AGT with Vampires and Drinks and Amazing Things (Eclipse Edition)

Every summer since 2012 I’ve been blogging about the TV talent show America’s Got Talent (or AGT.) It started out as a cheap trick to get people to read my blog. It is still a cheap trick to get people to read my blog – especially since I add in booze.

I was up in Oregon earlier this week to see the TOTAL ECLIPSE so I did not see the show live, or at least not on the night it was aired. I didn’t get to vote. I didn’t even drink.

However, when I returned home yesterday I watched it with my husband Teddy and college student daughter Clara.

Here are our thoughts and the results.

Tyra Banks was wearing some sort of weird jumpsuit in a loud black and white print. She is a beautiful woman but this just made her look like a circus freak. But hey, whatever floats your boat or whatever.

Here are the acts:

Boy Dancers.

I don’t remember their name. We stopped watching the dancers and noticed how weird Mel B’s hair color was. It was a dusty gray, like dryer lint. Not a good look.

Celine Tam (singing child)

She is darling but her parents are exploiting her. She is so polished. Every single hand movement, facial expression, comment is studied and planned. She did sound like a child this week but the 90’s songs are getting old. Her parents take her to a lot of other big talent shows like this in other countries. She is their cash cow. That makes me sad because she is precious and super talented. I know we are jaded but I bet she has no friends, no sleep overs, no public school, no other activities. I hope I’m wrong. Teddy said she is really 47.

Scary Twins (Mirror Image)

Remember when you were in school and there were those annoying kids who were always “ON” 24/7. They were talented and wanted EVERYONE to know it. Well here they are as an act called Mirror Image. They are two boys who dance and sing in a way that only Donnie and Marie fans on Meth would appreciate. During their act we discussed how Simon’s shirts never fit him. He is a nice looking guy and rich. There is no reason for him to dress in ill fitting clothes. Heidi looked lovely.

Clara said with twins there is always a dominant twin. She said “I would like to think that I would have been the dominant twin.” Ain’t that the truth.

Johnny Manuel

Sweet kid. Good looking. But here are the notes from the peanut gallery…

He is awful. Why’d he pick this song? He is doing it slow cause he can’t sing. Doesn’t sound like he is singing that song. He’s not. No this isn’t even… he’s just doing the same notes over and over and over. The judges will love him.

And they did love him. The sweet kid made it through. I hope he can find a better song next time.

Dancing Robot Kid Merreck Hannah

Comments from the peanut gallery: He looks like that weird creep kid everybody has in class. You just want to tell him to sit down and shut up.

Nobody here was inspired.

The Masquerades

Three old guys who sing like angels. They sang together in the 60’s. They had a record deal at one time. They came back. They were darling.

Light Balance

Just another group of guys dressed up with lights. Ho hum. This kind of act has been overdone. Thank goodness nobody is doing one of those awful shadow acts this year.

Evie Claire

I love this young lady (age 13). She had tragedy in her life, but she brings joy and hope through her voice. She won’t win but she gets my vote. She is lovely.

Danger Guy – Escape Artist

Clara likes him. I don’t remember his name and it isn’t in my notes. I’m not a fan. His girlfriend sits on the sidelines and cries. It is all so fake.

Magic Guy Eric Jones

I like him well enough. He did illusions with cards and glass. Yep, stuff went right through glass. You can’t help but like this guy. His illusions are fun. But he is slow. We lost interest right away. Teddy mentioned if he could pull cards out of Howie’s ass that would be great, but then Clara reminded her dad that someone had already done that a few years ago.

Dogs – The Pompeyo Family

We love dog acts. This time it was cute. The dog danced to Katy Perry singing Roar. The dogs were dressed up like African animals. It was kind of a mess. Cute but a mess.

Mandy Harvey

This beautiful talented young woman could be our winner. Mandy Harvey was a talented young singer and song writer when at the age 18 she lost her hearing. Her father encouraged her to get back into her music. Now in her mid 20’s she is amazing. She still sings, writes her own music, and plays her own instruments. And she is GOOD. She is beautiful – her face, her voice, her personality. This is not a sympathy call because she is deaf. She is THAT GOOD. It was powerful.

