Summer TV Update (with Vampires, guilty pleasures, cooking, movies, AGT, and more)

Fall is just around the corner. I know that because I am painfully aware that books for the fall quarter for two college aged kids will run around $1,600 – $2,000, maybe a little less if they are lucky enough to get used books. But on a good note, the summer TV season is still in full swing.

I know I’m not the only person on the planet who is NOT watching Game of Thrones. I was turned off the first season by all of the gratuitous doggy style sex in every single episode. Really? Come on folks mix it up. I think that is an HBO thing. Seriously it gets annoying after a while (like after the first five or six times within an hour.) There were also a couple of other annoying things. I tried to read the first book and couldn’t get through it due to the writing style. It was well written, but I just couldn’t get into it. Hey, I have read a lot of fantasy, more than most, and a lot of difficult literature (which I loved) but I couldn’t get into Game of Thrones. Sort of like I can’t get into any Wally Lamb book (sort of like waiting in Hell, I mean on hold with any technical support department with any cable company, phone company, or eBay.) But if you like it then go for it. Have fun. As us Vampires say, “sink your teeth into it.” And there are dragons. Dragons are always exceptionally cool.

I also don’t watch Dr. Who. Never have. Never will. I will not discuss the subject. Period.

By the way, I have a funny bit. This morning my husband answered the phone at some early still-dark hour. He said, “Microsoft Technical Support,” and presto – the caller was gone. HA HA HA. I love that man.

So what stupid things have I been watching this summer? Not a lot. Mainly movies. Mainly small indie films. I’ll do another post for summer theater films (maybe) later. This is what I’ve watched and highly recommend that I’ve seen on cable.

Juliette’s Short List for Summer Movies You Can Watch On Your TV or Computer:

  • The Fundamentals of Caring
  • Shimmer Lake
  • I Don’t Feel At Home In This World Anymore
  • Tangerine

Note: All of these are small Independent films. Good stuff. None of them will make you want to strangle me after you see them. Please see the ratings and descriptions before you watch them with kids. 

 

The Bachelorette

Late one night, while I was alone, I discovered The Bachelorette. I discovered Rachael. Who couldn’t love Rachael. She is a beautiful, lovely, charming, sweet woman from Texas.

I usually don’t get hooked into this stuff but I did. I watched it in secret without family or friends. I wouldn’t admit to anyone that I was following Rachael’s adventures. But I couldn’t stop watching it.

You know, if it was a guy picking out a girl from the usually room full of chicks in too high of heels and too tight dresses I wouldn’t have watched. But this was different. This was so different. I’m not going to even try to explain today. Maybe later. Not today (I have stuff to do and need to finish this post.)

She started out with about thirty guys who all wanted to marry her, or at least get the chance to find out if they wanted to marry her. Each week she’d give a rose to the guys she wanted to keep in the running. The guys all stayed together in a stable, I mean house. Some were nice. Several were real douches. Some spent their time back stabbing other guys. That got them nowhere. In the meantime Rachael went around the world having romantic adventures with the fellows and FINALLY picked the last THREE. Oh what a heart break and what a sweet ending.

She picked…one of my favorites…the right choice… Bryan. Woo Hoo. I wish them a long happy life together.

I hope it works out for them when reality sets in. You know the reality I’m talking about. How will they handle it when one of them gets sick our injured? How will she deal with his weird high school friend Kyle? What about their morning routines, holidays, decorating styles, views on how they’ll raise their kids, where they’ll raise their kids, morning coffee breath, what they watch on TV and a variety of weird things? Life after dating can get complicated – yes, that is what marriage is. Marriage is rewarding but it isn’t easy. It takes a lot of work, and it isn’t always romantic.

I still can’t believe I got sucked into this. Awww, must be the romantic in me. Hey, Peter, dude, you blew it.

