AGT with Vampires and Drinks and Amazing Things (Eclipse Edition)

Every summer since 2012 I’ve been blogging about the TV talent show America’s Got Talent (or AGT.) It started out as a cheap trick to get people to read my blog. It is still a cheap trick to get people to read my blog – especially since I add in booze.

I was up in Oregon earlier this week to see the TOTAL ECLIPSE so I did not see the show live, or at least not on the night it was aired. I didn’t get to vote. I didn’t even drink.

However, when I returned home yesterday I watched it with my husband Teddy and college student daughter Clara.

Here are our thoughts and the results.

Tyra Banks was wearing some sort of weird jumpsuit in a loud black and white print. She is a beautiful woman but this just made her look like a circus freak. But hey, whatever floats your boat or whatever.

Here are the acts:

Boy Dancers.

I don’t remember their name. We stopped watching the dancers and noticed how weird Mel B’s hair color was. It was a dusty gray, like dryer lint. Not a good look.

Celine Tam (singing child)

She is darling but her parents are exploiting her. She is so polished. Every single hand movement, facial expression, comment is studied and planned. She did sound like a child this week but the 90’s songs are getting old. Her parents take her to a lot of other big talent shows like this in other countries. She is their cash cow. That makes me sad because she is precious and super talented. I know we are jaded but I bet she has no friends, no sleep overs, no public school, no other activities. I hope I’m wrong. Teddy said she is really 47.

Scary Twins (Mirror Image)

Remember when you were in school and there were those annoying kids who were always “ON” 24/7. They were talented and wanted EVERYONE to know it. Well here they are as an act called Mirror Image. They are two boys who dance and sing in a way that only Donnie and Marie fans on Meth would appreciate. During their act we discussed how Simon’s shirts never fit him. He is a nice looking guy and rich. There is no reason for him to dress in ill fitting clothes. Heidi looked lovely.

Clara said with twins there is always a dominant twin. She said “I would like to think that I would have been the dominant twin.” Ain’t that the truth.

Johnny Manuel

Sweet kid. Good looking. But here are the notes from the peanut gallery…

He is awful. Why’d he pick this song? He is doing it slow cause he can’t sing. Doesn’t sound like he is singing that song. He’s not. No this isn’t even… he’s just doing the same notes over and over and over. The judges will love him.

And they did love him. The sweet kid made it through. I hope he can find a better song next time.

Dancing Robot Kid Merreck Hannah

Comments from the peanut gallery: He looks like that weird creep kid everybody has in class. You just want to tell him to sit down and shut up.

Nobody here was inspired.

The Masquerades

Three old guys who sing like angels. They sang together in the 60’s. They had a record deal at one time. They came back. They were darling.

Light Balance

Just another group of guys dressed up with lights. Ho hum. This kind of act has been overdone. Thank goodness nobody is doing one of those awful shadow acts this year.

Evie Claire

I love this young lady (age 13). She had tragedy in her life, but she brings joy and hope through her voice. She won’t win but she gets my vote. She is lovely.

Danger Guy – Escape Artist

Clara likes him. I don’t remember his name and it isn’t in my notes. I’m not a fan. His girlfriend sits on the sidelines and cries. It is all so fake.

Magic Guy Eric Jones

I like him well enough. He did illusions with cards and glass. Yep, stuff went right through glass. You can’t help but like this guy. His illusions are fun. But he is slow. We lost interest right away. Teddy mentioned if he could pull cards out of Howie’s ass that would be great, but then Clara reminded her dad that someone had already done that a few years ago.

Dogs – The Pompeyo Family

We love dog acts. This time it was cute. The dog danced to Katy Perry singing Roar. The dogs were dressed up like African animals. It was kind of a mess. Cute but a mess.