So who won and is going on to the next show?

Mandy Harvey

Light Balance (we are tired of light shows and didn’t even watch them)

Johnny Manuel

Celiene Tam

Robot Boy

Evie Claire

Eric Jones

 

Now for the Cocktails.

We didn’t have any. I had some Rogue River Beer in the fridge but we skipped it tonight. We’ll have it tonight. I’ll let you know how it was.

So until next time… have fun.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

AGT and Cocktails – The 2017 Voting Starts (and Vampires)

(Peviously recorded – the winners of this round are listed after all act descriptions.)

In the summer of 2017 I started posting about AGT, sharing the comments of the peanut gallery of friends and family, and telling you what cocktails Teddy was making for the night.

Last night was the first night of votes for the 2017 season. Tonight we’ll find out what the first batch of talented folks going in for the finals will be.

So here is a run down of who performed, and what was said. This gets pretty brutal. Vampires are not an easy crowd.

Christian Guardino 

This kid is only 17 and I gotta admit has a huge voice. Last night my family was not part of his fan base. The peanut gallery gave the following comments:

He’s not that good.

Like Catsup and Ice Cream, but the judges will rave about him.

The judges did rave about him but I don’t think he is that great.

Yes, the judges ate him up.

Our vote: NO

Artion and Page (Dancers)

This eight and ten year old pair is so full of energy and sooooo cute. I have no idea why I like them. I usually don’t like kid dancers. Maybe that was after years of a certain dance school exploiting and sexualizing their hoochie dancing baby salsa stars. Ugh. BUT this isn’t the case this year. These kids are absolutely genuine and precious. They are just funny. Their facial expressions are hilarious and joyful and real. And these kids can move – but they move like kids. They just fun. Puppy and kitten cute. By the way, they danced to Footloose.

Our vote: Yes (except Teddy who doesn’t like any of the dancers)

In the Stairwell

This group is made up of a group of fine young men who attend the United States Air Force Academy. They are all great singers, good looking, and just darned cute (suck it up Vlad, you’re not the only one.) I love them. One Tuesday they sang the Fun song “Some Nights. Even Simon stood up to cheery. They are fine indeed.

Our Vote: YES YES YES

Singing Trump

This is a guy who is in his 50’s, obviously a professional performer, and entertaining. Unfortunately he was off on Tuesday, with a bad choice of songs. He did “Shut Up and Dance,” which was weird and confusing done by “Trump.” Then he switched to M.C. Hammer’s “Can’t Touch This.” A sad fail indeed. Yes, the man will never get my vote.

Comments from the peanut gallery: He’s not fat enough to be trump. Whoever he is the man is a professional. Tremendous, greatly, and very very bad tonight.

Our Vote: No

Angelica Hale

A nine year old girl with big pipes. We like her. She is cute with a mature sounding voice. She can really sing.

Our Vote: Yes

Bello Nock

This guy is a classic circus clown in the old time Barnum and Bailey tradition. He does dare devil stuff. He is good at what he does. He makes it look fun. Alas, he didn’t grab any of us enough to get our vote.

Our Vote: No

Just Jerk

When I saw the name I thought of Jamaican cooking. No such luck.

This is yet another group of teenage boys (with a couple of token girls) who dance as good as an average high school drill team. Ho hum. Boring music. Boring Dancing. I don’t know why they were even chosen in the first place. This is where the formula aspect of the show comes in – they need people in every group (singers, dancers, teens, adults, kids, dare devils, etc.)

Our Vote: NO

Puddles Pity Party

This guy is a talented mature singer dressed like a sad turn of the 20th century clown. 

Comments from the peanut gallery:

Fast forward. NOW.

Simon should come out and beat him to death.

This is bull shit.

The song is horrible enough and even worse when he sings it.

Simon gave him an X.

Our Vote: No

Preacher Lawson

Comedian

We love this guy. OMG he is funny. He is a shooting star. Love love love! Look him up on YouTube. Preacher Lawson.

