker shot fourteen of his coworkers. We had no idea that it was just the beginning of…holy shit. Then I had some posters made up for an art show. When I got to the printer he was making a batch of flyers proclaiming that George Bush, the first George Bush was the Anti Christ. The Vice President of the US was the Anti Christ. Man, that guy had NO IDEA. If he was afraid then, then he should be afraid now. True story. I kid you not. Damn, I missed the fall of the Berlin wall.”

“You missed a lot of things,” I told him.

“Reality TV. I swear, just because someone is on reality TV doesn’t mean that they know what reality is. Far from the truth. They are as far removed from reality as a human can get. And they think they can run things. ”

“That is why Vampires don’t have their own television shows,” I told my ghostly friend.

“Just the opposite, nobody knows you exist. They think you’re just normal folks.”

“We’re more normal than you think. At least we’re honest about our blood sucking.We are not the ones people should fear.”

“Good point Vampire. Maybe I should get my own Ghost show.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t.”

Then Nigel the Ghost laughed and vanished in a crackle of static electricity.

My brain is still on off mode. Or maybe it is just full.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

don't be a ghost

 

Do you need help with something burning in your brain or heart…

Dear Juliette (Ask A Vampire) is a regular Thursday feature on Vampiremaman.com

I only post real questions from real readers. The only made-up stuff you’ll find is in my answers. But seriously, the answers are real too.

If you need advice or just have an interesting question send it to: juliettevampiremom@gmail.com

 

 

Vampire Maman Fall TV Lineup: New Shows

I just got word from my friend Thomas Kent that the fall listings for V-TV are coming out. Below is a sneak peek of some of the new shows.

 

Dark A.M. with Andrew

Late night show with Singer Andy Todd. What will you be watching at 3:00 a.m.? Fill the void with Andy. He features interviews with Vampire leaders, musical guests, authors, bloggers, nocturnal pet experts and more. With Andy everything is always smart, unexpected and entertaining.

Rating: TVPG

 

Night Crawlers

Reality TV with a down home fishing champion Werewolves. Buddy and Laverne deal with parenting their litter of four, plus running a fishing camp and championship boat yard. the first episode takes place with their crazy friends during a full moon on the lake. A run under the stars has never been more fun. You’ll howl laughing with this good-natured crew.

Rating: TVG

 

Dead Hunt

Find out who the deadliest Vampire Hunters are and what you can do to stop them. This hard edged show identifies threats and where they live. Hard hitting news and information about something that concerns everyone in the Vampire community.

Rating: TVPG

 

Fangs

What happens when four young Vampire friends move to the big city? A lot. Follow the hilarious adventures of new Vampires Quintin, Kylee, Melvin, and Claudette as they navigate their new world.

Rating: TVMA 

 

Open Season

Detective Amanda Tinkerton solves the murders that nobody else can. Only her colleagues have no idea that she is a Vampire. Partnered with Werewolf Alex Black, the two go into the dark corners where they not only hunt criminals, but the criminals hunt THEM.

Rating: TVPG

 

Katrina’s Krazy Kitchen

Have fun with Katrina in her paranormal kitchen with sidekick Michael the Goblin. We promise no small children will be in their ovens, but you’ll see other surprises that will make your mouth water. So come on down and cook with Katrina in her Krazy Kitchen.

Rating: TVG

 

Reality Stalk

With so many reality TV shows on now,  Vampire producer Jack Van Lees wondered, “how fun would it be to drop in for a surprise visit?” Vampires Jack,  and his friends Lauren, and Woody make night time visits to shows like Naked and Afraid, Survival and Fast N Loud.

Rating: TVPG

 

Crypt Hunters

Hosts Ollie and Rachael take you on a weekly tour of Crypts that are now available for the old fashioned Vampires (and aren’t we all a little old fashioned.) This is a fun filled show full of grave yard trivia, Vampire history, and a bit of interior design, entertaining, and real estate know how. Meet the crypt keepers and the Vampires who want to downsize into their own traditional crypts. As Ollie would say, “This is bloody fun for everyone.”

