A Lunch Date With Zombies

A Lunch Date With Zombies

Fridays are usually my lunch hunt date. I switched things up this week and took Cody, my young “Vampire in Training” out with me on Monday.

Lunch dates are fun ways for Vampires to hunt right out in the open. They involve fun, flirting, a bit of seduction and just enough blood to get you going for the weekend ahead. And regular humans never even suspect. They just leave the situation feeling warm and fuzzy, a little tired, and they think they’ve, well, you know.

Cody and I had arranged to meet an old friend of mine at my office with an associate of his. They were Lobbyist for the farming industry (after all we’re in the State Capitol and in the largest agricultural state).  Mike and Melissa. I’m in public relations and do work for them from time to time.

Cody is shy by nature, a sweet likeable young man, but when it comes to hunting he is extremely shy. Most new Vampires can’t wait to get hunting, but with Cody it is more of a sweet romance, rather than just taking what one wants.

So to make a short story long, a guy in a suit shows up at the door. He looks like he’s been to hell and back then I recognize him as Mike. Behind him is Melissa, who is usually the perkiest blonde I’ve ever met, looking ashen and un-perkey.

I wonder if someone died, then realize, somebody has. They don’t smell right. They don’t look right. My stomach turns. Even Cody is picking up on something.

I step back.

“Juliette” says Mike “You have to help us.”

He puts his hand on my arm and I immediately feel it – ZOMBIES.

Funny, likable and extremely smart Mike, a sixth generation California farmer, graduate of UCD (THE Farm School) and successful advocate for the farmer is now…for all practical purposes DEAD.

And don’t give me any crap about being a Vampire. My flesh isn’t rotting and I’m not craving human brains for lunch. Plus I know where my soul is.

I’m confused. Both Mike and Melissa look good, all things considering.

Plus I thought all the Zombies had been confined to a compound in the Mojave Desert outside of Barstow.

“We’ve taken massive amounts of antibiotics to help prevent the rot and we’ve been drinking a lot of embalming fluid. That keeps the smell off and slows down the rot.” Mike told us.

The pair was driving across the Imperial Valley when they were stopped at a roadblock. Little did they know what seemed to be police were actually rogue Zombies.  Later that night they were picked up by the authorities and brought to the super secret Area Z, where Zombies are kept to be monitored and studied.

I thought of long afternoons with Mike and how sweet his blood tasted. I thought of the slow seductions and languid after glows. Now here he was, doing everything he could to keep his skin from falling off in sheets. Holy crap, this was bad.

“What do you need?” I asked.

Mike put a hand to his face, adjusting his left eye back into the socket. “I want you to turn us into Vampires.”

OK, this is where the sound effects do a screeching halt. The very idea of a Zombie is revolting but putting my lips on the flesh of a Zombie and sharing blood. Putrid rotting blood.

“Has this ever been done?” Asked Cody.

“No, or at least never that I’ve heard of.” I said. “So much could go wrong.”

“Nothing could be worse than it is already.” Melissa wailed and watched as her thumbnail fell to the floor along with the tip of her thumb.

I thought about it for a moment then spoke in secret to Cody. I had an idea. If it worked we’d be heroes. If it didn’t we’d have to kill the Zombies, no matter that they were our friends.

I took Cody into the small kitchen area of the office where we bit into our wrists and let our own Vampire blood drain into two coffee cups.

The Zombies drank and before our eyes their skin went from gray to the color of their former living flesh (peaches & cream and coffee & cream – Vampires always think of everyone in terms of food, we can’t help it).

“I won’t turn you, not yet, but see if this helps. Don’t tell a soul, or anyone without a soul. Don’t tell anyone or I will hunt you down and kill you myself. Do you understand?”

They said they understood. I thought my stomach was going to drop out and my head would explode as they left the building.

Cody was about to speak when I told him. “The same goes to you Cody. If you tell a soul I will kill you and it won’t be fast or painless.”

“Got it.” Said Cody. I thought of my favorite movie line and said to Cody. “This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

Cody smiled.  Then and there I knew he’d make a great Vampire.

I’ll keep you posted on Mike and Melissa – when and if I hear anything.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman


Note: Yes, you might have seen this post before. We can’t forget our Zombie friends. They might be falling apart but we still love them.


zombie baby and cat

Metaphysical musings and a visit from the ghost…or what creeps out a vampire part 348.

This afternoon as I drove to pick Clara up from school I passed the tattoo shop where last year a man beat his wife to death with a baseball bat. I can’t get the image of the police tape and the morgue van out of my head.

