Ask Juliette: Your Child’s Reputation, Man-Children, and Vampire Midlife Crisis

Welcome to Ask Juliette (Ask A Vampire) – a Regular Feature here at
This week we’ll discuss what to do if your child gets mixed up with a crappy kid, dating a man who still sleeps in his childhood bedroom, and Vampire woes. If you have a questions, about anything, leave a comment here, or email me at juliettevampiremom at gmail dot com.

Q: My ten year old son started hanging out with one of the class trouble makers (Willie.) Willie is disruptive in class, and doesn’t do well in school. Willie’s parents play the blame game and are always at school threatening to sue. Basically Willie is a spoiled brat. Last week my son got into trouble while playing with Willie and was almost suspended. Willie’s parents said, “boys will be boys” but I’m not sure. When Willie cries to the teachers when he is not included in play so my son feels he is in a bind. Willie also lies about other kids when they won’t play with him. How can I keep my good boy away from the bad boy?

A: You need to sit down with your child and have one of those talks. This time it will be about responsibility and reputation.

Your child needs to learn that he is responsible for his own actions. He can make the choice NOT to play with Willie. If the adults at the school say otherwise you need to have a FIRM talk with them. Teachers and administrators need to know that Willie is a bully and you will not allow your child to play with him. Your son should be nice and polite but he can’t be forced to play with Willie unless it is a group activity with the class. Start keeping a record of times Willie has bothered your child.

If the teacher will do nothing see if your kid can be transferred to another class. I know it doesn’t seem fair, but sometimes that is the only option.

I’ve never understood why schools protect trouble makers and bullies at the expense of other children. It might be because their parents are always at the school trying to make excuses and even threatening the school. I will never understand that.

Then talk to your son about REPUTATION. Once a person loses their good reputation it is almost impossible to get it back. I had this talk with my own children. They need to know that if they make poor choices that everyone else will now expect them to ALWAYS make poor choices. It is just how things are.

As a parent you CAN and NEED TO monitor who your kids hang out with and who their friends are. Remember this – your child can’t bring someone up. Bad kids can only bring your child DOWN. I know that sounds harsh but it is the way things are. YOU are the PARENT. It is your job to guide your child and teach him to make GOOD choices.


Q: I started dating a guy. He is super nice, cute, and looks good on paper. The problem is that his bedroom is decked out in red and gold. I’m not talking satin sheets. These are the colors of his favorite team. The walls are covered with posters. The lampshades are football helmets. The bed is a single bed with a plain red think cotton bed spread with football shaped pillows. He mentioned his mom and grandma helped him out with it. This would be a fun room for a twelve year old, but not for a thirty year old. The football decor also creeps into the kitchen and living room of his apartment. I had sex with him once in his bedroom. It wasn’t what I’d call great because I felt like his mother was going to walk in on us any minute, and well, it was a twin bed. I over reacting because I want to be involved with an adult man? Or should I just see this as an opportunity to take him on a field trip to Ikea?

A: If he passes up on the Ikea field trip (even Target or Home Goods would be a nice start) you need to have a heart to heart talk to him. If living with Joe Montana is a deal breaker then maybe you’d better change your game and move on.

The future of living with anything you hate will cause more stress than you can ever imagine (be it a relative, a decorating style, ugly dishes, a bad dog, or a group of shitty immature friends, or whatever.) Sure he could display a few prized football items, but if you don’t want to “score” in the red and gold bedroom with him anymore I don’t blame you.

Q: What do I have to do to turn into a Vampire?

A: Nothing because it isn’t going to happen.

Q: How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

A: Stop asking me that.

Q: Is there such a thing as a Vampire Midlife Crisis? My friend Tim keeps wanting to do things like go back to high school or college so we can pick up on unsuspecting girls. Going to a college bar is one thing, but going to class and pretending we’re fresh out of high school is just too predatory and creepy for me. I told Tim that we’re both over two hundred years old – too old for this shit. What do you think?

A: I think you’re too old for that shit. Remember, you’re Vampires, which means you can have more fun than any human is ever allowed without being creepy or predatory.


