AGT and bottled beer – It isn’t Penny Dreadful but we can watch it with the kids.

TV Reviews and My Own Bad Writing Because I’m Moving FAST Here Folks.

We had the usual peanut gallery of Vampires over to watch ATG Wednesday night. They’re still in the try out stage and it looks like a fun summer season is ahead of us with some really great talent. Below are a few of the acts and comments from the gallery.

Almost as fun as Penny Dreadful without the one big gratuitous sex scene and the one big fuckwood scene, excuse me Deadwood inspired scene where a multitude of f-bombs are dropped for no good reason except to make you say “What the Fuck?”

Penny Dreadful is wonderful and campy and silly. The husband can’t keep up with it. We lived throughout this the first time these stories were out – but there are so many characters and he never read much fantasy. My husband figures he is already a Vampire so why read about it much less watch TV about it. But I love it. I love Vanessa’s dresses. I love the Gothic feel. I love the creature. It is so much fun. Of course you gotta love Dorian Gray even with the random WTF moment when he was kissed by the American. Alright, I have to admit, I’d kiss either one of those guys, or at least bite their necks. Anyway… back to family entertainment.

The Revolutionary War program Turn turned sour for use early on. We had such high hopes but the historic inaccuracies, plot weakness and overall confusion and sheer boredom factors caused us to discontinue watching it.

Then there was Ripper Street. What happened there? It could have been really good but there again the characters were bogged down by silly writing and the show sort of vanished. Copper was fun too and pretty campy. It keeps my Irish friends laughing (not because it is accurate either.)

Nothing could have been worse than last season’s Dracula. That was so bad on so many levels.

Why on most historic television programs (I’m not talking about anything on PBS so don’t even comment on it) – why on most historic television programs, especially those taking place before 1920 are the women’s clothing and makeup so inaccurate?

In the early days of TV Miss Kitty and all of Little Joe’s girlfriends looked just like they’d come out of a 1960’s beauty salon complete with 1960’s bras. So many costume designers forget the importance of the silhouette. Things haven’t gotten much better.

So maybe that is why we like things like River Monsters and Life Below Zero and America’s Got Talent. Everybody loves big fish with giant teeth and a guy with a British accent. We all like rugged individuals living in Alaska. And we all like talent and variety. And we don’t have to worry about costumes or historic details.

Now what you’ve all been waiting for… Here is our rundown for America’s Got Talent for Wednesday, June 4, 2014.

We missed the beginning but came in just as two really good-looking young men were causing Howie to not be able to read. It was a fun sort of magic type trip.

Julie age 15. Amazing young singer. She was so cute and has such a lovely and mature voice. Go Julie. Comments from the peanut gallery were: Wow, sign her up now. All these skanks on the radio can’t hit a not at all and listen to this girl. Girlfriend’s good.

Tap Dancers – two cute guys in caps. These two guys (age 17 and 18) were exceptionally cute and could go a long way with some practice. Stay tuned.

Motorcycle stunt guys always make me want to go get another beer. I’m just not that into it. Let me see you jump over the Grand Canyon or over the Washington Monument or something.

There were jump ropers. Next please.

There were pogo stick jumpers. Now that was fun, but not a million dollar act.

And then there were the cutest 8 year old triplets I have every seen. Oh my goodness. Look them up on YouTube. One threw cards while the others assisted. I don’t care what these kids do; they got the prize for being the cutest things ever.

A young singer named Miguel was cute and could sing. We’ll see him back.

There was a pair of Salsa Dancers. That was two guys dancing together. They were good. One was from Sacramento. Go guys go!

Some chick did acrobatics while pretending to swim away from sharks on a screen background. She said it was her imagination going wild. OK. Good for you. That was nice but really annoying and a little too sweet for me. Sort of like a Starburst candy with 5 times the sugar.

Rather than cocktails we were drinking Blue Moon White Belgian-Style Wheat Ale. Mmmmmm. Good stuff. Yes, Vampires drink beer, but only cold beer and only good beer.


Have fun and don’t watch to much Tee Vee!

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman




Rude, Crude and Socially Unacceptable – Old Fashioned Family Fun

Good news, I’m taking my kids to see the band All Time Low tomorrow night. Am I the cool mom or what. It will be a lot of fun and I’ll write a full review and maybe even post photos live from the show. And in May we’re going to see (for the second time) Twenty One Pilots.

In the meantime….