Mandy Harvey

This beautiful talented young woman could be our winner. Mandy Harvey was a talented young singer and song writer when at the age 18 she lost her hearing. Her father encouraged her to get back into her music. Now in her mid 20’s she is amazing. She still sings, writes her own music, and plays her own instruments. And she is GOOD. She is beautiful – her face, her voice, her personality. This is not a sympathy call because she is deaf. She is THAT GOOD. It was powerful.

So who won and is going on to the next show?

Mandy Harvey

Light Balance (we are tired of light shows and didn’t even watch them)

Johnny Manuel

Celiene Tam

Robot Boy

Evie Claire

Eric Jones

 

Now for the Cocktails.

We didn’t have any. I had some Rogue River Beer in the fridge but we skipped it tonight. We’ll have it tonight. I’ll let you know how it was.

So until next time… have fun.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

Summer TV Update (with Vampires, guilty pleasures, cooking, movies, AGT, and more)

Fall is just around the corner. I know that because I am painfully aware that books for the fall quarter for two college aged kids will run around $1,600 – $2,000, maybe a little less if they are lucky enough to get used books. But on a good note, the summer TV season is still in full swing.

I know I’m not the only person on the planet who is NOT watching Game of Thrones. I was turned off the first season by all of the gratuitous doggy style sex in every single episode. Really? Come on folks mix it up. I think that is an HBO thing. Seriously it gets annoying after a while (like after the first five or six times within an hour.) There were also a couple of other annoying things. I tried to read the first book and couldn’t get through it due to the writing style. It was well written, but I just couldn’t get into it. Hey, I have read a lot of fantasy, more than most, and a lot of difficult literature (which I loved) but I couldn’t get into Game of Thrones. Sort of like I can’t get into any Wally Lamb book (sort of like waiting in Hell, I mean on hold with any technical support department with any cable company, phone company, or eBay.) But if you like it then go for it. Have fun. As us Vampires say, “sink your teeth into it.” And there are dragons. Dragons are always exceptionally cool.

I also don’t watch Dr. Who. Never have. Never will. I will not discuss the subject. Period.

By the way, I have a funny bit. This morning my husband answered the phone at some early still-dark hour. He said, “Microsoft Technical Support,” and presto – the caller was gone. HA HA HA. I love that man.

So what stupid things have I been watching this summer? Not a lot. Mainly movies. Mainly small indie films. I’ll do another post for summer theater films (maybe) later. This is what I’ve watched and highly recommend that I’ve seen on cable.

Juliette’s Short List for Summer Movies You Can Watch On Your TV or Computer:

  • The Fundamentals of Caring
  • Shimmer Lake
  • I Don’t Feel At Home In This World Anymore
  • Tangerine

Note: All of these are small Independent films. Good stuff. None of them will make you want to strangle me after you see them. Please see the ratings and descriptions before you watch them with kids. 

 

The Bachelorette

Late one night, while I was alone, I discovered The Bachelorette. I discovered Rachael. Who couldn’t love Rachael. She is a beautiful, lovely, charming, sweet woman from Texas.

I usually don’t get hooked into this stuff but I did. I watched it in secret without family or friends. I wouldn’t admit to anyone that I was following Rachael’s adventures. But I couldn’t stop watching it.

You know, if it was a guy picking out a girl from the usually room full of chicks in too high of heels and too tight dresses I wouldn’t have watched. But this was different. This was so different. I’m not going to even try to explain today. Maybe later. Not today (I have stuff to do and need to finish this post.)

She started out with about thirty guys who all wanted to marry her, or at least get the chance to find out if they wanted to marry her. Each week she’d give a rose to the guys she wanted to keep in the running. The guys all stayed together in a stable, I mean house. Some were nice. Several were real douches. Some spent their time back stabbing other guys. That got them nowhere. In the meantime Rachael went around the world having romantic adventures with the fellows and FINALLY picked the last THREE. Oh what a heart break and what a sweet ending.

She picked…one of my favorites…the right choice… Bryan. Woo Hoo. I wish them a long happy life together.