Well, I hope I answered all of your questions for this week. Ask Juliette is a semi-regular feature here at

If you have a question about ANYTHING leave it in the comments here OR email me at juliettevampiremom at gmail dot com.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman









He can give her dreams or make her forget …

“I’ve been to places so remote that there are no ghosts,

There is no love,

No law,

With no memory of anything good,

Or pure,

Or real.

That is the place, or places I go,

To get away,

And find myself,

but it isn’t working,

but I still like to go there.

It is where I go,

just me.

I didn’t think anyone would understand except you.



The orange cat my brother Andy called Nimrod sat on the counter singing the song of dinnertime. Nimrod had showed up three weeks prior after being left by his previous owners in a two million dollar foreclosure. What a bunch of assholes abandoning a cat to chance.

The baby unicorn that was supposed to be a temporary occupant was still there after almost a year. It padded on soft hooves behind him like a iridescent shadow.

After living alone for so long and being on the road so much it was nice to settle in and be a homebody for a change. He’d spent time redesigning his music studio and working on original compositions. Old friends dropped by on a regular basis. New friends filled his contact list. Nimrod and the Unicorn needed him.

Shawna was asleep, nestled in his bed her brown hair falling over the pillow. He knew her hair was gray under the brown color. It didn’t matter.

He sank his teeth into her neck. She’d never know. He had told her that he’d NEVER do THAT. Famous last words of a Vampire. But seriously what does she expect? The guy is a Vampire.

“Have you thought of becoming a Vampire? I’m asking you seriously,” he said to her softly.

She didn’t say anything. He knew she didn’t have an answer.

“Either way Shawna I love you. We could do it on Halloween, or wait until you had a break, maybe take a month and go away, or we could stay here. Come for Christmas.”

She put her warm hand on his cool cheek. “Andy, I don’t want to drink blood.”

“It isn’t what you think it is.”

“Let me see your fangs.”

He showed her. Andy has magnificent fangs.

Anyway, after a bit more pillow talk he made love to her all the while telling her how he needed her. She had never imagined it was possible to be so lost in the arms of a man. She never imagined being so exquisitely lost naked and willing in the embrace of a Vampire. He told that he thought she was beautiful in a way that was rare and precious beyond his own words. She looked into his eyes and saw something that made her want to stay in his arms forever and at the same time run away.

I don’t think he understands that Shawna isn’t sold on him. She doesn’t understand him or his world yet. It all seems so odd to her. One day she was living her normal life and the next thing you know she was dancing on the beach with a Vampire.

He drank her blood, he can sometimes read her mind, he can give her dreams or make her forget and he frightens her. Andy doesn’t realize that. Well he does realize it but he won’t accept it. It would be as if Nimrod decided to make friends with a song bird or a mouse.

But you have to admit that for Shawna, college professor, single mom, warm blooded human,  this is really weird. I mean really really weird. It is also exciting to has such a forbidden love with a sensuous and passionate Vampire like Andy.

We’ve always been Vampires and known about the other side of life so our normal is slightly different from Shawna’s perception of normal (a lot different.)

Well, as you can see there is absolutely no point in this post. My head is still spinning with my last encounter with the Ancient Vampires who need my help and other assorted pressures of my life right now, so I don’t have the energy to deal with Andy’s love life, but I like to listen to his stories and I’m always here to talk with him and give him my support. He stays in touch with my children (18 and 15) a fact that means the world to me. They absolutely adore him.

Nimrod on the other hand has a world of stories to tell but his vocabulary is somewhat limited. Maybe I can help him out with that.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman




First bites…and fangs for lunch!

This evening I walked by my son’s bathroom only to see him inspecting his new teeth. At puberty their “teeth” start to come in. I hate the term “fangs”.  By the age of 16 those teeth are full retracting and functioning. But like sexual virginity you don’t want them to jump into it unprepared or tutored. They must be careful, at all costs and know what they are doing.

As soon as he saw me he turned 5 shades of red as if I’d caught him, well, you know.

“It’s ok.” I said. “You need to get comfortable with them. Learn to use them before you use them on a donor.”

“I asked Dad about it. I mean about, my first time and when. Um, mom, he gets all weird. I can’t talk to him about it.” He blushed again. It was so sweet.