Our Vote: YES

 

Yoli Mayor

No good comments from the peanut gallery EXCEPT that she looked great and had a wonderful dress on that was super flattering. It was a bad song to start with and she can’t even sing it. I don’t know why the judges (Simon) are so intrigued by her. She is a lovely young woman, but not the million dollar act.

Our Vote: No

 

Trashy Roller Skaters

We’re a skating family. My daughter is a US National Roller Sports Champion. We DO NOT like this act. This brother and sister pair CAN skate. They have expensive boots and plates. They know what they are doing, BUT they are so trashy. She dresses slutty. He usually has his shirt off. They were spinning around and his head is right in his sister’s whoo haw.

Comments from the peanut gallery: All they do is spend. People are doing this in Vegas (naked.) All they do is spin. All they do is spin. All they do is spin. This would be a good 90 second opening for another act. If she wasn’t hot it wouldn’t work.

Our Vote: No

 

Darcy Lynne

This young ventriloquist could win it all. I can’t even describe how good she is (so here is a video.)

She is amazing. She sings better than 99% of the singers. She keeps in character with her characters. She has amazing stage presence. She’s a winner.

Our Vote: YES YES YES YES YES YES

And the acts that went through to the finals are:

In the Stairwell

Darcy Lynne

Angelica Hale

Preacher Lawson

Trashy Roller Skaters

And two acts saved with some Dunkin Donuts weird vote thing were:

Yoli Mayor

Christian Guardino

 

While we’re all watching this silly show my husband Teddy is making cocktails.

Forget the fruit and the fluff.

We’re going for the hard stuff.

 

That’s No Bull Shot

  • 2 ounces vodka
  • 2 oz blood
  • 1/4 fresh squeezed lemon juice
  • 1/2-cup of cold beef concentrate
  • 2-6 dashes of Tabasco or other hot sauce to taste
  • A dash of ground pepper
  • A dash of cayenne pepper
  • A dash of kosher salt

Instructions:

Shake all ingredients in a shaker with liberal amounts of ice. Garnish with a slice of lemon.

Note: If you’re not a Vampire leave out the blood.

 

vm_eve

 

Bloody Bovine

  • 2 oz vodka
  • 4 oz of V8 or Trader Joe’s Vegetable Cocktail Juice
  • 4 oz chilled beef concentrate
  • 4 oz blood
  • 1 tsp of peeled and finely grated fresh horseradish (If you don’t have fresh use the kind in the jar. Don’t use the cream horse radish sauce because it will be disgusting.)
  • A pinch celery salt
  • 2 dashes of Worcestershire sauce
  • 3 dashes of Tabasco Sauce or more to taste
  • A liberal sprinkle of ground pepper
  • 1/4 oz fresh lemon juice (just squeeze in a few wedges)
  • And a big green olive or two. Try a blue cheese stuffed one.

Instructions:

Combine everything over ice in a big glass (or two if you want to share). Stir. Ganish with a long piece of fresh red bell pepper.

Note: If you’re not a Vampire leave out the blood.

 

Now Let’s Talk BACON

vm bacon cocktail

It’s all about the bacon. And the news is good.

You can now have your bacon and drink it too.

 

How to make Bacon Washed Booze.

 

You can add bacon flavor to vodka, whiskey or broubon. And it is easy. AND best of all you’ll get to eat the bacon.

This is fantastic in a Bloody Ceasar or Bloody Mary.

 

Bacon Washed Booze

Ingredients:

  • 1 pound good quality bacon
  • 26 ounces vodka, whiskey or bourbon (some people like to use rum too. I say go for it.)
  • 2 quart Mason jars
  • Fine mesh strainer or cheesecloth and funnel
  1. Fry up your bacon on low heat until nicely crisp but not charred. You don’t want to burn it. Pour fat from the pan into a heat-safe bowl (like a Pyrex bowl).
  2. Remove bacon strips and put them on a plate that’s covered with a paper towel. Let stand for five minutes.
  3. Pour alcohol of your choice into a large mason jar.
  4. When the bacon has cooled slightly, add strips into the Mason jar with the alcohol. Pour bacon fat into the jar as well. Let jar stand at room temperature for four hours and stir mixture every hour. Remove the bacon strips (but not the fat)
  5. Put the jar into the freezer overnight. The fat will solidify and rise to the top, scrape as much fat out of the jar as possible.
  6. Using a fine-mesh strainer pour vodka from one jar to a new empty mason jar. The strainer should catch lots of bacon fat and other stuff.
  7. Wash the original jar used and train the bacon infused alcohol one more time into the now clean and empty Mason jar. Enjoy.