One of the two main streets in our neck of the woods is an unfortunate but interesting blend of auto repair shops, bars, an abundance of tattoo parlors, small restaurants, a newspaper, pizza places, recycle shacks, self storage, fishing supply stores and a dive rock and roll bar and of course a Wal-Mart. In the early mornings the recycle guys are out picking cans and bottles. The homeless people are waking up. The donut shops are opening. The area is semi rural still so there are a lot of places to set up a hobo camp. Most of them are mentally ill. I have no idea where they came from. Back behind it all are nice neighborhoods that don’t have anything to do with the main street, or at least pretend not to. Or we just laugh about it and call it “character.” A little WT character if you ask me. Oh well.

Someone once described this small stretch of road to me as “quaint” and “small town.” It is the next community over where the shops are nicer and the violent crime rate is higher. Go figure. 

I’m not in a “I hate people” mood today, because despite the rampant ignorance and violence and hate in most parts of the world most people here are OK. I have to admit that I’m in sort of a blah mood but not an “I hate fill-in-the-blank” mood.

My Friday lunch date had to cancel on me today. I always look forward to my Friday lunch dates, as you well know. Anyway, I settled on the owner of a metaphysical book store. We first chatted about the amazing new releases. i smiled and never uttered a word that I think it is all New Age bull shit. Then again he had no idea that one of his favorite customers is a 154 year old Vampire. Oh well. So lunch was type O+ with a hint of local marijuana that I could have done without. But the guy is a sweetheart and my go-to source when I don’t really feel like a hard core hunt. The energy is always weird for me. I feel like a creeper when I go see my crystal singing friend. He is so sweet and I’m not sharing his vibe.

But on a good note,  if he suspects anything he won’t bring out his baseball bat. I know, I know, I know that was in bad taste.

I stopped in front of the school and texted a few friends with invitations. This weekend, this long weekend, I just want to spend with my own kind. I want to get out of the heat and the blinding light of summer. I want to sleep all day.

Clara had a good week, it was low key. There were a few rants about high school both about the other kids and the teachers. We listened. She talked. Her brother took her out for hunt to make her feel better. Teens don’t always want to go out with their parents when it comes to hunts. I don’t blame them, as long as I know where they are.

Wait… excuse me for a minute…

I felt a cold blast of air and looked to see two ice blue eyes and a shock of black hair falling across the left one. He pushed his hair out of his eyes and sat across from me. One never knows when a ghost will show up.

“You know, you ought not to write such glum posts,” he said with a serious look that turned into a snarky smile.

I sat up and rolled my shoulders. “It has been a long day Nigel and I’m not sure I’m even going to post this.”

“You know, Juliette, Vampire, sometimes I feel as if I am centuries older than you are.”

I am exactly a century older than the ghost.

“Do you need something Nigel?” I caught his eyes in mine, but without the effect I have on Regular Humans.

“I’m a ghost. i don’t need anything. But you need sleep and a maybe a vacation. Or… What did you do for lunch today? You’re always happy after your Friday lunch dates.”

I told him out the metaphysical guy and the scent of sandalwood candles and pot and wind chimes and some sort of weird wooden flute music playing in the background. I told him how it made me want to crawl out of my skin into the darkest place I could find.

He laughed.

I had to smile. “Some things dear ghost are even weird for a Vampire.”

We sat looking each other in the eye with some unspoken language between those who live in the shadows. Then I had an idea.

“Nigel,” I said, “Halloween will be here soon, help me with ideas.”

” I’ll come as a dead guy.” Then he laughed and vanished into thin wisp of cold smoke as blue as his eyes.


Have a good long weekend everyone,

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman






I thought you were lunch

“You thought I was sexy before you knew I was a Werewolf.”

“I thought you were lunch.”

“But we’re still friends, right?”




Conversations with my friend Adam the Werewolf.


~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman


Don't cross a Werewolf.

Random thoughts on Biology, Parenting, Lunch, Vampires and Guys I Used to Know…

Fridays are usually my “lunch date” days…that is the one day of the week this busy working mom can meet with her usual donors. Yes, for those of you who are new here, this is about Vampires. And for all of you busy Vampires, especially parents or other caretakers, you know exactly what I’m talking about. I don’t lurk out into the night and crawl through bedroom windows. Yuck. I meet with people for a civilized exchange. They don’t know I’m a Vampire but everyone goes away happy. It’s a win win for everyone concerned.