“Your dad had a very traumatic experience when he became a vampire…”

“I know, but dads are supposed to take their son on the first, you know, the first time.” I could hear the frustration in his voice.

“I know honey. I’ll talk to him. If not I’ll take you.”

“I can live with that. Um, mom, can I ask you something?”


“When was the last time you fed on a donor, you know, blood from a human?”

“It’s ok.”

“Jeez, it’s like asking you when you had sex. I can’t believe I just said that. I’m sorry.”

“I got blood this afternoon. Friday afternoons are my usual time.”


“Yes. Fast, easy and always with someone I trust.”

I didn’t give him the full details. I am his mother after all.

Today I put on a simple dress. It was black. A form fitting column, with a patent leather belt and a V neck. I accessorized with a lush string of real pearls and pearl drop earrings. I clipped my hair up, the slipped on high black and white spectator pumps. Underneath was a very nice matching set of black lace bra and panties.

For lunch, I met my old friend Jack Anderson. Jack isn’t old, only 45, but he is a dear friend. Teddy and I have been doing things with Jack and his wife Angela for about 10 years.

Jack is a local attorney, for the politically savvy and those who wish their problems be kept secret. He charges a very high price for which his clients are happy to pay.

Jack is also handsome in a prep school, all American Jock sort of way. He is still in very good shape and had a zillion watt smile to go with is full head of dark brown hair flecked with white.

So we met, our twice a month Friday date at a trendy downtown restaurant.  We shared a nice bottle of Cabernet.  We had a small bite to eat. Jack didn’t say anything about my meal. It was small, and had no carbs (vampires can’t handle carbs). I can handle red wine and red meat.  But the main course would be after lunch. I ran my tongue over my teeth, keeping my fangs in check.

As we waited for the check I put my hand on his and purred, “You look good enough to eat.”

“Then eat me. I’m all yours.” He said with a smile.

And so he was all mine for the next 90 minutes. We went back to his office. His secretary, as usual was given the afternoon off. The rest of his staff was also out. He locked the door and turned to me.

“I want you Juliette.” He said with a moan barely escaping his lips.

I put my hand behind his neck and drew his face to mine. “I will have you Jack.” I whispered, grazing my lips across his neck.

He kissed me. I ran my hand though his hair and kissed back. Damn he could kiss. It took my breath away, knowing what would be next.

I stepped closer. Jack unzipped my dress. I undid his tie, unbuttoned his shirt and pushed it over his well built shoulders, and pulled his undershirt over his head. He was shirtless, as he yanked down my dress and pulled at the hooks on my bra. I pushed him onto the leather couch and undid the top button on his trousers and straddled his lap.

I locked his brown eyes on mine.

“Let me take you Jack, my darling, my dear friend.” I thought, putting the thoughts into his head, putting him into my trance.

My lips went to his neck. He let out a groan. He smelled so good. There was a hint of honey with jasmine in his hair. His skin was that of a man, and pure desire. My dear friend was in a trance.

Kissing his neck, I sank my teeth in hitting a hot pulsing vein.  It was like musky red wine, like a fine Zin,  and chocolate with a hint of sugar cookies and a bite of copper, black pepper and iron.

In his head I put images of sex and desire and lust that never happened. I also put the idea that he would never tell a soul about our “affair”.

I sat next to him, sated and full. He’d wake and feel like he’d ravished me. He’d also be tired as if he’d just donated blood, because he had.

I licked the area I’d punctured to make it heal with my natural antibiotic.

After a rest of 20 minutes, I whispered in his ear. “Wake up Jack.”

He smiled and closed his eyes. I got up. “Rest my darling. I’ll see you soon.” I kissed him again.

I’d left chocolates and raspberry juice for him. I knew, with all blood donations, that he’d need the extra sugar. I’d put the suggestion to eat and drink in his mind. One more kiss and I was off to home to change back into my jeans and pick the kids up from school.

Than evening my darling husband Teddy asked me “Did you see Jack Anderson for lunch?”

“Yes, I had a lovely lunch with Jack. What did you do for lunch?”

Teddy gave me a sly smile. “Mrs. Anderson.”