 

vm_rick

Make a dry Bacon Martini and garnish with a strip of bacon. Or try a Smokey Vampire. Yum.

 The Smokey Vampire

  • 2 oz. Bacon Infused Bourbon (or Whiskey)
  • 1/4 oz. maple syrup
  • 2 dashes Angostura bitters
  • Orange juice (just a bit)
  • Blood (just a bit)

In mixing glass, stir 2 ounces bacon-infused bourbon, maple syrup, and bitters with ice. Strain into chilled rocks glass filled with ice. Garnish with bacon and if you want add a splash of orange juice and blood.

Note: If you’re not a Vampire leave out the blood.

 

Have fun and we’ll see you next week for more ATG and Cocktails (and Vampires.)

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Summer TV Update (with Vampires, guilty pleasures, cooking, movies, AGT, and more)

Fall is just around the corner. I know that because I am painfully aware that books for the fall quarter for two college aged kids will run around $1,600 – $2,000, maybe a little less if they are lucky enough to get used books. But on a good note, the summer TV season is still in full swing.

I know I’m not the only person on the planet who is NOT watching Game of Thrones. I was turned off the first season by all of the gratuitous doggy style sex in every single episode. Really? Come on folks mix it up. I think that is an HBO thing. Seriously it gets annoying after a while (like after the first five or six times within an hour.) There were also a couple of other annoying things. I tried to read the first book and couldn’t get through it due to the writing style. It was well written, but I just couldn’t get into it. Hey, I have read a lot of fantasy, more than most, and a lot of difficult literature (which I loved) but I couldn’t get into Game of Thrones. Sort of like I can’t get into any Wally Lamb book (sort of like waiting in Hell, I mean on hold with any technical support department with any cable company, phone company, or eBay.) But if you like it then go for it. Have fun. As us Vampires say, “sink your teeth into it.” And there are dragons. Dragons are always exceptionally cool.

I also don’t watch Dr. Who. Never have. Never will. I will not discuss the subject. Period.

By the way, I have a funny bit. This morning my husband answered the phone at some early still-dark hour. He said, “Microsoft Technical Support,” and presto – the caller was gone. HA HA HA. I love that man.

So what stupid things have I been watching this summer? Not a lot. Mainly movies. Mainly small indie films. I’ll do another post for summer theater films (maybe) later. This is what I’ve watched and highly recommend that I’ve seen on cable.

Juliette’s Short List for Summer Movies You Can Watch On Your TV or Computer:

  • The Fundamentals of Caring
  • Shimmer Lake
  • I Don’t Feel At Home In This World Anymore
  • Tangerine

Note: All of these are small Independent films. Good stuff. None of them will make you want to strangle me after you see them. Please see the ratings and descriptions before you watch them with kids. 

 

The Bachelorette

Late one night, while I was alone, I discovered The Bachelorette. I discovered Rachael. Who couldn’t love Rachael. She is a beautiful, lovely, charming, sweet woman from Texas.

I usually don’t get hooked into this stuff but I did. I watched it in secret without family or friends. I wouldn’t admit to anyone that I was following Rachael’s adventures. But I couldn’t stop watching it.

You know, if it was a guy picking out a girl from the usually room full of chicks in too high of heels and too tight dresses I wouldn’t have watched. But this was different. This was so different. I’m not going to even try to explain today. Maybe later. Not today (I have stuff to do and need to finish this post.)