I hope it works out for them when reality sets in. You know the reality I’m talking about. How will they handle it when one of them gets sick our injured? How will she deal with his weird high school friend Kyle? What about their morning routines, holidays, decorating styles, views on how they’ll raise their kids, where they’ll raise their kids, morning coffee breath, what they watch on TV and a variety of weird things? Life after dating can get complicated – yes, that is what marriage is. Marriage is rewarding but it isn’t easy. It takes a lot of work, and it isn’t always romantic.

I still can’t believe I got sucked into this. Awww, must be the romantic in me. Hey, Peter, dude, you blew it.

America’s Got Talent

This is my flagship show. What I mean by that is that when I first started this blog back in 2012 I started blogging about this show every single week during the summer. All of us (me, family, friends) would gather around and watch. I publish comments from the peanut gallery – unfiltered and unapologetic. The honest truth. The show is good this year and now in the judges cuts for the top acts. I’ll be posting on it again… and YES WITH COCKTAILS. Do a search for previous blog posts on this show.

I have to add one note about this season’s “golden buzzer” choices. A small girl with a big voice sang a lovely song and received the “golden buzzer.” My daughter looked the girl up on Google and found that she’d been in talent shows all over Asia. No wonder she was so good on stage, so slick, and utterly fantastic in a practiced and staged way. Her parents have made her into an industry – starting with what they named her (after a famous singer.) Unlike many of the other children we’ve seen on the show I feel this child is exploited by her parents. There is nothing natural about her. This isn’t talent. This is force fed performance – like a trained dog or monkey. She is their cash cow – raised to be a cash cow. By the time she is 23 she’ll be washed up, but who cares – mom and dad can retire in comfort. It is too bad the guest judge who pressed the golden buzzer couldn’t have seen through the blatant exploitation of a small child.

Vampire Cocktails – two parts mixer, one part blood. Cheers. And never drink and drive.

Next Food TV Star

This season had a bunch of likable folks (except two who were just annoying.) In my opinion it was the best season ever. They are now down to the last three. All men. All fun. All guys you’d want to hug and have as neighbors. All great. My bets are on Jason, a wonderful guy from Tennessee with an accent that will melt your heart away. I could just eat him up. This man can cook and entertain. Let’s see what happens.

If you don’t want to win on this show do the following:

  1. Refer to yourself as “Mama” something.
  2. Talk non-stop about a distant country you identify with, that nobody has ever heard of, even though you are 5th generation American. Then rather than educating us, and sharing with us the wonders of your beautiful family culture, be so confusing about it that nobody knows what the crap you’re talking about.
  3. Be totally clueless in the kitchen.
  4. Show the other contestants how ignorant and helpless you are.
  5. Act surprised that you’re going to be on TV and have to talk about your food.
  6. Don’t know what a vanilla bean looks like.
  7. Make the other contestants want to cry when they are paired up with you.
  8. Don’t follow directions.
  9. Act like a Martha Stewart wannabe.
  10. Make some sort of shrimp and grits for every single challenge. Yes, we know you’re from the South, but I know damn well that folks from the South eat a lot more than grits.

Preacher

I love this show. I fucking love this show.

Life Below Zero

I’m hooked. Love Sue. Love the others too. But I wish they’d show more than just hunting and fishing. I’d like to see other aspects of their lives as well. We get a hint, but I’d like more. OK I admit, I watch for the foxes at Sue’s and the puppies with everyone else.

Forged in Steel

People make knives. No drama. They are craftsmen and women. They are awesome. Wow. Check it out.

Ink Master

Yes, we’re watching this weird and wonderful train wreck of a show. This year is a team effort (teams of two in competition against each other.) There is less drama and better ink than on previous shows. Thank you producers for raising the bar a little. And did I say better artists? Yes, they’re better than we’ve seen in years. Like most shows this is just something we watch together, talk about while we watch it, and don’t take too seriously. It is family time. Don’t like to watch it alone cause it just wouldn’t be fun. And Dave is still hot.