Rating: TVPG

Crypt Hunters

Crypt Hunters

 

Dark Art

In the late 19th Century the artists colony in the beautiful Monterey coast of California was flourishing. The artists had unbridled passions for their art…and for each other. Ellie and her lover Gerald aren’t just artists – they’re Vampires. This epic drama highlights the art, the beauty of the California coast and the darker sides of the art and artists of the 19th Century.

Rating: TVMA

 

Have fun,

Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Vampire Diary: White Wedding

Dear Diary,

Men still seek out monsters. They look for beings from other planets. They seek fish. They look for murderers. Men dress like women and look like women. Then they remove their clothing and walk naked and afraid. Why are they afraid?

Maybe they want to be like the men and women who solve crimes then make love and rip each other’s clothing, then smoke and ponder the meaning of life, then go back to their guns.

I find myself mesmerized by the women in wedding dresses. I was saying yes to the dress.

I was cheering for men called Giants throwing balls as fast as rockets. Then there were tiny people with tiny little children. Teeny tiny little children who didn’t perform for anyone. Just were playing like any children, just smaller. People spoke of war and economic disaster and weather, but I kept going back to   the two men who helped bring a love lorn woman to a man she’d never met. I thought it was going to be about fish. The man turned out to be somebody else. The woman was angry. They talked. I would have had him killed, but that is just me. I went back to the wedding dresses, then to uneducated people catching alligators, then to ghost hunters and someone praying. I wonder why they pray. Maybe they’re looking for mates or the perfect dress or fish. Or maybe they want a rusty old gas station signs. Maybe they want to find a murderer. They are all looking for drugs. They are all looking for love. They are not all naked but they all seem to be afraid.

I stopped to see a beautiful woman tattoo beautiful images over bad tattoos. Two men, her friends, did the same. They were not interested in fish or alligators or storing units. They were artists. I could not find any other artists.

There was something called The Notebook. I’ve heard women talking about it. I watched part of it but did not understand. I went back to the wedding dresses. I said yes again.

This thing they call cable and TV is insane. I was never interested before. Now, I must turn the machine off and drape a cloth over the large screen on my wall.

~ Vlad

_________________________

Dear Diary,

Last night as I was sinking my fangs into the neck of a beautiful woman my thoughts were not on blood. My hand went down her hot bare body and I wondered would she look better in a ball gown style dress or a mermaid style.

~ Vlad

_______________________

Dear Diary,

My cat is sitting next to me surrounded by her kittens. They sleep together, a ball of vibrating fur.

A man who looks like he has a hairball on his head is on the television screen. He wants to be president. He has offended everyone. My friend Gillian told me about two others called Deez Nuts and Limberbutt McCubbins. I think I will vote for them.

~ Vlad

____________________

Dear Diary,

Last night I walked along the street and stopped in front of the window of a tattoo artist. I went inside.

I told the man I wanted a woman in a white dress on my arm. He suggested a pin-up style and drew a picture. She was beautiful.

He asked about my cold skin. I told him not to worry about it.

Four hours later I left with a white gowned bride on my arm. Her beauty would stay with me, only for a while. By sunrise she was gone. My skin rejects the ink, but I will always have the memory of my bride.

I thought of a wedding, my wedding, many centuries ago. She wore blood red silk. Her dark curls hung down her back. Her eyes only on me. Her image is tattooed in my memories. The feel of her touch is always on my skin.

Where is she now?

~ Vlad

_____________________

Dear Diary,

I have found homes for all of the kittens. I will keep the white and tabby one. I have no name for him yet.

My lover Gillian said I need to get them fixed. I told her there was nothing wrong with them. She rolled her eyes and said fixed means fixing them so they won’t reproduce anymore. She said it was the right thing to do.

Gillian doesn’t know that I imagine her in a strapless white ball gown with full skirts and beading. Despite the fact that Gillian, like me, is a Vampire I often imagine her with warm skin and hot blood as I carry her to my bed.

Unlike hot blooded women Gillian never asks me what I’m thinking or how I feel. She wouldn’t make a very good reality TV show. I don’t understand exactly why I think that, but it doesn’t matter.

~ Vlad

victorian vampire girl

______________________

For more Vampire Diary Installments click on the links below:

Vampire Diary

Vampire Diary: Intervention

Vampire Diary: Game Day

Vampire Diary: Feeling Alive

Vampire Diary: Blood Red

Vampire Diary: Embroiled in a Dream (and still cute)

Vampire Diary: Something I do understand

Vampire Diary: Modern Worlds

Oddities and Ends

Have you ever had one of those days when you look somebody in the eye and tell them, “You will fail as a Vampire.”