America’s Got Talent

This is my flagship show. What I mean by that is that when I first started this blog back in 2012 I started blogging about this show every single week during the summer. All of us (me, family, friends) would gather around and watch. I publish comments from the peanut gallery – unfiltered and unapologetic. The honest truth. The show is good this year and now in the judges cuts for the top acts. I’ll be posting on it again… and YES WITH COCKTAILS. Do a search for previous blog posts on this show.

I have to add one note about this season’s “golden buzzer” choices. A small girl with a big voice sang a lovely song and received the “golden buzzer.” My daughter looked the girl up on Google and found that she’d been in talent shows all over Asia. No wonder she was so good on stage, so slick, and utterly fantastic in a practiced and staged way. Her parents have made her into an industry – starting with what they named her (after a famous singer.) Unlike many of the other children we’ve seen on the show I feel this child is exploited by her parents. There is nothing natural about her. This isn’t talent. This is force fed performance – like a trained dog or monkey. She is their cash cow – raised to be a cash cow. By the time she is 23 she’ll be washed up, but who cares – mom and dad can retire in comfort. It is too bad the guest judge who pressed the golden buzzer couldn’t have seen through the blatant exploitation of a small child.

Vampire Cocktails – two parts mixer, one part blood. Cheers. And never drink and drive.

Next Food TV Star

This season had a bunch of likable folks (except two who were just annoying.) In my opinion it was the best season ever. They are now down to the last three. All men. All fun. All guys you’d want to hug and have as neighbors. All great. My bets are on Jason, a wonderful guy from Tennessee with an accent that will melt your heart away. I could just eat him up. This man can cook and entertain. Let’s see what happens.

If you don’t want to win on this show do the following:

  1. Refer to yourself as “Mama” something.
  2. Talk non-stop about a distant country you identify with, that nobody has ever heard of, even though you are 5th generation American. Then rather than educating us, and sharing with us the wonders of your beautiful family culture, be so confusing about it that nobody knows what the crap you’re talking about.
  3. Be totally clueless in the kitchen.
  4. Show the other contestants how ignorant and helpless you are.
  5. Act surprised that you’re going to be on TV and have to talk about your food.
  6. Don’t know what a vanilla bean looks like.
  7. Make the other contestants want to cry when they are paired up with you.
  8. Don’t follow directions.
  9. Act like a Martha Stewart wannabe.
  10. Make some sort of shrimp and grits for every single challenge. Yes, we know you’re from the South, but I know damn well that folks from the South eat a lot more than grits.

Preacher

I love this show. I fucking love this show.

Life Below Zero

I’m hooked. Love Sue. Love the others too. But I wish they’d show more than just hunting and fishing. I’d like to see other aspects of their lives as well. We get a hint, but I’d like more. OK I admit, I watch for the foxes at Sue’s and the puppies with everyone else.

Forged in Steel

People make knives. No drama. They are craftsmen and women. They are awesome. Wow. Check it out.

Ink Master

Yes, we’re watching this weird and wonderful train wreck of a show. This year is a team effort (teams of two in competition against each other.) There is less drama and better ink than on previous shows. Thank you producers for raising the bar a little. And did I say better artists? Yes, they’re better than we’ve seen in years. Like most shows this is just something we watch together, talk about while we watch it, and don’t take too seriously. It is family time. Don’t like to watch it alone cause it just wouldn’t be fun. And Dave is still hot.

If this Vampire wants to tattoo your image on his arm…you’ll have to check out his entire body first. Hey, look at the Vampire Maman tattoo (yes, he has a tattoo.) Is that me on his arm? Hell yeah!

 

So have a nice week everyone, and try to get outside too. Have fun – as only the summer can give you.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Vampire Maman Fall TV Lineup: New Shows

I just got word from my friend Thomas Kent that the fall listings for V-TV are coming out. Below is a sneak peek of some of the new shows.

 

Dark A.M. with Andrew

Late night show with Singer Andy Todd. What will you be watching at 3:00 a.m.? Fill the void with Andy. He features interviews with Vampire leaders, musical guests, authors, bloggers, nocturnal pet experts and more. With Andy everything is always smart, unexpected and entertaining.

