good.evil.karaoke.

THE epic first book in a single book series!

good. evil. karaoke.

JOHN SCHMIDT is a loser. 
He’s an overweight mall cop plagued with nightmares. His only joy in life comes from singing karaoke at the local dive bar.

Feeling adventurous, John goes out to a trendy Goth club to see an old friend perform – an old friend that died five years ago.

A few days later John wakes up to find the naked dead body of a missing co-worker on his kitchen floor.

Then shit gets really weird…

John soon discovers that he comes from a long line of losers cursed  to save the world from an unknown evil-an evil so absolutely terrible that it threatens to destroy the universe with its own nightmares.

Armed with absolutely nothing other than his father’s notebook and a beat up Buick, John must ultimately decide if this world is even worth saving-saving from the evil that is only known by one word…THE.

TACKETT TAKES THE READER ON A FIRST PERSON TECHNICOLOR HELL- RIDE ALONG THE BLOOD SOAKED LINE BETWEEN REALITY AND NIGHTMARE.  CRUDELY FUNNY AND STRANGELY INTROSPECTIVE,
THE WILL HAVE YOU LAUGHING, CRINGING, AND LEAVING THE LIGHT ON AT NIGHT.

THE  WILL DO for SNUGGIES WHAT JAWS DID FOR SHARKS!”

Buy your copy today at: http://ijokepubshop.weebly.com/

the nathan tackett

From Juliette: Nathan Tackett is my friend, someone who inspires me to no end and a man who can tell a story unlike just about anyone. I highly recommend you check out THE and find out for yourself. Listen to your Vampire Maman and do what she says. You’ll thank me for it later.

Standing out in the night…poetry from our youth, a true gift

Poetry is a gift we give each other and ourselves - 
no matter if we read the poetry of others or write our own.

Today I'm truly honored to share three poems 
from my friend Adelia (age 13, 9th grade)

Standing out in the night,

The tell-tale roar

And gentle, soothing light

Reflect on the

Loyal eyes of the old dog

Illuminating the landscape

Giving life to the storm

He shivers, cold while his

Tail tucks between his legs

And he howls to

Notify his master of the

Danger in the night

His master

Urges him to be quiet,

telling him to give it a

Rest, but the dog doesn’t understand

Ruff, ruff, ruff, right into the incoming Catastrophe

And he doesn’t stop ’till it hits

In the morning,

Nothing is left and

Everyone knows of the hurricane in the

Starlight

 

 

 

__________________________________

 

 

 

 

Such a rare happiness, the

Mother hugs her child after

It recovers from the

Life-threatening

Emergency

 

 

_________________________________

 

 

 

Running free,

Everything has beauty

See it in the trees, the

People, and the animals

Everything has a purpose, all

Connected for all of

Time

Over there, the

Finch builds a

Nest, expectant of new chicks

Antelope travel

Together, searching out the

Utopia of predator-free lands

Resting in the shade,

Elephants flap their ears

And people watch this all,

Not a scratch on them

Delve into the

Lives of animals

Immerse yourself,

Find your purpose

Everything has one

And you are no exception

Neither life nor

Death changes this fact

You must find your place, be it

Over the next obstacle or

Under a trial

Respect is key in

Survival

Everything knows this

Life goes on as a

Family


windstale

Poetry on a Vampire Mom blog? 
Why? Click here and I'll tell you.

There is no excuse for rudeness (even to a Vampire or Werewolf)

When a child under the age of 6 or 7 asks a rude question we can brush it off as the innocence of youth. But, when an adult asks rude questions or says rude remarks it just makes them look stupid, insensitive and just plain mean. Not to mention it makes them seem like bad parents.

Their mouths open and rude things just spew out like so much sewage. They have no idea of how them might hurt someone, and how badly it makes them look. On some levels being rude is just another way of being a bully.

I’ve been having this discussion with friends on and off about rude things people ask or say so I’ve made some lists of “What Not to Say ANYTIME”. And don’t be shocked. These are real things we’ve heard people say.

Note: For example purposes all references to a child will be LuLu or Rand. And of course I know none of my regular readers would say rude things like the examples I give below. It is just a list (I like lists. Like to make them. Like to read them.)

Things never to say to people with children:

  • Why do you only have one child? Variations include: You need to have more sex. Only one child? It’s selfish to only have one child.
  • Why don’t you have more kids? Answer: None of your f__ing business.
  • Won’t little Rand get lonely if he doesn’t have any brothers or sisters? Why no, he has a lot of friends.
  • Only children are selfish children. Not true. Go away.
  • Why do you have so many children? Answer: Go away.
  • Which is your favorite? They’re children not flavors. Go away.
  • What is wrong with LuLu? Variations: Do you get money from the state for her? Shouldn’t she be in a facility for kids like her. Yes, people who say things like that SHOULD be shot or at least slapped silly but that is illegal so just tell them “I love my child and I don’t wish to discuss her with you.”
  • Isn’t that ________________ (sport, activity, camp, club, school) expensive? I could never afford THAT. Answer: Just walk away.
  • I’d never let MY child _______________ fill in the blank. Good for you. Now go away.