If this Vampire wants to tattoo your image on his arm…you’ll have to check out his entire body first. Hey, look at the Vampire Maman tattoo (yes, he has a tattoo.) Is that me on his arm? Hell yeah!

 

So have a nice week everyone, and try to get outside too. Have fun – as only the summer can give you.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

ATG 2014 Final Twelve Party & Vampire Cowboy Cocktails

Cheers!

Cheers!

 

Tonight starts the final countdown with the top 12 talents for America’s Got Talent.

Nick’s suit is sort of a silvery white. Not bad Nick. Good color on you.

2014 is our 5th year watching this summer show. This is the 3rd year I’ve been blogging about it.

The entire gang is here tonight. My family, two of my four brothers, plus assorted friends and even a Werewolf pal and his girlfriend. Needless to say the peanut gallery will have plenty of comments about the acts.

But first, Teddy, my darling husband, is making cocktails.

Vampire Cowboy Cocktail

  1. 2 ounces vodka
  2. 1/4 fresh squeezed lemon juice
  3. 1/4-cup of cold beef broth
  4. 1/4 cup blood (leave out if you aren’t a Vampire)
  5. 3-5 dashes of Tabasco (or mix to taste with other hot sauces)
  6. A dash of ground pepper
  7. A dash of cayenne pepper
  8. A dash of kosher salt

Combine all ingredients in a shaker with liberal amounts of ice. Shake vigorously and pour into a chilled old fashioned glass. Garnish with a lemon slice (keep it round like a wagon wheel). Rim the glass with salt if you like that sort of thing.

I’m having a Lemon Martini.

 Now on with the show…

Acro Army

We love Acro Army

 

The line up is fantastic. The teens all want to see either Emil and Dariel the two young cello players or the ultra cute singer Miguel Dakota win. I tend to agree but I’d be happy with any of 9 of the 12 in the finals.

 

images

A little night music for the ladies

Below is a list of contenders with comments from the peanut gallery of Vampires and Werewolves in italics. Warning some of the comments are rude.

Sons of Serendip

The singer has beautiful eyes. I hate harps. I like harps. Beautiful voice. They sound so churchy but so pretty. I love this song. Who sings this originally? Elton John. Oh. If I’m not mistaken. Great voice. These guys aren’t scrubs. They’re real musicians. A horrible name for a band. Wow. They’re wonderful. They are good looking guys. They’re really handsome.

Aero Army

These guys are every bit as good as Circe Sole. This is like senior level big time stuff. Very tight. If they had a dog… If they had Scooby they’d win. Wow. Oh my gosh. Don’t drop her. This is great. They were good. They were tight. There again, it is what it is. They’re an opening act. Definitely talented. Wow. I’d watch these guys. Of all the groups we’ve seen like this they’re the best. Put your shirts on.

Blue Journey

I hope they do well. All the other dancers were tired. They’re the best. I Put A Spell On You, interesting. He is such a good dancer. Wow, she can really move. I would have done the james Brown Version. This is interesting. I like it. I love it. I’d pay to see them. They’re fun. They’re really good. That was good. I’ll vote for them. They have talent. Mel needs to shut the F up. Really? She (Mel) is pretty much brain dead. The judges are stupid. I like the dancing. They’re great. 

Emil and Dariel

They’re just so cute. Interesting choice for a song. Aerosmith. Get rid of the singers and tone the band down. The background is drowning them out. Very pretty. I like them. I thought they should have rocked the house. I really like them. They should be in the top 5 at least. They are darling. I wonder what our friend who plays the cello thinks. It wasn’t safe. It was a tough song. Playing it safe would have been what they did before. Nick’s suit is terrible.

David and Leeman

I adore these guys. They are so darling. Love their style. Fun lottery act. OMG how did they do that? OMG. Awesome. They get a vote from me! Very nice. I honestly thought they’d screwed up. The stupid judges didn’t even stand up for them. That was really good. If I was single I’d date them.