She started out with about thirty guys who all wanted to marry her, or at least get the chance to find out if they wanted to marry her. Each week she’d give a rose to the guys she wanted to keep in the running. The guys all stayed together in a stable, I mean house. Some were nice. Several were real douches. Some spent their time back stabbing other guys. That got them nowhere. In the meantime Rachael went around the world having romantic adventures with the fellows and FINALLY picked the last THREE. Oh what a heart break and what a sweet ending.

She picked…one of my favorites…the right choice… Bryan. Woo Hoo. I wish them a long happy life together.

I hope it works out for them when reality sets in. You know the reality I’m talking about. How will they handle it when one of them gets sick our injured? How will she deal with his weird high school friend Kyle? What about their morning routines, holidays, decorating styles, views on how they’ll raise their kids, where they’ll raise their kids, morning coffee breath, what they watch on TV and a variety of weird things? Life after dating can get complicated – yes, that is what marriage is. Marriage is rewarding but it isn’t easy. It takes a lot of work, and it isn’t always romantic.

I still can’t believe I got sucked into this. Awww, must be the romantic in me. Hey, Peter, dude, you blew it.

America’s Got Talent

This is my flagship show. What I mean by that is that when I first started this blog back in 2012 I started blogging about this show every single week during the summer. All of us (me, family, friends) would gather around and watch. I publish comments from the peanut gallery – unfiltered and unapologetic. The honest truth. The show is good this year and now in the judges cuts for the top acts. I’ll be posting on it again… and YES WITH COCKTAILS. Do a search for previous blog posts on this show.

I have to add one note about this season’s “golden buzzer” choices. A small girl with a big voice sang a lovely song and received the “golden buzzer.” My daughter looked the girl up on Google and found that she’d been in talent shows all over Asia. No wonder she was so good on stage, so slick, and utterly fantastic in a practiced and staged way. Her parents have made her into an industry – starting with what they named her (after a famous singer.) Unlike many of the other children we’ve seen on the show I feel this child is exploited by her parents. There is nothing natural about her. This isn’t talent. This is force fed performance – like a trained dog or monkey. She is their cash cow – raised to be a cash cow. By the time she is 23 she’ll be washed up, but who cares – mom and dad can retire in comfort. It is too bad the guest judge who pressed the golden buzzer couldn’t have seen through the blatant exploitation of a small child.

Vampire Cocktails – two parts mixer, one part blood. Cheers. And never drink and drive.

Next Food TV Star

This season had a bunch of likable folks (except two who were just annoying.) In my opinion it was the best season ever. They are now down to the last three. All men. All fun. All guys you’d want to hug and have as neighbors. All great. My bets are on Jason, a wonderful guy from Tennessee with an accent that will melt your heart away. I could just eat him up. This man can cook and entertain. Let’s see what happens.

If you don’t want to win on this show do the following:

  1. Refer to yourself as “Mama” something.
  2. Talk non-stop about a distant country you identify with, that nobody has ever heard of, even though you are 5th generation American. Then rather than educating us, and sharing with us the wonders of your beautiful family culture, be so confusing about it that nobody knows what the crap you’re talking about.
  3. Be totally clueless in the kitchen.
  4. Show the other contestants how ignorant and helpless you are.
  5. Act surprised that you’re going to be on TV and have to talk about your food.
  6. Don’t know what a vanilla bean looks like.
  7. Make the other contestants want to cry when they are paired up with you.
  8. Don’t follow directions.
  9. Act like a Martha Stewart wannabe.
  10. Make some sort of shrimp and grits for every single challenge. Yes, we know you’re from the South, but I know damn well that folks from the South eat a lot more than grits.

Preacher

I love this show. I fucking love this show.

Life Below Zero

I’m hooked. Love Sue. Love the others too. But I wish they’d show more than just hunting and fishing. I’d like to see other aspects of their lives as well. We get a hint, but I’d like more. OK I admit, I watch for the foxes at Sue’s and the puppies with everyone else.

Forged in Steel

People make knives. No drama. They are craftsmen and women. They are awesome. Wow. Check it out.