This isn’t one of those things someone can practice and master. You either have what it takes or you don’t.

Yes, it has been one of those days.

Cocktail time.

A lot of people come to this blog looking for directions on how to become a Vampire. Either that or wanting to know how a Vampire turns someone into a Vampire.

It isn’t how you think and you aren’t going to hear about it from me.

I can only imagine what would happen if the world filled up with completely unsuccessful, pitiful, failure Vampires. It would make great reality TV with names like “Blood Sick,” and “American Vampire,” or “Vlad Knows Best.” Or on MTV it would be called “Reality Sucks.” No thank you. And no intervention shows because you can’t go back.

______________________________

Next week Clara and I are going to be on the road. We’re leaving the boys at home for a big sporting event in a city with few entertainments. My plan is to finish a book I’ve been working on for a while. Clara’s plan is to win every single event (or do her best) and work on AP History and AP English summer class work.

The book is not about Vampires, Werewolves, Ghosts or other paranormal beings. There are no Gothic overtones. It is just a novel with a lot of twists and turns and I hope… I hope I can pull it off.

And yes, I’m going to have an editor look at the book before I send it out into the world. You’ve read this blog. You I can’t edit.

The only reason I’m telling you about this is an excuse to use the wonderful Christopher Lee Vampire Meme about writing created by my creative friend Jason Kemp (J Harrison Kemp.)

 

Write ALL THINGS VAMPIRE

And yes, you should be writing.

I should be writing, so have a good evening. Enjoy the shadows, enjoy those you love and do something creative.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Rude, Crude and Socially Unacceptable – Old Fashioned Family Fun

Good news, I’m taking my kids to see the band All Time Low tomorrow night. Am I the cool mom or what. It will be a lot of fun and I’ll write a full review and maybe even post photos live from the show. And in May we’re going to see (for the second time) Twenty One Pilots.

In the meantime….

Rude, Crude and Socially Unacceptable – Old Fashioned Family Fun

For all I write on parenting…and this is a parenting blog (or at least it used to be)…

Some people might think my husband and I are bad examples for our kids after they read this. You may stop now if you want. There are a lot of other great posts on this blog that will make you smile and are in good taste. There are even Vampire posts and some great short stories… Check it out. Or go on reading this… I guess.

We’ve been talking about “Not Quite Reality TV.”

On Tuesdays we all curl up on the couch together and watch Ink Masters. Someone commented on that yesterday. Hey, it teaches art appreciation, how to be a good or bad competitor, grace under fire and the importance of learning your craft no matter what you do. Plus Dave Navarro is smoking hot. Chris Nunez is super smart and we’ve learned a lot from him about tattoo standards. And Oliver Peck is darling. Chris and Oliver are amazing artists as well – two of the best. And it is just an old fashioned freak show. We’re waiting for the next show when Kyle goes off on Chris. Smack the crap out of him Chris! Stop being a whoosie ass baby Kyle! Find your man card and grow a pair.

My daughter is addicted to Bar Rescue. I have no words or explanation on that one.

Antiques Roadshow is ok because my husband is in the business, we’ve been to Antiques Roadshow AND it is on PBS (and he knows a lot of the dealers).

My son tells everyone he never watches television but I know he watches Sherlock on Netflix and Skins (which is not about weasel trappers.)

When the kids both turn 18 they want to be on The Amazing Race. I think they’d win, or at least be the most entertaining people ever on the show. Even more amazing is the fact that they don’t even watch the show.

Tonight we discussed game shows and new shows in general we might produce.

Wheel of Torture. If you don’t get any of the words right you get the thumb screws, whacked with a cattle prod, bitten by dogs…or forced to watch reruns of Jersey Shore.

Are You The One – Family Style. 10 girls and 10 guys get together to find their perfect match. The hitch is that two of them are brother and sister but none of them know WHO is related. Yes, that is super sick, but it keeps them all out of the BOOM BOOM room. Yes, this was really bad but I won’t even start to tell you some of the really bad shows we came up with.