Rating: TVPG

 

Night Crawlers

Reality TV with a down home fishing champion Werewolves. Buddy and Laverne deal with parenting their litter of four, plus running a fishing camp and championship boat yard. the first episode takes place with their crazy friends during a full moon on the lake. A run under the stars has never been more fun. You’ll howl laughing with this good-natured crew.

Rating: TVG

 

Dead Hunt

Find out who the deadliest Vampire Hunters are and what you can do to stop them. This hard edged show identifies threats and where they live. Hard hitting news and information about something that concerns everyone in the Vampire community.

Rating: TVPG

 

Fangs

What happens when four young Vampire friends move to the big city? A lot. Follow the hilarious adventures of new Vampires Quintin, Kylee, Melvin, and Claudette as they navigate their new world.

Rating: TVMA 

 

Open Season

Detective Amanda Tinkerton solves the murders that nobody else can. Only her colleagues have no idea that she is a Vampire. Partnered with Werewolf Alex Black, the two go into the dark corners where they not only hunt criminals, but the criminals hunt THEM.

Rating: TVPG

 

Katrina’s Krazy Kitchen

Have fun with Katrina in her paranormal kitchen with sidekick Michael the Goblin. We promise no small children will be in their ovens, but you’ll see other surprises that will make your mouth water. So come on down and cook with Katrina in her Krazy Kitchen.

Rating: TVG

 

Reality Stalk

With so many reality TV shows on now,  Vampire producer Jack Van Lees wondered, “how fun would it be to drop in for a surprise visit?” Vampires Jack,  and his friends Lauren, and Woody make night time visits to shows like Naked and Afraid, Survival and Fast N Loud.

Rating: TVPG

 

Crypt Hunters

Hosts Ollie and Rachael take you on a weekly tour of Crypts that are now available for the old fashioned Vampires (and aren’t we all a little old fashioned.) This is a fun filled show full of grave yard trivia, Vampire history, and a bit of interior design, entertaining, and real estate know how. Meet the crypt keepers and the Vampires who want to downsize into their own traditional crypts. As Ollie would say, “This is bloody fun for everyone.”

Rating: TVPG

Crypt Hunters

Crypt Hunters

 

Dark Art

In the late 19th Century the artists colony in the beautiful Monterey coast of California was flourishing. The artists had unbridled passions for their art…and for each other. Ellie and her lover Gerald aren’t just artists – they’re Vampires. This epic drama highlights the art, the beauty of the California coast and the darker sides of the art and artists of the 19th Century.

Rating: TVMA

 

Have fun,

Juliette aka Vampire Maman

ATG 2015 (with Cocktails and Vampires)

Summer is here and for my family (key words: family, family time, children) America’s Got Talent is a silly, fun, tradition. It is an old-fashioned talent show full of magicians, 78-year-old singers, dancers, comedians, acrobats… and you never know who or what will show up. My daughter told me that some kids from her school auditioned. It would be fun to see them on the show.

Last night was the second week of auditions. It is the 10th anniversary of the show. This is our 6th year of watching it, my 4th summer of blogging about it. While we watch my husband Teddy makes snarky comments and makes cocktails.

 

Cheers!

Cheers!

I have adored talent shows from the time I was a child. I never saw a Wild West Show (we lived in the Wild West.)

When my brother’s and I were growing up we took every opportunity we could to see performers. Most were musical acts, but we were open for anything. We’d sneak into theaters, do just about anything to see animal acts and puppets.

We first met our good friend Innocenzio D’ Antonio when he came through town with a touring opera company in 1865. My mother convinced him to stay in California (and turned him into a Vampire.) He showed up on Tuesday, at my house. His opinion is always valued. But we didn’t see any opera singers – not yet, but I guarantee you there will be some.

So what I’m trying to say is that we love shows and a variety of acts. Plus our silly summer ritual is the only talent type reality show we follow.