Miguel Dakota

Fantastic job. Hard song. We’re voting for him all the way. I hope he wins. We all do. He is the star.

Mat Franco

I really like him. Very good. I really enjoy his act.

Magic

We’re all concentrating on the results

Quintavious Johnson

Sweet kid but he can’t sing. Sure but he’ll win. He has no talent, nice kid but no talent. Nick has no talent. Cute kid but… He is just awful. It all sounds the same. It sounds off, so off. He is singing off key. He can sing one not. That’s it. He has good stage presence. He has no range. This is just putrid. You can’t compare him to Stevie Wonder NO NO NO NO. I’d rather hear James Spader sing that song.

Mara Justine

Sweet kid. She can belt out a song but…Ewwwwww that hurts. A little bit off. Nooooooo. Nice kid but…wait about 10 years and come back. Ouch. Big lungs. Uh oh. I thought that was her best performance but she just isn’t that good. Good job Mara I hope you don’t read my mom’s blog. I dunno.

Christian Stoineu and Scooby

Put a shirt on. I love the dogs. They are sooooo cute. Would you pay to see this? Not this guy. Its the dog. Everyone votes for the dog. I wish I could do that. Uh oh. Who gives a shit. He is good but not the million dollar act. I agree with Heidi he needed more dog. More Scooby.

Mike Supre

If he does a really good trick he could beat out everyone else. He can do it. Good stage presence. They have to give magicians more time. Hey dude get on with it. You’re losing me. I’d put Howie in the booth. I want to see him squeal like a girl. Wow. That was hecka good. Go get work.

Emily West

She’s ok. But as far as being amazing… I don’t know. NOOOOO bad choice of song. You can’t do Moody Blues. Nobody but Justin Hayward should sing that. This doesn’t highlight her voice at all. Her voice cracked there twice. No, this is not good. Don’t eat the microphone. No no no. That wasn’t that good. Pale imitation. Oh shut the F up Howie and Howard. Oh bullshit. I think Howard slept with her.

 

Dog Act

And don’t forget every good talents show needs a few dogs and cats

 

We all had a good time. Now only the spirits will tell who makes this round. Or we can all vote and find out tomorrow.

board

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

AGT and Cocktails IS BACK! 8-19-2014

Every summer we hunker down on the couch on Tuesday and Wednesday nights for America’s Got Talent. My husband used to hate the show but now he watches it with us. But there is an addition… we’re not drinking Snapple. Teddy makes cocktails.

I’m bringing this feature back from time to time, maybe two or three more times this season out of tradition. This was one of the features that got this silly blog going. I don’t know if it was for AGT or Teddy’s Cocktails or just people wondering WTF when they saw I was posting a “Vampire Parenting Blog.” Who knows, be we’re all here now. We’re still here, and I’m glad that a lot of you are still here after my first year and now onto my third year of vampiremaman.com.

Warning the following blog is extremely opinionated and don’t try to push me in a correct moral direction according to whatever. I’m a Vampire. This is a flippin talent show on TV. I don’t care. Get over it. We might not agree but this is my blog.

As for the rest of you… Big group hug. I’m glad you’re here. On with the show!

So far this year it has been a sort of mild mixed bag. There was that prissy annoying asshat who was bound and determined to give rollerskating a bad name. The kids immediately took a dislike to him. THANK GOD he was voted off the show. I hope the door slammed him in the ass on the way out.

There was that pathetic girl who used “mental illness” as her reason to get votes. My teens informed me that she performs all over the place and has all kinds of fans without the “my mental illness” pity party going on. Don’t get me wrong – I am a STRONG advocate of mental health education, support and understanding. THAT is why I don’t like it when I see people use it as a marketing ploy. She exploited the audience with her sob story in a cold calculated way that made me sick. The girl couldn’t sign worth a shit either.

