Hooks

coffee

Coffee with Vampires and Ghosts

On TV whenever a hot girl sees a guy she likes she will run up to him, do a flying jump and wrap her legs around him as she plants him with a huge sloppy kiss.

NOBODY does that in real life. There would be a trip to the emergency room after he falls and cracks his skull on the pavement, and she falls with him and breaks her arm when it twists behind his back.

I just had to say that.

This morning after a long walk with my dog I fixed coffee and a second cup for Nigel. Being a Ghost, Nigel never drinks the coffee, he just puts his hands around the cup and takes in the aroma.

This morning we were not discussing stupid reality TV programs. We talked about creativity.

“Why don’t you finish anything?” Nigel asked with a sneer, as he shook a lock of dark hair off of his forehead.

“I finish blog posts and short stories,” I said.

“Novels?”

“I’ve finished a couple.”

“You never edited them or had them edited? What the Hell Juliette?”

I made more coffee and ignored his completely true comment.

“I’m writing today,” I said. “I’m working on a novel. I’m going to get a real editor to edit it.”

“What’s the hook? In one sentence,” said Nigel.

“A story that proves that Empty Nesters had lives before they had kids, and deadly secrets the’ll never tell.”

“I’d read that,” said Nigel. “Now give me the hook for another one.”

“Would you rather have a trophy wife on your arm or a raptor?”

“Oh, I like that. Go on.”

“Sometimes you have to die to find a love life.”

“OK. That hits home. Another.”

“After the fourth apocalypse in three years he decided to do something about it, and he didn’t really care what anyone else thought.”

“That one needs some work.”

“After the fourth apocalypse in three years he decided to do something about it, even if he was just a cat.”

“There you go. Is it about a cat?”

“It could be. I haven’t done much with that one yet,” I said. Wasn’t that the truth.

“Tell me another.”

“Get your gun, and get in the motorhome, said Grammy, “We’re going to hunt some Vampires.”

Nigel laughed out loud. “That was unexpected. Another.”

“I’m done for the day,” I told him. I need to write.

Yes, I do need to write before all of the ideas and inspiration drains out of my left ear and onto the floor. I need to write before I notice the floor needs to be mopped. I need to write before the dog needs more food, or the cats lie to me again and tell me they need more food. I need to write before another person drunk dials me, or I get distracted yet again by Ghosts or anyone or anything else.

I have to finish those stories and send those hooks out and catch some readers. My goal is to tell those tales and maybe entertain someone along the way.

And as always…

  • Talk to your kids
  • Wash your hands
  • Wear a mask
  • Check in on the elderly folks and others in your life you might need extra help.
  • Kiss a Vampire.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Cat-Writing-1

 

 

 

 

 

Distractions

“You always end up somewhere,” said the Ghost leaning on the edge of the table as he watched me attempt to write.

As soon as he materialized I completely lost my train of thought. It is the same when my husband is around. I can’t think of anything. The words get lost no matter if I’m writing a business correspondence, a note to a friend, or a novel.

“Even if you sit still and do nothing you’ll end up somewhere. It might not be where you’d like to be, but it will be somewhere. And it might just be where somebody else would like to be.”

“Just shut the fuck up,” I growled at him, showing some fangs. He just pisses me off to no end.

“You’re so rude, even for a Vampire,” he said, his voice going higher on the word “rude” then lowering again in a condescending way.

“I’m working on something. You need to leave,” I told him.

“You’re in a creative dead zone, no pun intended.”

“If you’re done you can leave.”

He just stood and stared at me.

“Go haunt someone else,” I told him.

“But I like haunting you,” he said with a smile.

So far everything today has been sidetracked. It started out with blood stains and cat barf on the carpet, then went on to changes in my schedule due to everyone, then just when I’m trying t wrap my brain around some brilliant thoughts Nigel, the dead man, the Ghosts, shows up.

Nigel looked at my computer. “That looks good. But what do you mean you can’t write when I’m looking at you?”

“You’re a distraction.”

The radio played in the background. We both heard insane political news that sounded like it was out of a bad movie.

“You know, the year I died things weren’t as scary as they are now, but some things haven’t changed. There was bombing in the Middle East. It was Libya. Back at home postal worker shot fourteen of his coworkers. We had no idea that it was just the beginning of…holy shit. Then I had some posters made up for an art show. When I got to the printer he was making a batch of flyers proclaiming that George Bush, the first George Bush was the Anti Christ. The Vice President of the US was the Anti Christ. Man, that guy had NO IDEA. If he was afraid then, then he should be afraid now. True story. I kid you not. Damn, I missed the fall of the Berlin wall.”

“You missed a lot of things,” I told him.