America’s Got Talent Season 10: Last Tuesday’s Show and Cocktails

The first few shows are the auditions shot during the winter months. The finalists (some children) are called back for the live summer shows (where the audience votes.)

This is what we saw and our rude comments for the second show:

Howie, Howard, Heidi and Mel are all back. My husband Teddy likes to give the silly Heidi clap. He says I clap funny like her.  And of course Nick is back in his usual ugly ill fitting suits – but he is still darling.

Here we go…

The DM Dance Group: Wow. This is one of the best dance groups I’ve ever seen on the show. About two dozen young women in black not only dance in the most mysterious way but use facial expressions too. Teddy thought they were boring, but he hates dance groups.

Wayne Hoffman: This guy exploded stuff in his mouth, or more accurate he did not explode stuff in his mouth, but rather in a box. He was ok. Teddy asked why he didn’t use m-1000’s. Now that would have been an act to remember.

The Craiglouis Band: Two cute and talented soulful singers. The judges loved them. Everyone sitting on my couch kept yelling “wrong key guys.” They also yelled, “you picked the wrong song dudes.”

The Swollowing Vomit Guy, Stevie Star: This guy swallowed stuff then pretended to barf it back up. Parlour tricks at best. He would have made a good opener at an amateur talent show.

Ronnie the Dancer: A weird middle-aged guy who danced in silver shoes. He was buzzed off.

Fourteen Year Old Ballet Dancer: I didn’t catch this young man’s name because everyone was talking too loud and yelling rude things about the previous dancer. The child was a beautiful teenage boy. They mentioned a vision problem, but I couldn’t tell. He was lovely.

Shirley Claire: Wow. This gal was a spunky, 87-year-old vixen. She sang her heart out. The jumpsuit didn’t do much for me – it was a bit baggy, but she hit it out of the ball park with her personality and style. The song she sang was “I’m Going to Live Until I Die.” Good choice.

There was a treadmill dance group. Impressive but not as fun as OK Go. Click here to see OK Go and you’ll know what I mean.

Roller Skate Guys: Horrible. They were nothing but a bunch of rink rat session skaters. Please, stop saying guys like this can skate. Come to the USA Roller Sports National Championships with me this summer and see how REAL skaters do it. Yes, it is a REAL SPORT. My daughter commented, “I can’t stand people like that.”

A magician sawed Heidi in half. I know how that is done. Someone mentioned he should have put a sock in her mouth. Yes it was mean but we all laughed. Sure we’re rude and awful but we’re Vampires.

Then there was the shy girl…

Lisa: A pretty young woman wearing a white blouse and red skirt came out to sing. The nervous girl came out with a huge beautiful bluesy voice. She was on key and absolutely killed it (in the best way.) I only wish the best for her. As a mom, I’d suggest a different hair style next time to frame that lovely face better.

Young Blood: He was a long-haired young man. I think he was trying to look like John Claire in Penny Dreadful (Frankenstein’s Creation.) He drank milk through his nose and squirted it out of his eyes. Why yes, it was disgusting. Yuck.

Derick Hughes Magician: Just look him up on YouTube (Click here for the link). He was a lot of fun and quite unexpected. He could win if he plays his cards right (yes, that was an intended pun.) Yes, he is the guy who pulled the cards out of his fly and out of his butt.

Freckled Sky: A couple of lovely young dancers played underneath water while fantastic images flashed on a screen. The comments from the peanut gallery were, “not tech bull crap,” and, “I’d rather just seem them dance,” and, “putrid,” and, “contrived.” I kind of liked them. They went straight to the Las Vegas semi-finals without having to perform again.

As for those cocktails…

Teddy mixed up a batch of one of our favorites.

Bloody Talent

3 parts V8
2 parts Vodka (I use the kind in the blue bottle)
1 part blood
A dash of lemon juice
A dash of lime juice
A dash of hot sauce
A dash of orange juice (just a dash)
A splash of good gin (the blue or green bottle)
3 large green olives (stuffed with whatever you like)
And add a pickled green bean if you like. Might as well.