I am also tired of the endless parade of children being whipped into shape to salsa dance for egotistical sadistic dance studio owners. Does anyone else see the exploitation of these kids not to mention sexploitation. I have no problems with the other children on the show. All (except that annoying piano brat boy who had marginal piano skills) have been exceptionally sweet, cute and talented. I wish them all the best.

This year there are no big stand out acts like Prince Poppycock. Everyone is pretty tame, but fun. It is all fun. If it wasn’t we would be watching it. Yes, it is silly. One can only be serious for so many hours of each week. One can only read so many literary novels, only listen to so much smooth jazz or only watch so much Charlie Rose.

Alright then, now on to the show and cocktails! Let’s have some wholesome family fun.

Cocktails first…

Summertime Vampire Lemonade

  • 2/3 strawberry lemonade
  • 1/3 vodka
  • Enough ice to cover
  • Mix
  • Let it chill for a minute
  • Enjoy

If you want blood in your drink I recommend a nice chilled Marin County Mystery Writer Blood. Dave’s Wine & Blood is having a sale this week if you get a case.

Cheers!

Cheers!

 

So far our favorite acts are:

WAIT… I like all of them, except for two of them (the salsa sleaze and the weird girl who do acrobatics to her own drawings)  But if I had to pick so far…

  • Sons of Serendip
  • Blue… oh you know, the dancers (Look it up. They’re great)
  • David & Leeman
  • Miguel Dakota
  • Mat Franco
  • Emily West
  • Audrey Moran
  • Christer Stoiney and his cute little dog
  • And all the rest except the two mentioned above that I don’t like. As you know I’m usually extremely opinionated about this stuff but I enjoyed watching them all.

 

We’ll see who wins tonight’s show. I’ll share a few comments from the peanut gallery.

Here we go….so many dance troops and singers tonight.

Bad Boys of Ballet

  • 6 guys. 1 girl. I like this group. They can DANCE and they are entertaining to watch. 

Dom the Bombs Triple Treat

  • They’re so cute but kind of missed the mark tonight. They’re still cute. I doubt if we’ll see them again. Oh well. It was fun. They’re good kids.

Emil and Dariel

  • Two brothers who play the cello. They are wonderful. More than wonderful. I love these guys. The teens in the room loved them. They’re cute, sweet, talented and have a darling grandpa. A truly wonderful story and a great act. I’d love to see them win. They got a lot of votes from this group.

Extreme

  • Technically good but boring. I’d seen this before and before and before. Most high schools have dance groups like this. It was good but not a million dollar act. It was a basic cheer routine. 

Jonah Smith

  • He sang “Stay with Me.”  The peanut gallery all said it was better than the original. He was wonderful. I’d buy his album. Johah you’re wonderful. You rock. You deserve it. Johah got a lot of votes from this group.

Jonathan Riqulme

  • Good act. Dangerous. Some here got bored. But he was very good.

Keli Glover

  • Keli Glover was on several years back. Didn’t realize that this is a talent show. A show. One contest. She should have followed her dream. She is hanging all of her hopes on this. Can’t do that baby. Keli Glover looked beautiful (but her dress did not fit well at all.) She has a beautiful voice. I don’t think she’ll win. She isn’t unique enough. I hope she does well, gets a gig, gets on YouTube, tours with someone big. You never know. I just don’t think she’ll win this one.

Mothmen Dance

  • Comments included; I kind of like it. They’re all wearing their shirts – that is good. I like it. Not too busy. Not tons of people. Different. It could have been a little more campy. Of course they don’t get as many cheers as the boy who can’t sing. This is fun. A lot of fun. 

Nina Durri

  • Even the Vampires think this girl is creepy. The music and her act was just creepy. Yes, she does amazing things with her body but we had to fast forward. I wish her luck but it isn’t for us.