Rude, Crude and Socially Unacceptable – Old Fashioned Family Fun

For all I write on parenting…and this is a parenting blog (or at least it used to be)…

Some people might think my husband and I are bad examples for our kids after they read this. You may stop now if you want. There are a lot of other great posts on this blog that will make you smile and are in good taste. There are even Vampire posts and some great short stories… Check it out. Or go on reading this… I guess.

We’ve been talking about “Not Quite Reality TV.”

On Tuesdays we all curl up on the couch together and watch Ink Masters. Someone commented on that yesterday. Hey, it teaches art appreciation, how to be a good or bad competitor, grace under fire and the importance of learning your craft no matter what you do. Plus Dave Navarro is smoking hot. Chris Nunez is super smart and we’ve learned a lot from him about tattoo standards. And Oliver Peck is darling. Chris and Oliver are amazing artists as well – two of the best. And it is just an old fashioned freak show. We’re waiting for the next show when Kyle goes off on Chris. Smack the crap out of him Chris! Stop being a whoosie ass baby Kyle! Find your man card and grow a pair.

My daughter is addicted to Bar Rescue. I have no words or explanation on that one.

Antiques Roadshow is ok because my husband is in the business, we’ve been to Antiques Roadshow AND it is on PBS (and he knows a lot of the dealers).

My son tells everyone he never watches television but I know he watches Sherlock on Netflix and Skins (which is not about weasel trappers.)

When the kids both turn 18 they want to be on The Amazing Race. I think they’d win, or at least be the most entertaining people ever on the show. Even more amazing is the fact that they don’t even watch the show.

Tonight we discussed game shows and new shows in general we might produce.

Wheel of Torture. If you don’t get any of the words right you get the thumb screws, whacked with a cattle prod, bitten by dogs…or forced to watch reruns of Jersey Shore.

Are You The One – Family Style. 10 girls and 10 guys get together to find their perfect match. The hitch is that two of them are brother and sister but none of them know WHO is related. Yes, that is super sick, but it keeps them all out of the BOOM BOOM room. Yes, this was really bad but I won’t even start to tell you some of the really bad shows we came up with.

Werewolves on Ice. Ice skating show featuring Werewolves. Think about it. THAT wold be funny (at the expense of our furry friends.)

Junk Yard Wars – Naked Edition. A team of girls try to guess, you guessed it, what guy that junk belongs to.

Than again most of the stuff on Cable TV is pretty scary and weird and in really really really bad taste. We couldn’t make it up.

My Strange Addiction features people who want to be living dolls, people who eat eye makeup, eat beds, get humongous boobs, eat other people’s toe nails, collect rat skulls… the list goes on. It is the most disgusting thing on TV.

There is even a show about women who don’t know they’re pregnant. Excuse me? If you’re pregnant you know it.

Then there are all of the Southern Hillbilly shows. Swamp people, Swamp Girls, Fish Giggers, Pregnant and Stupid, Pregnant and Knocked Up, Pregnant and Stinky, Deadly Dogs, Pawn Punks and Duck Danglers… it goes on and on and on. I know a lot of Southerners but none of them are like these yahoos. And don’t forget Honey Boo Boo. My brain is going to rot out of my head even knowing that these things exist.

Forget Horror Movies, just turn on your TV.

I know this has been a stupid post but…

Oh come on, I wish I’d recorded our conversation because it was really really funny. We laughed so hard. Maybe next time.

And it all goes to show that a family that laughs together and does stupid silly things together stays together. If you have kids enjoy them. Laugh with them. And when they ask you to lighten up – do it. And you know, you can teach your kids the difference between good taste and bad taste – and have fun doing it.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman


If this Vampire wants to tattoo your image on his'll have to check out his entire body first.

If this Vampire wants to tattoo your image on his arm…you’ll have to check out his entire body first.

Vampire Maman (look I drew something, a tattoo, now leave me alone)

Vampire Maman (look I drew something, a tattoo, now leave me alone)


Vampire Maman Bonus Post: 2-Second TV Reviews

2-Second TV reviews

Don’t tell me that you don’t watch TV because I know you do. I know you aren’t reading literary books and discussing Eastern Philosophy and organic farming techniques every single night. And I can say that because I like history and opera and I’ve read War and Peace. I don’t watch TV 24/7, but sometimes one just has to chill out and take a break.

This is just a small and unscientific sampling of things I’ve seen this season. Feel free to add your own 2-Second reviews in the comment section for shows I failed to mention.



You’d think anyone that violent with that much artistic talent would be having a whole lot of fun. These guys are no fun at all.