Pour over ice!

Thank you Teddy!

If you’re not a Vampire leave out the blood.

So have fun and if you have a talent show it off!

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

AGT and Cocktails IS BACK! 8-19-2014

Every summer we hunker down on the couch on Tuesday and Wednesday nights for America’s Got Talent. My husband used to hate the show but now he watches it with us. But there is an addition… we’re not drinking Snapple. Teddy makes cocktails.

I’m bringing this feature back from time to time, maybe two or three more times this season out of tradition. This was one of the features that got this silly blog going. I don’t know if it was for AGT or Teddy’s Cocktails or just people wondering WTF when they saw I was posting a “Vampire Parenting Blog.” Who knows, be we’re all here now. We’re still here, and I’m glad that a lot of you are still here after my first year and now onto my third year of vampiremaman.com.

Warning the following blog is extremely opinionated and don’t try to push me in a correct moral direction according to whatever. I’m a Vampire. This is a flippin talent show on TV. I don’t care. Get over it. We might not agree but this is my blog.

As for the rest of you… Big group hug. I’m glad you’re here. On with the show!

So far this year it has been a sort of mild mixed bag. There was that prissy annoying asshat who was bound and determined to give rollerskating a bad name. The kids immediately took a dislike to him. THANK GOD he was voted off the show. I hope the door slammed him in the ass on the way out.

There was that pathetic girl who used “mental illness” as her reason to get votes. My teens informed me that she performs all over the place and has all kinds of fans without the “my mental illness” pity party going on. Don’t get me wrong – I am a STRONG advocate of mental health education, support and understanding. THAT is why I don’t like it when I see people use it as a marketing ploy. She exploited the audience with her sob story in a cold calculated way that made me sick. The girl couldn’t sign worth a shit either.

I am also tired of the endless parade of children being whipped into shape to salsa dance for egotistical sadistic dance studio owners. Does anyone else see the exploitation of these kids not to mention sexploitation. I have no problems with the other children on the show. All (except that annoying piano brat boy who had marginal piano skills) have been exceptionally sweet, cute and talented. I wish them all the best.

This year there are no big stand out acts like Prince Poppycock. Everyone is pretty tame, but fun. It is all fun. If it wasn’t we would be watching it. Yes, it is silly. One can only be serious for so many hours of each week. One can only read so many literary novels, only listen to so much smooth jazz or only watch so much Charlie Rose.

Alright then, now on to the show and cocktails! Let’s have some wholesome family fun.

Cocktails first…

Summertime Vampire Lemonade

  • 2/3 strawberry lemonade
  • 1/3 vodka
  • Enough ice to cover
  • Mix
  • Let it chill for a minute
  • Enjoy

If you want blood in your drink I recommend a nice chilled Marin County Mystery Writer Blood. Dave’s Wine & Blood is having a sale this week if you get a case.

Cheers!

Cheers!

 

So far our favorite acts are:

WAIT… I like all of them, except for two of them (the salsa sleaze and the weird girl who do acrobatics to her own drawings)  But if I had to pick so far…

  • Sons of Serendip
  • Blue… oh you know, the dancers (Look it up. They’re great)
  • David & Leeman
  • Miguel Dakota
  • Mat Franco
  • Emily West
  • Audrey Moran
  • Christer Stoiney and his cute little dog
  • And all the rest except the two mentioned above that I don’t like. As you know I’m usually extremely opinionated about this stuff but I enjoyed watching them all.

 

We’ll see who wins tonight’s show. I’ll share a few comments from the peanut gallery.

Here we go….so many dance troops and singers tonight.

Bad Boys of Ballet

  • 6 guys. 1 girl. I like this group. They can DANCE and they are entertaining to watch. 

Dom the Bombs Triple Treat

  • They’re so cute but kind of missed the mark tonight. They’re still cute. I doubt if we’ll see them again. Oh well. It was fun. They’re good kids.