“Reality TV. I swear, just because someone is on reality TV doesn’t mean that they know what reality is. Far from the truth. They are as far removed from reality as a human can get. And they think they can run things. ”

“That is why Vampires don’t have their own television shows,” I told my ghostly friend.

“Just the opposite, nobody knows you exist. They think you’re just normal folks.”

“We’re more normal than you think. At least we’re honest about our blood sucking.We are not the ones people should fear.”

“Good point Vampire. Maybe I should get my own Ghost show.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t.”

Then Nigel the Ghost laughed and vanished in a crackle of static electricity.

My brain is still on off mode. Or maybe it is just full.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

don't be a ghost

 

Do you need help with something burning in your brain or heart…

Dear Juliette (Ask A Vampire) is a regular Thursday feature on Vampiremaman.com

I only post real questions from real readers. The only made-up stuff you’ll find is in my answers. But seriously, the answers are real too.

If you need advice or just have an interesting question send it to: juliettevampiremom@gmail.com

 

 

Vampire Maman Fall TV Lineup: New Shows

I just got word from my friend Thomas Kent that the fall listings for V-TV are coming out. Below is a sneak peek of some of the new shows.

 

Dark A.M. with Andrew

Late night show with Singer Andy Todd. What will you be watching at 3:00 a.m.? Fill the void with Andy. He features interviews with Vampire leaders, musical guests, authors, bloggers, nocturnal pet experts and more. With Andy everything is always smart, unexpected and entertaining.

Rating: TVPG

 

Night Crawlers

Reality TV with a down home fishing champion Werewolves. Buddy and Laverne deal with parenting their litter of four, plus running a fishing camp and championship boat yard. the first episode takes place with their crazy friends during a full moon on the lake. A run under the stars has never been more fun. You’ll howl laughing with this good-natured crew.

Rating: TVG

 

Dead Hunt

Find out who the deadliest Vampire Hunters are and what you can do to stop them. This hard edged show identifies threats and where they live. Hard hitting news and information about something that concerns everyone in the Vampire community.

Rating: TVPG

 

Fangs

What happens when four young Vampire friends move to the big city? A lot. Follow the hilarious adventures of new Vampires Quintin, Kylee, Melvin, and Claudette as they navigate their new world.

Rating: TVMA 

 

Open Season

Detective Amanda Tinkerton solves the murders that nobody else can. Only her colleagues have no idea that she is a Vampire. Partnered with Werewolf Alex Black, the two go into the dark corners where they not only hunt criminals, but the criminals hunt THEM.

Rating: TVPG

 

Katrina’s Krazy Kitchen

Have fun with Katrina in her paranormal kitchen with sidekick Michael the Goblin. We promise no small children will be in their ovens, but you’ll see other surprises that will make your mouth water. So come on down and cook with Katrina in her Krazy Kitchen.

Rating: TVG

 

Reality Stalk

With so many reality TV shows on now,  Vampire producer Jack Van Lees wondered, “how fun would it be to drop in for a surprise visit?” Vampires Jack,  and his friends Lauren, and Woody make night time visits to shows like Naked and Afraid, Survival and Fast N Loud.

Rating: TVPG

 

Crypt Hunters

Hosts Ollie and Rachael take you on a weekly tour of Crypts that are now available for the old fashioned Vampires (and aren’t we all a little old fashioned.) This is a fun filled show full of grave yard trivia, Vampire history, and a bit of interior design, entertaining, and real estate know how. Meet the crypt keepers and the Vampires who want to downsize into their own traditional crypts. As Ollie would say, “This is bloody fun for everyone.”

Rating: TVPG

Crypt Hunters

Crypt Hunters

 

Dark Art

In the late 19th Century the artists colony in the beautiful Monterey coast of California was flourishing. The artists had unbridled passions for their art…and for each other. Ellie and her lover Gerald aren’t just artists – they’re Vampires. This epic drama highlights the art, the beauty of the California coast and the darker sides of the art and artists of the 19th Century.

Rating: TVMA

 

Have fun,

Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Vampire Diary: White Wedding

Dear Diary,

Men still seek out monsters. They look for beings from other planets. They seek fish. They look for murderers. Men dress like women and look like women. Then they remove their clothing and walk naked and afraid. Why are they afraid?

Maybe they want to be like the men and women who solve crimes then make love and rip each other’s clothing, then smoke and ponder the meaning of life, then go back to their guns.

I find myself mesmerized by the women in wedding dresses. I was saying yes to the dress.