Werewolves on Ice. Ice skating show featuring Werewolves. Think about it. THAT wold be funny (at the expense of our furry friends.)

Junk Yard Wars – Naked Edition. A team of girls try to guess, you guessed it, what guy that junk belongs to.

Than again most of the stuff on Cable TV is pretty scary and weird and in really really really bad taste. We couldn’t make it up.

My Strange Addiction features people who want to be living dolls, people who eat eye makeup, eat beds, get humongous boobs, eat other people’s toe nails, collect rat skulls… the list goes on. It is the most disgusting thing on TV.

There is even a show about women who don’t know they’re pregnant. Excuse me? If you’re pregnant you know it.

Then there are all of the Southern Hillbilly shows. Swamp people, Swamp Girls, Fish Giggers, Pregnant and Stupid, Pregnant and Knocked Up, Pregnant and Stinky, Deadly Dogs, Pawn Punks and Duck Danglers… it goes on and on and on. I know a lot of Southerners but none of them are like these yahoos. And don’t forget Honey Boo Boo. My brain is going to rot out of my head even knowing that these things exist.

Forget Horror Movies, just turn on your TV.

I know this has been a stupid post but…

Oh come on, I wish I’d recorded our conversation because it was really really funny. We laughed so hard. Maybe next time.

And it all goes to show that a family that laughs together and does stupid silly things together stays together. If you have kids enjoy them. Laugh with them. And when they ask you to lighten up – do it. And you know, you can teach your kids the difference between good taste and bad taste – and have fun doing it.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

If this Vampire wants to tattoo your image on his arm...you'll have to check out his entire body first.

If this Vampire wants to tattoo your image on his arm…you’ll have to check out his entire body first.

Vampire Maman (look I drew something, a tattoo, now leave me alone)

Vampire Maman (look I drew something, a tattoo, now leave me alone)

 

Accidental Meetings

Accidental Meetings

Accidental Meetings

Accidental Meetings

“You must come now,” said a whispery voice on the phone.

“What is it?” I asked afraid to find out what the ancient fragile Vampire needed.

“It is a human thing,” he said, now no longer in a whisper. “We need your help.”

I told them to call 911 and wait.

30 minutes later my 17-year-old Garrett and I had arrived at the farmhouse. My husband Teddy and 14-year-old Clara were out seeing “Frozen” with friends. I swear, I’m surprised I didn’t get pulled over for speeding, but it isn’t like I couldn’t have talked my way out of a ticket.

We parked by the side of the road which was blocked off by a lot of emergency vehicles. Flashing lights and a lot of people – exactly what Vampires like us try to avoid. Without interacting with anyone we made it to the farmhouse.

Tellias met us at the door wearing steel-blue coveralls, the kind that mechanics wear, with a bright yellow scarf around his neck. His white blonde hair fell around his shoulders. Eleora had on a stretched out red sweater and a red and blue pleated plaid skirt that fell a few inches below her knees. She had on pink slippers. Her hair was wet.

They look like they’re only 19 or 20 years old but they are ancient Vampires – over 2,000 years old. Dealing with elders isn’t just for regular humans or pet owners. We all must take care of those in our lives who need extra help.

They took Garrett and me by the hands and brought us into the house.

“Why is your hair wet sweetie?” I asked Eleora.

“A car went into the water,” she whispered.

“A car went into the river with a woman in it,” said Tellias. “Eleora pulled her out, and her daughter.”

“Another car hit them. I went into the water after them. I could feel their fear. I broke the glass and pulled them out.”

Tellias came close and whispered. “They were full of water. Eleora sucked the water right out of their lungs.”

Eleora nodded her head. “Right out.”

“Did you help anyone else?” I had to ask, fearing certain answers.

Tellias narrowed his eyes at me. “Nobody will die tonight Juliette.”

“Not tonight,” sang Eleora with a smile and a wink.

I swear, dealing with these ancient Vampires drives me crazy.

I glared at them and could hear myself lecturing them. “You should have let them alone. You shouldn’t have helped except to get them out of the water or basic first aid. You know the rules.”

“We made the rules,” said Tellias. “Stop scolding us.”

The front door opened. John, who lived next door, was standing there looking grim. In his early 60’s he was still a handsome man who made heads turn. “Juliette, come outside.”