Things never to say to people who don’t have kids:

  • Why don’t you have kids?
  • Can’t you have children?
  • Why don’t you want kids”
  • Isn’t that selfish?
  • Who will take care of you when you get old?
  • Well I guess if I didn’t have kids I’d be taking vacations to Europe too.
  • All of the above are rude things to say.

Things never to say to your single friends, especially those over 40.

  • Why didn’t you ever get married? Answer: None of your f____ing business.
  • I have someone I want you to meet. He but he hates cats. This is to the friend with 3 cats. The friend who has always had cats. The friend who WILL always have cats.
  • Life isn’t complete without a mate.  Really? That is both rude and wrong on so many levels.
  • I wish you’d find someone. Answer: Well so do I, so why are you rubbing it in?
  • Are you gay? Honest to God I can’t tell you how many single people I know who have been asked this question. There is nothing wrong with being gay or single. There are gay single people. Gay married people. Gay dating people. Get over it.

Things Never to say to Cat Owners:

  • I hate cats. OK this is the story. The cat is sitting in the front yard watching bugs. Then the cat goes inside and eats, Then rubs up against my leg. What is there to hate? And why do you feel compelled to say you hate MY CAT? I’m not asking you to take it home with you. Go away. You can also exchange cat with dog, horse, rabbit, parrot, fish, husband – some people are just RUDE.

Things never to say to someone on a romantic date:

  • My sister is coming with us. This usually translates to “my sister who is nuts and talks non-stop and is so weird that if you look up weird in the dictionary her photo will be there.
  • Have you ever thought of doing something about your thinning hair? Who told you this is a sure fire way to get a guy into the mood? There is nothing wrong with thinning hair on men. It is natural. It happens. Get over it.
  • You’d be perfect if you lost about 10 pounds. And you’re sleeping alone tonight Mr. Romance!
  • Anything about your ex. That includes ex wives, ex girlfriends, ex husbands, ex boyfriends, ex lovers of any kind. Don’t talk about how badly your kids are doing either. That is also a sure fire turn off.  And don’t use the excuse of being “honest”. That doesn’t fly.  It is RUDE to  do an emotional dump on someone who wanted to spend the evening with YOU and NOT everyone who has ever done you wrong.

Things Never to Say to a WORKING MOM:

  • I stay home with my kids because they need me.
  • I get to volunteer at the school 3 days a week so I’ll know what my child is doing.
  • Before you know it they’ll be grown and you’ll have missed out on everything.
  • I always go to my 10:00 work-out class when the kids are at school.
  • All of the above is just rude. Period.

Things Never to say to a Stay-At-Home Mom

  • Why don’t you have a job?
  • Don’t you get bored?
  • Don’t you wish you had your own money?
  • You don’t work so why don’t you have time to go to the gym?
  • You’ve wasted your college education.
  • All of the above is just rude. Period.

Things Never to say to a child that isn’t yours?

  • How much money does your dad make?
  • Who did your parents vote for?
  • What are your grades?
  • Do your parents spend a lot of money on ____________________?
  • It seems like there are a lot of people who try to find out financial information about people they know through the children.  And tell your kids not to answer any questions about money or other private family matters.

Things never to say to a Vampire:

  • Why aren’t you wearing black?
  • Show me your fangs?
  • Do you sleep in a coffin?
  • Aren’t you worried about eternal damnation?

Things to never say to a Werewolf?

  • Do you eat people?
  • Do you have fleas?
  • When you take a bath do you smell like a wet dog?
  • I’m allergic to dogs.

images-8

What really scares a Vampire

Aside from something harming our children…there isn’t much that scares a Vampire mom. I’m talking about that raising the hair on the back of your neck creep uncomfortable scare that gives you unreasonable chills. The kind of scare that gives you the Willies. The Heeby Jeebies. The Creeps. The kind of thing that scares the crap out of me.

As Vampires we’re on the top of the food chain so not much scares us. Not Ghosts or Zombies. Not Werewolves or Goblins. Not even Honey Boo Boo’s mother.

Sure I don’t think I could handle a grizzly bear or a grown male Bengal tiger, but I don’t run into those on my daily dog walks. They don’t invade my mind and my imagination in the sense of pure terror. They are natural creatures of the earth.

What scares me, DAMN YOU MR WELLS, is ALIENS. Yes, this Vampire is afraid of the idea of Aliens.

This has been going on since 1898 when H.G. Wells wrote War of the Worlds. Forget the recent crapola movie starring that short guy, this story is thoughtful and SCARY. Read the book or listen to the famous radio program. Anyway the story is simple. Aliens come down from Mars and try to take over Earth. It is horrifying. The very idea that a hostile alien comes from another planet it something too difficult to comprehend.

Funny thing that it came out the year after Dracula (1897) came on the scene. And it was only about 10 years after Jack the Ripper (not fiction) brought some almost fiction like terror and fascination into the public eye (not to mention my brother Val and I know who the killer really was).

Science Fiction is full of all sorts of creepy alien lore. The best thing to come out of that is the covers of old pulp magazines like Amazing Stories, Astounding Science Fiction or Science Fiction & Fantasy.