Emil and Dariel

  • Two brothers who play the cello. They are wonderful. More than wonderful. I love these guys. The teens in the room loved them. They’re cute, sweet, talented and have a darling grandpa. A truly wonderful story and a great act. I’d love to see them win. They got a lot of votes from this group.

Extreme

  • Technically good but boring. I’d seen this before and before and before. Most high schools have dance groups like this. It was good but not a million dollar act. It was a basic cheer routine. 

Jonah Smith

  • He sang “Stay with Me.”  The peanut gallery all said it was better than the original. He was wonderful. I’d buy his album. Johah you’re wonderful. You rock. You deserve it. Johah got a lot of votes from this group.

Jonathan Riqulme

  • Good act. Dangerous. Some here got bored. But he was very good.

Keli Glover

  • Keli Glover was on several years back. Didn’t realize that this is a talent show. A show. One contest. She should have followed her dream. She is hanging all of her hopes on this. Can’t do that baby. Keli Glover looked beautiful (but her dress did not fit well at all.) She has a beautiful voice. I don’t think she’ll win. She isn’t unique enough. I hope she does well, gets a gig, gets on YouTube, tours with someone big. You never know. I just don’t think she’ll win this one.

Mothmen Dance

  • Comments included; I kind of like it. They’re all wearing their shirts – that is good. I like it. Not too busy. Not tons of people. Different. It could have been a little more campy. Of course they don’t get as many cheers as the boy who can’t sing. This is fun. A lot of fun. 

Nina Durri

  • Even the Vampires think this girl is creepy. The music and her act was just creepy. Yes, she does amazing things with her body but we had to fast forward. I wish her luck but it isn’t for us.

One Voice Children’s Choir

  • A cute group of kids. Most of them can sing. Of course they sang a song from Frozen. BUT… I don’t like choirs like this unless I know the kids or it is a live program. The front kids could sing a bit, but every school has a group this good or better. It all sort of sounded like yelling after a while. Cute kids. I’m happy for them but they won’t get my vote. 

Quintavious Johnson

  • We are getting mixed reviews here in the peanut gallery of night folks. Some say HE IS AWFUL. Some say he is cute and he can belt out a song. He is good for a kid but I don’t think he’ll move on.  On the other hand one never knows about this game.

Smooththini

  • Cute slight of hand. How did he do that? He palmed it, but of course he did. But it is cool and nobody can see how he does it. Charming. And where did the fish come from? HA HA

 

The results will be on Wednesday night’s show. We’ll see who goes to the semi finals.

Woo Hoo!

 

 ~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Vampire Maman Bonus Post: 2-Second TV Reviews

2-Second TV reviews

Don’t tell me that you don’t watch TV because I know you do. I know you aren’t reading literary books and discussing Eastern Philosophy and organic farming techniques every single night. And I can say that because I like history and opera and I’ve read War and Peace. I don’t watch TV 24/7, but sometimes one just has to chill out and take a break.

This is just a small and unscientific sampling of things I’ve seen this season. Feel free to add your own 2-Second reviews in the comment section for shows I failed to mention.

Vikings

esq-viking-xlg-21314781

You’d think anyone that violent with that much artistic talent would be having a whole lot of fun. These guys are no fun at all.

Sherlock

A lot of fun. All the young girls like it for obvious reasons. Very British. Sometimes it drags a little.

Elementary

Elementary_S1_e

A fun and smart take on Sherlock Holmes, with a female Watson. They saved the show by not having the two main characters jump into bed. Witty writing.

Grimm

Watch-Grimm-Season-3-Episode-14-Online-Mommy-Dearest

We love this show. We love the characters. Grimm Rocks! That’s it.

Dracula and Hostages

Just shoot me now and poke my eyes out with a stick. Both had potential but ended up being just stupid with a lot of bad plot lines, melodramatic acting and general confusion. Plus exceptionally bad costumes in Dracula. Don’t bother.