Ink Master

Yes, we’re watching this weird and wonderful train wreck of a show. This year is a team effort (teams of two in competition against each other.) There is less drama and better ink than on previous shows. Thank you producers for raising the bar a little. And did I say better artists? Yes, they’re better than we’ve seen in years. Like most shows this is just something we watch together, talk about while we watch it, and don’t take too seriously. It is family time. Don’t like to watch it alone cause it just wouldn’t be fun. And Dave is still hot.

If this Vampire wants to tattoo your image on his arm…you’ll have to check out his entire body first. Hey, look at the Vampire Maman tattoo (yes, he has a tattoo.) Is that me on his arm? Hell yeah!

 

So have a nice week everyone, and try to get outside too. Have fun – as only the summer can give you.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

The Bachelor – Another Viewpoint with Options

In the wee hours of this morning I was scanning my Twitter feed (no you haven’t landed on the White House Web Site) and kept seeing stuff about The Bachelor. You know, the TV show where about 25 women wear tight clothing and fight over the same man. I doubt if they have knock down drag out physical fights (but it would be fun if they did) but I’m sure they get plenty catty.

I’d usually ignore something like this because I don’t watch the show but I noticed something weird. All of the guys look the same. Seriously they look like a set of fraternal quads – kind of like armadillo pups.

In fact I saw #cookiecutterguys on one of the threads. These guys are so white-bread boring that it is a wonder any girl would want to take the time to dig and claw her way to the top to get his rose.

Look at these guys. If you scroll the page down and just see their smiles the first three could almost be the same guy. If you just see the tops of their heads you’ll know they ARE the same guy.

Unlike MTV’s Are You The One, with 22 contestants who all pair up with their perfect match, making eleven couples, The Bachelor is so one sided.

But imagine if we redid The Bachelor and added some interest to the mix. Let’s make the guy interesting and special so the women will REALLY have something to WANT.

So dear readers… Who would YOU pick for the next Bachelor if you had a choice?

Adam Driver. He was HOT in Star Wars. Sure Han and Leia were shitty parents, but there was something about Adam Driver that makes him able to transform himself from a goofy looking average guy into a bundle of dark evil male hotness.

 

Darcy. Ladies, need I say more?

 

John Steinbeck. Ladies, need I say more?

 

This guy. OK, I have no idea who he is. I looked up “Average Guy” on Google and this is what came up. If he is average then I’m not sure what universe we’re in right now. Then again, my husband Teddy is in that realm of a 27 on a 1-10 scale, so I’m used to it.

 

Animal lover, confident in his masculinity. I bet he does a great Chicken Dance.

 

Secure with all the self-confidence any woman could ever dream of. Bring it on baby. He has that Russell Brand thing sort of going on doesn’t he?

 

How about the Hipsters? A guy with a well groomed beard, great hair (same style as my son) and a scarf. Who needs the quads when you could have this guy. I bet he also makes great toast and French Pressed coffee (yeah, I’m sure he knows how to do all kinds of great French things.)

 

Dare I say that the Quads are painfully white? So I’d like to introduce you to this guy. And I like how he is dressed. I’m sure undressed is just as nice. He put the STEAM in Steampunk.

 

And what about Goth Guys? He is the one who will heat up any cold dead Vampire girl on a dark winter night. Ladies, go for the style and mystery. You know he’ll never be boring.

 

He might look like a Silicone Valley Geek but he makes a Million and a half a year plus benefits. AND he can fix your computer and maybe even more. And he is sort of cute – you have to admit.

 

Blondes. There were no Blondes in the armadillo group. Blonde guys rock.

 

Dead guys. Wait, this guy isn’t dead. This guy is Keith Richards. Nuff said. Ladies, feast your eyes before he turns into old Keith. Hell, even old Keith is great – just listen to him play on the new Rolling Stones Album. HOT HOT HOT

 

Peter Cushing. Oh come on ladies, you have to admit it.

 

 

My name is Gorn and I always agree with Juliette.

 

Even my cat Oscar would be more interesting and he’d like ALL of the women on the show.