Amazing Stories Naked people oh no

February 1942 Amazing StoriesAmazing Stories ERB-Amazing stories war of the worldAmazing Stories Vol.5, No.9amazing stories guy with 2 girls

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So I love the idea of aliens. I hope ET is out there with his phone. I want Star Trek to be true. I want NASA to come back and I want to see real space exploration. I want the first contact to be like out of a hopeful Spielberg movie. I want it to be magical and good.

But part of me also loves that old-fashioned creep-out factor. Especially in movies.

 

So without more rambling here is:

Vampire Maman’s favorite “Creep Me Out” Space Alien Movies.

The descriptions are short. Google the film titles for more information. Just take my word for it. I’m not a movie reviewer because I get too excited about stuff and write too fast. And the good thing about this list is that you can see most of them with your teens. Family fun for everyone!

Signs

2002

I used to like Mel Gibson until he turned into a complete asshole and now I can’t watch his movies anymore EXCEPT this one. I’ve seen this movie about 6 times and it still gives me the creeps. Basic story line: A man and his children and his brother are trapped in a farmhouse when aliens show up and scare the shit out of everyone. Oh my gosh. This one takes the cake.

The_Signs_movie

District 9

2009

A brilliant movie about aliens from another world trapped in a refugee camp in South Africa. Not so much for the creep factor but for the “it could happen to any of us.” factor. I came away feeling sad after watching this beautifully done film.

District_nine_movie

The War of the Worlds

1953 science fiction film starring Gene Barry and Ann Robinson. It is a loose adaptation of the H. G. Wells classic novel of the same name, and the first of a number of film adaptations based on Wells’ novel. Produced by George Pal and directed by Byron Haskin from a script by Barré Lyndon, it was the first of two adaptations of Wells’ work to be filmed by Pal, and is considered to be one of the great science fiction films of the 1950s. It won an Oscar for its special effects and was later selected for inclusion in the National Film Registry of the Library of Congress. Note: This is from Wikipedia because I have only have a few minutes to write this and so I cheated.

The_War_of_the_Worlds_1953

1956 Version: Invasion of the Body Snatchers

Yes, pod people and everything. See it and be creeped out.

Invasion_of_the_body_snatchers

 

 

 

 

 

Note: I didn’t add “Aliens” because the alien bitch isn’t on earth. That is an awesome movie but it didn’t scare me. Grossed me out and made me jump but didn’t creep me out.

 

Other movies about Space or Aliens to take note of:

  • Another Earth
  • Liquid Sky
  • The Man Who Fell To Earth
  • 2001 A Space Odyssey

liquid sky

 

 

Movies that aren’t about Aliens but creep me out:

  • Shallow Grave
  • The Birds
  • The Innocents
  • The Woman in Black

The_Innocents_movie

 

 

Movies that SCARE ME MORE THAN ANYTHING. And if Space Aliens ever do have a hostile take-over all movies will be like this and our brains will DIE:

  • Forest Gump
  • Steel Magnolias
  • The Bridges of Madison County

 

So when you look into the night skyjust rememberyou are not alone.

Ladies… Make Vincent Price!

Yes, I “borrowed”  this from a Facebook page. No I didn’t draw this but I wish I had. Have fun ladies!

More on Vincent Price from Vampire Maman.

xoxoxo Juliette

Make your own sexy man!

Make your own sexy man!

Adventure in a Cup – Musings on coffee, mornings and not being normal…

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Coffee.

I know I’d promised you all romance, but I have to wake up first. I can do without a lot of things but going without coffee is difficult. My husband doesn’t drink coffee. He is a tea guy. I love tea, but this nocturnal lady needs her COFFEE when living in a world where everything happens during the DAY.

Yes, of course I could move to a larger city (or stay here) and live at night, but I have kids and they live in the modern world so I need my coffee.

So what will the day bring in that hot mug? I hope something good. On weekends I can linger (sometimes if there are no sports events or other kid events to race to) over a cup inside when it is damp, out on the deck when it is dry.

This isn’t the first post I’ve done about coffee and mornings. Some in my family would be shocked that I’ve become a morning person, watching the sunrise as the rest of my kind sleep. Oh well. Get over it.

So I guess this could be a romance or an adventure in a cup.

Adventure in a Cup

Adventure in a Cup

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My mother worries about her children taking on too many traits of the modern world. Three out of the five of us have gone almost completely diurnal – that is we spend most of our waking hours during the day. I tend to like the idea of being crepuscular but unfortunately my busy schedule doesn’t always allow it.

Diurnal= daytime,
Nocturnal=nighttime
Crepuscular= Dawntime and dusktime

Oh it would be so easy to dress in black, sleep all day, go out at night and lurk in the shadows like Vampires of old, but I have kids and a life outside of what I eat. That is…when I have coffee.

 

So it is time for all of my Vampire Mom friends to WAKE UP!

 

WAKE UP!

WAKE UP!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And be INSPIRED!

Happy Friday everyone. Have a wonderful weekend with your kids, husbands, friends off all kinds and watch out for ghosts and other unreasonable creatures!

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Be inspired!

Be inspired!