Yes, we don’t tell our kids everything. Nor do we ever have to.

Wishing you all lovely lunches and romantic evenings with the vampire you love.



Vampire Mom thinks about fashion and frump. Today’s Goal – Be Fabulous, Never Frumpy



Sometimes it is difficult for mom’s to look good all the time. The word frumpy comes to mind. I had my frump stage a while back.

You know frump. The over sized shirts. The drawstring pants. The basic black walking shoes.  The matronly looking black dress for parties. Just fill in your own blanks. Even for vampire moms we can get into a rut.

Over the centuries we all find our favorite styles. Unfortunately you can’t go around looking as if you just came out of the courts of the Sun King or in your 1920’s frocks, or drag out your old bustle dresses and go around in Steampunk attire. It might be fun for special occasions but not to pick your kids up from school or to a field trip to the local water park.

Yes, DO have your own style. Flash is what vampires do best, even vampire moms but don’t be ridiculous or embarrass your children. On the other hand don’t be but a shadow of your former self.

You never want your child to say, “What are you wearing? Jeez mom.”

Use those great accessories from the past. Keep up with your hair and makeup. Be fabulous – because you are!

I know, I’m just rambling here, too busy this week to have had my hair trimmed, suffering from some sort of sun induced rash and looking at chipped nails.

Of course my husband always looks good. Oh to be born so devastatingly handsome even before he was a vampire.


By the way…the only reason I wrote today’s entry was so I could post this image. I put together a few things…sort of got the mood I was in today. More cocktails! I’ll get Teddy to write down some of his blood & brew mixtures for y’all.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Cocktails – Vampire Style (while we watch America’s Got Talent with the kids)

Tonight Teddy and I are watching America’s Got Talent with the kids. And low and behold the first act that comes on is called CMYK and they are amazing. The guy does performance art! Wow. Look it up on Youtube if you haven’t seen it.

And CMYK is from Sacramento! Our hometown! Woo Hoo. We are so proud!

We both grew up in Sacramento, which is a great place for vampires (not to be confused with all the politicians in town). We often go to San Francisco but our hearts are here, not that we do go into the big city as often as we can. Our first home together was in San Francisco, but it burned down in the earthquake (the big one – 1906). We’ve since replaced it.

Anyway, what better time than to watch an old fashioned talent show with our kids – so THAT calls for COCKTAILS.

Teddy is drinking is signature cocktail: The Bloody Juliette (yes named after me, of course it is).

I love this drink.

Bloody Juliette

  1. 3 parts blood
  2. 1 part vodka
  3. 3 garlic stuffed olives
  4. Horseradish
  5. A nice wedge of lime
  6. 1 pickled green bean
  7. A splash of hot sauce (or more if you like it really spicy)
  8. A shake of black pepper

Drop olives in the bottom of the glass. Add ice about 2/3 way up. Squeeze the lime over the ice. Add the vodka then add the blood. Add everything else and gently stir. Add more vodka as needed.

Now we’re ready to watch the rest of the show. More vodka please!


Musings of a vampire middle school kid…and don’t forget America’s Got Talent starts tonight!

My 12 year old daughter scanned me up and down then said “You’ve always been a vampire. You were never a regular human.”

I imagine there isn’t much regular about any humans, but didn’t comment on her choice of words. “You know I’ve always been a vampire, just as you have always been a vampire.”

“But nobody in Dad’s family were vampires?”

“Not that I know of. Just him. You already know this. What’s up?”

“Nothing” said my almost teenage child.

“No, tell me.” I said.

“Doesn’t that seem weird that dad used to be one of them?

“No, not really. It’s more weird to him.”

“I thought so,” said my youngest vampire child. “It must have been really weird for him.”

She couldn’t imagine in her young mind what a hellish nightmare my dear husband went through.

“Be he’s ok with it now. Right?” she continued, taking my wrist.

“He has us. Of course he is ok. Your father is a magnificent vampire.”

“Yes he is.” she said with a smile. “Hey America’s Got Talent is on! They have a new judge.”

“Howard Stern.”

“Can vampires be on that show?”

“Sure why not!”

– Juliette