One Voice Children’s Choir

  • A cute group of kids. Most of them can sing. Of course they sang a song from Frozen. BUT… I don’t like choirs like this unless I know the kids or it is a live program. The front kids could sing a bit, but every school has a group this good or better. It all sort of sounded like yelling after a while. Cute kids. I’m happy for them but they won’t get my vote. 

Quintavious Johnson

  • We are getting mixed reviews here in the peanut gallery of night folks. Some say HE IS AWFUL. Some say he is cute and he can belt out a song. He is good for a kid but I don’t think he’ll move on.  On the other hand one never knows about this game.

Smooththini

  • Cute slight of hand. How did he do that? He palmed it, but of course he did. But it is cool and nobody can see how he does it. Charming. And where did the fish come from? HA HA

 

The results will be on Wednesday night’s show. We’ll see who goes to the semi finals.

Woo Hoo!

 

 ~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

AGT and bottled beer – It isn’t Penny Dreadful but we can watch it with the kids.

TV Reviews and My Own Bad Writing Because I’m Moving FAST Here Folks.

We had the usual peanut gallery of Vampires over to watch ATG Wednesday night. They’re still in the try out stage and it looks like a fun summer season is ahead of us with some really great talent. Below are a few of the acts and comments from the gallery.

Almost as fun as Penny Dreadful without the one big gratuitous sex scene and the one big fuckwood scene, excuse me Deadwood inspired scene where a multitude of f-bombs are dropped for no good reason except to make you say “What the Fuck?”

Penny Dreadful is wonderful and campy and silly. The husband can’t keep up with it. We lived throughout this the first time these stories were out – but there are so many characters and he never read much fantasy. My husband figures he is already a Vampire so why read about it much less watch TV about it. But I love it. I love Vanessa’s dresses. I love the Gothic feel. I love the creature. It is so much fun. Of course you gotta love Dorian Gray even with the random WTF moment when he was kissed by the American. Alright, I have to admit, I’d kiss either one of those guys, or at least bite their necks. Anyway… back to family entertainment.

The Revolutionary War program Turn turned sour for use early on. We had such high hopes but the historic inaccuracies, plot weakness and overall confusion and sheer boredom factors caused us to discontinue watching it.

Then there was Ripper Street. What happened there? It could have been really good but there again the characters were bogged down by silly writing and the show sort of vanished. Copper was fun too and pretty campy. It keeps my Irish friends laughing (not because it is accurate either.)

Nothing could have been worse than last season’s Dracula. That was so bad on so many levels.

Why on most historic television programs (I’m not talking about anything on PBS so don’t even comment on it) – why on most historic television programs, especially those taking place before 1920 are the women’s clothing and makeup so inaccurate?

In the early days of TV Miss Kitty and all of Little Joe’s girlfriends looked just like they’d come out of a 1960’s beauty salon complete with 1960’s bras. So many costume designers forget the importance of the silhouette. Things haven’t gotten much better.

So maybe that is why we like things like River Monsters and Life Below Zero and America’s Got Talent. Everybody loves big fish with giant teeth and a guy with a British accent. We all like rugged individuals living in Alaska. And we all like talent and variety. And we don’t have to worry about costumes or historic details.

Now what you’ve all been waiting for… Here is our rundown for America’s Got Talent for Wednesday, June 4, 2014.

We missed the beginning but came in just as two really good-looking young men were causing Howie to not be able to read. It was a fun sort of magic type trip.

Julie age 15. Amazing young singer. She was so cute and has such a lovely and mature voice. Go Julie. Comments from the peanut gallery were: Wow, sign her up now. All these skanks on the radio can’t hit a not at all and listen to this girl. Girlfriend’s good.

Tap Dancers – two cute guys in caps. These two guys (age 17 and 18) were exceptionally cute and could go a long way with some practice. Stay tuned.

Motorcycle stunt guys always make me want to go get another beer. I’m just not that into it. Let me see you jump over the Grand Canyon or over the Washington Monument or something.

There were jump ropers. Next please.