 

FINALLY maybe they could pick a Vampire – because everybody loves to get a red rose from a Vampire. And a Vampire will ALWAYS treat you as if you’re the only one.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

What we’re talking about over coffee this morning.

Coffee with Vampires

Even during the holidays we try to keep daylight hours, more or less, but I sometimes have that pull of my nocturnal biology and don’t sleep. I don’t sleep anyway. Most Vampires sleep like the dead (duh) but, well, good for them.

In the wee hours of the morning of December 28, 2016, just past midnight, my house shook with the force of an earthquake. Then it shook again.

At first Teddy thought it was the dog scratching and yelled at her. I told him it was no dog. Outside of Hawthorne, Nevada, close to the California/Nevada border the earth shook not once, but twice, at 5.8 and 5.6. It was enough for us to feel it 160 miles away (as the crow flies.)

Everyone else fell asleep but I kept awake. I feel like I’m still awake. I have coffee.

This morning it was quiet, despite the crowd staying at my house. Almost everyone was asleep this morning, just before the sun came up, so I took the dog for a walk. It was cold and wet but that can’t stop a one year old German Shepard. The nose of a dog knows no limits to what it can smell. When I got home I found my brother Max in my kitchen.

He’d come in late last night. Now he was leaning against the island counter with his eyes closed and his headphones on. He was as still as stone with no obvious signs of life. I walked up to him and gently took the headphones out. I listened. Strumbellas We Don’t Know. It was fitting for Max but a surprise.

Max opened his eyes and smiled a rare dazzling Vampire smile.

“Morning. Your coffee is getting cold,” I said handing him his cup.

“Thanks.”

“Do you think your demons will be gone today?”

He shrugged. “It might take a while.”

Over the holidays Demons had infested his home in San Francisco. He went to a party and when he came back they were there tearing the place up. Like just about everything else in this universe of ours they are attracted to Max and just can’t seem to stay away. He tried to take care of the problem himself but ended up with a black gash on his arm, and a major headache. He had to call a professional and move out for a few days.

Our great great great great Grandmama Lola came in, also staying for a few days (because the kids are on break) and made tea. She has been nervous since the election and all of the right-wing religious talk. Unlike Max and I who have had relatively safe lives, all things considering, Lola has not. She is ancient and has seen those she loved strapped to poles and burned alive. She has seen our kind torn apart and beheaded for no other reason that the fact they were different.

Lola warns us and my children again that they must stay quiet and trust no one. Of course. She is right.

“Not just us, but others as well. Do not forget the lessons of history, or those of your elders,” she tells the younger generation.

I hear my kids upstairs laughing now. Garrett has that joyful sort of horse laugh that so many young men have. Clara’s laugh is deep and rich, but still the laugh of a typical teenage girl.

Lola doesn’t look much older than my two but her eyes show the centuries. Sometimes it is the same look one finds in war zones and refugee camps. It is that look that politicians and religious leaders can’t see from their high pulpits – it is a look they close their own eyes to.

But now I’m starting to sound like a schlockie Vampire novel, or something from Oprah’s Book Club. Actually, take that back, I’d love to be in Oprah’s Book Club, as an author.

My brother Val showed up, then my husband Teddy came downstairs so it was a regular party.  So much for binge watching Twilight Zone, Botched, and Leah Remini in a quiet house (where nobody knows what I’m doing.) Insomnia got me through West World, and Worst Cooks in America. I found the other three this week by accident because I just did, and I couldn’t sleep, and my brain turned off for writing, or art, or anything else.

The discussion over coffee and tea included:

  • “The Curse of Oak Island” is the fact that they aren’t going to ever find anything.
  • A guy I know is going to audition for “America’s Got Talent.”
  • We were all impressed by the movie, “Hell or High Water.”
  • Juliette only read a few books in 2016, and that is a shame. And in 2017 we’re all going to read, “The Stranger” by Albert Camus, some for the first time, and some of us again.

Just like any other family we talk about movies, silly TV stuff, and books when we get together. That is something most of us can agree on.