With Garrett tagging along, I followed John to the edge of driveway. I could see the top of a car in the river. Two other mangled cars and a large farm truck were on the side of the road.

John was visibly shaken but not saying anything about his own fears or pain. His wife had been killed in a car accident 20 years ago. “Eleora and Tellias were out for a walk and saw it all. It looked like a drunk in a truck was speeding. He clipped a car and it spun out taking other cars with them. The drunk kept on going. When the car went into the river Eleora dove in and pulled out a woman and her daughter. Then we helped with the rest. It’s a miracle nobody was killed, but…” He tapered off. I knew the but. There were serious injuries and lives interrupted. Then there was the matter of Eleora and Tellias helping.

“They saved lives tonight.” John patted my back. “I couldn’t believe how quickly they took action. People would have died…”

I stopped him from saying more. “Have you ever read Dracula? I don’t want to use that as an example because it is fiction. Fiction John. But remember the character Renfield? The crazy guy who ate bugs? Any lives they saved tonight will forever be bound to Tellias and Eleora if they want it. Not that Tellias or Eleora will ever act on it or whatever, but those people, those humans, will be bound forever to those two old fools who live next door to you.”

“You’re harsh,” said John.

“I’m a realist. You aren’t a Vampire. You have no idea what we can do to people.”

“I’ve lived around your family my entire life.”

“We’ve sheltered and protected you. You don’t know,” I snapped.

Garrett tugged at my arm, “Mom, I would have done the same thing. I mean, I would have saved them.”

I said nothing. I was too angry to say anything. All I could do was look at the wreckage almost numb at the extent of the damage. The three of us turned and walked back to the farmhouse.

A Highway Patrol officer was at the house. The two woman who been pulled from the car were sitting in the kitchen wrapped in blankets. It broke my heart to see them and know what a horrible frightening experience they’d had. At the same time I knew   what other nightmares they might have.

Eleora had made tea for everyone. The officer was asking them questions. He knew Eleora. No doubt she’d sucked blood out of his big handsome neck in the past as he patrolled the rural route past their farm. Sometimes being a Vampire was more complicated that I wanted it to be (yes, add that to having kids in high school and marriage and work and everything else a mom does.)

Questions were answered. Everyone involved in the accident was taken away to hospitals or home. I left the elders with John. I couldn’t wait to get home.

Eleora and Tellias gave us hugs before we left and thanked us for coming. Eleora whispered in my ear, “We love you so much.” I kissed her cheek and patted her hand.

When we got into the car I told Garrett to play music. Any music as long as it was loud and would get my mind off of the night.

As I drove away my mind wandered back to the day before. I was having a conversation with my kids about vegans. If you’re a vegan because of “moral” reasons could you be a scavenger – that is could you eat road kill because it is already dead? Then my husband said “Redneck Vegans. That could be a new TV show.”

As if he could read my mind, which he could because we’re, you know, Vampires, Garrett said, “We need our own reality TV show Mom. We could call  it Blood Relatives.”

“Very good. But nobody would believe it.”

“They believe Honey Boo Boo and Duck Dynasty.”

“Then we’d have to be redneck Vampires and I’m not going to be a redneck.”

“Mom, we could be The Red Neck Vampires. Get it? Red Neck.”

“Nice try. I love you baby.”

“Love you too Mom.”

I thought of the mother and daughter who were saved. The daughter was about the same age as my son. That could have been us. We could have been in danger if there had been fire or something much worse. I took his hand and gave it a squeeze.

By the time we arrived back home I was feeling a lot better. We watched the sunrise together before we went inside.

In big and little ways the ability to change directions and go from one extreme to another without missing a beat is what life is all about. Old and young and all of us in the middle – it is what we do. It is who we are.

For the new year remember to make it a goal to love and to appreciate the miraculous and strange things that happen in life, both big and little. It isn’t magic or mystical. It is just chance or you could say a twist of fate, but not really fate.

You never know who will be there to help. You never know but sometimes it might seem like a miracle or something you won’t be able to describe. But there are those who will help – more than you think.

I don’t really believe in fate, not much. None the less, when good things happen or bad things are avoided treasure that. Most of all you should treasure those precious folks that make up your life.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

elder gingerbread