Meanwhile…lurking under my house…

When you hear a lot of yelling and banging around under the house you know A) the dog has a skunk or B) the dog has a raccoon.

Clara had down outside to get something from under the house. We call it a basement. It is sort of a basement room where we store things like camping gear and gardening stuff. We live on a hill so we go down out the back sliding glass door to the deck, down about 20 stairs to the next deck and then a few steps down underneath the stairs to a door that goes into “the basement”.

Garrett and I ran out to see what it was. Thank goodness I didn’t smell skunk (the dog has already been sprayed 4 times.)

“What the Effing Fudge is that?” My 16-year-old Garrett said as he ran in behind me. (yes, my kids were taught not to be like their mom and try not to use bad language).

I stood in shock and disgust. What I didn’t expect was C) Goblins.

A Goblin changeling sat hunched in the far corner under the house between the camping gear and the cases of wine. It looked at me with tiny black rat eyes and rubbery greenish gray skin stretched over its bony frame. A white belly protruded like a bloated bullfrog. Long stringy blonde hair covered its head.  The same color as my daughter’s hair, only matted and oily. Long stick like fingers tipped with dirty broken claws pointed at my child.  A low growl came from between tiny pointed teeth.

Clara stood there with a shovel in her hands, her fangs out and ready to fight.

The Goblin wanted Clara, my beautiful daughter.  No, let me reword that. It wanted to be my daughter. It wanted to replace my child and send Clara off to be either a slave or more likely the bride of a Goblin Prince. I could see it taking on Clara’s features at it snarled at us from the dark corner.

“Damn it” I said. “Garrett go get your dad and tell him we have Goblins under the house.”

If you’re a regular human you can become a Vampire, a Werewolf or heaven forbid a Ghost. But you can’t become a Goblin. Goblins are an entirely different creature. They aren’t human or any subspecies or mutation of human. They’re just Goblins. Nasty, stinky, horrible, putrid, ugly, vile, soulless Goblins.

They aren’t like the sexy goblin king in Labyrinth (David Bowie). They’re more like the horrible Goblins in the beautiful Maurice Sendak book “Outside Over There” only worse. A thousand times worse.

If only they were like The Goblin King in Labyrinth I’d be spending a lot of time with Goblins. But they’re not. They’re horrible. I hate Goblins.

Goblins steal away what others love. They’ll take your dogs, your cats, your horses. They’ll take the photos out of frames, your family albums, your music collection. But worst of all they’ll try to take your children and replace them with a changeling – a goblin who will take the form of your child but is really a vile creature that has no soul.

I nudged in front of my daughter. “Get back. Don’t go near it.”

More running down the steps from upstairs inside. Garrett yelled “Look Dad, they’re by the Orange trees.”

I was watching the Goblin in the corner with a pitchfork. I could hear Teddy and Garrett dragging something or somebody onto our deck.

I took the shovel from Clara and wacked the Goblin changeling on the head. “Stay or I’ll smash your head in.”

Teddy was holding a grown female Goblin. She was dressed in a silly looking outfit as if she was trying to channel a munchkin out of the movie Wizard of Oz. Garrett held a slightly uglier, smaller male version wearing a red velvet suit shrink wrapped over it’s gourd shaped body.

“Keep your nasty vermin from my family,” my husband said to the over dressed creature.

“Goblins don’t want Vampire children.”

“Then what is THAT?” Said my husband motioning towards the changeling who had just poked its head out from the basement door.

“I didn’t know you were Vampires?” The Goblin had a half grin on its face. Goblins are horrible liars.

Teddy gave the Goblin a shake. “If you touch any of the regular humans, Werewolves or Vampires around here there will be Hell to pay. Do you understand?”

The Goblins shook their heads yes.

“I’m so sorry for the mistake. I don’t want to upset the Vampire community. You know how we admire and respect you. I’ll mail you a bill for removing the changeling.”

“We’re not paying for anything. You either remove that thing or I’m killing it.” Teddy was livid by then

The changeling yelped and ran back under the house.

After about 20 minutes the Goblins were gone. It will take another week to get all of the smell out from under the house. I swept away their ugly clawed footprints.

Regular people rarely see Goblins. Like other creatures of the night they hide and cloak themselves in the dark. Horrible horrible things!

We went inside and called, emailed and texted everyone we knew and told them to watch out.  Goblins are vermin like rats – really really bad rats.

Teddy and I had a long discussion with our kids about Goblins. They’d never seen them close up like that before. I was proud of them for handling themselves so well. Clara was Skyping all of her friends telling them how UGLY the thing was.

I reported the incident to the Circle and took a deep breath. The Circle is our own enforcement group and sort of acts as animal control for Goblins and the like.

I came back downstairs to my kitchen and poured a glass of wine.  I knew the Goblin would have never have taken Clara. Goblins are too stupid and weak to take Vampire children. In fact, they’re too stupid to take just about any child. But one must always be careful.


The ghost waited outside on the deck. I went outside to see if he wanted anything.

He gave me a sly smile as he leaned against the deck rail. “Now you have something to hate even more than ghosts.” He spoke to me in his usually somewhat snarky tone.

“I’ve always hated goblins more than ghosts.” That was true, and I’d never lie to the ghost.

“I suppose it is the level of sophistication a ghost brings to the party.”

I rolled my eyes and tried to hold back a smile.



Happy Friday everyone and have a good weekend. And do you know where your kids are? You’d better.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman





  1. Think I prefer ghosts to goblins. Hate smelly things. Are they worse than skunks??? Fun read, J. Hope you’re havin’ a good evening.

  2. I liked to read this. It’s so easy and smooth! And of course entertaining! You’re so gifted.

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