That said, this past Friday EVERYONE needed something. I swear I was about to scream. My husband, my daughter, a client, the elders, and my son. Garrett, a high school senior, needed some papers dropped off for a science internship he is going to participate in over the Spring Break and maybe this summer (depending on where he is accepted into college). It is a great opportunity BUT he had another event going on and needed someone (me) to drop off his paperwork.

I called the professor in charge who teaches at the fine state university in our town. He was home and asked if I could just drop the papers off at his house. Fine by me. I’d avoid the confusing parking at the college.

As I drove down to the East Sacramento neighborhood Dr. Morgan (the professor) lived in I had to pass the cemetery where Nigel the ghost is buried. I still haven’t stopped there or found out his last name. I feel my pushing invaded his privacy. I’ve learned that despite how much I dislike ghosts in general that I have to respect them. It isn’t easy being a ghost. Anyway, I could feel chilled to the bone as I drove by the graves and could feel some lingering presence of misplaced souls who had found themselves trapped on Earth. The cemetery (which I will not name today) is a beautiful place, but not someplace I’d want to spend forever in.

Dr. Gerard Morgan lived in a charming 1920’s brick cottage so prized in this area of town. A lemon tree full of fruit was in the front yard. Primroses bloomed up the walk way. The rounded front door held a wreath of bay leaves. A nice touch for a single man living alone. But hey, just because a guy is single doesn’t mean he has to live like an uncomfortable slob.

The door was answered by a pleasant looking middle aged man with striking brown eyes. You know those beautiful deep eyes that bring on both wonder and envy (as in I wish my eyes were that pretty.) He showed me in and we went over the papers in a home office. I glanced at impressive diplomas on the wall.

The house was comfortable in an arts and crafts sort of style mixed with a good heap of modern. Sort of like my house. Then again, it is a popular style around these parts. Gerard asked me if I’d like to stay for a cup of tea. Sure, why not. I like tea. No sugar. Yes, lemon would be lovely.

We talked about our citrus trees and then about the science program he ran for high school seniors. Then he said something quite unexpected.

He said “I teach biological science, including cellular biology, but…” he paused then started up again, “I understand you know something about Vampires and local lore.”

“And ghost lore as well. I’m a history buff, you know, just for fun. Especially the weird stuff.”

“Tell me about the Vampire lore around here.” He looked so intense.

So I told him a standard story. “There is said to be a large population of Vampires in this area. They came in during the gold rush era. Many of them eventually settled in San Francisco and Sacramento. They still are supposed to have family in the area. Many missing persons are supposed to have become Vampires. It isn’t exactly exciting or full of blood lust, but that’s what I know.”

“Do you believe Vampires are real?”

I couldn’t believe he asked me that. I mean, that is so rare. He looked me straight in the eye.

“What a silly question Gerard,” I told him.

“You’re a Vampire aren’t you? I’ve never met someone who claims to be a Vampire but there are letters, family letters that lead me to you. When I received news that your son wanted to apply to the program I was curious to meet you.”

“Letters?” This could be either good or bad.

“Old letters that mentioned someone named Juliette.”

I didn’t respond. I hate it when they call me on this.

“Tell me about Vampires Juliette. I’m a scientist. I’m curious about people who claim to be Vampires.”

I sat back a little straighter and put my hands in my lap. “Alright, I will tell you about people who claim to be Vampires. There are so-called Sanguinarian Vampires, those Regular Humans who drink blood. They say, they actually believe, it is required for their health, both mentally and physically. And of course they have their donors who give them blood. But they’re quite human. Just like eating biscuits and gravy doesn’t make you Southern anymore than eating Kosher makes you Jewish. Drinking blood does not make one a Vampire. They’re nuts, but that said, if they want to drink blood then whatever. Let your freak flag, but still…oh well.

Then there are so-called Psychic Vampires, who in my book are just bad friends. They believe that they need to suck on your aura or psychic energy. I’m sure you’ve dated women like that. I hope not, but the odds are pretty good.

That said, there is an entire population of people who are not like you. Not physically or mentally like you at all. Rather sort of a sub species, but then again, not exactly. Call it a mutation of a sorts. That is where I come in, as well as others who aren’t Vampires but not exactly what YOU would call normal. We’re genetically different. Some are born that way and some are genetically modified along the way. I can’t give you the scientific explanation but it is what it is.

Anyway, people fear what is different and what they don’t understand. They tend to find a group to put that fear on, which leads to killings and genocide and all sorts of tragic social and moral disorders.

On the other hand, Vampires, real Vampires are on the top of the food chain, above you, so I can understand that natural fear. It is healthy to fear someone who could easily kill you and consume your blood.