I was cheering for men called Giants throwing balls as fast as rockets. Then there were tiny people with tiny little children. Teeny tiny little children who didn’t perform for anyone. Just were playing like any children, just smaller. People spoke of war and economic disaster and weather, but I kept going back to   the two men who helped bring a love lorn woman to a man she’d never met. I thought it was going to be about fish. The man turned out to be somebody else. The woman was angry. They talked. I would have had him killed, but that is just me. I went back to the wedding dresses, then to uneducated people catching alligators, then to ghost hunters and someone praying. I wonder why they pray. Maybe they’re looking for mates or the perfect dress or fish. Or maybe they want a rusty old gas station signs. Maybe they want to find a murderer. They are all looking for drugs. They are all looking for love. They are not all naked but they all seem to be afraid.

I stopped to see a beautiful woman tattoo beautiful images over bad tattoos. Two men, her friends, did the same. They were not interested in fish or alligators or storing units. They were artists. I could not find any other artists.

There was something called The Notebook. I’ve heard women talking about it. I watched part of it but did not understand. I went back to the wedding dresses. I said yes again.

This thing they call cable and TV is insane. I was never interested before. Now, I must turn the machine off and drape a cloth over the large screen on my wall.

~ Vlad

_________________________

Dear Diary,

Last night as I was sinking my fangs into the neck of a beautiful woman my thoughts were not on blood. My hand went down her hot bare body and I wondered would she look better in a ball gown style dress or a mermaid style.

~ Vlad

_______________________

Dear Diary,

My cat is sitting next to me surrounded by her kittens. They sleep together, a ball of vibrating fur.

A man who looks like he has a hairball on his head is on the television screen. He wants to be president. He has offended everyone. My friend Gillian told me about two others called Deez Nuts and Limberbutt McCubbins. I think I will vote for them.

~ Vlad

____________________

Dear Diary,

Last night I walked along the street and stopped in front of the window of a tattoo artist. I went inside.

I told the man I wanted a woman in a white dress on my arm. He suggested a pin-up style and drew a picture. She was beautiful.

He asked about my cold skin. I told him not to worry about it.

Four hours later I left with a white gowned bride on my arm. Her beauty would stay with me, only for a while. By sunrise she was gone. My skin rejects the ink, but I will always have the memory of my bride.

I thought of a wedding, my wedding, many centuries ago. She wore blood red silk. Her dark curls hung down her back. Her eyes only on me. Her image is tattooed in my memories. The feel of her touch is always on my skin.

Where is she now?

~ Vlad

_____________________

Dear Diary,

I have found homes for all of the kittens. I will keep the white and tabby one. I have no name for him yet.

My lover Gillian said I need to get them fixed. I told her there was nothing wrong with them. She rolled her eyes and said fixed means fixing them so they won’t reproduce anymore. She said it was the right thing to do.

Gillian doesn’t know that I imagine her in a strapless white ball gown with full skirts and beading. Despite the fact that Gillian, like me, is a Vampire I often imagine her with warm skin and hot blood as I carry her to my bed.

Unlike hot blooded women Gillian never asks me what I’m thinking or how I feel. She wouldn’t make a very good reality TV show. I don’t understand exactly why I think that, but it doesn’t matter.

~ Vlad

victorian vampire girl

______________________

For more Vampire Diary Installments click on the links below:

Vampire Diary

Vampire Diary: Intervention

Vampire Diary: Game Day

Vampire Diary: Feeling Alive

Vampire Diary: Blood Red

Vampire Diary: Embroiled in a Dream (and still cute)

Vampire Diary: Something I do understand

Vampire Diary: Modern Worlds

Oddities and Ends

Have you ever had one of those days when you look somebody in the eye and tell them, “You will fail as a Vampire.”

This isn’t one of those things someone can practice and master. You either have what it takes or you don’t.

Yes, it has been one of those days.

Cocktail time.

A lot of people come to this blog looking for directions on how to become a Vampire. Either that or wanting to know how a Vampire turns someone into a Vampire.

It isn’t how you think and you aren’t going to hear about it from me.

I can only imagine what would happen if the world filled up with completely unsuccessful, pitiful, failure Vampires. It would make great reality TV with names like “Blood Sick,” and “American Vampire,” or “Vlad Knows Best.” Or on MTV it would be called “Reality Sucks.” No thank you. And no intervention shows because you can’t go back.

______________________________

Next week Clara and I are going to be on the road. We’re leaving the boys at home for a big sporting event in a city with few entertainments. My plan is to finish a book I’ve been working on for a while. Clara’s plan is to win every single event (or do her best) and work on AP History and AP English summer class work.

The book is not about Vampires, Werewolves, Ghosts or other paranormal beings. There are no Gothic overtones. It is just a novel with a lot of twists and turns and I hope… I hope I can pull it off.

And yes, I’m going to have an editor look at the book before I send it out into the world. You’ve read this blog. You I can’t edit.