We also talked in length about Max’s Demon problem. I swear there must be a portal near his house, or it must be him. I think they’re attracted to him because they see him as such a powerful Vampire. He says that isn’t the case. He says we’re all powerful in our own ways, then tries to be the good uncle and tells the kids that. Val and Lola went off into a corner to discuss his new girlfriend. Teddy gave me a kiss and went off to work.

Tonight Teddy and I are going to the Kings game. It will be my first time in the new Golden 1 Arena. Woo Hoo. We’ll go to Magnolia’s (a blood bar) for dinner first. Woo Hoo. Yes, that is the Sacramento Kings (just like my name) Basketball. Woo Hoo.

Football does nothing for me but I like Baseball and Basketball. Go Kings. Go Giants. My other sport is Artistic Roller Skating. Woo Hoo.

More on all of THAT later this year.

I sat by Lola and Val, and took Lola’s hand. I wanted to tell her that it will all be alright but I said nothing, and listened to Val tell about the girl he is falling in love with.

Happy New Year again everyone.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Lola

Lola

 

 

Vampire Maman Fall TV Lineup: New Shows

I just got word from my friend Thomas Kent that the fall listings for V-TV are coming out. Below is a sneak peek of some of the new shows.

 

Dark A.M. with Andrew

Late night show with Singer Andy Todd. What will you be watching at 3:00 a.m.? Fill the void with Andy. He features interviews with Vampire leaders, musical guests, authors, bloggers, nocturnal pet experts and more. With Andy everything is always smart, unexpected and entertaining.

Rating: TVPG

 

Night Crawlers

Reality TV with a down home fishing champion Werewolves. Buddy and Laverne deal with parenting their litter of four, plus running a fishing camp and championship boat yard. the first episode takes place with their crazy friends during a full moon on the lake. A run under the stars has never been more fun. You’ll howl laughing with this good-natured crew.

Rating: TVG

 

Dead Hunt

Find out who the deadliest Vampire Hunters are and what you can do to stop them. This hard edged show identifies threats and where they live. Hard hitting news and information about something that concerns everyone in the Vampire community.

Rating: TVPG

 

Fangs

What happens when four young Vampire friends move to the big city? A lot. Follow the hilarious adventures of new Vampires Quintin, Kylee, Melvin, and Claudette as they navigate their new world.

Rating: TVMA 

 

Open Season

Detective Amanda Tinkerton solves the murders that nobody else can. Only her colleagues have no idea that she is a Vampire. Partnered with Werewolf Alex Black, the two go into the dark corners where they not only hunt criminals, but the criminals hunt THEM.

Rating: TVPG

 

Katrina’s Krazy Kitchen

Have fun with Katrina in her paranormal kitchen with sidekick Michael the Goblin. We promise no small children will be in their ovens, but you’ll see other surprises that will make your mouth water. So come on down and cook with Katrina in her Krazy Kitchen.

Rating: TVG

 

Reality Stalk

With so many reality TV shows on now,  Vampire producer Jack Van Lees wondered, “how fun would it be to drop in for a surprise visit?” Vampires Jack,  and his friends Lauren, and Woody make night time visits to shows like Naked and Afraid, Survival and Fast N Loud.

Rating: TVPG

 

Crypt Hunters

Hosts Ollie and Rachael take you on a weekly tour of Crypts that are now available for the old fashioned Vampires (and aren’t we all a little old fashioned.) This is a fun filled show full of grave yard trivia, Vampire history, and a bit of interior design, entertaining, and real estate know how. Meet the crypt keepers and the Vampires who want to downsize into their own traditional crypts. As Ollie would say, “This is bloody fun for everyone.”

Rating: TVPG

Crypt Hunters

Crypt Hunters

 

Dark Art

In the late 19th Century the artists colony in the beautiful Monterey coast of California was flourishing. The artists had unbridled passions for their art…and for each other. Ellie and her lover Gerald aren’t just artists – they’re Vampires. This epic drama highlights the art, the beauty of the California coast and the darker sides of the art and artists of the 19th Century.

Rating: TVMA

 

Have fun,

Juliette aka Vampire Maman