A lot of fun. All the young girls like it for obvious reasons. Very British. Sometimes it drags a little.



A fun and smart take on Sherlock Holmes, with a female Watson. They saved the show by not having the two main characters jump into bed. Witty writing.



We love this show. We love the characters. Grimm Rocks! That’s it.

Dracula and Hostages

Just shoot me now and poke my eyes out with a stick. Both had potential but ended up being just stupid with a lot of bad plot lines, melodramatic acting and general confusion. Plus exceptionally bad costumes in Dracula. Don’t bother.


Only Las Vegas is on now. What is up with all the caked on makeup on the women this year? Come on gals this isn’t Cathouse. Still silly and fun to watch with a cocktail.

Drive-in, Diners and Dives:

Food Pornography. We need a Vampire version of this show.

Almost Human


This was almost good enough to capture my attention but then turned into just another bromance cop show. I hope it gets better (let me know and I’ll give it another try.)

Downton Abby

I’ve never watched this show. I don’t know why. For the longest time I thought it was Downtown Abby.

Are you the one (MTV)


A bunch of unsuccessful daters are put together, each with a perfect match. They each get $50,000 if they find their match. This is a group effort. This is a train wreck that we can’t stop watching. We’re so pathetic.


We saw the first one. We all thought about people coming back but didn’t say much to each other about it. It is an old story. This one was done quite well. We’ll keep watching it.

Bate’s Hotel

I’ve never seen it but the kids say it is exceptionally creepy.


Read the books. You’ll thank me for it later.


Good production value… BUT these characters are sooooooo annoying. Too politically correct. Not good parents at all. Makes me want to scream – so I don’t watch it. My husband watches it when I’m not around.

Ripper Street

Not as good this season or as campy. Hmmmm. Somewhat confusing. Adding the Elephant Man was an unfortunate plot twist.

Naked and Afraid

We saw this once. The guy was an antisocial dick. The woman was sweet and deserved a better partner. The kids want to watch the new season and that makes me feel naked and afraid. Uh no, I think you have homework to do.

Modern Family

Brilliant and always funny. The smartest show on TV.

Parks and Rec

I didn’t think I’d like this one but find myself laughing every time.

Person of Interest

No weak female characters in this show. Woo Hoo. Am I sick and twisted because I’m starting to like Root?

Big Bang Theory

Too many sex jokes. I think it is running out of steam. Why do guys with such well paying jobs live in such a dump?

Ink Master

Always fun and a little weird. Dave Navarro is still smoking hot but needs to grow his hair out. Nobody is that good this year. Run human canvas run!

Hawaii Five-O

This show is so campy. It was sort of fun in a really stupid way (good drinking game material) until Steve’s girlfriend quit the Navy and became just another bimbo TV cop. She was smarter and sexier in uniform. Blah.


This season isn’t quite as wonderful as past seasons. I still enjoy the wonderful accents and plot twists, but I expected more this year. Maybe it will happen. I hope so.

Pawn Stars

I’ve seen things that I own on this program. Nothing is rare. Nothing is valuable unless two people want it bad enough.

Duck Dynasty

I don’t get the attraction. I don’t get it at all.


Watch the New York show. The San Francisco show is too contrived and the people on it look like they’re wearing contrived Halloween costumes – not genuinely weird or original.

Too Cute


Nothing but puppies and kittens. No kidding. Feeling down? Watch this show. Feeling good? Watch this show. Warning – it is toxic cute.

Montessori Mafia

Doves with razor blades. No such show – my kids told me that one. Based on years of Montessori schooling. HAHAHAHAHAH.


~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

And have a happy pi day!

AGT, Cocktails, Shadow Creepers and comments from the peanut gallery.

America's Got Talent and Cocktails

America’s Got Talent and Cocktails

For the past several summers we’ve been watching America’s Got Talent in the summer. I’m not saying it is a great show or anything like that BUT it is a way we all come together and get to yell at the TV and laugh and boo and get silly. We like Nick’s awful suits. We like Howard and put up with Howie. And we like Heidi and Mel because they are so cute and they are moms, but sometimes they can be really stupid and put on the sensitive mom thing a little too thick, but I do like them. OK that said…that is what we do during the summer.

If you don’t follow the show feel free to opt out of this blog post and go read something else (I can make a few recommendations.)

And for those of you who are new here, we’re a Modern Vampire family (read the other blog posts if you need to catch up).