There were pogo stick jumpers. Now that was fun, but not a million dollar act.

And then there were the cutest 8 year old triplets I have every seen. Oh my goodness. Look them up on YouTube. One threw cards while the others assisted. I don’t care what these kids do; they got the prize for being the cutest things ever.

A young singer named Miguel was cute and could sing. We’ll see him back.

There was a pair of Salsa Dancers. That was two guys dancing together. They were good. One was from Sacramento. Go guys go!

Some chick did acrobatics while pretending to swim away from sharks on a screen background. She said it was her imagination going wild. OK. Good for you. That was nice but really annoying and a little too sweet for me. Sort of like a Starburst candy with 5 times the sugar.

Rather than cocktails we were drinking Blue Moon White Belgian-Style Wheat Ale. Mmmmmm. Good stuff. Yes, Vampires drink beer, but only cold beer and only good beer.

 

Have fun and don’t watch to much Tee Vee!

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Cheers!

 

ATG and Cocktails is Back. Summer has officially started!

When we’re not discussing 18th Century political philosophy and obscure South American literary figures …

Summer is almost here which means the annual Vampire Maman’s Cocktails and Amarica’s Got Talent Night Blog Posts! Woo Hoo! This is our third year posting about this silly show.

For those of you who don’t know, here are the facts:

1. AGT stands for America’s Got Talent

2. It is only on in the summer season on NBC.

3. It is the only “Talent” show we watch. We don’t keep up with The Voice, Dancing with Stars or whatever.

4. Unlike other shows ATG is open to all ages and all kinds of talent. It ranges from singers to dog acts to artists, to acrobats, to inbread families on unicycles to stand-up comedians, to magicians, to dancers, to weird things we’ve never even imagined.

5. Audtions take place in cities all over the country.

6. The 4 judges pick who will make the finals and it goes from there. Nick, Howard, Howie, Heidi and Mel are all back. Look them up on NBC.com.

7. Eventually YOU the audience gets to pick by voting online or various other ways. That is always fun.

8. Then you read this blog for my extremely opinionated views, and those of my family and friends, of the acts. We also comment on the judges etc etc etc. We tend not to like snotty kids, people who dislocate their joints, large creepy squeaky clean family acts or that family of dancers from somewhere in the Southwest who come back each year to exploit their own children. We don’t like male pole dancers who show off their crotches while wearing high heels. But we do like men who rock the costumes (we loved Prince Poppycock a few years back.) We also do not like breathy female singers and we’re getting tired of male opera singers with sad stories about how their families hate them. So on with the show.

9. There are no Vampires on the show because we’d obviously win. We never want to give an unfair advantage.

My husband Teddy hates the show but he’ll watch it with us just to tell us that it sucks. Then he gets sucked in. But in the meantime he fixes cocktails.

So that is it in a nutcase, I mean nut shell.

It is fun, despite my snarky descriptions. It makes us happy when we can all pile up on the couch together and just have fun together.

All of that said LAST NIGHT – the FIRST night for this season of AGT was exceptionally FUN. There were so many super good acts. And there was a singer with a good story. He was the last. He was 18. He was good. He was there with his mom. He’d been a foster kid and his parents had adopted him and his sister. How cool is that!!!! Also shown were several fun comedians, a pair of exceptionally lovely female (very hip and stylish gals) opera singers, ballet dancers, acrobats and all sorts of fun. Unusual stuff too like the 91 year old strong man who pulled a car full of people (including his lady friend) with his teeth. Yes, he pulled it with his teeth. He was so cute.

It looks like it will be a fun summer for AGT.

Oh right, cocktails.

Teddy’s Skinny Summer Blast

Fill a highball glass with ice. Fill it 1/4 full with gin, 1/4 full with sugar free strawberry lemonade and fill it to the top with diet tonic water.

So whatever you do in this hot weather have fun, don’t start any fires and remember your hats and sunscreen!

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Cheers!