The only reason I’m telling you about this is an excuse to use the wonderful Christopher Lee Vampire Meme about writing created by my creative friend Jason Kemp (J Harrison Kemp.)

 

Write ALL THINGS VAMPIRE

And yes, you should be writing.

I should be writing, so have a good evening. Enjoy the shadows, enjoy those you love and do something creative.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Rude, Crude and Socially Unacceptable – Old Fashioned Family Fun

Good news, I’m taking my kids to see the band All Time Low tomorrow night. Am I the cool mom or what. It will be a lot of fun and I’ll write a full review and maybe even post photos live from the show. And in May we’re going to see (for the second time) Twenty One Pilots.

In the meantime….

Rude, Crude and Socially Unacceptable – Old Fashioned Family Fun

For all I write on parenting…and this is a parenting blog (or at least it used to be)…

Some people might think my husband and I are bad examples for our kids after they read this. You may stop now if you want. There are a lot of other great posts on this blog that will make you smile and are in good taste. There are even Vampire posts and some great short stories… Check it out. Or go on reading this… I guess.

We’ve been talking about “Not Quite Reality TV.”

On Tuesdays we all curl up on the couch together and watch Ink Masters. Someone commented on that yesterday. Hey, it teaches art appreciation, how to be a good or bad competitor, grace under fire and the importance of learning your craft no matter what you do. Plus Dave Navarro is smoking hot. Chris Nunez is super smart and we’ve learned a lot from him about tattoo standards. And Oliver Peck is darling. Chris and Oliver are amazing artists as well – two of the best. And it is just an old fashioned freak show. We’re waiting for the next show when Kyle goes off on Chris. Smack the crap out of him Chris! Stop being a whoosie ass baby Kyle! Find your man card and grow a pair.

My daughter is addicted to Bar Rescue. I have no words or explanation on that one.

Antiques Roadshow is ok because my husband is in the business, we’ve been to Antiques Roadshow AND it is on PBS (and he knows a lot of the dealers).

My son tells everyone he never watches television but I know he watches Sherlock on Netflix and Skins (which is not about weasel trappers.)

When the kids both turn 18 they want to be on The Amazing Race. I think they’d win, or at least be the most entertaining people ever on the show. Even more amazing is the fact that they don’t even watch the show.

Tonight we discussed game shows and new shows in general we might produce.

Wheel of Torture. If you don’t get any of the words right you get the thumb screws, whacked with a cattle prod, bitten by dogs…or forced to watch reruns of Jersey Shore.

Are You The One – Family Style. 10 girls and 10 guys get together to find their perfect match. The hitch is that two of them are brother and sister but none of them know WHO is related. Yes, that is super sick, but it keeps them all out of the BOOM BOOM room. Yes, this was really bad but I won’t even start to tell you some of the really bad shows we came up with.

Werewolves on Ice. Ice skating show featuring Werewolves. Think about it. THAT wold be funny (at the expense of our furry friends.)

Junk Yard Wars – Naked Edition. A team of girls try to guess, you guessed it, what guy that junk belongs to.

Than again most of the stuff on Cable TV is pretty scary and weird and in really really really bad taste. We couldn’t make it up.

My Strange Addiction features people who want to be living dolls, people who eat eye makeup, eat beds, get humongous boobs, eat other people’s toe nails, collect rat skulls… the list goes on. It is the most disgusting thing on TV.

There is even a show about women who don’t know they’re pregnant. Excuse me? If you’re pregnant you know it.

Then there are all of the Southern Hillbilly shows. Swamp people, Swamp Girls, Fish Giggers, Pregnant and Stupid, Pregnant and Knocked Up, Pregnant and Stinky, Deadly Dogs, Pawn Punks and Duck Danglers… it goes on and on and on. I know a lot of Southerners but none of them are like these yahoos. And don’t forget Honey Boo Boo. My brain is going to rot out of my head even knowing that these things exist.

Forget Horror Movies, just turn on your TV.

I know this has been a stupid post but…

Oh come on, I wish I’d recorded our conversation because it was really really funny. We laughed so hard. Maybe next time.

And it all goes to show that a family that laughs together and does stupid silly things together stays together. If you have kids enjoy them. Laugh with them. And when they ask you to lighten up – do it. And you know, you can teach your kids the difference between good taste and bad taste – and have fun doing it.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

If this Vampire wants to tattoo your image on his arm...you'll have to check out his entire body first.

If this Vampire wants to tattoo your image on his arm…you’ll have to check out his entire body first.

Vampire Maman (look I drew something, a tattoo, now leave me alone)

Vampire Maman (look I drew something, a tattoo, now leave me alone)