Anyway, Teddy (my handsome Vampire husband) has decided to make Bloody Marys with Tanqueray rather than Vodka. We also had a nice local Zinfandel. Anyway, that is the cocktail portion of tonight’s AGT and Cocktails blog post.

Don't wear these pants. Not ever.

Don’t wear these pants. Not ever.

Tonight we have a full house because Matthew, my old fashioned Vampire friend (a Shadow Creeper) is here learning how to be a Modern Vampire. His son Josh (soon to be 17) is upstairs right now with my 17 year old Garrett and his gang of friend Randy, Zoe, Chloe and of course Ione. They’re all typical Vampire teens and showing Josh the ropes so to speak. Josh has a dad who is still stuck in the dark and dank world of 19th Century Vampires, while Josh is trying to be a Modern Vampire. That is why Matthew called me to help – because that is what I do – help old moldy Vampires become Modern Vampires.

You should have seen Matthew today when we went to the high school to get the text books and student I.D. cards. Talk about out of place. I mean, imagine Dracula at your neighborhood high school full of over worked parents and excited teens. More on that later.

So we’re all here having cocktails and confusing Matthew to no end, but he seems to be getting a little looser. We have him in some jeans and an Oxford shirt with the sleeves rolled up. Not bad. I mean, if he gets rid of the creepy Vampire stuff he is a nice looking guy that would turn most female heads. Can he be a charmer like most of the male Vampires in my life…I can’t say. OK I seriously doubt it but I’m not giving up hope.

We’re all piled on the couches and watching now. Turn up the volume Teddy.

So on with the show… America’s Got Talent August 13, 2013

Comments from the peanut gallery (warning, everyone was pretty rude):

What the Hell did he do? He did nothing.

What’s he going to do? Stick a torch up his ass and belch out flames?

This is awful.

She wasn’t even singing. It was one tone.

The 16 year old guy is really cute. The others will be really cute too, except the little guy. He’ll just grow up to be goofy looking.

Would you pay to watch that?

How many kids? They do need birth control. Where do they have sex? I mean, their kids would hear everything. This is like a really bad skate show.

They have sex in their car.

Oh mom.

Are they part of that birther movement or whatever it is called where the women have as many kids as they can and the girls don’t go to college? That is disgusting.

They confuse this with singing. She is not on key at all.

Why is she squishing up her face like that? I’ve seen enough.

Come on out Cher and bitch slap her. Just smack her. That would be awesome.

Ar Ar Ar (seal sounds)

Really? Come on Howard.

More yelling.

Are Nick’s pants too short?

We need a Prince Poppycock again.

Oh God, not him again.

Are you kidding?

This is like something they’d do on Smothers Brothers as a filler.

No the Gong Show.

What I thought they’d already been on for 90 seconds.

It just seems like forever.

An older ugly woman. Freddy Cougar. That will have me laughing all week.

Don’t you think the word moist sounds nasty?

Synthetic ice. Who cares?

People were doing stuff exactly like this at the skate meet but it was a lot more impressive. Even the ice show stuff is better than this. I’ve seen a lot better on roller skating.

It has been done before. It is nothing original. I want to see some sort of jump or spin.

(Did I mention most of the kids here tonight skate?)

If these people were judged by real skating judges they’d never go through.

Is it over?

Oh shit.

It is like skating on a crappy ice rink.

Oh that guy. He juggles his balls.

Doesn’t that hurt?

Is it over?

I don’t know.

Oh wow, Bryan Adams. He’s owning this song.

I love his voice.

Finally someone good. 

The first group, the kids band, the comedian and Jimmy Rose.

Oh she’s a stupid bitch. He was great.

So who did we vote for? Well that was easy considering only three (almost 4) of the acts were even passable according to the 13 of us who are here tonight.

  • 3 Penny Chorus and Orchestra
  • Taylor Williamson
  • Jimmy Rose
  • The Robotix (because we had to pick a 4th and we liked these nice teens but the young lady could be stronger)

Matthew was rather confused at times and overwhelmed by our behavior. Josh was laughing and having a lot of fun. And we all enjoyed Chloe’s high-pitched raspy laugh that makes anyone laugh along.

So folks until tomorrow night when we get results… check out the acts (if you missed it) on YouTube or (no I’m not paid to advertise, but if they want to pay me I’ll cash the check,)

“I hope we haven’t scarred Matthew and driven him back to his crypt.” Teddy said that with a sly smile.

“No, he’ll be fine. Just a little culture shock, or lack of culture, whatever the case.”

 ~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

I have enough talent for you baby

I have enough talent for you baby