CSI

Only Las Vegas is on now. What is up with all the caked on makeup on the women this year? Come on gals this isn’t Cathouse. Still silly and fun to watch with a cocktail.

Drive-in, Diners and Dives:

Food Pornography. We need a Vampire version of this show.

Almost Human

MV5BMzQ1NDQ3MjUxOF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwMTY2MDczMDE@._V1_SY317_CR0,0,214,317_

This was almost good enough to capture my attention but then turned into just another bromance cop show. I hope it gets better (let me know and I’ll give it another try.)

Downton Abby

I’ve never watched this show. I don’t know why. For the longest time I thought it was Downtown Abby.

Are you the one (MTV)

Unknown

A bunch of unsuccessful daters are put together, each with a perfect match. They each get $50,000 if they find their match. This is a group effort. This is a train wreck that we can’t stop watching. We’re so pathetic.

Resurrection

We saw the first one. We all thought about people coming back but didn’t say much to each other about it. It is an old story. This one was done quite well. We’ll keep watching it.

Bate’s Hotel

I’ve never seen it but the kids say it is exceptionally creepy.

Bones

Read the books. You’ll thank me for it later.

Parenthood

Good production value… BUT these characters are sooooooo annoying. Too politically correct. Not good parents at all. Makes me want to scream – so I don’t watch it. My husband watches it when I’m not around.

Ripper Street

Not as good this season or as campy. Hmmmm. Somewhat confusing. Adding the Elephant Man was an unfortunate plot twist.

Naked and Afraid

We saw this once. The guy was an antisocial dick. The woman was sweet and deserved a better partner. The kids want to watch the new season and that makes me feel naked and afraid. Uh no, I think you have homework to do.

Modern Family

Brilliant and always funny. The smartest show on TV.

Parks and Rec

I didn’t think I’d like this one but find myself laughing every time.

Person of Interest

No weak female characters in this show. Woo Hoo. Am I sick and twisted because I’m starting to like Root?

Big Bang Theory

Too many sex jokes. I think it is running out of steam. Why do guys with such well paying jobs live in such a dump?

Ink Master

Always fun and a little weird. Dave Navarro is still smoking hot but needs to grow his hair out. Nobody is that good this year. Run human canvas run!

Hawaii Five-O

This show is so campy. It was sort of fun in a really stupid way (good drinking game material) until Steve’s girlfriend quit the Navy and became just another bimbo TV cop. She was smarter and sexier in uniform. Blah.

Justified

This season isn’t quite as wonderful as past seasons. I still enjoy the wonderful accents and plot twists, but I expected more this year. Maybe it will happen. I hope so.

Pawn Stars

I’ve seen things that I own on this program. Nothing is rare. Nothing is valuable unless two people want it bad enough.

Duck Dynasty

I don’t get the attraction. I don’t get it at all.

Oddities

Watch the New York show. The San Francisco show is too contrived and the people on it look like they’re wearing contrived Halloween costumes – not genuinely weird or original.

Too Cute

Too-Cute-2_6864

Nothing but puppies and kittens. No kidding. Feeling down? Watch this show. Feeling good? Watch this show. Warning – it is toxic cute.

Montessori Mafia

Doves with razor blades. No such show – my kids told me that one. Based on years of Montessori schooling. HAHAHAHAHAH.

TV-Watching

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

And have a happy pi day!

Cocktails and 2013 ATG Finals at the Vampire Home

America's Got Talent and Cocktails

America’s Got Talent and Cocktails

Oh my gosh it is the very last night of 2013 America’s Got Talent. We watch it every year and for those of you who follow this blog (especially old timers) you know that, well, I blog about it. For no reason at all except that it is FAMILY TIME and this is supposed to be a PARENTING BLOG (fooled you didn’t I.)

We were all SORELY disappointed and pissed off about last week’s show. Now we have three forgettable singing acts (yawn), a darling high school boy who does magic and only two acts that are good enough to win it all. But I’m sure one of the singers will win because most people have no imagination (or taste). On the other hand the dog act won last year. Go dogs. Gotta admit those dogs were really cute.