But I see it as more of a symbiotic relationship. We all get something we need from the transaction. Wouldn’t you agree Dr. Morgan?”

He stood up and went across the room and closed the curtains. I didn’t ask why. I followed him across the room. He stopped and looked me right in the eye. There was almost an electrical charge between us.

I stepped closer. He’d been quiet and listened to everything I said. He thought I was crazy yet he was feeling a strange attraction to me. That was a good thing. Especially since I’d skipped my Friday lunch and was starting to feel a bit light headed.

I spoke quietly to him. “Your heart rate just jumped up, just by the simple fact that I came a little closer to you.” I took another step and took his hands.

“You’re so cold.” He was a little frightened  I could tell but didn’t let go.

“Yes, I am. Feel for a pulse.”

“I can’t find it.”

“My heart beats extremely slow. Don’t ask me to explain how it all works. There did you feel that slight beat? Never faster than 20 beats per minute. Usually much slower. In fact I can stop my heart and restart it if I want to, or if I’m extremely frightened or stressed.”

Then I brushed my lips against his. “I’m extremely cold compared to you. Your heart rate just jumped again. Both fear and excitement. The strangeness of it all. And admit it, the beauty of it.”

I showed my fangs and gave a little purr. He almost jumped out of his skin.

“Relax, I’m not going to hurt you,” I told him gently.

He looked at my mouth. “Those are real.”

“Yes. Real as your teeth.”

“How old are you?”

“Ninety nine years older than you are.”

“Was that a lucky guess or can you tell…”

I smiled. “The diploma on your wall, I did the math… lucky guess because you look younger than your actual 55 years.”

“You’re 154.”

“Fairly young for a Vampire. I don’t age. I rarely get sick. You wouldn’t believe how fast I heal if hurt.” I moved closer my body barely touching his. He was maybe five six or seven but by no means what I’d consider short. Getting to his neck would be easy but I didn’t want to be quite so intimate this time.  “Give me your wrist. Come on.” I locked my eyes on his. He was mine. Child’s play for a Vampire but I never felt guilty about it.

Gently pushing him against the wall for support I took his wrist and sank my fangs into it.

Due to his past history, excellent physical condition, disposition and blood type I thought he’d be an excellent candidate for becoming a Vampire. But that is a risky proposition and something I’d save for another time.

Suddenly on the tip of my tongue and in the back of my mind there was something familiar. It was in his face as well. I did know him or at least someone connected to him.

Gently kissing his wrist to make sure there would be no fang marks left I looked in his face. Yes, it was there under those deep brown eyes and dark lashes.

“You’re William Morgan’s great grand son,” I said. “You look just like him. I should have known.”

“Wait, you knew my great grandfather? He and his best friend died in a boating accident…”

“Not at all. William and his friend Albert and living in Seattle. They’re Vampires.”

Another shock to his system, but by that time he was feeling the euphoric high of one just bitten by a Vampire (at least by me, I always try to make a good experience that will leave them warm and toasty for at least a week.)

I went on to explain that Billy and Al were in Seattle with a band and a graphic design business. Al was living with one of my mom’s friends. Sometimes Al would still wear a top hat just for kicks and grins. Small world.

Out of a drawer in a hutch he pulled a tintype of two men. Billy was in the light suit and Al was wearing his signature top hat – even back then.

On a hot summer night at a lavish party at a mansion by the river, Billy discovered his wife was having an affair with another man. Things had not been right at home for a while, but he figured it was the pressure of having two small children and his busy career. She had given her body and her heart to a wealthy banker. Upset over this discovery Billy took off down to the river’s edge where he and his friend Al found a conoe. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but Billy was upset, stood up in the boat and capsized it. The men both went into the fast water and perished.

Yes indeed, they did die, but not for long. About two miles down the river lived, in another lavish river side residence lived two ancient Vampires. They were also having a party that night. The Vampires found the men and rescued them from death, in a way. They turned them into Vampires. I know this because I was there that night.

Gerard Morgan looked at me in wonder. “Could I meet him? My great grandfather?”

“I’ll ask him,” I said, knowing the answer might very well be yes. “I only ask that you tell no one what we discussed today or that I am a Vampire. That goes for my son as well. Plus, you know if you tell anyone they’ll think you’re crazy.”

So I won’t go into what we discussed for the rest of the afternoon, only that it turned out to be a positive thing for all parties involved.

And will Professor Morgan, who is twice divorced with no children, become a Vampire? I don’t know. Time will tell.

Have a good weekend everyone and be careful out there on the water.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

dapper dandies_vm

Thank me later for not hawking stuff but TODAY is FREE DAY.

Dragons and Dreams

Dragons and Dreams


I know I don’t usually hawk books and the like BUT this is FREE TODAY – August 16.

Go to Amazon.com for your FREE copy of Dragons and Dreams! Do it for me. Do it for yourself. Do it for the kids (but don’t let them read it, this isn’t a kids book.)



Friday the 31st – Kiss a Black Cat (and cocktails)

Black kitty catToday is Friday the 31st.

That is 13 backwards.

So in Vampire culture that means you will get thirteen times the good luck and none of the bad.

So go kiss a black cat and make sure you have enough limes for cocktails tonight.

Note: If you don’t have a black cat any cat will do. Also don’t forget to kiss the Vampire.

NEVER forget to kiss the Vampire!



Vampire Head Rush

  • 2 oz Bourbon
  • 12 oz Dark Beer (Teddy Suggests something like Downtown Brown)
  • 2 oz Blood
  • Pour all in a tall glass over ice.

Clara calls it a head rush because she says it looks like something out of a toilet. Middle School humor.

Oh well. 

If you aren’t a vampire leave out the blood.


Werewolf on the Rocks

  • 3 oz Bourbon
  • Splash of dry Vermouth
  • Splash of Orange Juice
  • A twist of lemon peel
  • Pour over frozen blood balls (ice cubes made from blood poured and frozen in cute little shapes)

If you aren’t a vampire make ice cubes out of orange or cranberry juice (yum).


Vampire Iced Tea

  • 1 gallon water
  • 12-15 tea bags – any flavor you want. We like a nice strong black tea with a touch of fruit in it. Lady Earl Gray works well. Put tea bags and water in a jar. Put it outside in the sun for about 2-3 hours to brew. Don’t put it on the grass – it won’t get hot enough. A drive way or deck works best.
  • 1 jar (32 oz) of unsweetened Cranberry Juice (we like Trader Joes)
  • 12 oz blood
  • Artificial sweetener of your choice to taste (remember dear human visitors that we don’t handle sugar well)
  • Mix it all up and pour over ice with a sprig of mint and a sprig of rosemary.
  • Adults – add a large slosh of Vodka or Bourbon to the mix for some extra punch to this punch!

If you aren’t a vampire replace the blood with more cranberry juice, orange juice or more vodka.


Vampire Nuts

Kids and adults like this mix. If teen boys are around I usually triple the recipe.

  • 1½ cup hazelnuts (roasted)
  • ½ cup pumpkin seeds (roasted)
  • 1 cup whole cashews (roasted)
  • 1/2 cup walnuts halves or pieces (roasted)
  • 2 tablespoons finely chopped fresh sage
  • 1 tablespoon finely chopped fresh thyme leaves
  • 1 tablespoon finely chopped fresh rosemary leaves
  • 2 tablespoons Grade A maple syrup
  • ¾ teaspoon cayenne pepper
  • 1 teaspoon sea salt
  • ½ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
  • 2 tsp powered blood (optional – be I recommend – it adds a bit of bite to the nuts)

1. Preheat the oven to 400°. In a medium bowl, combine the hazelnuts, pumpkin seeds, cashews, sage, thyme, maple syrup, cayenne pepper, sea salt and black pepper. Spread the mixture on a baking sheet or stone (I like using my stone) and place in the oven. Bake, stirring occasionally, until browned and fragrant, about 15 minutes.

2. Remove from the oven and set aside to cool slightly. Serve warm or at room temperature.

If you aren’t a vampire leave out the powdered blood.


And the perfect cocktail to go with those nuts is…

Nocturnal Summer Cooler

  • 6 limes
  • 1 cup packed mint leaves, no stems, plus 6 sprigs for garnish
  • 3 unwaxed cucumbers
  • ½ cup sugar
  • 2 cups gin (we like the kind in the green bottle)
  • 1 cup purified blood
  • Sparkling water

1. Thinly slice 3 limes and place in a pitcher. Juice the rest and add juice to pitcher. Add mint leaves. Slice 2 cucumbers and add, then add sugar. Stir. Add gin. Place in refrigerator  30 minutes or longer.

2. Peel remaining cucumber and cut lengthwise into 6 spears.

3. Fill 6 highball or other large glasses with ice. Strain mixture from pitcher into each. Top with a splash of sparkling water, garnish each glass with a sprig of mint and a cucumber spear, and serve. You can also garnish with a sprig of rosemary for a more savory taste.

If you aren’t a vampire replace the blood with your favorite juice (we like cranberry or blueberry)

And as always, don’t drink and drive!