Anyway, since the final show is exciting, stupid, fun and frustrating all at the same time Teddy is making cocktails.

So this is what we thought…by the way, it was the usual gang of Vampires, about 12 of us from age 14 to age 456.

Warning: Mean but true comments ahead. Turn back if you don’t want to read anything not nice.

Nick had a suit that actually fit!

Below are real comments. Thank your lucky stars I didn’t publish all of them. This is a tough crowd here at Vampire Central.

Jimmy Rose

  • He was precious.
  • He had that tall drink of water look that all girls like.
  • Natural Country voice.
  • He wrote that song? Wow.
  • He is genuine.
  • His heart is in the right place
  • He is the best singer.
  • Makes me think of Randy Travis.
  • Howie shut the F up.
  • He is so much better than the other singers.
  • Howard shut the F up.

Kenichi

  • WOW.
  • He’d be a good opening act.
  • Wow.
  • When is it going to start?
  • He was his own back up dancers!
  • That was fun.
  • He is the girls!
  • This is fun.
  • I love it.
  • He is so much fun.
  • That was great.

Cami Bradley

  • My God what is she singing?
  • Cher is going to come out and kick her ass.
  • What is she doing with her mouth?
  • She is cute but she can’t stay on tune.
  • She’ll win because people are stupid.
  • Just annoying.
  • She’s a whore.
  • She just puts on the goody two shoes act. It is all fake.
  • That was mean.
  • It’s true. That is what people at her church say.
  • Are you kidding me? Really? She has butchered every song she has done. Oh my God that is horrible.
  • She has never been on key.
  • Please forward through it. That is horrible.
  • Why does she keep screwing up her face like that?

Collins Key

  • How’d he do that?
  • HA HA HA
  • That is amazing!
  • How did he do that?
  • He is so cute.
  • I love him!
  • He is so much fun.
  • How did he do that?
  • How did he do that?
  • That was so much fun!
  • How did he do that?

Forte

  • They need to learn how to dress themselves.
  • This is not very good.
  • Hear that? No.
  • They’re ok.
  • No this is really bad.
  • You go to any professional opera company and there are 45 guys who sing better. More than 45.
  • They’re just not that good.
  • Would you watch more than 10 minutes of that? Hell No.
  • They’re boring.
  • The chorus was too much.
  • Why the F do they need so much backup?
  • They’re good but I won’t remember them tomorrow.

Taylor

  • So creative
  • He is so funny
  • He is so cute
  • He has been the best so far tonight
  • He has to win.
  • Stupid people will vote for the singers.
  • Can’t help but like him.
  • He is the best but I think the skank will win it.
  • You’re mean.
  • I’m right.
  • This is really good. He could win it.
  • He is so good.
  • He should win it.
  • I can’t believe he said that.
  • He is so funny.
  • He need to win.
  • It will be nuts if he doesn’t win.
  • He should win.
  • He is so good.

Cocktail of the Night

Bloody Talent

  • 3 parts V8
  • 2 parts Vodka (I use the kind in the blue bottle)
  • 1 part blood
  • A dash of lemon juice
  • A dash of lime juice
  • A dash of hot sauce
  • A dash of orange juice (just a dash)
  • A splash of good gin (the blue or green bottle)
  • 3 large green olives (stuffed with whatever you like)

And add a pickled green bean if you like. Might as well.

Pour over ice!

Thank you Teddy!

If you’re not a Vampire leave out the blood.

The only thing left is to vote and see who wins tomorrow and hope it doesn’t make us cry.

 

Update 9/19/13:

Kenichi 1st Place

Taylor 2nd Place

Jimmy 3rd Place

We’re happy with that. They were the best and I’m sure they’ve all been contacted by agents already. Good job. Well see who shows up next summer. Now we’re just waiting to see what Walt does next on Breaking Bad!

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman